may 2013 study results on sexual reassignment .....

hi

my emotions overwhelmed me I  had to leave my place of employment. thus i am talking time to regroup and takw care of myself.  I have found the estrogen has not taken any time off because of the reduced stress of not working.  I will blog soon but i wanted to share this study from may 2013. the article also states the american doctors have not reported any of their results of sexual reassignment surgery

thank you

rachel

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/804432

rachel will post tomorrow

i apologize due to stress and much more i have not be able to blog .the mix of hormones and the call center was not to my advantage over the long haul.  i found out that my shoulder pain mediated with electro stimulation via portable device did not reduce my pain. but leaving the call center did reduce and eliminate the pain.  the pain fared up my arthritis and made my hormones totally ineffective. i will give more details tomorrow.


 i will have a blog up tomorrow.

thank you

rachel

rachel friend again teaches her more of life's lesson .... prospective on transgender and women's

Hi,

This past week was exhaustive and almost never ending. The price of isolation over the years is becoming very apparent along with the self destructive behavior. I know many in the community isolate out of the heart felt need to protect themselves. In all honesty I truly understand why so many , not only , never dare go public with their stories but hide in their apartments and homes from family and friends. It is because undoing the mental health issue surrounding keeping your gender secret for decades comes at a big , big price. You have to be willing to unearth the devil and all your demons and allow yourself to become so vulnerable to your friends , work and the public.

None of this is an easy task. The smallest huddle in the day to day struggles of life can push you back into isolation and the conditioned responses you use to survive over the decades. My nemesis is food and pushing people away and I am very, very good at both. But in the past I never let but one woman at a time close to me and I am not talking about lovers but simply caring and loving friends. However over the last two years I have become friends with at least 5 women who know so much about my life. I risked so much because I really want to heal and I am tired of crying myself to sleep. The pain is more mental than physical. I realize that the mental damage done to me by the culture of society and my family has had a very negative impact on my ability to interact in society. This would include both work and my personal life.

Last week I dig in and tried to push a friend away and did the very thing I say so many in the community should not do and that is isolated from her.( I probably was thinking if I can push her away then I can push everyone way at least subconsciously) I had thought she had done something that she did not even know about. My perception of the entire situation was so distorted because of my inability to interact without the stress of my gender pressing my mental capabilities to problem solve any issue. So I fell back on my conditioned response and my self defensive and self destructive behaviors. I did this by concluding something about this woman based on no evidence. I has pushed her to the other side of the fence with so many in society and I did not even know in the moment what I had done.

I ran into her at work and she said Rachel why didn’t you come talk to me? The answer is I never gave her a chance to talk and it turns out I was the one that was in the wrong. This woman has been nothing but kind and caring to me and gives me the most precious gift I could ask for , her time. However in the process I had reached out to another girlfriend and told her of my intentions and what I thought of this woman. Well in my small inner circle there are smart, intelligent and ethical women that do not ever enable me. Then This other girlfriend sends me an email telling me how god was working with me and many other things. Below is the quote from the bible she sent me which I will be forever eternally grateful. Both women could not be wrong but I was in the wrong in my actions and thoughts and god knows this and I have asked him for his forgiveness. This is a spiritual journey for me and I am glad so many good women are around me .

Romans 2 The Message (MSG)

God Is Kind, but Not Soft

Those people are on a dark spiral downward. But if you think that leaves you on the high ground where you can point your finger at others, think again. Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgmental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. But God isn’t so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you’ve done.

You didn’t think, did you, that just by pointing your finger at others you would distract God from seeing all your misdoings and from coming down on you hard? Or did you think that because he’s such a nice God, he’d let you off the hook? Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he’s not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.



I had pointed my finger at my friend and taken the higher ground. I am the one that has said for every finger you point you have two pointing back to you. This time it was me pointing a finger that had nothing to do with the woman but everything to do with me.

I know what it takes out of a person that goes after a company that has wronged someone even when they are justified. I worked for a company where the owner did not pay the employees I recruited. When I could not take it any longer I went after him with the fiery of a woman scorned. I did not let up for about one year. I worked with US Senator office, IRS agents, and other federal agents in an attempt to make this guy pay for using me to recruit people and then not pay them what they earned. In the process I nearly mentally broke because the emotional stress and taking on so much by myself was too much for me mentally. This was all before hormones and I cannot imagine how that would play out today, much worse I am sure.( the fiery of the woman scorned could have been my need for surgery but it was all masked…. I am sure this is how deep my pain goes)

Also at the conclusion of many investigations my former employer even though he was stealing from the government he was stealing enough to prosecute him. He is still in business and it is business as usual in US government contracting in the USA. I took a stand for myself and that was so important in my life and this is the whole point I started to heal long before I took one estrogen pill.

I also learned the emotional toll was not worth it and I should have just walked away but I am glad I fought that fight but was it for the right reasons? I am sure you can tell I am still emotional about that situation and should I have fought or no walked away? Ethical and morally I had no choice any more than I have in speaking out now in the public. I saw a greater responsibility than myself which has helped me in my life today.

I learned valuable lessons in my life but never before let people close ,never. Well I knew I wanted to live my life to the fullest so I let a few women in very close. I am glad I did because I am starting to heal but the pain in me is overwhelming and old habits come back quickly when I am stressed in the least way at times like last week.

Lastly prospective, I was talking to a transgender woman and her prospective is that if you have an equally attractive woman standing next to an equally attractive transgender woman the transgender woman would be discriminated against. I ask the tough question and I ask her why? She said that is just the way it is . I don’t believe that for a second given my experiences with women and men in public. We , transgender women and women , are equally harassed and discriminated against. This is a gender issue not a trans only issue. The dilemma is how much more is a trans woman discriminated against than a woman…. I think it is far less than other think much far less.

But this attitude does one thing, isolates the transgender woman from others and women. The isolation is what kills the soul and making that blanket statement that the trans community is discriminated more than a woman to me is the very thing I detest and loathe. In the conversation I said nothing because I have learned to pick my battles with people that have a mindset that the world is against them.

I learn so much every day and if I was in isolation my experience on hormones would be drastically different . When I cry, which is a lot, that means I am alive and I will take that every time over isolation and the safety of my apartment. The risk is proportional to the risk so far I am healing but make no doubt the women in my life are the true difference along with god.

It is very apparent that I am also doing more self destructive behaviors with money and food because if I start to save then I would have to confront my deeper demon sexual reassignment surgery. I am scared to death to take on this demon and I am trying to figure a way to move beyond food and save money for surgery. I know how resourceful I am and I am sure I could figure a way to have surgery done by 2015 but instead I am running and pushing away from myself and success. As ziglar would say I am afraid of success and believe I am worth it.

I hope you all have a great day,

Thank you for allowing me share my story and help me heal

Rachel

If you like to get to know me better here is my face book id Rachel.candie.reid

rachel and the transgender agenda exposed..... enough of being a nice girl... unedited email to a friend

my experience has been great with women and to attack my cysgender friends is criminal based solely on their gender. the unilateral statement that the cysgender and the general public do not understand the trans community i find is discriminatory.  the very discrimination that some members of the trans community detest and loathe is projected upon others is wrong by society standards and god's .

to say i am upset and hurt is understatement tonight.

below is an email to a friend ....


hi,

i am not sure why i keep trying to fit in a subculture i seem to have nearly nothing in common with but i do for some reason. i think i know that there are many of me and we have no voice. the fact that one trans woman said my opinion mattered which is sufficient tonight .

Every time I join in a discussion in a trans group it enviably eventually goes back the the cysgender issue . tonight I was talking in a group and apparently i ran into another marine who is president of some trans group in a college back east. The conversation was spirited at first but then turned south very quickly when i put my two sense in the thread.

i said what is needed is conversations which heal the soul. my journey has been mental and not physically and two people agreed however the marine did not agree with me at all. she said are you saying we should just sit down and talk to them , the cysgender's, I said absolutely . her immediate response was to name her credentials and all that she has done for the community etc etc. so i pulled out my credentials and said big deal.... we need to talk because once all the laws are in place we will be on the same side of the fence. you should ask the African Americaan community how law and etc has worked out. what is needed is conversations so we know each other as human being. Shortly after that I said I identified as a woman and she said, " well then you should get on the other side of the fence with them."

i pretended like that did hurt me but it cut me like a knife ripping my heart out. she further explained that her prospective is this is a " war" with ground troops, air and sea soldiers. i was persistent but know the real pain is the isolation in the community and i clearly pointed this out. neither one of us backed off then I said i ruffled feathers in the marines..... and i have done that here. she could not do anything but belittle my grammar and i said that does not take away from the message.

also in the conversation another trans woman stated she has no feeling of obligation after her transition. i said it is my prospective that i have an obligation to reduce the suicides and help others heal so they do not suffer like i have on hormones. none of this even hit one chord with either one of them.

i cried and cried..... again i dare say what others cannot but i am treated like a traitor. i knew when i spoke at the regional conference what i was doing and i would not ever take one word back at that speech nor anything i have said . i have spoken the truth and the war so many are fighting is one that the enemy really is within themselves. but by the time they realize it may be too late but there are so many that distance themselves from the community because of people and the agenda of people like the woman tonight.

i cried but the real sadness is because of this means one less person will be wiling to speak out in the community and i have major issues with that. this really drives me to reach the ones that feel they have no voice and help each other heal.

thank you


rachel

ps glad i have friends who care about me and i never became so angry that i did not see the light but god put me in a place for others to help me . i am crying because i know how lucky i am to be in god's hands now. i just am deeply people lash out at me for no reason but because i voice a different opinion ... makes me cry ...... at least that means i am alive .

I also feel like i have the trans political actions groups to my left the hard liners to my right and so many in the middle who will not be seen with me or other like me in public because of fear. this fear ; ziglar false evidence appearing real... drives so many out of hormones.... i heard of one such story today by an  of the va community... she could not take the public humiliation by others and stopped hormones.... i am fighting for the ones that don't have the support or drive i do ....

rachel on masturbation and why I cannot any longer ? the real pain in me

Hi,

I have been putting off talking about the serious topic of how my urges to masturbate have diminished ? Or have they?

That was a leading statement because I have read so much documentation that estrogen can reduce or increase the sex drive. In all honesty I am beginning to doubt so many of the papers written on the topics of estrogen and the transgender person. I wish people would have said “ you are an experiment and hormones may kill you, heal you or …. Here is a thought…. We don’t know what it will do to you.”

What we have is a study here and study there and almost an entire subculture isolating to the point that it has compounded the risk of taking estrogen at any age. Let me clearly point my finger at the transgender community and the lies, half truths and total silence has contributed to the suicides and death toll on this side of the fence. Please those in the community step forward and help the community by talking as my mother would say, “open your mouth Donald.” The problem as she would tell you is that once I open my mouth it never shuts up. (as a sales manager at Kirby once told me for every finger you point you have two pointed at you)

Now that I have said the easy stuff let me open my mouth and tell you about my thoughts on masturbation and why almost I never do it anymore. ( not easy but a necessary conversation) I woke up for years and years with an erection like most males most of the time. However I hid a demon no one in my family knew about or dare ask me about and that is my gender. So fast forward to 2012 when I started taking estrogen and , from my prospective , the lies stopped almost immediately. Why? I have no idea to be honest.

By month two I was crying on my bed uncontrollably because that thing , a penis , did not belong between my legs. I had lived a lie upon lie and tried to deny who I was for nearly ½ century. What it gained me was nearly at one point 347 lbs while averaging 300 plus in any given year. I had lost my identity and my soul with it until 2012 when I started hormone treatment.

So every morning , unless I am stressing about something overwhelming which is rare, I wake up crying and why. My hormones are raging in the morning and I put my hand between my legs to masturbate and close my legs to stop my fingers because I realize I don’t have a vagina. My brain thinks one is there but consciously I have to stop myself because I know one does not exist yet. The mental anguish is beyond anything I have every read or dreamed of in my life. Hormones is the drug that gives me life and is the kiss of death all in one dose.

I can caress my body like any other woman in the shower or bed then become aroused but then I have the urge to play with myself and …. I cannot. I also think there is a distinct reason that I enjoyed learning how to make a woman organism with my fingers. I think subconsciously I was learning how I would pleasure myself when I have a vagina. Now I even mentally imagine using my index and middle finger to pleasure my vagina that does not exist. Make no doubt I have not lost my mind and I do know that I have no vagina but as the hormones rewire my brain more and more every day the urge to pleasure myself becomes more intense .(what makes this so surreal is the hand dominance which has changed to left handed since taking estrogen)

How do I cope. I cry and cry often in the bed, shower, train, bus, public or at work in my cubicle. It is a hell no human being can imagine unless you are in my shoes. But I cannot imagine what it is like to have cancer and have no possibility of surgery. I do think that talking about it relieves some of the , enough, pain to live through the next day and heal a little more. I also use food as a coping mechanism which is destroying me. I think at this time if I was honest with myself ziglar would say I am fearful of success of by overeating I am ensuring I cannot have surgery. I think it is a reasonable possibility because of everything I fear. now there is nothing I fear than confronting the day of surgery and what it feels like because again no one is talking about the real experience of sexual reassignment surgery.

I am fucken scared and not that I might die that I have made peace with but what makes me so scared is the unknown. We all have heard doctors and others talk about surgeries and what they experienced but with sexual reassignment what does anyone know? Question? Considering that fact that Thailand alone has done 10k surgeries why is no one opening talking about their experience. In this country women have the surgery and post on the doctor’s webpage with their initials but no testimonials with picture or videos. I think it is because so many want to forget the past . I want to embrace my past to heal and I know that is the most important ingredient of healing myself.

I have heard from several that have had surgery and one said, “ it is not that bad.” excuse me ? They rewire your entire sex organ and pack it in ice for an entire day and you cannot travel for up to three weeks. It is not that bad? Another said , “ it was free.” yet another I met in person taught me that being mentally sane is more important that the surgery. The woman I met had issues well beyond gender so much so I could only talk to her for 20 minutes.

A good friend of mine told me long ago that the beginning of mental illness is seeing only one prospective and the prospective that this is just another surgery and all will be ok once I have the surgery is irrational. She also told me that I am the voice of reason and it is rational to be scared and if I was not scared there would be a cause for concern. What concerns me more than anything is what to expect after the surgery should I have little or no complications from the physical surgery. What are the mental health implications beyond surgery?

My prospective is that I was in shock once I saw my hair fall off my back in less than six months. One day I looked and it was just gone. Then I saw the changes in my face and complex of my skin and I literally cried because the changes happened so fast. Now imagine if that scares me how would my mind be able to handle a different sex organ between my legs after 50 yrs. This is not a small change in life but one that could mentally break me? I don’t know because no one talks about the tough topic of mental health in the transgender community.

Who do I draw my information from ? Women. Women talk about hormones opening and honestly. They laugh with me and say I know you understand about mood swings etc Rachel. The issue with me is not the mood swings but the mood swings combined with memories of the past, what could have been, how to piece the puzzle together in a complex high stress world. All of this is a recipe for disaster and hormones could not only kill you but you could end the pain via suicide.

How often do I think of suicide? It depends on any given stressful situation . Often it happens when I am seriously stressed at work or my personal life in adapting to my new environment as a woman. Add sexual harassment by men and all the discrimination other women experience and I promise you one day in my shoes any man would be begging for mercy on his knees.

As I have said before I did not pick it , it picked me. I wish every morning I was just another woman with vagina since birth but I am not and I cannot change that as hard as I or want to at times. There is no escape of this disease and the best , not perfect , solution is sexual reassignment surgery.

I want and need to know what it is like to feel like a woman sexually. I am truly am trapped in between two world’s and I could not fight this disease by myself. Many would tell you that I am very independent and in the past I prefer to do things on my own and I will not need your help. But with this disease if I had not had help I , in my heart , know I would be dead or would have tried suicide multiple times.

Finally, in all honesty there are no words to describe what it is like not to be able to pleasure yourself when your hormones are raging like a teenager. It is a hell beyond anything I ever imagined in my life . I pray to god that I am able to pull things together and lose the weight necessary, raise the monies for surgery , continue hormone treatment while living a good life in a stressful world. I need help and the women in my life are more important that ever before . I truly believe it is possible that the mental challenges beyond surgery are greater than they are now?

When I think of surgery when I am in the bathroom at work and think of a surgeon slicing my penis on one side to make a vagina … it scares me …. Make me cry .. Tears of joy but mostly scared.

Thank you for allowing me to share part of my life with you

God bless

rachel

thank you from rachel and more of the puzzle of gender identity disorder and god

your last email make me cry, "....i am thankful for our friendship." I know the world you come from and I am moving towards is not a world that I came from in my past. you,  and few others are the first one where the friendship is mutual and we all value the friendship and opening say how we feel. i knew from an early age that I did not come from a loving family and that is sad but it was a blessing I knew in a crisis what I wanted out of life and I sought to find it for decades.

here is a personal piece of the puzzle that happened recently. when I was a kid I was not very strong , wonder why? duh  for example so when I need to open things and I did not have the strength to open jars  I would use my mouth. this disappeared over the decades but recently came back and when I learned of it in the moment it made me cry because i knew why. I would tighten jars etc so tight because of the environment which dictated everything  and being told how, what and never why to do everything in my life. welcome to the real world of estrogen where all of your hidden secrets come to life and hit you so hard that it drops you to your knees and makes you confront all of your demons. you can run but you cannot hide.

(so the marines was a good match to an abused woman and how sad. on estrogen all of your life answers are told to you ... good and bad.  i remember i played my father chess and he won almost all the games but on several occasions I won and it was worth it and challenged me too.  but then I found a way to not win a game but played for a draw. I have this way of finding ways to win when others give up I am just getting started. my drive to succeed I was born with but when I was in sales I adopted so many principles of zig ziglar.)


but fast forward to last week and now that I have identified the issue of why I tightened the jars so tight and  I have resolved the issue and moved forward. the secret i have that few would believe is I know why I am moving so quickly towards healing? women with the influence and power in society came to my rescue ......you helped me understand it was safe to reveal the real me and I was given the chance to allow myself to become very vulnerable. I did not establish a support system but friends that care about people and the ....... put it best..... we take care of our own. I never had this in the past and this is probably is the fundamental reason why i am so strong and like i have said before I am only as strong as the women around me.

i also make peace with god. years ago in church a monseigneur kirpatrick said in a speech " you either get closer to god or farther away." that statement has always been with me all of my life but just under the surface. before estrogen and before i had spiritual friends in my life I had the maladaptive dreams and everything seemed to go back to the church. i did not know why but i think I do now and with my new life I do not have any more maladaptive dreams revolving around the church. i think this has taught me if i can resolve my spirituality and move forward it is very possible if i can resolve the mental illness with my gender which will help me truly heal.

I am so different than my peers in the community because it is a spiritual healing from within and others see it as a physical one. as you would say there are no accidents. i read an article about enstein and he said there is no god . he is wrong and I might be living proof that
with god's helps I can heal where others fail.( one cannot put everything into nice neat scientific box for exampe we humans see things in a defined way and the universe is unending.... i acknowledged this in a 7th grade science class...thank you mr. hazelton....mmmm accident? )

lastly I would like to thank so many from all of the world viewing my blog. knowing so many are viewing , let's call our blog, has helped me heal. i say our blog because I see this as a group project and this helps keep the demon of my gender just far enough away that I might survive and live to tell the story to help so many others. i never envisioned so many would look at the blog from as far away as eastern europe , western europe , usa and everywhere else.

thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me heal ,

rachel

big part of puzzle is not mood swings but hopeless .....

Hi,

I went into a dark space today and I knew it in the moment yet I could do nothing to stop it. Nothing. I was powerless to stop the emotions and thoughts that followed late today.

I had drank more red wine then I usual today and I could feel my emotions and thoughts of the past and present all day long today. (red wine in studies has shown to 2x-3x a woman’s estrogen level) I was crying earlier today because of the pain of my childhood and the question that cannot escape me is why ?

I will tell you both that I asked myself why would god do this to me? What did I ever do to deserve to be put through so much shit and pain that few human beings survive. When I say survive I mean specifically live through the mental health struggles, the surgery and talk to others about the deep pain. It is no wonder people in my day to day life are in awe of me and listen to my story and that is because so few, if any , are willing to put their mental health on the proverbial chop block. It is a considerable risk but I see no way around the core issue of a mental healing of the heart and soul.

Back to what happened today now. I thought I had my emotions in check to a point and by to a point that would mean the usual emotional pain and thoughts I have every day of my life since I started estrogen. I was wrong again. I have been more wrong than right on estrogen. My core belief is that the world that I knew for 50 years does not exist and never will exist again. That change is so constant on hormones that the variables change from day to day. I am able to survive , and that all you can do at times, by acknowledging the fact that everything up to including suicide is a possibility. To think anything else you are only kidding your self as my mother would say to me many times as a child.

My anxiety is so intense and hypersensitive that one event can put me in a tail spin that put my emotions so out of control the event controls my behavior much like, no exactly , a conditioned response. Because that is exactly what is a conditioned response over the years but now in the safe environment I can think and acknowledge in the moment what is happening but I cannot alter the behavior or conditioned response yet. I am working so hard, as I cry, to change this conditioned response but I really , really don’t know how . No doctor can help me , as I cry more because of the realization of the situation is so serious, because so few if any ever tell the doctor what is really happening in one’s mind while on estrogen. This process and the mentally healing physically and emotionally drains me until times, like now, I have nothing more to give in my heart and soul . Nothing.

Today I went to the store , with my emotions raging and thinking I had it under control when I did not , and I shopped for about one hour and headed to the check out stand to pay for my food. All I had brought to the store was a credit care. When I checked out the woman said we do not take credit cards only debit cars. I was so exhausted mentally that was the break point of my emotions. I calmly left the store thinking I had everything under control. Wow I was so wrong.

I had just walked out of the store and I started to cry and cry and it was so uncontrollable. I sat down away from everyone near the bus stop and was almost curled up in a ball with my head down crying and crying . I knew what was going on but I could not control my emotions. I am still crying because of how much it affected me today. I asked god to take me ? I said to myself I cannot take this anymore. I begged god to take me via stroke , heart attack whatever… please don’t make me suffer any more. The problem is every day it is getting more and more intense. I have no idea if I can survive the journey ? No one does and anyone that says this is in denial or lying to you or themselves.

Case and point no matter what we are human beings very much alike and study after study has shown that estrogen elongates and widens the denrites in the brain. To me the studies just reinforce my experiences on hormones . I need to see in things in black and white and that is what the studies do for me. Plus I have talked to enough in the trans community and privately all , if they will talk to me without running away, tell me their experiences are very similar to mine. For example one woman told me on hormones she had never thought of having babies but after taking estrogen she really wished there was a way that she could have children. I have had the same thoughts and feelings. The similarities do not stop there .

So back to the my story about today. I get off the bus in front of walmart and I catch my panty hoses on something and I nearly trip out of the bus. Again I asked god why don’t you just take me this is not worth it. Why me ? What did I deserve or do to be born in a male body but female brain wtf. How much more can I take without mentally cracking or attempting suicide? The real answer is no one knows. One of my greatest fears is one day I might wake up and due to the stress I would not know who I am because it is the intense day after day with no letting up. There is no relief and , it is my prospective, there perhaps will never be any relief because my world as I knew it will never exist again. Even if I stop estrogen now I don’t think it would reverse much and there is the distinct possibility that that could kill me. The dirty secret is that estrogen can kill you going in it, while your on it and if you come off of it. It literally is a one way ticket.

Then there is my perception that if I lived physically coming off estrogen I would be dead emotionally because I know what is on the other side of the fence. So , to me, physically or emotionally it is a one way ticket and it will either cure me or kill me. This is my inner most feelings and thoughts about estrogen.

I am sorry but I keep digressing but let me get back to the story. I finally gather all my groceries at walmart and pay for my food but after all the emotionally trauma I am exhausted. I just sit on the bus and try to relax but with estrogen there is not such thing of stopping because it is constantly rewiring my brain which brings up thoughts of the past and present . But what makes it particularly challenging is you see things how they are not how you want them to be. For years I lived in a dream world of how I wanted things to be and now my world is so much different.

The events today pushed me so far I almost went to where so many others go and that is thoughts of prostitution. I went back into my cyber and pornography world , which I had not done in months prior to today, I just did not care. I had cyber sex and I did not care about anything and said god does not care about me so ….. Who cares?

Well other women do care about me but for a short while today I thought about going back to the adult stores and doing things I have not done in 3 years. I have started to overeat to compensate for my pain . Food is my drug of choice and this is why I have gained back 50 lbs over the last year. I know I cannot have surgery unless I lose at least 20 but my emotions are so out of control I cannot resist the urges to overeat and why?

(God helped me back today and the relationships of the spiritual women through their love and caring helped guide me back from more self destructive acts. )

I unlocked another piece of the puzzle . What is so sad is I have to unlock this puzzle piece by piece because no one seems willing to share with others of what estrogen really does in the public forum. A big part of the puzzle is not what the “experts’’ think nor many in the community. I did not go into a deep depressive state of mind because of the mood swings but because of the lack of hope. The mood swings do not help but the lack of hope is a critical issues on hormones.

What I mean by this is that many people will say let’s hang out Rachel. For whatever reason it never happens. I have one friend who I hang out with on a regular basis but that is not often . I have found out that unlike back east, eastern usa, where I would likely not be able to find work in Portland I am about as politically correct as the president. But once others have found out that I am a bit of a conservative and they cannot use me they have no time for me. Then I wonder if there is a reason why the people that say they wanna spend time with me and … what if it like my daughter implied years ago….. What others would think of them and their association with a woman like me ? What I mean is do others have to remove the stereotype of a woman like me? And the risk is too much to take on with their family or friends? Questions come to me especially in a deep depression like today. Of all times I ask myself the tough questions and that is probably the reason I have never attempted suicide. Ziglar would say those that know what and how will always work for those who know why? ( my life is anything but an accident… a code phrase with a friend of mine for saying it is god.)

I have found that going to the ballet , concerts, French restaurants , etc my gender is never an issue that I know of consciously. However it may be an asset more than anything in Portland not because I am politically correct but so many times I hear people tell me “ Rachel I never met anyone like you.” I take that to mean you mean no one like me that would sit down and talk to you without the conversation dwelling on gender. My belief is “ my gender is not the totality of who I am nor who I ever will be in my life.”

How deep does the pain go some days … ok you really want the reality of the situation? If upon my natural death if I could not have surgery last week I thought about asking a friend to have someone remove this thing between my legs so I could leave this world a woman not a woman with a penis. The pain is that fucken deep. Who would wish this upon any human being?

The secrets held by a subculture and society have put more stress upon me than was necessary. Although this pain cuts me to my knees where I barely can pull myself off the apartment floor , out of my cubicle at work or , like today, off the side walk I cannot loathe nor hate a gender nor society because of what others have done. I do not have the capacity to hate and I do not desire to know how other’s hate other women because they have a vagina and I don’t. I do know in my darkest hours women and god have watched over me for decades but I never dreamed the nightmare I am in right now would be so bad and challenging that at times I think of suicide.

I dream of the time when the conversations I have are no longer necessary and we all treat each other with respect, love and kindness. When I took my first estrogen pill I just wanted to live my life and one as a woman with a woman that love me for me , nothing more nothing less. I had no idea what I was getting myself into because no one talks.

As a doctor told me not so long ago, “ Rachel they will not talk to you nor us.” this has been my experience also within the transgender community that no one talks and this is probably because of the mental health issues of anxiety and depression. Believe me when I say this disease scares me but is manageable more so …. You would be shocked…. I think I can beat this disease but my arthritis the disease that would kill my heart if it comes back.

I am fighting two deadly diseases rheumatoid arthritis and gender identify disorder. If I could ask anyone for one thing is to please pray I make it and can talk about it so others do not have to suffer like I have in the past.

Thank you for allowing me to share my story again,

Rachel

why i cry ...... my frustration on hormones and willness to take on the demons

private email to a few other friends... edited to protect the privacy of my friends......

i have been so blessed to have you......... my life. i appreciate your prayers for god to help me find the perfect woman. I think so many of us have ptsd and to acknowledge it is  a huge thing. it was a huge step to put myself out there for dating. I took today off work because of stress and that event.(see previous blog) i have found out that the smallest thing can put me in a tail spin mentally. i know this in the moment but cannot change how I think. i switched back to right handed last night and despite my best efforts I could not use my left hand. I think once I can learn to cope with the issue in the moment I will be ready for surgery and the next step in my life.

The biggest issue now is coping with the high hormones and sex drive of a teenager who cannot do anything. that issue alone can explain the frustration of so many on hormones. to want ot be with a woman and know ..... i think consciously I knew all of this for decades but now I have to confront my deepest fear yet it is a joy too. the secret of all of this to admit you have ...... issues and find a way to resolve each issue little by little. as I told ...... who in the community, other then me, would stand up in a group setting and admit I am.....and need help. this is why I have began to heal. when I bring a woman into the mix this will increase the emotions but it will heal me too.

I have found that more intense the challenge more effective estrogen becomes and more I heal but it nearly breaks me at times.i bend but don't break. this brings many tears and the pain is deep at times , very deep.

i have looked for a woman who would love me as me for decades. I told my ..... about the woman in me and she said that was great but when she realized it was real ... she said " i don't want you doing that anymore." that broke my heart. I know why I have not had a relationship with a woman for decades and it is because I want it all or none. i want to be with a woman as woman emotionally and sexually. I cannot have this without surgery. it literally is ripping my heart apart piece by piece. I would , as i cry, never wish this hell on anyone.

this is why I question why would god put all of this on me ?
 I know you may not completely understand this ......... has helped me heal ... in ways others will not know ... but god knows.

thank you

rachel

very private email to friends , how it really is on hormones ..... marines

this is a very private email to 2 friends with some info on me edited out and a friend's name

the power of estrogen scares me at so many levels because of how clear my past is and how it all figured in to making me who I am today. my parents from an early age knew I was different and both of them try to literally.....the woman out of me . one parent used another as an instrument to change how I think and feel.  ( i would yield but only temporarily... i will try to push the woman  out of my mind... but i failed too).......

then on the max today  , the train in portland, i talked to a woman and I started to talk about the marines. she told if not for the marines her son would not be be alive today. she said in Afghanistan her son's army unit was lost and under fire and the marines made their way to the son's unit. she told me he would have been killed but the marines had their act together and rescued her son and his unit.


Then later I returned home and I had joined a social dating site called zoosk. A woman had messaged me and I thought that was a good thing. Then I received a message and she said i did not know you were transsexual . omg on the profile of this site I state my gender in the opening page and a link to my blog. i have never nor ever will hide. but when I received a note that she would not date me because a previous relationship with a transsexual woman did not work out and it was not a good fit. I was devastated and cried. i know what others think of me ... i am just man in a dress....almost but not a woman..... i am not stupid .... the problem like ......would tell you is i can step back and see things for what they are and this is a true curse at times. i want to crawl up in a ball and never leave my apartment. this hurt me so bad.

i have known almost since I took the first estrogen pill i am hypersensitive to my environment. but i am learning that this was me all along but the reduced anxiety in my life has enabled me to acknowledge all of this and much more in the moment. I will call ...... tomorrow and talk to her about the message from the website . and earlier today I told ....... i am scared because dating will increase me to a new level of emotions. i told her this is because I don't know what is like to be with a woman as a woman and I have never been in a functional relationship in my life. all this is overwhelming and I will be lucky to survive this journey. ...... said I have your back.

...... is trying to get me to talk about the surgery and I am avoiding it like the plague. i know why I am not saving money for surgery and that is because i am scared to death of where I am headed and i dont want to die .... i am scared but I cannot live like this much longer... the pain is so unbearable most of the time.... i cry in my cubicle at work ..... there seems like there is no way to control or manage this disease at this point..... but I cannot put it back in the bag.

i heard one girl state she detransitioned but in my opinion once you let this cat out of the bag there is no true way to put it back in the bag. the truth is you know what is on the other side of the fence and ...... the challenges and violence that could come your way is real not some typed document on line or 2nd hand knowledge it is your life and the minute you leave your apartment you put your life in danger but , as ziglar would say, it is far more dangerous to stay in your apartment.

( but my issue is there is no way to figure how much increased danger I am in because of trans and gender. i have a feeling that so little is trans but more gender. this is something that is not unique to trans but to all women and traveling the mass transit system increases any woman's risk of danger.) it is my opinion that if I was raped it would be a hate crime but if a woman born as woman would be raped it would just be a crime . to me me rape is rape and my life is no more valuable than any other woman and rape should be a hate crime either way. i think asking myself the tough questions is important in my healing process.

thank you

rachel

rachel the marines, my experience on estrogen and my deep secret

 Hi ,

There are times that I debate with myself what to blog about and what to share but today it was quite clear what I need to talk about this evening. I have held the driving force of my experience on estrogen to myself  but now I will share that with you now. It is not what many of you would think but is could be the key reason I have such a different prospective than other on estrogen,

This goes back to when I was very young and the Vietnam War was raging in the mid 1960’s . Every night my family, like so many others would watch the evening news, and on CBS I can remember the number that was put on the screen of the Television of the how many had been killed in Vietnam. At the time I had no idea of the impact on me at a conscious level. I was between 5-10 years old. I also had written to a solder in in the army while serving in vietnam.

So every night my family and I would see the fighting that was happening in Vietnam and even in 4th grade we talked about it at school as part of a project. I remember this boy brought in a map of Vietnam and as a class we talked about the war. This war was different because reporters would report from the front lines. It was so surreal. (with estrogen my memory of the past becomes more clear by the day or minute at times)

What does t Vietnam have to do with estrogen and my life? Well we , America, left thousands of men in Vietnam never to be seen again. As my grandfather would say many times , “ how many of them were Congressman son’s? probably none. My point is we did nothing.

Then fast forward to 1979 when the hostages were taken in Iran. This was more personal to me than Vietnam because I was on a US Navy ship as a US Marine just off the coast of Iran . Due to the failure of one rescue mission to take the hostages out of Iran President Carter was reluctant to attempt another rescue . although we trained for months on such a mission it was not to be . I don’t know one Marine who was not ready to do their duty and fight to get the hostages back. But once again we did nothing.

Then in 1983 the Marines were bombed in Beirut, Lebanon. ( this was during my 2nd tour in the marines and I never deployed overseas.) I remember weeks preceding this a US Marine Lt. Colonel warned that the marines were not trained to sit in one position and keeping us there was a mistake. Our country was out raged but what did we do? Again we did nothing.

You see my journey on estrogen is not a physical one but something that has awoken my spiritual and moral principals. I knew this young kid who promised herself that she would do something when the opportunity presented itself. On her grandmother’s swing she said to herself I will swing in this swing when I am old and know I did all that I can in her life. That girl is me.

So when the opportunity to speak at the Regional VA conference was put in front of me , in my eyes, there was not choice because to not speak would cut at my heart and say I did nothing. I know for every one of me there is another woman that does not get as far as I am in my life and I don’t mean transgendered.

What pains me is I sat on the side lines for year and years as I saw the shit women took from society and I did nothing . I think this had an additional negative effect on my mental health coupled with my gender issue. I have watched long enough and now I feel morally compelled to do my part and , with the help of other women, will do in my part to push the voice of all women.

So many think the discrimination I face is a transgendered issue, not. 90 percent of the discrimination is gender and I not so quiet at times. I remember some time last year a few men were talking about women and demeaning us sexual. Well I waited and waited then I hit back with this statement: you know I don’t do woman … women do me.” one male said , “ oh Rachel that is TMI (too much information) I said oh but it ok to do and say what you are doing? There was no response from the men. I thought , as my mother would say, “ that is what I thought.” what I have come to learn and ponder is How did I keep this woman inside for so long? The answer is the price of holding her inside came at a price I hope others will not have pay by speaking out now.

The key to my strength and courage is because of all the strong women I have met in my life. But over the last 2 plus years there are three women that are my friends, mentor’s , allies and really the complexity of our relationships blurs the lines of what defines friend. In my darkest hours when I think I am about to mentally crack one the three women holds me up, makes sure I am safe and helps me through the day. Not one enablea me but what they are able to do is get me to think and gently guide and push me in the right direction that is in my best interest.

Two of the women are my spiritual advisors at times and one recently told me, in reference to the media, “Rachel you may be asked to do things you don’t want to do.” While another would tell me you are in my thoughts often and yet the other is very firm and fair and tells me you better listen to your therapist and relax.

All of the women in my life know that I am going through puberty again and they know from their experiences how difficult that can be. Women do understand and to me they are the experts since they have been on hormones for 20, 30 40 plus years. I know this belief may not be one that is popular in the trans community but it is my firmly held belief. Yes I do ask them tough question and they ask me the questions I need answers to and this happens very often in our conversations. We don’t crack the egg shells we break them and often too. I am glad they are strong women .

God bless each one these women because they have showed me that the anger I once held in my heart was all in my head because of my misconceptions of how society does not care. They care and so many do care if the you give them the chance and open your heart of to others. This was apparent for many months but what was not was what they see is the love in my heart and otherwise god.

My journey is so much different because of the marines , my life experiences and especially the women in my life. Why? I have told all but one that given a choice of surgery or donating an organ to one of them I would always opt , if I was a match to them, to save their lives. (surgery would be sexual reassignment surgery) that’s right. If the doctor would say Rachel you have a choice to save one of their lives or have surgery next week I would save their life . There is no choice in my mind. Their love and kindness has changed me as a person and guided me through a hell I hope few ever have to experience.

Then this past week I realized that I have come so far when I met a homeless woman. I met her on the train in Portland and we talked about both the homeless community which is a world I know very little about and the trans community. She shared her story with me and I was so touched by her that when I got off the train I was in tears which were rolling down my face. This woman has nothing and asked for nothing. I then also realized that if she needed an organ to live I would do the same for her and this selfishness in me did not exist not so long ago. I am sure it did but it was just under the surface.

I live a good life in Portland now but this disease is acerbating by the second at times. I cannot and will not slow it down. I would rather die as a woman then go back to a life of deep depression and hiding from society. I am tested every week on my commitment of womanhood and hormones and there is not a morning that does not go by that I ask god why ? And ask my mother to fix something that she could have never fixed. The pain is deep and the crying is more intense each day but make no doubt I know that all of this means I am alive for the first time in my life .

Thank you for allowing me to share my story,

rachel

sugery in mexico and my prospective of the issue

hi

i sent an email to mexico for sexual reassignment surgery opps I was told the politically correct term now is gender reassignment.... omg ... any how here is the info they provided to me. ok now that I am back to me I realize that the lowest bidder is not the best because i have researched this topic pretty throughly. three days is not enough time to have the surgery and recover. in thailand every doctor recommends 3 weeks because after a week they remove the stitches from surgery and still it takes time to see if there are complications from surgery.( a hospital in mexico will do surgery for 10k and only 3 days recovery)

furthermore , not to sound like professor , but even the doctors in the states recommend 3 weeks stay in the location of the surgery. the last thing I would want is to show up at the portland va er and literally be in fear of losing my life because of the quality of care I received from some hospital in mexico. that would put the portland va in a really bad spot and that is the last thing I would want to mention I have the desire to live after surgery.

the overall price is lower than any but damn ziglar the price and cost comparison brings all this home. the price of 10k would be one time and the cost could be 10's of thousands and the possibility of death , none of which i desire. the pain is that my hormones are raging
like a teenager and to be lady like .... i never satisfy my desires for sex....hormones are a blessing and curse. on that note others that talk to me about hormones have decided to wait and see because of my experience.

(email to a friend of mine)

thank you

rachel

A legal Lesbian marriage in Oregon (usa)?

here is what I post on my facebook page

Rachel Reid shared Lezbehonest's photo.
question for oregon when I have my surgery next year; sexual reassignment surgery and get rid of this thing called a dick; then I marry a woman would that be a legal lesbian marriage if I have my gender on my birth certificate changed from male to female? duh as my mother would say "donald" you make a federal case out of everything... well if society would treat others equal I would not have to make a federal case out of this issue

was in response this posting by a male with a poster

if we are all equal why does my sister need a dick to marry a chick

that is a good question.

private email to friend about memories , real pain and my drive to find another rachel

i have no idea how I am suppose to feel at this point. i also talked to another female at work and she was very interested in women like me but noticed in blogs the longer they were into hormone therapy the shorter and shorter the blog was online. I said I know and I have promised many that I will not go stealth like almost everyone else. people will talk about this taboo topic if the trans subculture would be open to open conversations.the key difference with me is apparently you don't have to step on egg shells when we talk and you will not offend me . this is the primary concern I have run into in my two plus years on hormones. people are afraid to ask because they are concerned of how I will respond to questions. how sad is this we cannot have open conversations because so few are like me and give people space to speak openly and in return others give me the space to speak opening. opps solved another part of the puzzle.

i am in more pain than ever so I am compelled to push forward and go back. i cannot go back thus on sunday I will do another video and setup a site for fund raising for my surgery. in my mind work is my backup plan and my plan A is for me to take control of the project .... i am not sure I can do what others have failed to do. but I can tell you when it is all done no one can say i quit.. i am crying now because .... it is taking every ounce  of my energy to push forward. i truly understand why others quit and or try suicide. you have to face your own reality .... ie yesterday this is really what estrogen is like... my umbrella accidentally hit my face and I had a very vivid vision of my father slapping me in the back of the head which was followed by , something I had not remembered in years, my mom continuing hitting my face as I used my hands to protect my face. she would say do you understand mister . sad part is in the 70's this was considered fair punishment and today we call it abuse which it is . (the estrogen widens and lengthens the denrites in the brain which in my opinion increases your ability to remember the past in a vivid way which overwhelms the mind)

then last week i remember how I cut my penis and what the knife looked like and the table in our home . the whole thing is that the visions are so vivid and so colorful it is like you are there. now through the grace of god that although I have the brutal memories of the past hit me minute after minute each day I push through each day little by little. but not to say it is all bad ... ie the exact feelings of how I like girls in high school makes me blush in the middle of the day. the core issue is that I have the stomach and heart to push through each day and heal some . but it seems like for every step forward i need another new coping mechanism to heal. so as I am challenged more and more and I have to develop skill sets to resolve the issue in the moment. this is a high stress environment .



the difference with me is I am willing to open my heart to all I can to resolve the issue. this in turn , in my opinion creates more and more neural connections in my brain which increases the effectiveness of estrogen. so my experience is very different than anyone else . I am sure there is another rachel out there but she is hiding. I am trying to find a way to heal and draw her out. I hope this in turn will draw out others and the public will see there are many of us who want simply to live our lives like everyone else and not anything like the videos I watched on youtube yesterday. we are women of class, character and simply want to be respected.


thank you for allowing me to share,


rachel

ps my prospective of sharing my story is also very different than others in the subculture .

rachel the case for insurance companies to pay for sexual reassignment surgery

Hi

I had a conversation with a woman today concerning insurance companies paying for sexual reassignment surgery. Her prospective is that if insurance companies included it in their coverage it would collective raise the rates of everyone paying for medical insurance. My immediate response was do you understand the medical cost to everyone? I was livid at first then I had time to think.

I thought ok if you discount the depression, anxiety , lack of quality of life and suicides and we narrow the conversation to money ? So let’s crunch the numbers. I will take the lead and I will be the case of paying for surgery and how it would benefit society.

Two years ago I was a recipient on welfare, food stamps, subsidized housing and since I did not have medical insurance I used the emergency room as my primary care. How much do you think this cost the tax payers of the united states?

The price of one month of subsidized housing was 820.00, food stamps was 200.00/ per month and the cost of emergency room visits cost the hospital thousands of dollars due to my weight which was 320lbs. The weight was brought on by depression in the form of overeating and was funded by food stamps provided by the state of Pennsylvania, The taxes I paid to the government was zero in fact I was entitled to a refund because of my lack of income. Then there was the monies from energy assistance for my electric bills .

So the monies paid for my housing was 9840.00 per , food stamps for food 2400.00, energy assistance was a conservative 300.00, and this does not include the visits for my medical to the emergency room nor the food banks that could have used the food to feed other families. This would bring the cost to the tax payers
$12, 540.00 plus the lost taxes paid to the government in one year alone. In two years the tax payers effectively could have paid for my surgery and added ten of thousands of dollars of collected taxes over the nearly 20 years I spend on welfare. The price of my surgery in the states is 25k for top surgeon and the ongoing cost of welfare and subsidiaries for 20 years is 250, 800. so I ask you what is cheaper for society the surgery or the symptoms of depression over a 20 yr period?

Today I live in my own apartment which is not subsidized. . I do not receive any monies from the government and pay taxes like everyone else. However emotionally I cannot wait years for surgery or I will be back to where I was years ago. I am in the fight of my life .

The stubbornness and the defiance of this woman is driving me to prove that a woman like me can win where others have failed but what keeps me barely above water is my hope of surgery. I also have the support of the leaders in society and when I am about to self destruct they hold me up and get me back on track. I realize at so many levels that the women around me is such a rare set of circumstance that I have the obligation to speak about this taboo topic that could help save so many lives and save society money in the short and long term . This is a no brainer as us Americans say.

The fact is the tax payers and society would save money by making sexual reassignment surgery a constitutional right like brazil. However I know it will take more than me to make this happen. I have the will to lead . but realize, like I have said so many other times, I will do my part And if everyone does their part it will in time become a reality.

First the misconceptions of entire subculture must be overcome by having open conversations in public and at the supper table. Once this starts to occur only then is there a chance that the general public would see the benefit of making this surgery part of any national health care plan. I believe this can be done one heart at a time. To quote a manager I cannot move this rock alone but all of us can move it up the mountain little by little.

As ziglar would say you either sell me on it or I sell you on it. I will flat out sell you on this.

Thank you

Rachel

Ps imagine this woman 3 years ago was hiding in an apartment which she called the cave and she only came out if she had to for specific reasons?  I think I have proved to society that I am an asset to society and there is a purpose for everyone.  There are more Rachel’s out there and hundreds more hiding like I did for decades. Please help me by opening up your heart to have an open discussion today.

some stats I found from brazil study on failure with surgery 40 % complications

hi

this is the first study that does not sugarcoat the danger of surgery.  40 percent have complications . it is as bad as I thought and what I have chosen to undertake is about as dangerous as any experimental surgery.  the pain in my body and mind increases by the minute and day. I cannot even look at two women kissing because I know I want to be with a woman as a woman but I cannot . I could pleasure her but I would want her to pleasure me and I cannot because of this disease I have no vagina. I have carried this pain in me for so long but with estrogen it has made me confront the horrible situation and can I survive to tell my story ?. i am praying to god and all my friends in my inner circle to hold on to me . i am in the fight of my life and since no one in the community will speak openly about the mental, health aspect I am doing it alone with a few women and doctors .... this situation does not have to exist.

thank you

rachel

the site is below


http://www.transhealthcare.org/sexual-satisfaction-srs-brazil/

why portland is a great city and a woman in a suicide prevention video about herself

hi

I have to share this video with you which helped me think because it was nearly where I found myself.  There were a few women around me that pulled me out of serious depression by simply giving me their time and let me know others do care.  This is not a transgendered issue but a society issue.

I had an unbelievable day. First I went to the va for my therapy appt and ran into a woman that is about as upbeat as anyone I know.  She always tells me how beautiful I am and I blush and say  thank you each time.  But today I met her in the elevator and she told me the same as always I am beautiful and I said you are very pretty too. then before I knew it she reached toward my face and pulled  a hair out of my face. I simply said thank you as we continued to talk.  I find her very attractive and ... she is sweet too. this Arabic woman works at the Portland VA . this is why the story of the va that few know . the news does not accurately represent the overall organization.

Then I went  to my bank to close an account which was because the service at the bank changed with my friend the assistant banker leaving the bank.  Her replacement wow .... so I go to close all of my accounts and the banker did not even ask me why I wanted to close the account.  I thought to myself I  made the right decision to leave this bank.

After that I went to Chase bank and wow I am glad I left the other bank.  The banker spend over one hour opening my account and explaining my options to save money for surgery.  I am very direct in my life and told her I need to save 15k to go to thailand to have the surgery done. and if you know me you would understand I chat up when I talk to anyone. before i know it she was sharing a little of her life with me and me with her.  plus moving to this bank veterans are given preference and there are no service fees on their accounts ... with limitations of course.

then I take the train in portland and before I know it I am talking to a couple younger women and one of their father's  is from Iran . I told her I was outside Iran on a us Navy ship when the hostage situation happened in 1979 . the three of us were talking  about the difference in cultures.

this is where you would think I would say that this is a rare occurrence but the reality is in my world since I put myself out there since on hormones I have days like this very often.  just before I talked to the woman from Iran I had talked to a woman that just moved to portland who was a college professor in latin american literature.  Portland is an incredibly diverse city and I love it here.

I love my life but make no doubt this disease is the biggest challenge i have had to taken on in my life.  i am scared of surgery and everything about it and what happens after surgery?

thank you

rachel

ps here is the video that really get you to think of why you should not even think of suicide

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jexv1LMmSqY&list=LLc8dChWdbSxWn7OKYGZoanw

rachel on the pain and reflection on the real challenges on estrogen and more

Hi

The pain in my heart is no better in fact somewhat worse now but I am healing mentally. The pain in my heart has so much to do with my brain and heart doesn’t understand why I have penis and not a vagina. This is tearing at my heart apart . I cry more every day and now I pray to God that he will help guide me through this hell that few talk about. Others may be able to hold all that I know inside but I cannot. In Fact I have no idea how I kept this a secret for so many decades, none.

I was thinking today how did I pretend , especially in the marines, that everything was ok. The answer is I did not pretend very well. I used alcohol, pornography and solicited prostitution in the marines as coping mechanisms for the gender Disorder. Estrogen enables you to remember how things were not how you want them to be . I know answers to everything I ever did in my life. One should not have the power to remember all that I do with such clarity. This alone overwhelms your mind and increases your already heightened anxiety and depression. Yes depression . Why do I say all of this?

This is Rachel’s theory: the increased depression and anxiety stresses the mind so much because you are using so much brain power to keep the secret that you want no one to know one cannot perform to your potential. Think about it ? If you are constantly on guard 24/7 to ensure you don’t slip up and refer to yourself as she , your feelings toward women as a woman, any emotional slip in front of men, and keep all your secrets to yourself don’t you think this not only takes an emotional toll on your mind but takes an enormous amount of your brain potential while trying to live your life in such a competitive world? This as a friend would say is not rock science but it is common sense. It has taken me a long time to put it all together. Another fact is we should not even have to have this conversation but since so few talk I will share my story with as many as possible until the conversation is not needed.

Now to add to all of the issue of holding in so much let’s consider how I coped with this so long. What coping mechanism would I keep a secret so long that I feared I would have the label of mentally ill attached to my name. The answer I had to unravel it by myself and it is something called maladaptive dreaming. It is part of OCD which is so taboo so little is known about it either. Maladaptive dreams are dreams during the day where in that world you have power over people and you are respected. I am sure that others have experienced this state of mind in abused , prisoner of war, and other hostile environments where the human mind becomes overwhelmed and is forced into true fight or flight mode. (the key is identifying this and passive aggressive behavior and modifying it to a more productive and positive behavior because it is in your best interest not because others want you to do it.)

It is my experience that breaking the day dreams and mental health issues of keeping these secrets are the key to , not only moving forward, but helping others heal. I have talked to a some women with the same coping mechanisms who have been abused and the challenge is how to move past this mental health issue. It is very common in people with OCD to identify that we know the mental thought process is not a “normal” thought process. I also have found women are very much more likely to talk to other women about this then men. But in all fairness I have never shared this with men so I really am not sure of their experiences and their coping mechanism to high stress environments such as abuse or combat.

I do know that from my experience on estrogen it has made me confront my deepest demons head on and it is not the pace you want but the pace of estrogen. That is the core problem and can you keep up pace of the drug and how it recovers memories you had repressed for up to 40 years? Can you live with feelings from 30 years ago in a competitive work place? For example I took a call from a woman named Jennifer on the phone last week and it evoked , in the moment, exactly how I felt about a girl in high school named Jennifer. The feeling was so real it was like I was 17 again but I was on the phone and needed to focus on work. I truly understand why so many turn back on estrogen because of what some call the “ mood swings.” it is not the moods swings but that memories of the past and the ability to grow in the moment or be crushed and have a mental break down. Some days I am close to a mental break down but I have found that that if I can work through the challenge the estrogen seems to become more effective and I heal in the moment. This is far more easier said than done.

How do I know the drug is more effective after I overcome the challenge? My breast start to hurt so bad the pain doubles me over and I become so light headed I feel like I am going to pass out but I don’t . It is my theory again that by healing in the moment I have created more neural connections in the brain which accelerates the effectiveness of estrogen. Am I right? every time I have doubted my intuition on estrogen I have been wrong. All the research of the scientist and doctors validates my feelings on estrogen. Everything from the wine that 2-3x the estrogen levels , workout which increase the estrogen via dopamine, the public speaking which compels me to resolve issues at a exponential pace, to working in a call center which is about as high stress as one can get given the fact you talk to 20 or so customers per day plus you interact with dozens of people in the work place. This really , in my opinion, has increased the effectiveness of estrogen. It is also my opinion that estrogen effectiveness can only be measured by the environment , the drug and your own DNA. In the right hands it will challenge you and in the wrong hands and the wrong environment I can see where it can kill you . The possibility of death I speak of could come in the form of nature death , suicide or one of the coping mechanism that you fall back onto because of the increased stress of estrogen.

Again I have come full circle to the fact that my support group of women are the best and in my darkest hours when I was ready to give in or even think of suicide they not only caught but got me back on track in my personal and professional life. I am speaking about what happened about 3 weeks ago when I was ready to quit and check myself into a hospital because the stress had become too great on estrogen . But a core of 4 women ensured and were able to help me . Why?

I have opened my heart to them and them to me. We have unequalled trust in each other and I know in my heart that they will do what is in my best interest. None enable me but what they do is enable me to grow and heal my heart and soul. What tears at my heart is I cannot thank them publicly for all their help and guidance. Without each one of them I would be dead or would have attempted suicide but because of the relationship we have developed with each other suicide attempts in my case are very unlikely. It is also the environment of Portland that has helped me too. So between the va, Xerox and the city of Portland I have lived a blessed life after many years of so much pain. But the core issue is resolving all secrets I have kept over the years and healing and believing it is safe to be me. I don’t always think it is safe but you have to remember from my prospective it was not safe for nearly 50 yrs so I still go back to my bad habits when stressful situations happen.

I know when stress is has reached a threshold but there is little I can do in the moment . But in a safe environment I can identify it in the moment but I am working on resolving it in the moment. How do I know it has reached the threshold of crisis. I will switch back to watching football, overeating, and use my right hand vs. my left hand. I also need constant validation by all the women in my inner circle because I think my world will fall apart like it has for so many years. I also am working on the issue of maladaptive dreams, anxiety , depression and I believe with every fiber of my soul I will win. I am fighting for my life and I am prepared to do whatever I have to so I not only survive but help others. This is another factor which changes my experience on hormones. Helping others and being validated via my blog from so many countries has had an enormous positive effect that few have had the privilege of experiencing while on hormones.

All of this is an accident? I think not God touched me and sent 4 angels to help me overcome a disease that there is little known about because so many will not talk. I have heard for so many in my travels that “ Rachel you need to talk .” I ask them why don’t you talk ? The impression I get from our conversations is that I have the strength that few have to go public the way I have over the last 2 yrs but who really has the support that I have had over the last 2 yrs. The answer to so much of this is god and my willingness to open my heart to others in society with no strings attached and risk was so much. The risk was proportional to the what I have gained and that is friends from all walks of life .

I look at other women and wonder if I would trade your body for mine to have a vagina. ( I ask myself the tough questions) . The answer is no I would not trade my body for yours because I love myself and God will help guide me with other women to support me . But let there be no doubt almost every day I want to quit and ask god why did you do this to me? Mother why did you pull out a baby girl ? It crushes my heart that so bad and the challenge is that my hormones are raging like a teenager but I cannot have sex because I have the wrong sex organ.

Let me be very direct….. I want to satisfy a woman as a woman but she cannot satisfy me because I have this damn disease ….. Surgery seems a lifetime away because of money. I have all the resources in place, my support group, my work at Xerox , the va medical team but I don’t have 15k . That is all that separates me and surgery . At least that is what I think at times but I know that I need to mental heal some more before the physical. Surgery. The fact is there are two surgeries with GID. One is the mental surgery which is probably harder than the physical one. But the fact probably is if you don’t mentally heal before the physical surgery it could crush your mental well being. May be this is why no one talks about the mental health aspect of GID. I don’t know but I am driven to change the perception of women like me and I will do it from a position of class and character.

The pain I have endured and will endure is overwhelming at times but I have the respect of so many because I speak the truth on such a taboo topic. I will post another video next week. I am mentally and physically exhausted after this week .

I will be positing a link for people that would like to donate monies for my surgery. This is something I did not want to do because I am a very proud woman and I come from a family where we do things on our own. But this disease is not something , not only me, but anyone can overcome without help. Any monies I receive beyond what I need will be donated to others for a fund that will be established in honor of the women who have helped me . This has never been about me but about helping others and in the process I have started to heal my soul.

Thank you so much for allowing me to share

Rachel

private email to a dear friends and panic attack

hi here is a personal email and it really tells the story of what it is like on the front lines of trying to go public about my story.... and so many others i am sure too

no accident and the grace of god.(oops) the situation had reached a level that caused a panic attack last night, major binge eating and I awoke in the middle of the night with a panic attack.... chest pains, stomach pains..... i told myself it is not real but i was so scared I did what I have done in the past.... pre dialed 911...and feel asleep with the phone next to me. if people knew what damage and stress it causes they would be more compassionate towards not only transgenderd people but humanity.

i also sounded off in a facebook group about the regional speech and how I was part of large group and it was not all me, but I just did my part. and several " trans" women liked the comment. there are many of me but we remain stealth. there will be a time for me to speak publicly but it will have to be on a ground of my choosing and with people I trust. no truer words were spoke when i stated at the regional conference.... my enemies are not in the va but outside the thick walls of the va. I also told........ I am well protected in xerox but not outside of it. i have known for a long time the reality of the situation but I am searching for a way to enlisted the help of the public in helping so many.

note:  it my opinion that on monday I will be the media darling and worshiped and by friday the certain members of media would hang me out to dry.i have known the risk of going public since before the speech at the va regional conference. i effectively broke ranks with an entire subculture for the greater good of the subculture .  before me I don't think any one dare speak to the depth and truth on hormones publicly . however if the public does not know the truth all they have to go on is what is in the media. my goal is to change the perceptions of women like me and I am doing it one heart at a time.

the pain between my legs increases by the day but the women around me again have protected me for my worst enemy me and those who would take advantage me for reasons of pure greed.

you have a great weekend too

thank you

rachel

ps i am much more at peace with myself today .... had i left that situation go on much longer ..... I don't want to think about it ..... i am glad I am back to normal ..... moody, bitchy at times, passionate with my trusting friends, crying, all the emotions of a woman.... i am happy once again ..............thank you

rachel unedited interview from last week

hi ,

i have decided to let the public see the unedited portion of my interview.  I hope it helps others understand and creates conversations within society for real change. please download the video before viewing. the second portion of the interview I cannot share at this time because of the xerox name.  I have the utmost respect for xerox but using their name entails legal issues .  as soon as I edit out the xerox name or get the approval of xerox legal I will post that portion of the interview.
thank you for allowing me to share

rachel

https://www.dropbox.com/s/utd714kxxwsbupi/Rachel%20Reid%20on%202013-10-20%20at%2017.44.mov

please do virus scan after download... it is from a 3rd party..... i will start doing utube this weekend

rachel it is time to raise money and bring this surgery to the forefront via live feed

hi

I am very determined to beat this disease and succeed where so many have failed. My goal is to ensure that others do have to endure the pain I have over the last few decades and fight the wars I have in the last 2 yrs.  There was no reason for people's  actions in many cases except their perception of who I am based on the media, experiences and generalization of who and what a woman like me is, none.  I intend to bring this disease to the forefront and with me there is literally no in between . there is only success and failure . I have been pressed into a leadership position because there really is no leadership within the subculture but plenty of politics is going on today.

again woman like me almost always just blend in society especially after surgery. not me , I intend to lay the foundation for a longterm solution for others with the help of so many others in society.  there is no way I can do this by myself and this comes from a woman that prided herself on doing it her way and by her self.  in the past I tend to , when I decide, move you out of my way with an oliver branch and if that did not work I did not hesitate using any methods available less physical force. I have changed dramatically in the last two years because of hormones. I have found who I am and I can work with others but trusting others  to do their job is hard for me since  in the past I have found so many are inept.  I have been compelled to change to survive and I have grown personally and professionally.

here is an email to a friend and my goals

I am going to talk to my banker friend about setting up a separate account to fund surgery since I read an article where paypal. stop and seized monies that funded a site for surgery not related to surgery .they held all monies for six months quoting irs regulations. I would be crushed if that happened to me.

the kinda site I would set up is below and I would link it to utube , facebook and my blog and anything you have in mind. i plan to reach out to my friends at xerox, va and who ever to reach the goal of 20k. but honestly If I reach 15k I am going to thailand. The relationship I have at xerox would make it possible to leave tomorrow If I had the monies in place.

I cannot take the pain much longer. I am mentally preparing and the mental issues of the past are quickly falling to the way side. the estrogen is a powerful drug and will either cure me or kill me. i have no in between and that is my personality. I like my chances of success and I would not wish this hell on anyone in the world. there is no reason for the wars I have fought in the last 2 yrs and well beyond.

talk to you later today

thank you

rachel

just fixed a glitch in blog oopps and here is video again

hi

i just fixed the settings so anyone can leave a comment now. thank you for bringing that to my attention. and here is the link to my video again. and thank you to peter for taking the time to cut and put it all together. now our project is to put together a sponsor to fund my surgery for video and in the ultimate world ... real time feed.

here is the link to my video again

thank you

rachel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTeRDCPQIxc

rachel's big goal to help my self and so many others..... real time surgery video feed

hi

This project I started nearly two years ago was to created awareness and remove the misconceptions of what woman like me is or is not.  I wanted to created one real story that was so transparent that it will help so many others in society. This is a group project unlike any other which has brought together the very best men and women in society . What pains me is that as big as this project gets the men and women that you will never see have had and will have the biggest impact in my life and this project. the group has put endless hours and devoted their time when they did not have to because it helps others and is the right thing to do.

the goal of this group , and myself, is to continue doing videos and find way to have a live video feed of my surgery where the process is completely transparent.this would include the up close and personal video of the entire surgery and the men and women around. I am determined to become the one that breaks the wall of secrecy of the subculture and this disease. I intend to win and help myself and so many others. But , unlike so many times in my life, I cannot do this alone because it will take a large group of people to accomplish a goal that no one has dared take on in the past. but I thought while I was in bed of what zig ziglar would say," it is not the goal that is important but who you become in the process. " this is a profound and such a true statement.

Early next week I will put a link in my blog to a external site for the express purpose of raising monies necessary for surgery. the fund will be set up so the only way I can access the monies are for the surgery and not unless the goal of 20k is reached. this is perfect to me because I am all or none woman and I intend on succeeding.

god bless all of you for helping in my journey,

thank you so much

rachel

finally rachel's first video clip from the interview over the weekend

hi,,

here is my video clip posted on youtube. please keep in mind I was sick all the night before so I am not at my best  but the message is what is important is the message. I hope you  like the clip and please know what you think and if you have any suggestions for future videos.

thank you

rachel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTeRDCPQIxc

rachel first video promo available by Friday

hi

I just received and viewed the clips of my nearly 2 hr interview which will be put into a 4 minute clip to be promoted in the nyc area.  I know what others see in me now... a genuine woman..... next time I need to focus on the positive changes with estrogen and how my life has changed for the better. I think I did better than when I was speaking... i was focused on the message when I speak .... now I can work on the delivery of the message next time.(the 4 minute clip will be ready by Friday)

I have gone from the shy kid in the corner of the classroom to a public speaker and that alone is proof positive estrogen can , and in my case, is worth all the heart ache and pain.  I am putting all of my efforts into this project because the fact is no one knows if I will die tomorrow or I will live to be 100 yrs old.  more than likely I will live to be a strong old woman since one grandmother lived to 100 and another to 95.  God help us all lol.

I am in awe if I step back and really see all I have accomplished in 2 short years on hormones.  but in the moment it rips at my heart like nothing that is talked about. I pray to god I will make it to surgery and beyond to help so many . this is my dream ... help others after I heal myself .... with my friend's and god's help.

thank you

rachel

making first video today wow

the opportunity to grow beyond my dreams is within my grasp.  i am scared as hell and wonder if god and friends  can with stand something so bold ? i think so but believe me when i nearly backed out of this opportunity i have the realization of the criticism I will receive on the left and right .  no one has dared talk about the mental health aspect of the hormone treatment and share their personal story before it seems. but i hope my message will be one of hope and others will tell their story from the prospective of humanity where everyone's opinion is important to the conversation.  this is not a transgender story but a story of a woman who has lived a good life and wants all that life has to offer and is willing to risk it all including death given the surgery is just beyond experimental stage but the possible complication can be dangerous to your well being and not talked about in the public realm.

I will share the video once I have the clip available to me.

thank you for allowing me share

rachel

article concerning transgendered community and so true

http://www.infobarrel.com/Lateral_Hostility_and_the_Transgender_Woman

this is so true and why I cannot remain silent.

thank you

rachel

rachel: how I healed and back to rachel and xerox

hi

I wanted to share how I healed my heart and soul in such a short period of time. first, the women around me are angels in my life. their faith in me never waived however they did not enable me but held me up and they actually pushed me forward because of the relationship we have developed over the years  .

I have a great therapist at the portland va and well... she said rachel you want to work on this worksheet or..... as you pulled it away from me... i said yes... she said are you sure.. i was laughing so hard because she was closing me on a sale of helping myself and I knew it. i would not trade her for anyone. she has been nothing but fantastic to me.

The woman who requested I see the therapist .... said words I never heard her use..... " you promise you will go to your therapist..... that scared me because that is when I knew the situation last week was serious.  I immediately reached out to my therapist.

The third woman well this is a complicated situation.  I can say this publicly that some might think she is really stern but I see her as a very strong woman .  she says what she feels she has to and what is in your best interest not what you want to hear. this is exactly what a friend does , a true friend any how.  she told me .... I expect you to do follow though with what your therapist told you ... and relax....this woman makes me laugh because she is so much like the women in my family. but more importantly she says many things I am thinking in any given moment and in all honesty knows what and how I will react to any given situation.  she is a source of strength to me that  many would  not understand ......

here is the email i sent to a friend and what helped me along with my friends


i really healed because I changed what I watch and listen to . I watched a movie on netflix "the perfect ending." which was about a lesbian love affair which ended with one passing due to an illness. I was in tears and it really touched my heart.

I also listened to celine dion.... love her music .....over one hour of xmas and very calming music

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTS-2CJkbKQ&list=LLc8dChWdbSxWn7OKYGZoanw


thank you all for allowing me to share my story . as my one friend would say , " it is a honor..."

rachel

private email to a friend with edited info

hi

I thought I would share a private email to a friend with edited info for our privacy

thank you

rachel


I am on a journey and my ability to piece the puzzle together is very unique . i ran across the first article in science daily about suicide rate and BDNF. I searched the key words BDNF and estradiol. (not sure how to turn off bold sorry) I came up with a possible reason why estradiol was/is so effective with me not possible others have a different experience.

it turns out what is termed BDNF is effected estradiol in a positive way. I also read a article where some doctors prescribe estradiol and recommend exercise. this is precisely what I have followed over the especially the first six months. perhaps this would explain my intense experience on estrogen which was mixed with a health dose of dopamine as ...... would say.

I also read an article that the protective layer that estradiol gives the brain can be undone by progesterone which used in treatment of some trangendered patients especially in the  community. it is my understanding that progesterone is prescribed for patients that do not respond well with estrogen to develop breast.

However, in my case the right mix of exercise and estradiol has challenged me like no other I have talked to so far. the left handed issue I have experienced and a switch of hand dominance is rare at best. and with me the more I fight it the more it creates anxiety. one cannot fight mother nature.

I am somewhat better and realized today that it is not transitioning to female or how one what to label it that has challenged me but deprogramming a marine and...... from fighting.(edited out info) . the realization that this is my core issue which is holding back my healing is very painful.

it took me nearly breaking to admit this is the core issue and I learned this while I was running today. I don't know what happens during running but weights do not have this same effect. the .......r and the training of the marines has programmed me to do one thing fight the enemy but now the enemy is me.

to move forward I have to let the woman within me guide me. letting go of the passive aggressive behavior and fight and flight mode is what i need to heal before surgery. only the woman inside can heal me and guide me through surgery and the whole process. but every time i feel any stress i go back to fight and flight and all of it's self destructive behaviors.


here are the links that I am referring to in the email

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/10/131010205325.htm?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+sciencedaily%2Fhealth_medicine%2Fpsychology+%28ScienceDaily%3A+Health+%26+Medicine+News+--+Psychology+Research%29

http://journals.cambridge.org/action/displayAbstract?fromPage=online&aid=8653809

http://www.grad.illinois.edu/content/effects-estradiol-and-exercise-brain-derived-neurotrophic-factor-levels-untrained-naïve-fema