private email to a dear friends and panic attack

hi here is a personal email and it really tells the story of what it is like on the front lines of trying to go public about my story.... and so many others i am sure too

no accident and the grace of god.(oops) the situation had reached a level that caused a panic attack last night, major binge eating and I awoke in the middle of the night with a panic attack.... chest pains, stomach pains..... i told myself it is not real but i was so scared I did what I have done in the past.... pre dialed 911...and feel asleep with the phone next to me. if people knew what damage and stress it causes they would be more compassionate towards not only transgenderd people but humanity.

i also sounded off in a facebook group about the regional speech and how I was part of large group and it was not all me, but I just did my part. and several " trans" women liked the comment. there are many of me but we remain stealth. there will be a time for me to speak publicly but it will have to be on a ground of my choosing and with people I trust. no truer words were spoke when i stated at the regional conference.... my enemies are not in the va but outside the thick walls of the va. I also told........ I am well protected in xerox but not outside of it. i have known for a long time the reality of the situation but I am searching for a way to enlisted the help of the public in helping so many.

note:  it my opinion that on monday I will be the media darling and worshiped and by friday the certain members of media would hang me out to dry.i have known the risk of going public since before the speech at the va regional conference. i effectively broke ranks with an entire subculture for the greater good of the subculture .  before me I don't think any one dare speak to the depth and truth on hormones publicly . however if the public does not know the truth all they have to go on is what is in the media. my goal is to change the perceptions of women like me and I am doing it one heart at a time.

the pain between my legs increases by the day but the women around me again have protected me for my worst enemy me and those who would take advantage me for reasons of pure greed.

you have a great weekend too

thank you

rachel

ps i am much more at peace with myself today .... had i left that situation go on much longer ..... I don't want to think about it ..... i am glad I am back to normal ..... moody, bitchy at times, passionate with my trusting friends, crying, all the emotions of a woman.... i am happy once again ..............thank you