rachel... I was wrong again!!!!!!

hi

After talking with a friend of mine, ann, I realize that going down the path of self  destructive behavior has plagued me most of my life. what does this have to do with the people and organizations that have hurt me , everything.  Everything I wrote about in the last few days is true, however, I am not like them and I do not want their problems. they have hurt me so, so bad but to stoop to their level is falling into the self destructive behaviors and hatred gets no one any where.

My friend Ann simply asked me ? what is/are my goals? I want to  live my life with a loving woman in the country and I want to be happy.  This brought me to tears because the path I almost choose would have destroyed me . how do I know this? last time I went after someone , my employer from back east, I brought the fiery of a woman scorned. I brought it hard and fast and dug up information on his hidden companies. I worked 12 hour days putting cases together for federal and state agencies which put me in contact with FBI and IRS agents.  I was on a first name basis with federal agents and a US senator aid . It cost him probably 1/2 million to a million in us government contract business and the potential for more  contracts  at  US military bases.  But he still was in business and I gained really nothing but I did learn that hatred is very self destructive.

thus, as my friend Ann told me today it is my love that draws people to me. She helped me so much, as I cry, to heal and stop something before it got started. I am so lucky to have so many women that care around me . I would have  destroyed so much and for what?

This healing of the soul on hormones is so hard. you really learn who you really are and the people around you are far more important than estradiol.  the kindness of women around me has saved my soul.  others are not so lucky.

thank you everyone that has helped me heal and thank you for protecting me from my worst enemy , me.

rachel