Hi,
Again I have come to a crossroad in my
life. I think all of us can relate to reaching milestones in our life
but putting yourself in public eye comes with more risk as well as
personal growth. I thought I had everything planned out and would
start doing Utube videos last month. The fact is there is a vast
difference between speaking in an audience of the Veteran's
Administration Hopstial or Regional conference. First , the audience
is more narrow than the general public because they serve veterans.
. Also , it is my opinion that each one that
attended had a positive experience which was talked about in the work
place and at home. I knew in the crisis of my life what was at stake
when I spoke at the Regional Conference on the heels of my mother's death.
However, recording and putting videos in the public domain opens up
the doors for far more criticism and much more.(I am concerned because I know how sensitive i am and how easily I cry.)
I thought I had , in my head,
calculated everything from my family seeing the videos to my fellow
employers who know me as Rachel. But, knowing me as Rachel at work
and revealing so much that is personal to me in the public domain
could change my personal and professional life. To me the benefits
out weigh the risks. Well I was wrong again.
Not everything was taken into
consideration. First, I set up the webcam which had been in my
possession for over one month. Not that I am procrastinating or
anything lol. So I am setting up the webcam and I am hoping that
some software glitch will delay my ability to do videos. That did not
work out because everything downloaded and installed smoothly.
Second, I looked at myself in the webcam and I have a self image
issue because of what I think and what I think others will think of
me. This self confidence issue has been in my mind most of my life.
This evidently is not resolved. So I definitely will have to get all
dolled up for the videos. As zilgar would say,” first impressions
are lasting .” we all are in sales whether we sell a service or
product. I am trying to sell that a woman like me can live a
professional life and help others. That has been my goal from day one
and much before I took estrogen. But my healthy self image is an
issue and that is not the major issue to me.
The major issue is not something I had
planned on. The fact that my family , friends from back home will
see me is not a concern. My self image I can work around and once I
start , just like a sales call or a speech, I will be rocking and
rolling and that is simply me. The major problem is when I blog there is not
one time I do not break down crying because of the pain involved with
the healing of my soul. I cry so hard sometimes writing my blog that
I cannot see my words. It is that emotional to me. Now everyone from
the USA to europe , asia , south america and beyond will see me for
the first time. There will be a face and real person behind the
blog. I am trying to make peace with this and it is harder than I
thought it would be to go public on the net with videos.
As I have told my friends I cannot
stop something I started and my willingness and ability to help us is
an obligation to me. But in all honesty I heal 10X as much when I
share my story. I am attempting to upload a video by tomorrow but
more than likely it will be next Monday.I will probably let my close friends take a peek and get feedback then post one on line. I will then put the link in my blog.
My emotions are I am terrified, scared
so much I am crying now. I am not sure how this will impact my
physical and mental health. But if the speeches at the VA are any
indications it will heal me immensely.
Honestly this journey of hormones and
what so many call “transitioning” is not for someone that wants
to give a go at it. Your heart and soul must be into it but the
journey on hormones and it will test you like you never have been tested. It
makes raising my daughter, college and marine corps bootcamp seem
like a vacation. I would highly recommend you have a healthy support
system and friends inside and outside the GLBT community before starting hormones . I am only as strong as
the women around me. I know I have said this many times and I believe
it with all my heart.
Again thank you to all of my friends
who make my journey possible,
god bless
rachel
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