rachel real life challenges and estrogen changes how you think demands your very best

here is an email to a friend,

know what people think and that some , like her, think that I am no more than a freak in a dress. i even asked her is that what you really think that I am a guy in dress? ........that particular event told me so much about her and opened up a wound I know the real answer to. I thought in the moment what if I was dating a woman and she told me... you're not a real woman. how would I react. then I thought what if ........me as no more than a freak in a dress. I realized in a crisis that this was not the case but I also know this is why so many of the transgendered community hide from everyone. I will keep my distance from her but my other friendship with women will remained unchanged.

tonight was a horrible experience which I would not wish upon anyone. I did however think of suicide for a brief moment, going back to don etc. but the strange thing is that to calm myself down I started to caress my knee lightly with the fingernail tips of one hand. this is something that I do when I am in a crisis. this started when I had the 3 panic attacks in one month in may 2012. I just don't want to feel this pain . I only wish she knew how much I wished I was born a woman and every morning I cry and say .... mother why can you put me back up in you and pull out a girl...... every day.

I am not asking for pity from anyone but society's kindness and honesty would be nice . this woman could not even be honest with me even when given the opportunity ....... . then I thought of what you told me long ago. who gets to determine who and what a woman is... surely not her nor anyone. I run when i am hurt to the women I trust.

i just want the pain to end and it never will and I have made peace with this but someone that used to be close to me cut me so deep and this I do not understand. I know my mother would say consider the source. and I know the woman has issues but in the moment this does not ease the pain. but writing about it does and this transference of experience helped heal my soul.

I have a great life but the challenges are unparalleled too.  I am in the best health in 30 plus years and work in a major corporation.  I speak publicly and so much is good but behind the scenes there are half a dozen women guiding me on my journey. thank you and god bless to each of them.

without women, as I have said so many times, there would be no rachel

thank you and god bless

rachel