Hi
The pain in my heart is no better in fact somewhat worse now but I am healing mentally. The pain in my heart has so much to do with my brain and heart doesn’t understand why I have penis and not a vagina. This is tearing at my heart apart . I cry more every day and now I pray to God that he will help guide me through this hell that few talk about. Others may be able to hold all that I know inside but I cannot. In Fact I have no idea how I kept this a secret for so many decades, none.
I was thinking today how did I pretend , especially in the marines, that everything was ok. The answer is I did not pretend very well. I used alcohol, pornography and solicited prostitution in the marines as coping mechanisms for the gender Disorder. Estrogen enables you to remember how things were not how you want them to be . I know answers to everything I ever did in my life. One should not have the power to remember all that I do with such clarity. This alone overwhelms your mind and increases your already heightened anxiety and depression. Yes depression . Why do I say all of this?
This is Rachel’s theory: the increased depression and anxiety stresses the mind so much because you are using so much brain power to keep the secret that you want no one to know one cannot perform to your potential. Think about it ? If you are constantly on guard 24/7 to ensure you don’t slip up and refer to yourself as she , your feelings toward women as a woman, any emotional slip in front of men, and keep all your secrets to yourself don’t you think this not only takes an emotional toll on your mind but takes an enormous amount of your brain potential while trying to live your life in such a competitive world? This as a friend would say is not rock science but it is common sense. It has taken me a long time to put it all together. Another fact is we should not even have to have this conversation but since so few talk I will share my story with as many as possible until the conversation is not needed.
Now to add to all of the issue of holding in so much let’s consider how I coped with this so long. What coping mechanism would I keep a secret so long that I feared I would have the label of mentally ill attached to my name. The answer I had to unravel it by myself and it is something called maladaptive dreaming. It is part of OCD which is so taboo so little is known about it either. Maladaptive dreams are dreams during the day where in that world you have power over people and you are respected. I am sure that others have experienced this state of mind in abused , prisoner of war, and other hostile environments where the human mind becomes overwhelmed and is forced into true fight or flight mode. (the key is identifying this and passive aggressive behavior and modifying it to a more productive and positive behavior because it is in your best interest not because others want you to do it.)
It is my experience that breaking the day dreams and mental health issues of keeping these secrets are the key to , not only moving forward, but helping others heal. I have talked to a some women with the same coping mechanisms who have been abused and the challenge is how to move past this mental health issue. It is very common in people with OCD to identify that we know the mental thought process is not a “normal” thought process. I also have found women are very much more likely to talk to other women about this then men. But in all fairness I have never shared this with men so I really am not sure of their experiences and their coping mechanism to high stress environments such as abuse or combat.
I do know that from my experience on estrogen it has made me confront my deepest demons head on and it is not the pace you want but the pace of estrogen. That is the core problem and can you keep up pace of the drug and how it recovers memories you had repressed for up to 40 years? Can you live with feelings from 30 years ago in a competitive work place? For example I took a call from a woman named Jennifer on the phone last week and it evoked , in the moment, exactly how I felt about a girl in high school named Jennifer. The feeling was so real it was like I was 17 again but I was on the phone and needed to focus on work. I truly understand why so many turn back on estrogen because of what some call the “ mood swings.” it is not the moods swings but that memories of the past and the ability to grow in the moment or be crushed and have a mental break down. Some days I am close to a mental break down but I have found that that if I can work through the challenge the estrogen seems to become more effective and I heal in the moment. This is far more easier said than done.
How do I know the drug is more effective after I overcome the challenge? My breast start to hurt so bad the pain doubles me over and I become so light headed I feel like I am going to pass out but I don’t . It is my theory again that by healing in the moment I have created more neural connections in the brain which accelerates the effectiveness of estrogen. Am I right? every time I have doubted my intuition on estrogen I have been wrong. All the research of the scientist and doctors validates my feelings on estrogen. Everything from the wine that 2-3x the estrogen levels , workout which increase the estrogen via dopamine, the public speaking which compels me to resolve issues at a exponential pace, to working in a call center which is about as high stress as one can get given the fact you talk to 20 or so customers per day plus you interact with dozens of people in the work place. This really , in my opinion, has increased the effectiveness of estrogen. It is also my opinion that estrogen effectiveness can only be measured by the environment , the drug and your own DNA. In the right hands it will challenge you and in the wrong hands and the wrong environment I can see where it can kill you . The possibility of death I speak of could come in the form of nature death , suicide or one of the coping mechanism that you fall back onto because of the increased stress of estrogen.
Again I have come full circle to the fact that my support group of women are the best and in my darkest hours when I was ready to give in or even think of suicide they not only caught but got me back on track in my personal and professional life. I am speaking about what happened about 3 weeks ago when I was ready to quit and check myself into a hospital because the stress had become too great on estrogen . But a core of 4 women ensured and were able to help me . Why?
I have opened my heart to them and them to me. We have unequalled trust in each other and I know in my heart that they will do what is in my best interest. None enable me but what they do is enable me to grow and heal my heart and soul. What tears at my heart is I cannot thank them publicly for all their help and guidance. Without each one of them I would be dead or would have attempted suicide but because of the relationship we have developed with each other suicide attempts in my case are very unlikely. It is also the environment of Portland that has helped me too. So between the va, Xerox and the city of Portland I have lived a blessed life after many years of so much pain. But the core issue is resolving all secrets I have kept over the years and healing and believing it is safe to be me. I don’t always think it is safe but you have to remember from my prospective it was not safe for nearly 50 yrs so I still go back to my bad habits when stressful situations happen.
I know when stress is has reached a threshold but there is little I can do in the moment . But in a safe environment I can identify it in the moment but I am working on resolving it in the moment. How do I know it has reached the threshold of crisis. I will switch back to watching football, overeating, and use my right hand vs. my left hand. I also need constant validation by all the women in my inner circle because I think my world will fall apart like it has for so many years. I also am working on the issue of maladaptive dreams, anxiety , depression and I believe with every fiber of my soul I will win. I am fighting for my life and I am prepared to do whatever I have to so I not only survive but help others. This is another factor which changes my experience on hormones. Helping others and being validated via my blog from so many countries has had an enormous positive effect that few have had the privilege of experiencing while on hormones.
All of this is an accident? I think not God touched me and sent 4 angels to help me overcome a disease that there is little known about because so many will not talk. I have heard for so many in my travels that “ Rachel you need to talk .” I ask them why don’t you talk ? The impression I get from our conversations is that I have the strength that few have to go public the way I have over the last 2 yrs but who really has the support that I have had over the last 2 yrs. The answer to so much of this is god and my willingness to open my heart to others in society with no strings attached and risk was so much. The risk was proportional to the what I have gained and that is friends from all walks of life .
I look at other women and wonder if I would trade your body for mine to have a vagina. ( I ask myself the tough questions) . The answer is no I would not trade my body for yours because I love myself and God will help guide me with other women to support me . But let there be no doubt almost every day I want to quit and ask god why did you do this to me? Mother why did you pull out a baby girl ? It crushes my heart that so bad and the challenge is that my hormones are raging like a teenager but I cannot have sex because I have the wrong sex organ.
Let me be very direct….. I want to satisfy a woman as a woman but she cannot satisfy me because I have this damn disease ….. Surgery seems a lifetime away because of money. I have all the resources in place, my support group, my work at Xerox , the va medical team but I don’t have 15k . That is all that separates me and surgery . At least that is what I think at times but I know that I need to mental heal some more before the physical. Surgery. The fact is there are two surgeries with GID. One is the mental surgery which is probably harder than the physical one. But the fact probably is if you don’t mentally heal before the physical surgery it could crush your mental well being. May be this is why no one talks about the mental health aspect of GID. I don’t know but I am driven to change the perception of women like me and I will do it from a position of class and character.
The pain I have endured and will endure is overwhelming at times but I have the respect of so many because I speak the truth on such a taboo topic. I will post another video next week. I am mentally and physically exhausted after this week .
I will be positing a link for people that would like to donate monies for my surgery. This is something I did not want to do because I am a very proud woman and I come from a family where we do things on our own. But this disease is not something , not only me, but anyone can overcome without help. Any monies I receive beyond what I need will be donated to others for a fund that will be established in honor of the women who have helped me . This has never been about me but about helping others and in the process I have started to heal my soul.
Thank you so much for allowing me to share
Rachel
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