i have no idea how I am suppose to feel at this point. i also talked to another female at work and she was very interested in women like me but noticed in blogs the longer they were into hormone therapy the shorter and shorter the blog was online. I said I know and I have promised many that I will not go stealth like almost everyone else. people will talk about this taboo topic if the trans subculture would be open to open conversations.the key difference with me is apparently you don't have to step on egg shells when we talk and you will not offend me . this is the primary concern I have run into in my two plus years on hormones. people are afraid to ask because they are concerned of how I will respond to questions. how sad is this we cannot have open conversations because so few are like me and give people space to speak openly and in return others give me the space to speak opening. opps solved another part of the puzzle.
i am in more pain than ever so I am compelled to push forward and go back. i cannot go back thus on sunday I will do another video and setup a site for fund raising for my surgery. in my mind work is my backup plan and my plan A is for me to take control of the project .... i am not sure I can do what others have failed to do. but I can tell you when it is all done no one can say i quit.. i am crying now because .... it is taking every ounce of my energy to push forward. i truly understand why others quit and or try suicide. you have to face your own reality .... ie yesterday this is really what estrogen is like... my umbrella accidentally hit my face and I had a very vivid vision of my father slapping me in the back of the head which was followed by , something I had not remembered in years, my mom continuing hitting my face as I used my hands to protect my face. she would say do you understand mister . sad part is in the 70's this was considered fair punishment and today we call it abuse which it is . (the estrogen widens and lengthens the denrites in the brain which in my opinion increases your ability to remember the past in a vivid way which overwhelms the mind)
then last week i remember how I cut my penis and what the knife looked like and the table in our home . the whole thing is that the visions are so vivid and so colorful it is like you are there. now through the grace of god that although I have the brutal memories of the past hit me minute after minute each day I push through each day little by little. but not to say it is all bad ... ie the exact feelings of how I like girls in high school makes me blush in the middle of the day. the core issue is that I have the stomach and heart to push through each day and heal some . but it seems like for every step forward i need another new coping mechanism to heal. so as I am challenged more and more and I have to develop skill sets to resolve the issue in the moment. this is a high stress environment .
the difference with me is I am willing to open my heart to all I can to resolve the issue. this in turn , in my opinion creates more and more neural connections in my brain which increases the effectiveness of estrogen. so my experience is very different than anyone else . I am sure there is another rachel out there but she is hiding. I am trying to find a way to heal and draw her out. I hope this in turn will draw out others and the public will see there are many of us who want simply to live our lives like everyone else and not anything like the videos I watched on youtube yesterday. we are women of class, character and simply want to be respected.
thank you for allowing me to share,
rachel
ps my prospective of sharing my story is also very different than others in the subculture .
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