why i cry ...... my frustration on hormones and willness to take on the demons

private email to a few other friends... edited to protect the privacy of my friends......

i have been so blessed to have you......... my life. i appreciate your prayers for god to help me find the perfect woman. I think so many of us have ptsd and to acknowledge it is  a huge thing. it was a huge step to put myself out there for dating. I took today off work because of stress and that event.(see previous blog) i have found out that the smallest thing can put me in a tail spin mentally. i know this in the moment but cannot change how I think. i switched back to right handed last night and despite my best efforts I could not use my left hand. I think once I can learn to cope with the issue in the moment I will be ready for surgery and the next step in my life.

The biggest issue now is coping with the high hormones and sex drive of a teenager who cannot do anything. that issue alone can explain the frustration of so many on hormones. to want ot be with a woman and know ..... i think consciously I knew all of this for decades but now I have to confront my deepest fear yet it is a joy too. the secret of all of this to admit you have ...... issues and find a way to resolve each issue little by little. as I told ...... who in the community, other then me, would stand up in a group setting and admit I am.....and need help. this is why I have began to heal. when I bring a woman into the mix this will increase the emotions but it will heal me too.

I have found that more intense the challenge more effective estrogen becomes and more I heal but it nearly breaks me at times.i bend but don't break. this brings many tears and the pain is deep at times , very deep.

i have looked for a woman who would love me as me for decades. I told my ..... about the woman in me and she said that was great but when she realized it was real ... she said " i don't want you doing that anymore." that broke my heart. I know why I have not had a relationship with a woman for decades and it is because I want it all or none. i want to be with a woman as woman emotionally and sexually. I cannot have this without surgery. it literally is ripping my heart apart piece by piece. I would , as i cry, never wish this hell on anyone.

this is why I question why would god put all of this on me ?
 I know you may not completely understand this ......... has helped me heal ... in ways others will not know ... but god knows.

thank you

rachel