Hi,
I went into a dark space today and I knew it in the moment yet I could do nothing to stop it. Nothing. I was powerless to stop the emotions and thoughts that followed late today.
I had drank more red wine then I usual today and I could feel my emotions and thoughts of the past and present all day long today. (red wine in studies has shown to 2x-3x a woman’s estrogen level) I was crying earlier today because of the pain of my childhood and the question that cannot escape me is why ?
I will tell you both that I asked myself why would god do this to me? What did I ever do to deserve to be put through so much shit and pain that few human beings survive. When I say survive I mean specifically live through the mental health struggles, the surgery and talk to others about the deep pain. It is no wonder people in my day to day life are in awe of me and listen to my story and that is because so few, if any , are willing to put their mental health on the proverbial chop block. It is a considerable risk but I see no way around the core issue of a mental healing of the heart and soul.
Back to what happened today now. I thought I had my emotions in check to a point and by to a point that would mean the usual emotional pain and thoughts I have every day of my life since I started estrogen. I was wrong again. I have been more wrong than right on estrogen. My core belief is that the world that I knew for 50 years does not exist and never will exist again. That change is so constant on hormones that the variables change from day to day. I am able to survive , and that all you can do at times, by acknowledging the fact that everything up to including suicide is a possibility. To think anything else you are only kidding your self as my mother would say to me many times as a child.
My anxiety is so intense and hypersensitive that one event can put me in a tail spin that put my emotions so out of control the event controls my behavior much like, no exactly , a conditioned response. Because that is exactly what is a conditioned response over the years but now in the safe environment I can think and acknowledge in the moment what is happening but I cannot alter the behavior or conditioned response yet. I am working so hard, as I cry, to change this conditioned response but I really , really don’t know how . No doctor can help me , as I cry more because of the realization of the situation is so serious, because so few if any ever tell the doctor what is really happening in one’s mind while on estrogen. This process and the mentally healing physically and emotionally drains me until times, like now, I have nothing more to give in my heart and soul . Nothing.
Today I went to the store , with my emotions raging and thinking I had it under control when I did not , and I shopped for about one hour and headed to the check out stand to pay for my food. All I had brought to the store was a credit care. When I checked out the woman said we do not take credit cards only debit cars. I was so exhausted mentally that was the break point of my emotions. I calmly left the store thinking I had everything under control. Wow I was so wrong.
I had just walked out of the store and I started to cry and cry and it was so uncontrollable. I sat down away from everyone near the bus stop and was almost curled up in a ball with my head down crying and crying . I knew what was going on but I could not control my emotions. I am still crying because of how much it affected me today. I asked god to take me ? I said to myself I cannot take this anymore. I begged god to take me via stroke , heart attack whatever… please don’t make me suffer any more. The problem is every day it is getting more and more intense. I have no idea if I can survive the journey ? No one does and anyone that says this is in denial or lying to you or themselves.
Case and point no matter what we are human beings very much alike and study after study has shown that estrogen elongates and widens the denrites in the brain. To me the studies just reinforce my experiences on hormones . I need to see in things in black and white and that is what the studies do for me. Plus I have talked to enough in the trans community and privately all , if they will talk to me without running away, tell me their experiences are very similar to mine. For example one woman told me on hormones she had never thought of having babies but after taking estrogen she really wished there was a way that she could have children. I have had the same thoughts and feelings. The similarities do not stop there .
So back to the my story about today. I get off the bus in front of walmart and I catch my panty hoses on something and I nearly trip out of the bus. Again I asked god why don’t you just take me this is not worth it. Why me ? What did I deserve or do to be born in a male body but female brain wtf. How much more can I take without mentally cracking or attempting suicide? The real answer is no one knows. One of my greatest fears is one day I might wake up and due to the stress I would not know who I am because it is the intense day after day with no letting up. There is no relief and , it is my prospective, there perhaps will never be any relief because my world as I knew it will never exist again. Even if I stop estrogen now I don’t think it would reverse much and there is the distinct possibility that that could kill me. The dirty secret is that estrogen can kill you going in it, while your on it and if you come off of it. It literally is a one way ticket.
Then there is my perception that if I lived physically coming off estrogen I would be dead emotionally because I know what is on the other side of the fence. So , to me, physically or emotionally it is a one way ticket and it will either cure me or kill me. This is my inner most feelings and thoughts about estrogen.
I am sorry but I keep digressing but let me get back to the story. I finally gather all my groceries at walmart and pay for my food but after all the emotionally trauma I am exhausted. I just sit on the bus and try to relax but with estrogen there is not such thing of stopping because it is constantly rewiring my brain which brings up thoughts of the past and present . But what makes it particularly challenging is you see things how they are not how you want them to be. For years I lived in a dream world of how I wanted things to be and now my world is so much different.
The events today pushed me so far I almost went to where so many others go and that is thoughts of prostitution. I went back into my cyber and pornography world , which I had not done in months prior to today, I just did not care. I had cyber sex and I did not care about anything and said god does not care about me so ….. Who cares?
Well other women do care about me but for a short while today I thought about going back to the adult stores and doing things I have not done in 3 years. I have started to overeat to compensate for my pain . Food is my drug of choice and this is why I have gained back 50 lbs over the last year. I know I cannot have surgery unless I lose at least 20 but my emotions are so out of control I cannot resist the urges to overeat and why?
(God helped me back today and the relationships of the spiritual women through their love and caring helped guide me back from more self destructive acts. )
I unlocked another piece of the puzzle . What is so sad is I have to unlock this puzzle piece by piece because no one seems willing to share with others of what estrogen really does in the public forum. A big part of the puzzle is not what the “experts’’ think nor many in the community. I did not go into a deep depressive state of mind because of the mood swings but because of the lack of hope. The mood swings do not help but the lack of hope is a critical issues on hormones.
What I mean by this is that many people will say let’s hang out Rachel. For whatever reason it never happens. I have one friend who I hang out with on a regular basis but that is not often . I have found out that unlike back east, eastern usa, where I would likely not be able to find work in Portland I am about as politically correct as the president. But once others have found out that I am a bit of a conservative and they cannot use me they have no time for me. Then I wonder if there is a reason why the people that say they wanna spend time with me and … what if it like my daughter implied years ago….. What others would think of them and their association with a woman like me ? What I mean is do others have to remove the stereotype of a woman like me? And the risk is too much to take on with their family or friends? Questions come to me especially in a deep depression like today. Of all times I ask myself the tough questions and that is probably the reason I have never attempted suicide. Ziglar would say those that know what and how will always work for those who know why? ( my life is anything but an accident… a code phrase with a friend of mine for saying it is god.)
I have found that going to the ballet , concerts, French restaurants , etc my gender is never an issue that I know of consciously. However it may be an asset more than anything in Portland not because I am politically correct but so many times I hear people tell me “ Rachel I never met anyone like you.” I take that to mean you mean no one like me that would sit down and talk to you without the conversation dwelling on gender. My belief is “ my gender is not the totality of who I am nor who I ever will be in my life.”
How deep does the pain go some days … ok you really want the reality of the situation? If upon my natural death if I could not have surgery last week I thought about asking a friend to have someone remove this thing between my legs so I could leave this world a woman not a woman with a penis. The pain is that fucken deep. Who would wish this upon any human being?
The secrets held by a subculture and society have put more stress upon me than was necessary. Although this pain cuts me to my knees where I barely can pull myself off the apartment floor , out of my cubicle at work or , like today, off the side walk I cannot loathe nor hate a gender nor society because of what others have done. I do not have the capacity to hate and I do not desire to know how other’s hate other women because they have a vagina and I don’t. I do know in my darkest hours women and god have watched over me for decades but I never dreamed the nightmare I am in right now would be so bad and challenging that at times I think of suicide.
I dream of the time when the conversations I have are no longer necessary and we all treat each other with respect, love and kindness. When I took my first estrogen pill I just wanted to live my life and one as a woman with a woman that love me for me , nothing more nothing less. I had no idea what I was getting myself into because no one talks.
As a doctor told me not so long ago, “ Rachel they will not talk to you nor us.” this has been my experience also within the transgender community that no one talks and this is probably because of the mental health issues of anxiety and depression. Believe me when I say this disease scares me but is manageable more so …. You would be shocked…. I think I can beat this disease but my arthritis the disease that would kill my heart if it comes back.
I am fighting two deadly diseases rheumatoid arthritis and gender identify disorder. If I could ask anyone for one thing is to please pray I make it and can talk about it so others do not have to suffer like I have in the past.
Thank you for allowing me to share my story again,
Rachel
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