very private email to friends , how it really is on hormones ..... marines

this is a very private email to 2 friends with some info on me edited out and a friend's name

the power of estrogen scares me at so many levels because of how clear my past is and how it all figured in to making me who I am today. my parents from an early age knew I was different and both of them try to literally.....the woman out of me . one parent used another as an instrument to change how I think and feel.  ( i would yield but only temporarily... i will try to push the woman  out of my mind... but i failed too).......

then on the max today  , the train in portland, i talked to a woman and I started to talk about the marines. she told if not for the marines her son would not be be alive today. she said in Afghanistan her son's army unit was lost and under fire and the marines made their way to the son's unit. she told me he would have been killed but the marines had their act together and rescued her son and his unit.


Then later I returned home and I had joined a social dating site called zoosk. A woman had messaged me and I thought that was a good thing. Then I received a message and she said i did not know you were transsexual . omg on the profile of this site I state my gender in the opening page and a link to my blog. i have never nor ever will hide. but when I received a note that she would not date me because a previous relationship with a transsexual woman did not work out and it was not a good fit. I was devastated and cried. i know what others think of me ... i am just man in a dress....almost but not a woman..... i am not stupid .... the problem like ......would tell you is i can step back and see things for what they are and this is a true curse at times. i want to crawl up in a ball and never leave my apartment. this hurt me so bad.

i have known almost since I took the first estrogen pill i am hypersensitive to my environment. but i am learning that this was me all along but the reduced anxiety in my life has enabled me to acknowledge all of this and much more in the moment. I will call ...... tomorrow and talk to her about the message from the website . and earlier today I told ....... i am scared because dating will increase me to a new level of emotions. i told her this is because I don't know what is like to be with a woman as a woman and I have never been in a functional relationship in my life. all this is overwhelming and I will be lucky to survive this journey. ...... said I have your back.

...... is trying to get me to talk about the surgery and I am avoiding it like the plague. i know why I am not saving money for surgery and that is because i am scared to death of where I am headed and i dont want to die .... i am scared but I cannot live like this much longer... the pain is so unbearable most of the time.... i cry in my cubicle at work ..... there seems like there is no way to control or manage this disease at this point..... but I cannot put it back in the bag.

i heard one girl state she detransitioned but in my opinion once you let this cat out of the bag there is no true way to put it back in the bag. the truth is you know what is on the other side of the fence and ...... the challenges and violence that could come your way is real not some typed document on line or 2nd hand knowledge it is your life and the minute you leave your apartment you put your life in danger but , as ziglar would say, it is far more dangerous to stay in your apartment.

( but my issue is there is no way to figure how much increased danger I am in because of trans and gender. i have a feeling that so little is trans but more gender. this is something that is not unique to trans but to all women and traveling the mass transit system increases any woman's risk of danger.) it is my opinion that if I was raped it would be a hate crime but if a woman born as woman would be raped it would just be a crime . to me me rape is rape and my life is no more valuable than any other woman and rape should be a hate crime either way. i think asking myself the tough questions is important in my healing process.

thank you

rachel