Hi ,
There are times that I debate with myself what to blog about and what to share but today it was quite clear what I need to talk about this evening. I have held the driving force of my experience on estrogen to myself but now I will share that with you now. It is not what many of you would think but is could be the key reason I have such a different prospective than other on estrogen,
This goes back to when I was very young and the Vietnam War was raging in the mid 1960’s . Every night my family, like so many others would watch the evening news, and on CBS I can remember the number that was put on the screen of the Television of the how many had been killed in Vietnam. At the time I had no idea of the impact on me at a conscious level. I was between 5-10 years old. I also had written to a solder in in the army while serving in vietnam.
So every night my family and I would see the fighting that was happening in Vietnam and even in 4th grade we talked about it at school as part of a project. I remember this boy brought in a map of Vietnam and as a class we talked about the war. This war was different because reporters would report from the front lines. It was so surreal. (with estrogen my memory of the past becomes more clear by the day or minute at times)
What does t Vietnam have to do with estrogen and my life? Well we , America, left thousands of men in Vietnam never to be seen again. As my grandfather would say many times , “ how many of them were Congressman son’s? probably none. My point is we did nothing.
Then fast forward to 1979 when the hostages were taken in Iran. This was more personal to me than Vietnam because I was on a US Navy ship as a US Marine just off the coast of Iran . Due to the failure of one rescue mission to take the hostages out of Iran President Carter was reluctant to attempt another rescue . although we trained for months on such a mission it was not to be . I don’t know one Marine who was not ready to do their duty and fight to get the hostages back. But once again we did nothing.
Then in 1983 the Marines were bombed in Beirut, Lebanon. ( this was during my 2nd tour in the marines and I never deployed overseas.) I remember weeks preceding this a US Marine Lt. Colonel warned that the marines were not trained to sit in one position and keeping us there was a mistake. Our country was out raged but what did we do? Again we did nothing.
You see my journey on estrogen is not a physical one but something that has awoken my spiritual and moral principals. I knew this young kid who promised herself that she would do something when the opportunity presented itself. On her grandmother’s swing she said to herself I will swing in this swing when I am old and know I did all that I can in her life. That girl is me.
So when the opportunity to speak at the Regional VA conference was put in front of me , in my eyes, there was not choice because to not speak would cut at my heart and say I did nothing. I know for every one of me there is another woman that does not get as far as I am in my life and I don’t mean transgendered.
What pains me is I sat on the side lines for year and years as I saw the shit women took from society and I did nothing . I think this had an additional negative effect on my mental health coupled with my gender issue. I have watched long enough and now I feel morally compelled to do my part and , with the help of other women, will do in my part to push the voice of all women.
So many think the discrimination I face is a transgendered issue, not. 90 percent of the discrimination is gender and I not so quiet at times. I remember some time last year a few men were talking about women and demeaning us sexual. Well I waited and waited then I hit back with this statement: you know I don’t do woman … women do me.” one male said , “ oh Rachel that is TMI (too much information) I said oh but it ok to do and say what you are doing? There was no response from the men. I thought , as my mother would say, “ that is what I thought.” what I have come to learn and ponder is How did I keep this woman inside for so long? The answer is the price of holding her inside came at a price I hope others will not have pay by speaking out now.
The key to my strength and courage is because of all the strong women I have met in my life. But over the last 2 plus years there are three women that are my friends, mentor’s , allies and really the complexity of our relationships blurs the lines of what defines friend. In my darkest hours when I think I am about to mentally crack one the three women holds me up, makes sure I am safe and helps me through the day. Not one enablea me but what they are able to do is get me to think and gently guide and push me in the right direction that is in my best interest.
Two of the women are my spiritual advisors at times and one recently told me, in reference to the media, “Rachel you may be asked to do things you don’t want to do.” While another would tell me you are in my thoughts often and yet the other is very firm and fair and tells me you better listen to your therapist and relax.
All of the women in my life know that I am going through puberty again and they know from their experiences how difficult that can be. Women do understand and to me they are the experts since they have been on hormones for 20, 30 40 plus years. I know this belief may not be one that is popular in the trans community but it is my firmly held belief. Yes I do ask them tough question and they ask me the questions I need answers to and this happens very often in our conversations. We don’t crack the egg shells we break them and often too. I am glad they are strong women .
God bless each one these women because they have showed me that the anger I once held in my heart was all in my head because of my misconceptions of how society does not care. They care and so many do care if the you give them the chance and open your heart of to others. This was apparent for many months but what was not was what they see is the love in my heart and otherwise god.
My journey is so much different because of the marines , my life experiences and especially the women in my life. Why? I have told all but one that given a choice of surgery or donating an organ to one of them I would always opt , if I was a match to them, to save their lives. (surgery would be sexual reassignment surgery) that’s right. If the doctor would say Rachel you have a choice to save one of their lives or have surgery next week I would save their life . There is no choice in my mind. Their love and kindness has changed me as a person and guided me through a hell I hope few ever have to experience.
Then this past week I realized that I have come so far when I met a homeless woman. I met her on the train in Portland and we talked about both the homeless community which is a world I know very little about and the trans community. She shared her story with me and I was so touched by her that when I got off the train I was in tears which were rolling down my face. This woman has nothing and asked for nothing. I then also realized that if she needed an organ to live I would do the same for her and this selfishness in me did not exist not so long ago. I am sure it did but it was just under the surface.
I live a good life in Portland now but this disease is acerbating by the second at times. I cannot and will not slow it down. I would rather die as a woman then go back to a life of deep depression and hiding from society. I am tested every week on my commitment of womanhood and hormones and there is not a morning that does not go by that I ask god why ? And ask my mother to fix something that she could have never fixed. The pain is deep and the crying is more intense each day but make no doubt I know that all of this means I am alive for the first time in my life .
Thank you for allowing me to share my story,
rachel
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