your last email make me cry, "....i am thankful for our friendship." I know the world you come from and I am moving towards is not a world that I came from in my past. you, and few others are the first one where the friendship is mutual and we all value the friendship and opening say how we feel. i knew from an early age that I did not come from a loving family and that is sad but it was a blessing I knew in a crisis what I wanted out of life and I sought to find it for decades.
here is a personal piece of the puzzle that happened recently. when I was a kid I was not very strong , wonder why? duh for example so when I need to open things and I did not have the strength to open jars I would use my mouth. this disappeared over the decades but recently came back and when I learned of it in the moment it made me cry because i knew why. I would tighten jars etc so tight because of the environment which dictated everything and being told how, what and never why to do everything in my life. welcome to the real world of estrogen where all of your hidden secrets come to life and hit you so hard that it drops you to your knees and makes you confront all of your demons. you can run but you cannot hide.
(so the marines was a good match to an abused woman and how sad. on estrogen all of your life answers are told to you ... good and bad. i remember i played my father chess and he won almost all the games but on several occasions I won and it was worth it and challenged me too. but then I found a way to not win a game but played for a draw. I have this way of finding ways to win when others give up I am just getting started. my drive to succeed I was born with but when I was in sales I adopted so many principles of zig ziglar.)
but fast forward to last week and now that I have identified the issue of why I tightened the jars so tight and I have resolved the issue and moved forward. the secret i have that few would believe is I know why I am moving so quickly towards healing? women with the influence and power in society came to my rescue ......you helped me understand it was safe to reveal the real me and I was given the chance to allow myself to become very vulnerable. I did not establish a support system but friends that care about people and the ....... put it best..... we take care of our own. I never had this in the past and this is probably is the fundamental reason why i am so strong and like i have said before I am only as strong as the women around me.
i also make peace with god. years ago in church a monseigneur kirpatrick said in a speech " you either get closer to god or farther away." that statement has always been with me all of my life but just under the surface. before estrogen and before i had spiritual friends in my life I had the maladaptive dreams and everything seemed to go back to the church. i did not know why but i think I do now and with my new life I do not have any more maladaptive dreams revolving around the church. i think this has taught me if i can resolve my spirituality and move forward it is very possible if i can resolve the mental illness with my gender which will help me truly heal.
I am so different than my peers in the community because it is a spiritual healing from within and others see it as a physical one. as you would say there are no accidents. i read an article about enstein and he said there is no god . he is wrong and I might be living proof that
with god's helps I can heal where others fail.( one cannot put everything into nice neat scientific box for exampe we humans see things in a defined way and the universe is unending.... i acknowledged this in a 7th grade science class...thank you mr. hazelton....mmmm accident? )
lastly I would like to thank so many from all of the world viewing my blog. knowing so many are viewing , let's call our blog, has helped me heal. i say our blog because I see this as a group project and this helps keep the demon of my gender just far enough away that I might survive and live to tell the story to help so many others. i never envisioned so many would look at the blog from as far away as eastern europe , western europe , usa and everywhere else.
thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me heal ,
rachel
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