Hi,
I have been putting off talking about the serious topic of how my urges to masturbate have diminished ? Or have they?
That was a leading statement because I have read so much documentation that estrogen can reduce or increase the sex drive. In all honesty I am beginning to doubt so many of the papers written on the topics of estrogen and the transgender person. I wish people would have said “ you are an experiment and hormones may kill you, heal you or …. Here is a thought…. We don’t know what it will do to you.”
What we have is a study here and study there and almost an entire subculture isolating to the point that it has compounded the risk of taking estrogen at any age. Let me clearly point my finger at the transgender community and the lies, half truths and total silence has contributed to the suicides and death toll on this side of the fence. Please those in the community step forward and help the community by talking as my mother would say, “open your mouth Donald.” The problem as she would tell you is that once I open my mouth it never shuts up. (as a sales manager at Kirby once told me for every finger you point you have two pointed at you)
Now that I have said the easy stuff let me open my mouth and tell you about my thoughts on masturbation and why almost I never do it anymore. ( not easy but a necessary conversation) I woke up for years and years with an erection like most males most of the time. However I hid a demon no one in my family knew about or dare ask me about and that is my gender. So fast forward to 2012 when I started taking estrogen and , from my prospective , the lies stopped almost immediately. Why? I have no idea to be honest.
By month two I was crying on my bed uncontrollably because that thing , a penis , did not belong between my legs. I had lived a lie upon lie and tried to deny who I was for nearly ½ century. What it gained me was nearly at one point 347 lbs while averaging 300 plus in any given year. I had lost my identity and my soul with it until 2012 when I started hormone treatment.
So every morning , unless I am stressing about something overwhelming which is rare, I wake up crying and why. My hormones are raging in the morning and I put my hand between my legs to masturbate and close my legs to stop my fingers because I realize I don’t have a vagina. My brain thinks one is there but consciously I have to stop myself because I know one does not exist yet. The mental anguish is beyond anything I have every read or dreamed of in my life. Hormones is the drug that gives me life and is the kiss of death all in one dose.
I can caress my body like any other woman in the shower or bed then become aroused but then I have the urge to play with myself and …. I cannot. I also think there is a distinct reason that I enjoyed learning how to make a woman organism with my fingers. I think subconsciously I was learning how I would pleasure myself when I have a vagina. Now I even mentally imagine using my index and middle finger to pleasure my vagina that does not exist. Make no doubt I have not lost my mind and I do know that I have no vagina but as the hormones rewire my brain more and more every day the urge to pleasure myself becomes more intense .(what makes this so surreal is the hand dominance which has changed to left handed since taking estrogen)
How do I cope. I cry and cry often in the bed, shower, train, bus, public or at work in my cubicle. It is a hell no human being can imagine unless you are in my shoes. But I cannot imagine what it is like to have cancer and have no possibility of surgery. I do think that talking about it relieves some of the , enough, pain to live through the next day and heal a little more. I also use food as a coping mechanism which is destroying me. I think at this time if I was honest with myself ziglar would say I am fearful of success of by overeating I am ensuring I cannot have surgery. I think it is a reasonable possibility because of everything I fear. now there is nothing I fear than confronting the day of surgery and what it feels like because again no one is talking about the real experience of sexual reassignment surgery.
I am fucken scared and not that I might die that I have made peace with but what makes me so scared is the unknown. We all have heard doctors and others talk about surgeries and what they experienced but with sexual reassignment what does anyone know? Question? Considering that fact that Thailand alone has done 10k surgeries why is no one opening talking about their experience. In this country women have the surgery and post on the doctor’s webpage with their initials but no testimonials with picture or videos. I think it is because so many want to forget the past . I want to embrace my past to heal and I know that is the most important ingredient of healing myself.
I have heard from several that have had surgery and one said, “ it is not that bad.” excuse me ? They rewire your entire sex organ and pack it in ice for an entire day and you cannot travel for up to three weeks. It is not that bad? Another said , “ it was free.” yet another I met in person taught me that being mentally sane is more important that the surgery. The woman I met had issues well beyond gender so much so I could only talk to her for 20 minutes.
A good friend of mine told me long ago that the beginning of mental illness is seeing only one prospective and the prospective that this is just another surgery and all will be ok once I have the surgery is irrational. She also told me that I am the voice of reason and it is rational to be scared and if I was not scared there would be a cause for concern. What concerns me more than anything is what to expect after the surgery should I have little or no complications from the physical surgery. What are the mental health implications beyond surgery?
My prospective is that I was in shock once I saw my hair fall off my back in less than six months. One day I looked and it was just gone. Then I saw the changes in my face and complex of my skin and I literally cried because the changes happened so fast. Now imagine if that scares me how would my mind be able to handle a different sex organ between my legs after 50 yrs. This is not a small change in life but one that could mentally break me? I don’t know because no one talks about the tough topic of mental health in the transgender community.
Who do I draw my information from ? Women. Women talk about hormones opening and honestly. They laugh with me and say I know you understand about mood swings etc Rachel. The issue with me is not the mood swings but the mood swings combined with memories of the past, what could have been, how to piece the puzzle together in a complex high stress world. All of this is a recipe for disaster and hormones could not only kill you but you could end the pain via suicide.
How often do I think of suicide? It depends on any given stressful situation . Often it happens when I am seriously stressed at work or my personal life in adapting to my new environment as a woman. Add sexual harassment by men and all the discrimination other women experience and I promise you one day in my shoes any man would be begging for mercy on his knees.
As I have said before I did not pick it , it picked me. I wish every morning I was just another woman with vagina since birth but I am not and I cannot change that as hard as I or want to at times. There is no escape of this disease and the best , not perfect , solution is sexual reassignment surgery.
I want and need to know what it is like to feel like a woman sexually. I am truly am trapped in between two world’s and I could not fight this disease by myself. Many would tell you that I am very independent and in the past I prefer to do things on my own and I will not need your help. But with this disease if I had not had help I , in my heart , know I would be dead or would have tried suicide multiple times.
Finally, in all honesty there are no words to describe what it is like not to be able to pleasure yourself when your hormones are raging like a teenager. It is a hell beyond anything I ever imagined in my life . I pray to god that I am able to pull things together and lose the weight necessary, raise the monies for surgery , continue hormone treatment while living a good life in a stressful world. I need help and the women in my life are more important that ever before . I truly believe it is possible that the mental challenges beyond surgery are greater than they are now?
When I think of surgery when I am in the bathroom at work and think of a surgeon slicing my penis on one side to make a vagina … it scares me …. Make me cry .. Tears of joy but mostly scared.
Thank you for allowing me to share part of my life with you
God bless
rachel
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