Hi,
This past week was exhaustive and almost never ending. The price of isolation over the years is becoming very apparent along with the self destructive behavior. I know many in the community isolate out of the heart felt need to protect themselves. In all honesty I truly understand why so many , not only , never dare go public with their stories but hide in their apartments and homes from family and friends. It is because undoing the mental health issue surrounding keeping your gender secret for decades comes at a big , big price. You have to be willing to unearth the devil and all your demons and allow yourself to become so vulnerable to your friends , work and the public.
None of this is an easy task. The smallest huddle in the day to day struggles of life can push you back into isolation and the conditioned responses you use to survive over the decades. My nemesis is food and pushing people away and I am very, very good at both. But in the past I never let but one woman at a time close to me and I am not talking about lovers but simply caring and loving friends. However over the last two years I have become friends with at least 5 women who know so much about my life. I risked so much because I really want to heal and I am tired of crying myself to sleep. The pain is more mental than physical. I realize that the mental damage done to me by the culture of society and my family has had a very negative impact on my ability to interact in society. This would include both work and my personal life.
Last week I dig in and tried to push a friend away and did the very thing I say so many in the community should not do and that is isolated from her.( I probably was thinking if I can push her away then I can push everyone way at least subconsciously) I had thought she had done something that she did not even know about. My perception of the entire situation was so distorted because of my inability to interact without the stress of my gender pressing my mental capabilities to problem solve any issue. So I fell back on my conditioned response and my self defensive and self destructive behaviors. I did this by concluding something about this woman based on no evidence. I has pushed her to the other side of the fence with so many in society and I did not even know in the moment what I had done.
I ran into her at work and she said Rachel why didn’t you come talk to me? The answer is I never gave her a chance to talk and it turns out I was the one that was in the wrong. This woman has been nothing but kind and caring to me and gives me the most precious gift I could ask for , her time. However in the process I had reached out to another girlfriend and told her of my intentions and what I thought of this woman. Well in my small inner circle there are smart, intelligent and ethical women that do not ever enable me. Then This other girlfriend sends me an email telling me how god was working with me and many other things. Below is the quote from the bible she sent me which I will be forever eternally grateful. Both women could not be wrong but I was in the wrong in my actions and thoughts and god knows this and I have asked him for his forgiveness. This is a spiritual journey for me and I am glad so many good women are around me .
Romans 2 The Message (MSG)
God Is Kind, but Not Soft
Those people are on a dark spiral downward. But if you think that leaves you on the high ground where you can point your finger at others, think again. Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgmental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. But God isn’t so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you’ve done.
You didn’t think, did you, that just by pointing your finger at others you would distract God from seeing all your misdoings and from coming down on you hard? Or did you think that because he’s such a nice God, he’d let you off the hook? Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he’s not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.
I had pointed my finger at my friend and taken the higher ground. I am the one that has said for every finger you point you have two pointing back to you. This time it was me pointing a finger that had nothing to do with the woman but everything to do with me.
I know what it takes out of a person that goes after a company that has wronged someone even when they are justified. I worked for a company where the owner did not pay the employees I recruited. When I could not take it any longer I went after him with the fiery of a woman scorned. I did not let up for about one year. I worked with US Senator office, IRS agents, and other federal agents in an attempt to make this guy pay for using me to recruit people and then not pay them what they earned. In the process I nearly mentally broke because the emotional stress and taking on so much by myself was too much for me mentally. This was all before hormones and I cannot imagine how that would play out today, much worse I am sure.( the fiery of the woman scorned could have been my need for surgery but it was all masked…. I am sure this is how deep my pain goes)
Also at the conclusion of many investigations my former employer even though he was stealing from the government he was stealing enough to prosecute him. He is still in business and it is business as usual in US government contracting in the USA. I took a stand for myself and that was so important in my life and this is the whole point I started to heal long before I took one estrogen pill.
I also learned the emotional toll was not worth it and I should have just walked away but I am glad I fought that fight but was it for the right reasons? I am sure you can tell I am still emotional about that situation and should I have fought or no walked away? Ethical and morally I had no choice any more than I have in speaking out now in the public. I saw a greater responsibility than myself which has helped me in my life today.
I learned valuable lessons in my life but never before let people close ,never. Well I knew I wanted to live my life to the fullest so I let a few women in very close. I am glad I did because I am starting to heal but the pain in me is overwhelming and old habits come back quickly when I am stressed in the least way at times like last week.
Lastly prospective, I was talking to a transgender woman and her prospective is that if you have an equally attractive woman standing next to an equally attractive transgender woman the transgender woman would be discriminated against. I ask the tough question and I ask her why? She said that is just the way it is . I don’t believe that for a second given my experiences with women and men in public. We , transgender women and women , are equally harassed and discriminated against. This is a gender issue not a trans only issue. The dilemma is how much more is a trans woman discriminated against than a woman…. I think it is far less than other think much far less.
But this attitude does one thing, isolates the transgender woman from others and women. The isolation is what kills the soul and making that blanket statement that the trans community is discriminated more than a woman to me is the very thing I detest and loathe. In the conversation I said nothing because I have learned to pick my battles with people that have a mindset that the world is against them.
I learn so much every day and if I was in isolation my experience on hormones would be drastically different . When I cry, which is a lot, that means I am alive and I will take that every time over isolation and the safety of my apartment. The risk is proportional to the risk so far I am healing but make no doubt the women in my life are the true difference along with god.
It is very apparent that I am also doing more self destructive behaviors with money and food because if I start to save then I would have to confront my deeper demon sexual reassignment surgery. I am scared to death to take on this demon and I am trying to figure a way to move beyond food and save money for surgery. I know how resourceful I am and I am sure I could figure a way to have surgery done by 2015 but instead I am running and pushing away from myself and success. As ziglar would say I am afraid of success and believe I am worth it.
I hope you all have a great day,
Thank you for allowing me share my story and help me heal
Rachel
If you like to get to know me better here is my face book id Rachel.candie.reid
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