i have been really challenged of
late but moving around Portland and seeing true homelessness give me
and would give anyone a new and enlightening prospective. then last
night i could not see because of my eye infection which is worse due to
my anxiety. I thought in the moment that what if I lost my eye sight and
what would happen to me? this truly scared me in the moment. also on
the train I see men and women that really, really ..... the homelessness
is a result of mental illness and with it the physical damage it does
to the person over time.
i saw a guy who was, no idea his age, could be my age but his skin
was like leather and thought maybe this was due to the harsh living
conditions over the years. personally i could not survive true
homelessness now because of how feminine i have become and the loss of
muscle mass would make me a big target for any predator. i consider
myself lucky to be in the position i am now, very lucky, thank god.
then i was working out today and even with my initial
stretches on the floor i had the urge to see if a vagina was between my
legs and this caused me to cry uncontrollably.this is becoming a bigger
problem as my body appears more and more feminine by the day. the
workouts are increasing in intensity and today i felt the power of my
legs coming back in a different way. i run straight then to the side as
my body and mind communicate how i am suppose to run. but very quickly
my muscles in my legs are developing and now my back is beginning to
feel the run. FYI i found out the hill i am starting to climb is called
MT. Scott. the incline is much more than the hill from downtown Portland
to the VA. I simply don't know how not to succeed eventually.
however in my pain is the thought that i will neverrrrrrrrrrrrr
everrrrrrrrrr be able to be me in my 20-40's? and why? as i cry there is
no reason. i was kept in a cave in my apt for decades because i feared
total rejection and homelessness and true death because of who i am .
now i come to downtown Portland today and i realized today that I come
everyday because in the past i was locked in a excuse me F---- cave. in
2009 I lived in the cyber sex world because if i came out as me i could
have died and no one would cared, not one person but maybe a few in my
family. more than likely not even my grandmother could openly support me
in Altoona.
now i live with the fact that i am happy, well almost, for the first
time in my life. but i know as i ccryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy and
cryyyyyyyyyyyyyy and cryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy that i will never be
allowed to know who i could have been. I really thought today .. i
wanted to be a flight attendant so i could travel and get out of
Altoona when i was growing up and into my adulthood. this was not a passing thought and even in my 30's i explored
before my daughter was born. i was not allowed to be me in my family and
no matter what i did i could not fight my entire family and the culture
of a small town.
plus my aunt, excuse me that bitch, as i finally put together what
she brought into our family. so she was a catholic sister who was
trained from the prospective of the 1940's in the catholic church ways
between 1950-1972. but in 1961 when we moved back to PA from CA she
taught my mother to bare ass spank us to make us do as we were told by
our mother.I remember vividly she spanked me and then i told my
grandmother. but when my grandmother could not stop her daughter she
told me to tell my father about the spanking and he stopped them.
her prospective was that men have a specific role in society
and women have a supportive role with men which was taught to her in the
1950's. also divorce was rare because it was frowned upon very harshly
by the church and other members of the church. also it is apparent that
she elevated her beliefs from spare the rod spoil the child. she believed in
literally brute force to get a child to comply with a parent's demand.
my grandmother told me more than once your mother and aunt were not
raised like this Donnie. she also said I am not happy with them either.
so my aunt deployed her harsh values and used money and her
relationship with my mother to attempt to instil her values from the
1950's upon our family. she had to believe that children can be taught
to do whatever you want if you use enough force. hence one day she told
me " remember you thought you were right handed." yes i was punished
until i used my right hand and brute force made me comply in a world
that belittled me at the age of 5. My aunt almost has to believe that
this is the way of god and otherwise acknowledge if there is a different
way this would shame god and mean the moral decay of society.
she is the one that brought shame under god's name to our
family. Because of her harsh values of doing things one way and her own
mental illness it divided our family. each time I saw what
she did to my siblings i would tell my grandmother. my grandmother would
confront my mother and her sister on the act. this made my aunt and
mother very angry but my aunt was furious that I would not comply and I
would tell her mother everything.
even when my sister would not comply they, both my mother and
aunt would slap her face. i told my father what i saw after talking to
my grandmother and my father, the street fighter, got in my aunt's face
about hitting my sister. so then only my mother slapped my sister's face
as my aunt directed the act. my aunt on many occasions would infer to my
mother or grandmother that she knew better because she was or had been a
catholic sister. my grandmother would shake her head in disguise and
say, " mary Jeanne."
so there was no way in the world genetic female or me could be
a flight attendant in Hollidaysburg PA because my aunt, not my
grandmother, told my mother how everyone should act in our family. Also
it seems like you were told what you should do, live in the small town
and produce more children that knew the way of god from my aunt's prospective.
my grandmother pushed me to get out of the small town and
told me she regretted not traveling more than she had in her live in her
60's. my mother had the imagine of me working in the railroad shops
and I told her" i don't do manual label." she said, " that is right you
are lazy." I then said," no i have picked enough rocks in my life .. no
more manual labor for me." i told my mother i will go to the marines
then Penn State like my uncle did and use the GI bill monies to go to college. then when I
attended PSU she said," if you brother was not married he would be in
college too." well I am here." i know she detested me because i had
defied her and her sister's world and ended up in one of the best
schools in the country. often my mother said to me you are just like
your grandmother and at times she said this in front of my grandmother and my
grandmother and I would just laugh. my mother would say this is not funny and
you and your grandmother do not understand the world. my grandmother
would weigh in and say," listen Connnie I raised you and your brother
and sisters during the great depression.... "
i get the fire and drive from my grandmother who nurtured it
from a very early age. she gave me hope and a desire to become me,
Rachel. she knew i was feminine and she was the first to help with make
up and help me put on my first bra and dress.
as i have said so many times without the women in my life there
would have been no rachel. i just did not know that the first woman was
my grandmother. she gave me the safe space like i have today to be me.
not many are this lucky but i am and thank god.
i am pulling out of my maladaptive dreams via ... well i am
trying it is not easy and does not work all the time... but " live now
and more forward, does this thought help me heal? so much points back to
my childhood and my thought process was elevated with my sales
background and goal setting which I modeled from Zig Ziglar.
i will be lucky to survive this journey next yr but i am doing my very best to tell the true story.
thank you
No comments:
Post a Comment