you make me smile, laugh
and cry a little with your last email. you are validating me in so many
ways. last night i thought, going back to shortly after we met,
everyone in the community abandoned me and i asked you, as i cried,
please help me. as i cry now you are a blessing from god. ....everyone
left me for dead but you until i met ......
I purposely walk the way i do to prove a point i wanted to do
for so long. that you can look and walk like a model and have the brains
of a scientist and senior VP. although my thought process was at the
being of hormones i should be able to strip on Friday and saturday and
be a senior VP Monday-Friday. i think i have seen far too many men
belittle women, since i walked amongst them i heard what they really
thought of us, and this made me more determined then ever to prove them
wrong and in all honesty put them in their place.
........
also yesterday as usual i put myself out there and i met the
guy that was impressed with my football knowledge which ends at 2010. I
thought real women don't like football but Penn State is back and soon
we will be off of probation lol. also i met this guy on the train and
he was bragging about he worked for the NSA and dropped MIT in the
conversation. the trump card i have for men they cannot beat is I am a
Marine. I have found that men are focused, most men, on their toys and
accomplishments and conquest of women etc, which i detest, and whereas
so many women are into the emotional part of friendships.
also the age of 55 yrs old is almost upon me and i think i
have accomplished between nothing and very little. i wanted to be a
successful professional woman but now with all the fixings, sorry that
description. i also want a wife and child and to have everything i
don't have now.... home, car, and someone to cook for as i cry. so with
my goals in my mind i have done nothing in this life as i enter my
senior yrs. i cannot even say i am going to be 55 yrs old.when my case
manager brought it up yesterday i cried and cried... i told her i don't
want to talk about it. it is on my mind all the time as i beg for anyone
to help with my surgery. i am still clawing and scratching to be me
where i started at the age of 7 yrs old. so 1/2 century later i am still
.......
.................
I thought i had a omen from god, or satan most likely, when i
found a flyer for several strip clubs in portland on my run. i thought
god , not really, was telling me to go and strip because i have no
friends and god is not real. so i pinned the flyer on my wall. i then
looked up lesbian strip clubs in Portland and i found that in Oregon
City there is a lesbian strip club for women. i thought i need to go
there and i would be embraced by all? also i looked up how much a strip
pole was and it is 489.00 that is portable. i feel like a lost soul and
let's go for broke again and the hell with god and everyone around,
hence the email the other day.
.....
i am caught between two worlds, one that will accept with the
condition of selling my body and soul and other that is so rewarding and
one of love. but the one of love is one where i cannot hold one person.
as the days go by i am leaning more and more towards the strip clubs
but in my heart it is different.
i thought today about women which happens all day long. then i
thought i love a hot dyke who would ravish my body and make me feel like
a real woman. i have been looked up and down by a few in Portland. plus
i was given card blanche at Hamburger Mary's by a dyke that was a
bartender. but then i looked in my heart and i said given a choice i
would take a woman that would hold me and make me feel warm inside.
.... might be right a healing is going on because i have noticed that
the very little things that use to bother me simply don't anymore. i
mean outside of surgery. this is a huge improvement over the last few
decades. but if the wrong woman approaches me and offers sex I cannot
refuse i have longed for a woman to love me as woman since my ex wife
rejected me as a woman over 20 yrs ago.
i am seeking true love but sex may prevail.
thank you
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