hi
apparently
my grandmother did much more than i said yesterday. when my mother
confronted my mother on the powder on my face my grandmother said, "
well if ... my brother, wants some powder on his face she would do the
same for my brother." my aunt and mother were not amused at that smart
remark but i laughed lol.
there is much more because my grandmother showed me how women
put lipstick on and then told me to watch my mother put it on so i would
know how to apply lipstick. this is why i watched my mother when i
thought all along i just did it on my own. my grandmother put perfume on
me when my mother would not and my mother smelled it on me. upon
arriving home i was told to put that shirt filled with grandmother's
perfume in the laundry.
there is not way i did tell my grandmother everything. the day
my aunt and mother tried to put me in an institution is the day my
grandmother truly embraced me as a woman. i just wish she was around to
see the woman i have turned into because of her helping me early in my
life. there was no coming out party for me because i was out since birth
and most definitely at the age of 7. that is why i cannot relate to
people saying when did come out? in the past i would say, " i don't know
if i ever did."
now today i am depressed because of surgery and why could i
not have been a 20's girl when i was 24 yrs old at Penn State? i look
at the younger girls and i am so dying to be with one so i can be one?
all i know is i am crying and crying and depressed knowing that my
grandmother kept the door open but society made me understand it was not
safe to come out as rachel.
so i hid and hid for 40 yrs? how do you wrap your head around
that your grandmother helped you only to have society stop you at every
turn for 40 yrs? i am anger and hurt and want someone to pay? Mary
Jeanne? i know i cannot get the time back like .... was explaining to
me. but what do i do at 55 yrs old? i want god to take me or something.
i understand my pain is related to not having access to
surgery too? but what the hell am i suppose to do after surgery? i have
no life because the years are gone? there was no reason for people to
threatened people like me only for me to hide because of the threats of
death and rape in the news etc. i saw what people said in many
countries about girls like me and it was either sexual or threats of
death or harm. it was made clear to me to lay low or die.
i don't want to be a stripper but at least i will be free? i
mean i want my 20's back after surgery and now. i think i deserve a
relationship now and years ago. i am a good person but i had no where to
run and now i really like me but i missed out on all the good years.
now i am physically beaten down by RA so badly that if i do
not lift weights i cannot sleep. the loss of muscle mass has ..... i cry
and cry and cry when i lift 5 lbs over my head in what are called
flyes. i mean i want to be me so bad and have surgery i am pushing
through pain few will understand. i am prepared to die and be beaten
down by RA and everything. but all of this could have been avoided if i
was me years ago. but no i am 55 yrs old and i am fighting for my life
while i relive nightmare after nightmare from my past.
my childhood and adult life did not have to be ..... i am tired of cryinggggggggggggggggggggggggg
gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
ggggggggggggg
i
want the pain to leave me and for me to have a normal life but it will
never be because of the RA and depression that i will never be accepted
as a woman. i might be fighting for nothing and maybe i need to do what
others do and just quit, file for disability and eat myself to death.
i do not think i will eat myself to death but at what point
will i lose my strong will to fight. i have been fighting apparently
since i was 7 yrs old and yet god has not intervened for surgery and a
life with people that like me in my day to day life enough to spend time
with me. where is he?
the day will come when i no longer care and my method of suicide
will be food. i was on that path before 2011 and last week i gained 7
lbs in 3 days with binge eating. i will not take pills nor kill myself
but suicide, like a woman that drank herself to death via alcohol, will
be via food for me. this could lead to me becoming Don again? if i stop
caring i will probably do what i did not so long ago and just throw a
dress on without showering or putting make up on. i have yet to start
putting my nail polish on like i did in the past.
i am not out of the woods but i am a different person and so
vulnerable and susceptible to be drawn back into the world of the adult
book stores, stripping clubs. but this time around i might actually end
up in a adult film or on the stripping club stage. all of what i thought
in the past does not exist and one false move and i will be on the
other side of the fence in no time.
how bad are things here? i am ok to a point but i still pre
dial 911 when i exercise everyday and go to bed just in case i have
another panic attack. when my stress is high i literally cannot see the
keys on my phone pad to call 911 so i have to pre dial it just in case i
do have a panic attack. this has been the case for nearly 3 yrs. also
it is rare for me to sleep 2 nights in a row the entire night without
waking up at midnight in a near panic attack which is mediated by food.
now my hips hurt so bad because of how i walk has changed so
much. the pain in my hips 3 days ago was so bad i could barely get out
of bed. all i did the day before was walk around Portland.
.......friend asked me to call her from face book... private part of story
i am just tired of fighting on hormones and to be me. at every turn
there is a good challenge that test me to a new level. after i beat
back the hips what is next? apparently due to a noggle on right foot on
one toe because of my new method of walking it is causing intense pain
to my foot to walk. so i will have to talk to my RA, ....,
about something we agreed in the past to not do. that is i will more
than likely have the noggle surgically removed so i can walk without
extreme pain.
i want a health, happy and sexy woman here but when will all
of this let up? i know why the others do not talk? you remember all of
the horrors of your past and how you hid from others and what you did to
others. it is a damn nightmare. there is never a let up including this
morning when i realized in the 1980's when i was training to go back
into the marines at Jake's gym i could not go into the all women's
section. this is something that cannot be undone and today i am
terrified of the thought of rejection of going into the women's locker
room in a gym.
who can take a beating like this and talk about it? me for a
while but when will it end or will all of this do me in like so many
others?
take care
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