what has changed since i was a child, my grandmother , and ?

just today i started to blow dry my hair on my left side. the estrogen for me sees to never shut off.  i have tried and tried to explain to the doctors but this has feel upon deaf ears.  anyhow moving on i have had to learn moderation to survive and i was wrong that i need to remove the maladaptive dreams before surgery . but not only before surgery but now before i mentally crash.

the hormones are accelerating by the day exponentially.  also the more i work out it seems like i am becoming more feminine and physically weaker.  the problem i have tried to explain to you and others is my body frame and muscle mass cannot support my weight. literally i will be in a wheel chair with my RA and and the loss of muscle mass due to estrogen unless i keep losing weight.

then last night i remember as i lost part of my vision because it became very blurry in one eye. I was like i am in my teens and very sensitive to heat, which created anxiety and the blurry vision. none of this is due to estrogen but one could argue it is from the abuse. but i would argue that maybe and maybe it was my hormones back when i was a teen. it became so pronounced that i could not work in the yard with my brother and father. my father would say you are just like the women.

it is also apparent that my father made us pick rocks since he was not allowed, per my mother, to teach us boxing. he told us this will make you tough and tried to teach me how to use a rack to toughen up my stomach muscles.  then at time when my mother was not watching he would teach us , let's be honest, street fighting or rough house play. my mother knew all of this was wrong but feared him and did nothing. i told my grandmother and my mother said there is nothing i can do.

 it is very clear that my grandmother helped me learn things as girl from an early age and  my aunt and mother saw this too.  then my grandmother would direct me to talk to my aunts and in a group conversation with my aunts. so i lived in a loving nurturing place in the conversation and was taught what and how to think like a woman by my 3 aunts and grandmother. then when my mother and aunt would come over to join the talk the conversation changed drastically. 

my grandmother did all she could to help me become a lady but society like today i cannot be me ?  nothing has changed in the last 50 yrs.  i am accepted in small gathering but no one wants to support me in the larger society.

 I thought today in a lesbian relationship would people introduce me to their friends and family even outside say a picnic? i doubt it and so we have not come any further then we did 50 yrs ago. but yes we have policies that Mara and others have taken the credit for writing yet nothing has changed. nothinggggggggggggggggggggg.