my fantasy world and how in 2012 it was broken

i found out that i am very, very sensitive and fearful of men that are more than an arm length close to me. i am becoming more and more sensitive to my environment and the past experiences with men has had horrible consequences for me. private thoughts about a friend

private info about my friend that is accompanying me to thailand....... she is ready so now i need to fund and prepare mentally and physically for the surgery

then on the train i saw a girl about 6 yrs old. she and i glared at each other off and on the entire trip. then i wondered what it was like to be her. the little girl's nails were polished and she began to swing her feet. then i remember that is what i did as a child when i sat next to other girls. but in that moment today i know the pain as i cry when i was a child. the pain was so deep that i went into my dream world where i was a girl. this is a curse from hell. i know the exact emotions of when i was so young and growing up into my 20's.

then on the same trip on the trip i saw a woman that was pretty wearing shorts. i thought as i ccryyyyyyyyyyyyyy that will never be me. i wondered what it was like to dress a 20's woman and shave my arm pits like this woman. what is it like? i will never ever know.

then i think what am i fighting for? for the F--- for? then as i walked into the library i realized that my grandmother told me to look at the other girls to learn how to be a young woman. my grandmother knew everything about me because i told her in confidence.  so when i watched younger women or girls in public my mother and aunt noticed i was modeling the behavior of girls and women in public. to stop this modeling behavior my mother would grab my face and tell me to look at her not the other girl or woman. i would say i am just watching her. she said no you are not!! so i had to look at my mother and this forced me into my dream world because of the hostile environment created by my mother and aunt.

what broke me out of my dream world? an act of god!!! two women in the VA came to my rescue and guided me in 2011 to speak on February 2012 at a regional conference of the VA. this is when my dream world became smaller than my real world and the fantasy world began to break. why? at the regional conference where no one like me had been allowed to speak i told a story of my life not just about hormones. this single act by two friends of mine altered my world and my life. how? i was embraced by 50 directors and deputy directors of a 5 state region in the VA. that is not the only important thing that happened at the conference where i spoke. at the end of my speak a high ranking member of the region came up to me and said, " i can relate as a gay man."

also i was introduced to the director of the portland VA and for a brief moment we joked about something that i would think would reveal too much about his personal life so i will keep it private. then after this i went into the lobby where a deputy director spoke with me and said, " she thought there was a disconnect." i guess what she was saying was that what i thought was important and what some thought were important differed. after that i said to her, " who took the bigger risk me or the woman that opened the door for me to speak? she said," I don't know."

this seemingly small event where only a few attended in the bigger picture changed my journey of life.

thank you