hi
I saw 3 couples on the train today kissing and all i could think of is
being with a woman. then i thought.. have to edit this.... she cannot
be with me because i want her to do things with me that cannot be done
because i don't have vagina.
i am crying because now if a man put 5k-20k in front of me i would
have sex with them to get surgery. there is no more justifying
anything. i would like to cross the line to get surgery at any price
now. the pain is more than i can bare.
i was thinking of what if? in June there is no way i can afford
surgery and what will i do ? i will not wait until 2016 because 2015
will be the year no matter what. to me this is the ultimate all or
none!!
in the shower i cannot touch the thing, when i go to the bathroom and
.... i cried today so hard I had to force myself off the toilet. when
i workout i am crying so hard that i have a hard time pulling myself
off the floor some days. i cry when i get up, eat, sleep, and every
breath could bring a tear. if others could see this maybe they would
be compassionate enough to grant people like me the option in the
united states for sexual reassignment surgery.
the energy it takes to prepare breakfast and do the dishes in the
morning is exhausting after i have pushed myself though tears waking
up, stretching in bed and lifting weights or running. maybe this is
why i have switched it to night time work outs which have not helped
since i cry and cry then too.
in the depth of my crying i think of suicide by cutting my penis but somehow I
manage to push though it all with the hope of surgery. when the hope
of surgery is gone i will commit suicide. that is a really hard thing
to acknowledge but since i have been trying for so many years that
hope if removed would be the end of me. i would rather die then keep
this thing beyond next yr this time.
no i am not planning on any specific course of suicide with a date but
i am emotionally exhausted after yrs of fighting this disease. yet
surgery is so close but so far away but i have heard the closer you
get to surgery the more intense the emotional trauma which is where i would possibly
commit suicide. not to mention i have heard of others that commit
suicide immediately after surgery.
I am putting suicide solidly on the table because i am in trouble and
i do not want to hurt you. i feel like i am limbo where i am not who
i am suppose to be and living and fighting is so hard for me. i am
trying to avoid cutting, attempting suicide like so many others in the
community but wow it is really pushing me hard now. i am almost
positive it is because I will have to risk so much with surgery and so
many unknowns along with the fact each day this thing between my legs
becomes more and more .............what is doing between my legs....
where is my vagina?
i am to the point then when i am in my shower that i try to massage
something that does not exist and my mind does not know why there is
not a vagina there? then i get out of the shower and dry off and i try
to dry something that is not there as i cry. then later in the day my
hormones surge which pushes up my estrogen and drive for sex which
makes me cry because i cannot have sex. this is hell beyond anything
you can imagine. omg i cannot imagine all this pain and how i am still
alive?
managing the day to day chores, personal issues, hormones etc and try
to find a way to finance and mentally heal before surgery is .....
what word of phrase can i use....i know i am in prison and at times a
concentration camp without walls. in the shower i think as i cry up
against the shower sliding door that i am in prison and i wanted out so
bad.
now i am close to the point i will do whatever i need to and any
future gf i hope will understand what i did because i could not take
the pain any longer. i have made peace or close to making peace with
having sex with men for money.
plus on top of all of this when i lift weights either my RA or lack of
muscle mass causes me to cry so hard because i am lifting 5 lbs
dumbbells.
i just think over and over .... what could i have done in this life if
i had expended this much energy in helping others or operating my own
company? no one will ever know because the yrs are gone forever as i
enter my 55 yr birthday of hell.
i am thinking at this moment in the library ... of cutting my penis
off .. i actually can visualize cutting it but then my rational mind
kicks in and says if i do that i cannot get surgery maybe? then i can
see a woman with me and what she is doing to me with such clarity
that it is like watching a hi def movie. as the days go by the images
of being with a woman drive me to surgery and this really is not new
since i have wanted to be with a woman for decades as a woman. but the
clarity is kiling my soul
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