emails help me heal and here is an email in response to last post

thank you for this space again. i was carrying around so much anger that i was about to blow or lash out at anyone that looked at me wrong. i know how i was as child and in the marines now. i know how i survived the marines now too. however all of this being said my damn hormones will not shut off the matter how bitchy, anger i get now.

how much of this anger is due to my frustration due to no surgery yet? how much is because no one will be come my friend?  and how much is this because my mother, aunt and .... abandoned me? i do know i told myself in that anger mode no one can hurt me so it will not matter if the both of you and ....abandon me too because it has happened so much in my life. then that mean ... sent me a reply to an email.

this makes it hard for me to stay mad very long and my therapist put it best i need a hug but there is no one to hug so i do not feel loved. this is my secret and i don't know how to defuse it until i find a girlfriend.

in absence of a girlfriend i say to myself i will just have sex and party after surgery. i know i am not that kinda of woman. then i think what if a gf leaves me for .. " rachel i found a real woman for a girlfriend." i am terrified to death of that happening more , as i cry and cry, then surgery. that would break my heart and i would not have a reason to live.

i am scared of intimacy and since i don't know how this makes it really hard. plus each day can you imagine the plate you wash or touch is a bit different every day? this is estrogen. my world changes every day so much so i hang on by a thread. it is not surgery it is everything plus surgery.

take care and have a good weekend