i am not so good. i will be honest i have more episodes of thoughts of suicide but please have faith that i will not cut a piece of your heart............. in such an act. i am in hell and it is getting worse by the second but the idea that all of my dreams from 3 yrs ago may come true in thailand push me through thought of suicide.
i remember how my aunt told me remember how you thought you were left handed and really you are right handed? you will learn to act like your mother and i want you to like everyone else. so basically satan my aunt thought that since i was beaten to write with my right hand that she could alter my feminine qualities.
omg there is a force in me i cannot explain nor stop. it is unlike what anyone ever talks about. when i am working out, eating, or whatever there is this internal force that guides me. for example when i am working out , in the past, i would push up to 90 percent but now i know that 60-70 percent will make long term gains. this is true of my mental health and physical health. whatever is in me cannot be stopped and maybe from birth god touched me and this is my mission in life and god's will?
i thought of suicide briefly yesterday but in the moment i thought to myself out loud, " i have more to life for then dying." i know it sounds so different but what i have worked for so long since starting DBT in 2003 has now made it possible for me to think in the moment. the bad part is i cannot stop off the bad memories of the past.
the pain inflicted upon me by society was horrible. but i know why i like to talk in groups now and why i want a family picnic? that is because as a child my grandmother made that space safe for me to act any way i wanted and defied my aunt and mother by telling them to leave me alone while i sat next to my other aunts and my grandmother.
what i am saying is i came out at 7 yrs old and i felt the pain within my family about my gender after i pointed to who i was a girl. but then my grandmother treated me like her daughter, yes daughter, and my aunts by marriage embraced me as one of their own. this made it possible for me to socialize and learn as a woman. in the small circle of my grandmother and aunts the joke was ," don't worry Donnie is not one of them, a man." we all would smile when one aunt would say that too. so i was raised as woman in sweats and t shirt but all the women in my family knew who i was at 7 yrs old. i just made it all official in 2003 when i told my mother face to fact again and in 2011 when i wrote the letter that my name is rachel.
this is why i have a hard time understanding when people say when did you come out? i finally can say when i was 7 yrs old and my mother tried to put me in an institution but my grandmother protected me. this have to go though this is horrible and to know , as you say, my own blood mother tried to lock me up is , no words.
i know now i have the strength to do what i need to and follow through with my rest of my life and surgery. but it emotionally drains me to try to manage a project like this while i am the project. but this extreme stress keeps my mind occupied and deters thoughts of suicide. this is not surgery or death for me. to me it is risking it all to be me or go back to even more self destructive behaviors.
on that note if i email you later and i tell you i bought a car or purchased 500.00 in make up i have taken a step back and this will mean a step closer to suicide. is this true? i am locked in a death roll with surgery and i am betting my friends in the VA can put me back together mentally and physically after surgery. my friends at xerox and the VA have made rachel possible as i cry and cry. i have the safe space my grandmother gave me as a child but now it is ok to be me finally after 50 yrs. this is insane for what i had to do to get this far.
i cannot and will not turn back. mentally and physically i will be ready in six months. i need to counter the loss of muscle mass before surgery and strengthen my abs and back to ensure the best recovery time after surgery. while i am mentally fighting for my life and changing my behaviors in the moment.
thank you for being in my life and god bless
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