the hell continues and how to get others to understand?

i promised to tell the real story so here is how it really is for me


yesterday was a very interesting day if you can call it that?  i am so hurt, anger and there are no words to describe the deep pain of the last 48 hrs.  yesterday I could not take the pain any longer so in anger i took my arm pushed all of my make up on the floor.  I did this in anger when i was a child because there was no hope nor solution then nor now.

i cry when i get up, drink my cup of grape juice, and when i workout i have flashbacks and cry almost the entire duration of the workout. i have come to realize that there is no hope of a happy life nor anything that i wanted all of my life. it is quite clear i wanted to be that woman on TV shopping and yet an educated professional woman.

this is painfully clear when i walked to the library today. i look at the younger girls and think over and over as i cry i never had a chance to be me. i am 55 yrs old and i can see the wrinkles in my face of a 55 yr old. i was fooling myself with the most expensive makeup that i could make it work at this stage in my life. there is no hope of me being me.

i remember my  grandmother saying, " you don't let them chance you and you be you." if only more of my grandmother were in my life prior to my omg 50's i could be ok. again i look at the younger women and i am anger now that so many take so much for granted. especially the girl in pittsburgh who in her early 20's had an supportive family who paid for her surgery. this woman was thankful for nothing except her big ego that could not fit through the door.

i would do anything but i was a coward not to be me years ago.................. no one cares so i don't care anymore.

i am so emotionally shut down over the last 48 hrs i hope some ass bumps into me by accident because my purse will drop and it will be on. i was so nice and nice for what? every time i have been nice in my life i have been excuse me F--- over and over. my friends asked me why i was that way and in college and my grandmother ask me the same thing. i really tried.

then in 2011 i thought i could make a difference in this world in ........and society as a whole. i was wrong because i have made no difference in this world so all of this coupled with people hurting me in the.... and in society has, congratulation, awoken someone i did not as i cry want to every see again. society has awoken the marine and the fighter that is emotionally shut down and wants to fight anyone and anything.

i am so tired of people doing me wrong that the next one will pay the price in one form or another.  i also will deal with my ..........after surgery. she took my life as a child then i would ensure my presence in our hometown destroys her so solid reputation.  my mere presence and mentioning i am her niece will do enough and then i will go to our church. i guess i am like my mother and if you want a war i will give you one.

......thoughts of suicide ? yes and even during working out but i seem to have a mission and the mission of surgery over powers my thoughts of suicide?

there is the 30-40 years where i was in hell and no one helped me as i cry. now i am in hell where i see how good things are on this side of the fence. it is like god tensed me and said look what you have missed. you are an asshole god.  i am in hell because no one cares enough to do the right things for nearly 50 yrs. wtf.

how right are hormones for me? omg!!! i have not taken my embrel shot for 3 weeks and my ankle injury that limited my mobility and range of motion suddenly has healed so i can walk so feminine. not estrogen? then how the hell did it heal after 35 yrs???????????????????????????

?

........ this is no reason for me to live any longer.  i have only to look forward to hell , then surgery, then sex and parties until i am dead in a few years after surgery. but that is not my problem it is the fact that the 30 yrs before i could try to be me cannot be replace.

so the person that could have been will never be. for example instead of helping my friend ...fix his car i could have been with girlfriends cooking or talking!! none of this can happen because time is gone.... come get me god pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee

to realize the person you could have been will never be is ........ think of all of this drive i have that could have been used to help society and achieve real goals not some dumb surgery.  i have not been able to hold a job for more than one year except when ... helped me at .... at ...people really saw what i was capable of and this all could have happened 30 yrs ago after surgery but i damn did not.

there really is not reason for surgery or my existence. i also am thinking of taking drugs since i thought of my needles to my enbrel. i thought what would it hurt to try coke or whatever to numb this pain. that is what it will take to numb the pain i feel.

to i mean all of the above??? i don't know but i can tell you that  knowing that the person that could have been will never be cuts through my heart like a hunter gutting an animal he has captured and killed. i just do not see a future after surgery. perhaps this is why girls commit suicide after surgery to know that the pain is not relieved by surgery one bit.

surgery does not release us from the prison that is imposed by society. the isolation that i put on myself for decades cannot be changed just because i wear a dress now.  i think too many people are afraid to say what they really think... Rachel you are just a man in a dress!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i looked at myself in the mirror today and yes i can see that but people will not even give me the chance to get to know them. it is like door to door sales when no one opens the door you cannot make a sale. i can win people over but when you are fake and pretend to like me only to be polite. or smile only to appease me makes me think you do think i am a man in a dress. there is nothing i can do in my lifetime to chance people attitudes.

i think i was born in the wrong time in history. i tried so hard to open doors only to be put back in the closet by so many. i can have surgery but i can never be paroled from prison because of how i am perceived. i did my best and i failed and god?

i cannot tell you of how deep this pain is and how long i can endure it. the longer i go on hormones the more i realize it is not the hormones but society that will never allow me to heal. there is one thing i do in public and that is talk but how many friends do i have ? NONE!!!

my out spoken ways puts me out of the loop with the trans community and in the main stream society it is my opinion that people would not introduce me to their friends nor want someone like me to be known that you are friends with me!!!

thank you