I have stalled enough on the tough issues of estrogen and hormone replacement therapy. What is it really like in my head and mind at my lowest points on estrogen? What tears at my heart and why? (why for a later time but when and how tonight)
Every day I get into the shower and I dread the feeling and thoughts that will cause me to cry, cry and cry. I bathe my upper body and feel so feminine and alive. Then I have to bathe between my legs. This nearly brings me to my knees because I know what is between my legs is wrong and I cannot fix it now. I cry , cry and cry some more then I finish bathing and shampooing my hair which makes me feel so good and so much a woman . But then the feelings overwhelm me to the point I hold onto the top of the shower and cry a few more minutes. This happens every day of my life since month 23.
The problem is that the pain and effectiveness of the estrogen is increasing exponentially every day like it has since week one of treatment. I am holding on my a thread and one day I thought the thread broke about 2 weeks ago. I was lying in the middle of my living room floor , crawled up in a ball crying in the middle stretching exercises. What did I think?
I thought may be I would just lie there and die and starve to death and may be someone would find me in time. I thought nothing of anyone in my life nor my friends nor anyone. I wanted to die and make the pain go away. I wanted it so bad … the crying continued until I could not cry any longer.
Then I somehow pulled myself to my feet and slowly over about one hour I began to recover to some point. I was so exhausted emotionally and physically. It was like I had run 7 miles and had done many speeches back to back. I had nothing more to give and yet I was able to pull myself off the floor. This is the feeling of totally numbness. I felt nothing at the time.
I cry a lot every day and more every day. I started to cry each time I go to the bathroom two weeks ago even at work. I make sure no one sees me crying. But women can see other women’s eyes and one cannot hide the pain from another woman. Last week at work I came back from the bathroom where I had cried a lot and a woman asked me, “ are you ok?” I said, “ you can tell I was crying?” she said , “yes.” I told her I would be ok and then we began to talk about work etc. again the women came to my rescue in my time of need like they have for the last nearly 50 yrs. Fyi I had never talked to this woman at work prior to this day.
On estrogen I have found that all your questions about yourself and life will be answered because of how the drug works on the brain, more than likely. But the real question are you ready for all of the answers? I mean are you really ready to relive the demons and nightmares of your childhood through your adult life? Don’t get me wrong all of it is not bad but at it’s peak on estrogen you will have to deal with the demons.
The demons are triggered by smell, taste or anything you think about or experience.
I have found within the transgendered community that some , not sure of the percentage, have the perception that everyone and everything is to blame for their issues with gender. They mask their pain in anger and project it upon everyone and anything around them and some places it upon women. I am not one that will ever do that.
(I have never been one to say my therapist said this. I can make my own decisions and conclusions by myself. I might say that scientific research shows that x and this is my experience which is backed by the research. I am one driven and independent woman. and if you want to change my mind you have to tell me why and sell me on it. Like ziglar would say you sell me or I will sell you. )
The women in my life are the reason I am not dead. That is not an overstatement. Plus I do not have the capacity to hate no matter what people have done to me I cannot hate you. I don’t want to know what it is like to think like that ever in my life and hate people .
A woman recently said I know what makes you so different? I said what? She said people can see the love you share with everyone. She just said what I have been thinking for a long time. Even as child I said to myself I am color blind to race, gender, etc. I knew who I was long before I started estrogen.
I just don’t know what keeps me alive at times when his disease is tearing at heart more and more by the minute. I am crying so much now that I wonder if I can stay employed in any job. I work at a call center and that is anything but low stress. However I think that may be I am well suited for that job because it keeps me off balance in my life so I don’t have time to think too much about all that is tearing my heart to pieces.
But however recently I am crying in my cubicle at work on calls and in between calls. I really don’t know how to cope with all the emotions I am experiencing and furthermore how long I can go without mentally breaking.
About a month ago when I started to cry so much and the hormones started to rage 24/7 I asked myself if I should check myself into the Portland va mental hospital? Again somehow I was able to keep it together and make it through the day. How?
I believe with all my heart the answer is god, my life experiences, my education, and the women around me . Plus to be totally transparent I am on a mission to prove that a woman can go through all I have gone through and have surgery while employed and share her story. One woman told me , “ I get you Rachel you are out to prove you can do it better than anyone and three times better.” the woman was right.
The added stress I have placed on myself would break most people but not me. Why? Add the marines in the mix of all of the above and you probably will have an answer. In 1997 I was diagnosed with arthritis that was so bad that my daughter had to open jars for me and I could barely walk on my own with crutches. It took me two years of physical therapy and an experimental drug at the time enbrel for me to be able to walk again.
I simply don’t quit. I am unable to quit and to commit suicide and suicide would not solve my problem . Do I still think of suicide at times? Yes ? Often no but yes I think of it at times. Anyone that is on hormones that says they don’t I would challenge them given my experience and talks with women like me.
I have been defiant since I was a kid. My mother would tell me “ Donald do because I said so.” I would say , “why.” she would say “ Donald I am warning you.” I still would ask why. This has nothing to do with my gender but everything to do with who I am . I want it all or nothing and I am going to it my way. I have learned to trust people while on estrogen and this has been pivotal in my success on the drug.
So fast forward to 1982 when I had to lost 50lbs so I could reenlist back into the marines. It was a cold January night around about 9 pm. The wind chill outside was -20 degrees Fahrenheit with ice on the ground. I told my mom I was going to run and would be back soon. “ she said, Donald you are crazy.” I ran 2 miles that night. I had a goal to lost 50 lbs in 5 months and in may of 1982 I reenlisted back into the marines.
I did not quit back then despite the odds and I will not quite now but make no doubt about it … I am in the fucken fight of my life and I need all the skills I have learned in 50 yrs which including what I learned in the marines and well beyond. But this time around I need help and I acknowledge that I will not survive without help.
Last week I had an added stressor as therapist would say. I was called in for a 2nd mammogram because there were potential problems. I will blog about it tomorrow. If you think estrogen is anything where you can give less then 100 percent it is best if you turn back now.
I have the support of so many that are leaders in society and I hold on by a thread almost every day.
My goal is go to Thailand late next year and have a live video feed of my surgery and recovery. I am determined to break down the walls of secrecy of the journey of the transgendered community. This will ensure that the next woman has a better chance of survival and the support that we all deserve. Far too many are of us are our worst enemies. Again my mother told me that many times in my life. She was right and it is sad we could not talk when she was alive.
Lastly A good friend of mine said, “ everyone deserves a kindness and love.” this woman means the world me and in my darkest hours and she and a few others held me up last week. I thought I was about to lose everything and their faith helped me through the week and it has never waived.
Thank you god for my friends
Rachel
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