private email on my struggles with the transgendered community

hi,

I am kinda sad now because I was checking the updates on a transgendered group and I have removed apparently.  I was having a discussion , heated one, but one I think is necessary but it was in direct conflict with radical females. it is the label attached to a group apparently that want to utilize whatever means to force change in society. my last thread focused on the olive branch brings more bees than a baseball bat.  I stressed  there is an issue that offering a solution will help heal the wounds and open the door for further decision. 

I am crying because at times I think I am so alone but although the above was very painful. A woman names was ? , born a woman,  backed me openly in the group on the issue of labels.  like I said at my first speech my enemies are not in the va they are beyond the thick walls of va. I feel so safe with the va and feel protected from the anger and misconception of so many in my community. I will never toe the party line and be open and honest and admit and apologize when I am wrong. it is my time of healing my heart and soul and god is a big part of this healing.

I was really depressed today and ended up at subway after having my mammogram done today. I was talking to a young African american woman and she asked me what is wrong? I am so transparent. I told her I felt marginalized in a marginalized community.  she said she felt the same. I said really?  I think the leadership of many communities does not embrace open conversations.

I talked to another transgendered woman that was in involved in trans right issues long ago. she disengaged because of the politics of the groups which did not represent her ideals of how to accomplish the goals of the group.

I think there are many of me that are marginalized in so many subcultures.  the lessons on estrogen have been hard and fast . last week I thought for few moments maybe i should do back to don.  I cannot go back because I know who I really am inside and out now. also i am involved in a group project that is so much larger than me.  I have never been challenged like I have been in the last 2 yrs.  

I will never toe the party line that society is to blame for all the ill the transgendered community. I strongly disagree with some of the leaders in the transgendered community that believe that you can change people through implementation of laws. the laws are important but changing the hearts and minds of people means you have to willing to share and have open and honest conversations. and in the transgendered community this may mean you have to publicly talk about your demons. 

I am a strong woman but the stress of being outed by your own subculture is very painful. my saving grace is the strength of my cygender, born women, who are by my side and never have waived in their belief in me.  they are and will be forever the ones that saved my life and are helping me heal myself and others.

thank you for allowing me show my journey ,

rachel