hi
I am trying to cope with the mode swings and mental illness that has been caused by gender identification disorder. let's be honest the depression of 40 plus years will not go away because I am on hormones. now I have to cope with all the issues that have plagued me for 4 plus decades.
I get up crying everyday because I now realize I have been sick mentally and physically for nearly 50 years. the physically illness is one issue and the mental illness is associated with and comes with the physical component is coupled with the physical part.
What I am saying is that every thought, actions etc of my past, would include decades ago to months ago, becomes more and more clear, vivid that it is overwhelming in my brain. the estrogen improves the neural connections in the brain and my experiences increases the effective strength of the drug which compounds the challenges to just survive the day.
excuse me but the bull shit told by other transgendered women is just that bull shit. I have talked to transgendered women and I have zero in common because of my prospective of how to solve problems . I take a problem on directly. I don't pretend there is not a problem. I either go full force or not at all. i am truly an all or none woman. there is no in between for me and this is a really a plus but could be the death of me to because of this disease.
i realize I cannot cut this thing between my legs off nor commit suicide because It would not resolve the issue. either one of the above would be quitting. i don't quit I find a way to get what I want to be blunt. this disease however I am learning I have been working on for nearly 40 plus years.
I was thinking this morning about an email I wrote and wow it hit me . I use to have women caress me lightly all over and I thought that was to get me sexually aroused. wow I was wrong and it was because of who I was inside and I/she was struggling to come out and did not know how to until recently. when I am stressed , nearly ready to break, or worse close to panic attack I will lightly caress my body or run a finger nail lightly over one arm.
when you learn this in the middle of a crisis and have to figure this out on your own because an entire subculture will not talk about it to the public nor the doctors that treat them it is overwhelming challenge. (there are really no words to describe my frustration because of the wall of silence on hormones) . if anyone thinks like me I have not met them nor have the people I talk to in pubic nor the doctors that treat me.. therefore how can a doctor help me? how can the public understand? I think you get my point and it is I am frustrated because others will not talk and expect everyone to understand. this is not a rational way to approach any problem and especially one that is as severe as this , gender.
I realize i am opening up a wound that is deep and could literally kill me. but I was honestly dead two years ago but did not realize it. i was eating myself to death , depressed and practically locked myself in my apartment unless I had to go out to get something or go out to eat. this was not life but an clearly just existing in a body without any hope. now today I am so much different but on the threshold of death's door at times because when coming out of depression one is more likely to commit suicide . I learned this in psychology class at penn state and have remember this all of these years.
this is me and I acknowledge this openly and by doing this I have a better chance of survival. I put on the table that suicide, depression, surgery is necessary, facial surgery, breast implants etc everything. I take on issues head on and don't pretend this gives me a different prospective and gives me a chance to survive this disease. for example within the transgendered community others pretend the anus is the vagina. my prospective of this is that you are pretending and by doing this you are doing further damage to your mental health and ability to move forward in life and your personal journey.
the pretending for me stopped the first week of estrogen. I know what is between my legs needs to be addressed and removed asap. but the challenge is the mental illness associated with the disease. the question is can I heal mentally before the surgery and will I mental break in the process? I have a good chance of beating this disease but I have never been challenged like this in my life. I would rather die then go back to who I was pretending to be.
others want to pretend and hide all the secrets I talk about and shame on them . i realize others are not as strong as me but the damage you are doing to your mental health by the wall of silence is killing you and I know a lot about this. if you hide all that I know about this disease you probably are already dead and don't know it. why? you are just existing and in your own fantasy world like I was for nearly 50 yrs.
who brought pulled me out of my fantasy world? the veteran administration hospital leadership when they opened the door for me to speak at the regional conference. what happened? my real world became bigger than any fantasy world in my head. this compelled me to think and move on in my life. i wish others could have the experience I have on hormones.
The anger of so many in the transgendered community has driven me away and I feel isolated because I cannot hate like others. I don't want to know what it is like to hate someone that had nothing to do with the disease I have had all of my life. I am color blind and have always treated people the same based on how you treat me. if you treat me nice I am your best friend and would do all I can to help you in your life. this is who rachel ir or don because I have the same heart.
God has given me a heart of gold and others see this and are drawn to me. i have the passion and heart of a woman that loves, cares deeply about others and don't understand the hate in the world. this might seem simple minded but the true difference in me may be my heart of love of humanity. there are so many good people in the world and I am drawn to them. this makes my journey so different and all the love of other women have guided me and protected me all of my life and I thank god for each one of them
thank you for allowing me to share
rachel
ps below is a link to the mental health issue associated with hormone in women; this article depicts me very well and why I could be so emotional all of time.
http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/yourmentalhealth/2013/02/05/hormones-and-womens-mental-healthhttp://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/yourmentalhealth/2013/02/05/hormones-and-womens-mental-health
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