I am working at xerox as care representative where I earn enough plus a little more than expenses. so surgery is something that gives me hope and I really need that for without the hope I am done. I have a acquaintance that tells me if I can come up with 5k that she likely can push through a loan for 5k. but 10k is the minimum and this does not take into consideration the time to recover after surgery. I have done some research and recovery time is 2-6 mos.
men? i call that the 50/50 rule. I have found that half of men will hold the door for me and the other half is filled with sexual harassment and outright neglect to far end of the spectrum which is threatening physical harm. I personally had a great experience xerox with a man that was in a leadership position that changed my prospective in men. he promoted and supported me whole heartedly after the promotion. he is trying to bring me to back for a short assignment because I am very good at projects where crisis management and delivering results are needed and that is me. This strong woman hid her talents for far too long .
I have gone through periods of depression which have included thoughts of suicide but because of the people around me and hope each give me the thoughts were no more than a passing thought.(but intense as hell at times) the women around me don't allow enabling in fact the men and women around me hold me accountable in a very sensitive way. I have found this is true in the va, xerox and other organizations within portland. I believe all this is possible because I want it all or nothing. the risk is I may not survive the journey but the women around me will not allow me to go into a dark space and not come out.
also the self destructive behaviors of the past are slowing being removed and this process is not an easy one . it has challenged in the moment to help me heal. in fact I just came from a new friends house and she used the word he to refer to me when we first met. what i realized is that once i am triggered I go into a space and build up barriers that will allow no one to get through effectively isolating from the world. I explained this to her and what was going on and told exactly how I felt. it was scary and in the moment I nearly crashed again. the time it takes me to process and heal is almost in the moment which is the key, in my opinion, to healing the heart and soul.
the event today with my new friends pushed me into a thoughts of suicide but I realized that when coming out of depression one is most prone to attempted suicide or suicide . I learned this in dr. cornwell's psychology class at penn state many years ago. my ability to access information so far back is a true asset and has helped me not only survive but thrive. I have found that the more I am challenged the more effective the estrogen becomes which pushes me to the edge at times.. I know this because I get a head rush and nearly pass out but I have learned to stay calm and let it pass knowing I am growing and healing faster and faster.
my ability to think in the middle of a crisis , think rationally , access or research information, process and change my behavior in the moment is critical in my healing. this is the core concept of dialectical behavior theory. applying what I have learned over the years will not assure my success and healing but will increase my ability to heal. I have been successful to this point because I allow myself to be extremely vulnerable and trust the women around me .
I have learned that my surgery is only part of the process and if I can keep it in prospective, which is really difficult, I will make it to the other side of fence and arrive a sexy, healthy and happy woman. like joan of arc I am wiling to risk my life because I would rather die than live how i have for the first 50 years.
and to quote zig ziglar if you think you can or can't you are probably right. he also says that someone without goals is like a ship without a rudder. my sales career has drastically altered my experience on hormones. my long term goal is to set up a international trading company and broker commodities such as oil , corn etc. I want my life and will settle for no less than a leadership role in society.
I have been blessed to have so many good women around me and I am still a bit perplexed how one man slipped through my all women network. the truth is I don't have transgendered , lesbian, gay or white, black friends but I have only friends. this man helped me through the crisis of my life at xerox and stood by me and helped me heal like so many others. he is a man of character and just does not talk the talk but walks the walk. his prospective is my gender disorder is a birth defect. a man that gets this is rare I think.
thank you
rachel
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