you made me cry because through all of my journey you and have never pushed me away or forgotten me. I feel you both care and respect what I have to say as a human being. this has been so pivotal in my life.
(edited out for privacy reasons of my friends)
it is my heart felt belief that others do not talk because , this is a rachel theory, if you take your anger out of someone else you don't have to deal with the real issue , you. I say this because of the anger within the community and statement like "they don't understand us/me." if one does that you don't have focus on the real issues, again you. the longer you are on estrogen the deeper the pain the more angry you become. I made the choice to use my pen and voice to release the angry and cry each morning. I understand in the middle of a crisis that the crying is needed each day to move forward. but to learn this in the middle of a crisis is a gift from god. I have never had such a gift before the healing of my soul began.
why am I so different then others? It is my opinion that your kindness and caring helped me heal by giving me a voice and sharing some of your lives with me . this showed me that you really care. this is all I want in life is to know people care and respect me. so many in the past did not care and to also acknowledge people care then this helps yet compels one to move forward. \ the hard part is letting go of the past and moving forward and I have had some really good teachers and the seemingly endless emails have been a huge part of my healing.
edited part
. this really made me want to push away from her and others like her but after I wrote the email I thought about what I had written and evaluated the email and the whole issue. quickly I realized to push her and others like her away would be hurting her and myself because of what I wrote in the second month on hormones. I wrote down my goals and beliefs and said: "...I have the ability and ethical responsibility to advocate for those that cannot speak for themselves." I also promised many including you and god that I will help all I can in my journey so pushing her away and others like her would hurt me and break my so many promises.
also One day, recently< I was thinking about surgery and realized once it is completed what then? I have to move forward mentally before the surgery so after surgery i can resume my life goals and keep the healing process moving forward. this is really an important concept to know and to learn this on your own wow. I now think of and visualize the surgery and can see the surgeon cutting my penis down the middle to make it into a vagina. my ability to visualize things like this on estrogen is so powerful because it is so life like in my mind. how am I comforted ? many would not believe it but my biggest concern is follow up care and the trust I have in the va that they will be able to resolve any issues after my surgery is without exception. also the relationships I have developed has been ever so important in this trust in the va health care system.
the whole thing as i cry is I feel so safe at xerox because of (edited out) and other women and I feel safe in the va. I don't feel safe between my home and xerox or va. it is a combination of my own fear and how much of this fear is my own mental health, being a woman , or transgendered woman? I think most of it is being a woman and to learn all of this on my own has been real a challenge.
I wanted to let you know you have helped me when you may not know you are helping.
again thank you
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