hi,
I really have not spoken of my strong views on god except when it is weaved in my blog. the fact is that without the spiritual women in my life and god I would would be dead or would have attempted suicide many times over. Nearly all of my friends are spiritual women and each one them help me in my journey. we , myself and the women in my life, have altered my life on hormones and thus really that is the real x factor on hormones that few are privileged to experience.
also the fact is I am committed to my beliefs , just like joan of arc, I am prepared to die and become a martyr. this level of commitment also changes my experience on hormones, so many things have changed my journey. I pretended who I was far too long and with god's good grace and guidance I will make this journey larger than life. My destiny was determined long ago. Those who believe in God understand and others will come along for the journey of life with the followers of God
I usual have a long blog entry but this artist says so much more than I could with her voice and words. I was so deeply touched by this video but guided to the artist by a dear friend. I am sure it was an accident I was guided here? lol there are no coincidences in life nor in my journey and it is proof positive god lives in all of us.
thank you to god and all the spiritual women in my life. I am crying now because i am so lucky to have found god that was with me all of my life.
rachel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZvZWUZFevI&list=LLc8dChWdbSxWn7OKYGZoanw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z29olPjFbqg&list=LLc8dChWdbSxWn7OKYGZoanw
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Rachel it is like you are on your peroid every day
hi
I am trying to cope with the mode swings and mental illness that has been caused by gender identification disorder. let's be honest the depression of 40 plus years will not go away because I am on hormones. now I have to cope with all the issues that have plagued me for 4 plus decades.
I get up crying everyday because I now realize I have been sick mentally and physically for nearly 50 years. the physically illness is one issue and the mental illness is associated with and comes with the physical component is coupled with the physical part.
What I am saying is that every thought, actions etc of my past, would include decades ago to months ago, becomes more and more clear, vivid that it is overwhelming in my brain. the estrogen improves the neural connections in the brain and my experiences increases the effective strength of the drug which compounds the challenges to just survive the day.
excuse me but the bull shit told by other transgendered women is just that bull shit. I have talked to transgendered women and I have zero in common because of my prospective of how to solve problems . I take a problem on directly. I don't pretend there is not a problem. I either go full force or not at all. i am truly an all or none woman. there is no in between for me and this is a really a plus but could be the death of me to because of this disease.
i realize I cannot cut this thing between my legs off nor commit suicide because It would not resolve the issue. either one of the above would be quitting. i don't quit I find a way to get what I want to be blunt. this disease however I am learning I have been working on for nearly 40 plus years.
I was thinking this morning about an email I wrote and wow it hit me . I use to have women caress me lightly all over and I thought that was to get me sexually aroused. wow I was wrong and it was because of who I was inside and I/she was struggling to come out and did not know how to until recently. when I am stressed , nearly ready to break, or worse close to panic attack I will lightly caress my body or run a finger nail lightly over one arm.
when you learn this in the middle of a crisis and have to figure this out on your own because an entire subculture will not talk about it to the public nor the doctors that treat them it is overwhelming challenge. (there are really no words to describe my frustration because of the wall of silence on hormones) . if anyone thinks like me I have not met them nor have the people I talk to in pubic nor the doctors that treat me.. therefore how can a doctor help me? how can the public understand? I think you get my point and it is I am frustrated because others will not talk and expect everyone to understand. this is not a rational way to approach any problem and especially one that is as severe as this , gender.
I realize i am opening up a wound that is deep and could literally kill me. but I was honestly dead two years ago but did not realize it. i was eating myself to death , depressed and practically locked myself in my apartment unless I had to go out to get something or go out to eat. this was not life but an clearly just existing in a body without any hope. now today I am so much different but on the threshold of death's door at times because when coming out of depression one is more likely to commit suicide . I learned this in psychology class at penn state and have remember this all of these years.
this is me and I acknowledge this openly and by doing this I have a better chance of survival. I put on the table that suicide, depression, surgery is necessary, facial surgery, breast implants etc everything. I take on issues head on and don't pretend this gives me a different prospective and gives me a chance to survive this disease. for example within the transgendered community others pretend the anus is the vagina. my prospective of this is that you are pretending and by doing this you are doing further damage to your mental health and ability to move forward in life and your personal journey.
the pretending for me stopped the first week of estrogen. I know what is between my legs needs to be addressed and removed asap. but the challenge is the mental illness associated with the disease. the question is can I heal mentally before the surgery and will I mental break in the process? I have a good chance of beating this disease but I have never been challenged like this in my life. I would rather die then go back to who I was pretending to be.
others want to pretend and hide all the secrets I talk about and shame on them . i realize others are not as strong as me but the damage you are doing to your mental health by the wall of silence is killing you and I know a lot about this. if you hide all that I know about this disease you probably are already dead and don't know it. why? you are just existing and in your own fantasy world like I was for nearly 50 yrs.
who brought pulled me out of my fantasy world? the veteran administration hospital leadership when they opened the door for me to speak at the regional conference. what happened? my real world became bigger than any fantasy world in my head. this compelled me to think and move on in my life. i wish others could have the experience I have on hormones.
The anger of so many in the transgendered community has driven me away and I feel isolated because I cannot hate like others. I don't want to know what it is like to hate someone that had nothing to do with the disease I have had all of my life. I am color blind and have always treated people the same based on how you treat me. if you treat me nice I am your best friend and would do all I can to help you in your life. this is who rachel ir or don because I have the same heart.
God has given me a heart of gold and others see this and are drawn to me. i have the passion and heart of a woman that loves, cares deeply about others and don't understand the hate in the world. this might seem simple minded but the true difference in me may be my heart of love of humanity. there are so many good people in the world and I am drawn to them. this makes my journey so different and all the love of other women have guided me and protected me all of my life and I thank god for each one of them
thank you for allowing me to share
rachel
ps below is a link to the mental health issue associated with hormone in women; this article depicts me very well and why I could be so emotional all of time.
http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/yourmentalhealth/2013/02/05/hormones-and-womens-mental-healthhttp://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/yourmentalhealth/2013/02/05/hormones-and-womens-mental-health
I am trying to cope with the mode swings and mental illness that has been caused by gender identification disorder. let's be honest the depression of 40 plus years will not go away because I am on hormones. now I have to cope with all the issues that have plagued me for 4 plus decades.
I get up crying everyday because I now realize I have been sick mentally and physically for nearly 50 years. the physically illness is one issue and the mental illness is associated with and comes with the physical component is coupled with the physical part.
What I am saying is that every thought, actions etc of my past, would include decades ago to months ago, becomes more and more clear, vivid that it is overwhelming in my brain. the estrogen improves the neural connections in the brain and my experiences increases the effective strength of the drug which compounds the challenges to just survive the day.
excuse me but the bull shit told by other transgendered women is just that bull shit. I have talked to transgendered women and I have zero in common because of my prospective of how to solve problems . I take a problem on directly. I don't pretend there is not a problem. I either go full force or not at all. i am truly an all or none woman. there is no in between for me and this is a really a plus but could be the death of me to because of this disease.
i realize I cannot cut this thing between my legs off nor commit suicide because It would not resolve the issue. either one of the above would be quitting. i don't quit I find a way to get what I want to be blunt. this disease however I am learning I have been working on for nearly 40 plus years.
I was thinking this morning about an email I wrote and wow it hit me . I use to have women caress me lightly all over and I thought that was to get me sexually aroused. wow I was wrong and it was because of who I was inside and I/she was struggling to come out and did not know how to until recently. when I am stressed , nearly ready to break, or worse close to panic attack I will lightly caress my body or run a finger nail lightly over one arm.
when you learn this in the middle of a crisis and have to figure this out on your own because an entire subculture will not talk about it to the public nor the doctors that treat them it is overwhelming challenge. (there are really no words to describe my frustration because of the wall of silence on hormones) . if anyone thinks like me I have not met them nor have the people I talk to in pubic nor the doctors that treat me.. therefore how can a doctor help me? how can the public understand? I think you get my point and it is I am frustrated because others will not talk and expect everyone to understand. this is not a rational way to approach any problem and especially one that is as severe as this , gender.
I realize i am opening up a wound that is deep and could literally kill me. but I was honestly dead two years ago but did not realize it. i was eating myself to death , depressed and practically locked myself in my apartment unless I had to go out to get something or go out to eat. this was not life but an clearly just existing in a body without any hope. now today I am so much different but on the threshold of death's door at times because when coming out of depression one is more likely to commit suicide . I learned this in psychology class at penn state and have remember this all of these years.
this is me and I acknowledge this openly and by doing this I have a better chance of survival. I put on the table that suicide, depression, surgery is necessary, facial surgery, breast implants etc everything. I take on issues head on and don't pretend this gives me a different prospective and gives me a chance to survive this disease. for example within the transgendered community others pretend the anus is the vagina. my prospective of this is that you are pretending and by doing this you are doing further damage to your mental health and ability to move forward in life and your personal journey.
the pretending for me stopped the first week of estrogen. I know what is between my legs needs to be addressed and removed asap. but the challenge is the mental illness associated with the disease. the question is can I heal mentally before the surgery and will I mental break in the process? I have a good chance of beating this disease but I have never been challenged like this in my life. I would rather die then go back to who I was pretending to be.
others want to pretend and hide all the secrets I talk about and shame on them . i realize others are not as strong as me but the damage you are doing to your mental health by the wall of silence is killing you and I know a lot about this. if you hide all that I know about this disease you probably are already dead and don't know it. why? you are just existing and in your own fantasy world like I was for nearly 50 yrs.
who brought pulled me out of my fantasy world? the veteran administration hospital leadership when they opened the door for me to speak at the regional conference. what happened? my real world became bigger than any fantasy world in my head. this compelled me to think and move on in my life. i wish others could have the experience I have on hormones.
The anger of so many in the transgendered community has driven me away and I feel isolated because I cannot hate like others. I don't want to know what it is like to hate someone that had nothing to do with the disease I have had all of my life. I am color blind and have always treated people the same based on how you treat me. if you treat me nice I am your best friend and would do all I can to help you in your life. this is who rachel ir or don because I have the same heart.
God has given me a heart of gold and others see this and are drawn to me. i have the passion and heart of a woman that loves, cares deeply about others and don't understand the hate in the world. this might seem simple minded but the true difference in me may be my heart of love of humanity. there are so many good people in the world and I am drawn to them. this makes my journey so different and all the love of other women have guided me and protected me all of my life and I thank god for each one of them
thank you for allowing me to share
rachel
ps below is a link to the mental health issue associated with hormone in women; this article depicts me very well and why I could be so emotional all of time.
http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/yourmentalhealth/2013/02/05/hormones-and-womens-mental-healthhttp://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/yourmentalhealth/2013/02/05/hormones-and-womens-mental-health
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
rachel's thoughts on syria.... from a marine's prospective and not what most would think
hi I thought today I would share a piece of my feeling on more than my gender
Syria? no matter my opinion on syria as a marine I know we are what is know as " the president's own" and can be engaged in combat for up to 90 days without congress' approval. my opinion is we have fought enough wars in foreign countries and I have seen the longterm effects combat of veterans at the portland va. I never was in combat but I was outside iran in 79 and because of the failed attempt to rescue the hostages the go ahead was never given by president carter. in my heart I wish we would have been the go to rescue the hostages. this weighs heavy on my heart even today. but in syria there are no hostages and what is the truth ? is this worth filling more body bags of our young men and women? I hope this president weighs all of this unlike the criteria that was used to go into iraq. this is my thoughts on syria
fyi had I been in combat I would been a different woman. as a vietnam veteran told me long ago ... combat changes you and one sees the cruelty that mankind imposes on another human being. my point of view is that that young man or woman that is killed in combat could have been the next president or an Einstein or who knows a rachel or one of you.......
I am a marine but believe that only when all alternative are exhausted should one use the military option.... the problem is every war or conflict is decided upon political and profit ..... question? how much money this corp america make in iraq........ billions................. and how many young men and women came back in body bags............
i have a strong opinion of war and packing our young men and women in body bags for profit of corps
Syria? no matter my opinion on syria as a marine I know we are what is know as " the president's own" and can be engaged in combat for up to 90 days without congress' approval. my opinion is we have fought enough wars in foreign countries and I have seen the longterm effects combat of veterans at the portland va. I never was in combat but I was outside iran in 79 and because of the failed attempt to rescue the hostages the go ahead was never given by president carter. in my heart I wish we would have been the go to rescue the hostages. this weighs heavy on my heart even today. but in syria there are no hostages and what is the truth ? is this worth filling more body bags of our young men and women? I hope this president weighs all of this unlike the criteria that was used to go into iraq. this is my thoughts on syria
fyi had I been in combat I would been a different woman. as a vietnam veteran told me long ago ... combat changes you and one sees the cruelty that mankind imposes on another human being. my point of view is that that young man or woman that is killed in combat could have been the next president or an Einstein or who knows a rachel or one of you.......
I am a marine but believe that only when all alternative are exhausted should one use the military option.... the problem is every war or conflict is decided upon political and profit ..... question? how much money this corp america make in iraq........ billions................. and how many young men and women came back in body bags............
i have a strong opinion of war and packing our young men and women in body bags for profit of corps
Monday, August 26, 2013
the hell on hormones and why i cry each morning
I have stalled enough on the tough issues of estrogen and hormone replacement therapy. What is it really like in my head and mind at my lowest points on estrogen? What tears at my heart and why? (why for a later time but when and how tonight)
Every day I get into the shower and I dread the feeling and thoughts that will cause me to cry, cry and cry. I bathe my upper body and feel so feminine and alive. Then I have to bathe between my legs. This nearly brings me to my knees because I know what is between my legs is wrong and I cannot fix it now. I cry , cry and cry some more then I finish bathing and shampooing my hair which makes me feel so good and so much a woman . But then the feelings overwhelm me to the point I hold onto the top of the shower and cry a few more minutes. This happens every day of my life since month 23.
The problem is that the pain and effectiveness of the estrogen is increasing exponentially every day like it has since week one of treatment. I am holding on my a thread and one day I thought the thread broke about 2 weeks ago. I was lying in the middle of my living room floor , crawled up in a ball crying in the middle stretching exercises. What did I think?
I thought may be I would just lie there and die and starve to death and may be someone would find me in time. I thought nothing of anyone in my life nor my friends nor anyone. I wanted to die and make the pain go away. I wanted it so bad … the crying continued until I could not cry any longer.
Then I somehow pulled myself to my feet and slowly over about one hour I began to recover to some point. I was so exhausted emotionally and physically. It was like I had run 7 miles and had done many speeches back to back. I had nothing more to give and yet I was able to pull myself off the floor. This is the feeling of totally numbness. I felt nothing at the time.
I cry a lot every day and more every day. I started to cry each time I go to the bathroom two weeks ago even at work. I make sure no one sees me crying. But women can see other women’s eyes and one cannot hide the pain from another woman. Last week at work I came back from the bathroom where I had cried a lot and a woman asked me, “ are you ok?” I said, “ you can tell I was crying?” she said , “yes.” I told her I would be ok and then we began to talk about work etc. again the women came to my rescue in my time of need like they have for the last nearly 50 yrs. Fyi I had never talked to this woman at work prior to this day.
On estrogen I have found that all your questions about yourself and life will be answered because of how the drug works on the brain, more than likely. But the real question are you ready for all of the answers? I mean are you really ready to relive the demons and nightmares of your childhood through your adult life? Don’t get me wrong all of it is not bad but at it’s peak on estrogen you will have to deal with the demons.
The demons are triggered by smell, taste or anything you think about or experience.
I have found within the transgendered community that some , not sure of the percentage, have the perception that everyone and everything is to blame for their issues with gender. They mask their pain in anger and project it upon everyone and anything around them and some places it upon women. I am not one that will ever do that.
(I have never been one to say my therapist said this. I can make my own decisions and conclusions by myself. I might say that scientific research shows that x and this is my experience which is backed by the research. I am one driven and independent woman. and if you want to change my mind you have to tell me why and sell me on it. Like ziglar would say you sell me or I will sell you. )
The women in my life are the reason I am not dead. That is not an overstatement. Plus I do not have the capacity to hate no matter what people have done to me I cannot hate you. I don’t want to know what it is like to think like that ever in my life and hate people .
A woman recently said I know what makes you so different? I said what? She said people can see the love you share with everyone. She just said what I have been thinking for a long time. Even as child I said to myself I am color blind to race, gender, etc. I knew who I was long before I started estrogen.
I just don’t know what keeps me alive at times when his disease is tearing at heart more and more by the minute. I am crying so much now that I wonder if I can stay employed in any job. I work at a call center and that is anything but low stress. However I think that may be I am well suited for that job because it keeps me off balance in my life so I don’t have time to think too much about all that is tearing my heart to pieces.
But however recently I am crying in my cubicle at work on calls and in between calls. I really don’t know how to cope with all the emotions I am experiencing and furthermore how long I can go without mentally breaking.
About a month ago when I started to cry so much and the hormones started to rage 24/7 I asked myself if I should check myself into the Portland va mental hospital? Again somehow I was able to keep it together and make it through the day. How?
I believe with all my heart the answer is god, my life experiences, my education, and the women around me . Plus to be totally transparent I am on a mission to prove that a woman can go through all I have gone through and have surgery while employed and share her story. One woman told me , “ I get you Rachel you are out to prove you can do it better than anyone and three times better.” the woman was right.
The added stress I have placed on myself would break most people but not me. Why? Add the marines in the mix of all of the above and you probably will have an answer. In 1997 I was diagnosed with arthritis that was so bad that my daughter had to open jars for me and I could barely walk on my own with crutches. It took me two years of physical therapy and an experimental drug at the time enbrel for me to be able to walk again.
I simply don’t quit. I am unable to quit and to commit suicide and suicide would not solve my problem . Do I still think of suicide at times? Yes ? Often no but yes I think of it at times. Anyone that is on hormones that says they don’t I would challenge them given my experience and talks with women like me.
I have been defiant since I was a kid. My mother would tell me “ Donald do because I said so.” I would say , “why.” she would say “ Donald I am warning you.” I still would ask why. This has nothing to do with my gender but everything to do with who I am . I want it all or nothing and I am going to it my way. I have learned to trust people while on estrogen and this has been pivotal in my success on the drug.
So fast forward to 1982 when I had to lost 50lbs so I could reenlist back into the marines. It was a cold January night around about 9 pm. The wind chill outside was -20 degrees Fahrenheit with ice on the ground. I told my mom I was going to run and would be back soon. “ she said, Donald you are crazy.” I ran 2 miles that night. I had a goal to lost 50 lbs in 5 months and in may of 1982 I reenlisted back into the marines.
I did not quit back then despite the odds and I will not quite now but make no doubt about it … I am in the fucken fight of my life and I need all the skills I have learned in 50 yrs which including what I learned in the marines and well beyond. But this time around I need help and I acknowledge that I will not survive without help.
Last week I had an added stressor as therapist would say. I was called in for a 2nd mammogram because there were potential problems. I will blog about it tomorrow. If you think estrogen is anything where you can give less then 100 percent it is best if you turn back now.
I have the support of so many that are leaders in society and I hold on by a thread almost every day.
My goal is go to Thailand late next year and have a live video feed of my surgery and recovery. I am determined to break down the walls of secrecy of the journey of the transgendered community. This will ensure that the next woman has a better chance of survival and the support that we all deserve. Far too many are of us are our worst enemies. Again my mother told me that many times in my life. She was right and it is sad we could not talk when she was alive.
Lastly A good friend of mine said, “ everyone deserves a kindness and love.” this woman means the world me and in my darkest hours and she and a few others held me up last week. I thought I was about to lose everything and their faith helped me through the week and it has never waived.
Thank you god for my friends
Rachel
Every day I get into the shower and I dread the feeling and thoughts that will cause me to cry, cry and cry. I bathe my upper body and feel so feminine and alive. Then I have to bathe between my legs. This nearly brings me to my knees because I know what is between my legs is wrong and I cannot fix it now. I cry , cry and cry some more then I finish bathing and shampooing my hair which makes me feel so good and so much a woman . But then the feelings overwhelm me to the point I hold onto the top of the shower and cry a few more minutes. This happens every day of my life since month 23.
The problem is that the pain and effectiveness of the estrogen is increasing exponentially every day like it has since week one of treatment. I am holding on my a thread and one day I thought the thread broke about 2 weeks ago. I was lying in the middle of my living room floor , crawled up in a ball crying in the middle stretching exercises. What did I think?
I thought may be I would just lie there and die and starve to death and may be someone would find me in time. I thought nothing of anyone in my life nor my friends nor anyone. I wanted to die and make the pain go away. I wanted it so bad … the crying continued until I could not cry any longer.
Then I somehow pulled myself to my feet and slowly over about one hour I began to recover to some point. I was so exhausted emotionally and physically. It was like I had run 7 miles and had done many speeches back to back. I had nothing more to give and yet I was able to pull myself off the floor. This is the feeling of totally numbness. I felt nothing at the time.
I cry a lot every day and more every day. I started to cry each time I go to the bathroom two weeks ago even at work. I make sure no one sees me crying. But women can see other women’s eyes and one cannot hide the pain from another woman. Last week at work I came back from the bathroom where I had cried a lot and a woman asked me, “ are you ok?” I said, “ you can tell I was crying?” she said , “yes.” I told her I would be ok and then we began to talk about work etc. again the women came to my rescue in my time of need like they have for the last nearly 50 yrs. Fyi I had never talked to this woman at work prior to this day.
On estrogen I have found that all your questions about yourself and life will be answered because of how the drug works on the brain, more than likely. But the real question are you ready for all of the answers? I mean are you really ready to relive the demons and nightmares of your childhood through your adult life? Don’t get me wrong all of it is not bad but at it’s peak on estrogen you will have to deal with the demons.
The demons are triggered by smell, taste or anything you think about or experience.
I have found within the transgendered community that some , not sure of the percentage, have the perception that everyone and everything is to blame for their issues with gender. They mask their pain in anger and project it upon everyone and anything around them and some places it upon women. I am not one that will ever do that.
(I have never been one to say my therapist said this. I can make my own decisions and conclusions by myself. I might say that scientific research shows that x and this is my experience which is backed by the research. I am one driven and independent woman. and if you want to change my mind you have to tell me why and sell me on it. Like ziglar would say you sell me or I will sell you. )
The women in my life are the reason I am not dead. That is not an overstatement. Plus I do not have the capacity to hate no matter what people have done to me I cannot hate you. I don’t want to know what it is like to think like that ever in my life and hate people .
A woman recently said I know what makes you so different? I said what? She said people can see the love you share with everyone. She just said what I have been thinking for a long time. Even as child I said to myself I am color blind to race, gender, etc. I knew who I was long before I started estrogen.
I just don’t know what keeps me alive at times when his disease is tearing at heart more and more by the minute. I am crying so much now that I wonder if I can stay employed in any job. I work at a call center and that is anything but low stress. However I think that may be I am well suited for that job because it keeps me off balance in my life so I don’t have time to think too much about all that is tearing my heart to pieces.
But however recently I am crying in my cubicle at work on calls and in between calls. I really don’t know how to cope with all the emotions I am experiencing and furthermore how long I can go without mentally breaking.
About a month ago when I started to cry so much and the hormones started to rage 24/7 I asked myself if I should check myself into the Portland va mental hospital? Again somehow I was able to keep it together and make it through the day. How?
I believe with all my heart the answer is god, my life experiences, my education, and the women around me . Plus to be totally transparent I am on a mission to prove that a woman can go through all I have gone through and have surgery while employed and share her story. One woman told me , “ I get you Rachel you are out to prove you can do it better than anyone and three times better.” the woman was right.
The added stress I have placed on myself would break most people but not me. Why? Add the marines in the mix of all of the above and you probably will have an answer. In 1997 I was diagnosed with arthritis that was so bad that my daughter had to open jars for me and I could barely walk on my own with crutches. It took me two years of physical therapy and an experimental drug at the time enbrel for me to be able to walk again.
I simply don’t quit. I am unable to quit and to commit suicide and suicide would not solve my problem . Do I still think of suicide at times? Yes ? Often no but yes I think of it at times. Anyone that is on hormones that says they don’t I would challenge them given my experience and talks with women like me.
I have been defiant since I was a kid. My mother would tell me “ Donald do because I said so.” I would say , “why.” she would say “ Donald I am warning you.” I still would ask why. This has nothing to do with my gender but everything to do with who I am . I want it all or nothing and I am going to it my way. I have learned to trust people while on estrogen and this has been pivotal in my success on the drug.
So fast forward to 1982 when I had to lost 50lbs so I could reenlist back into the marines. It was a cold January night around about 9 pm. The wind chill outside was -20 degrees Fahrenheit with ice on the ground. I told my mom I was going to run and would be back soon. “ she said, Donald you are crazy.” I ran 2 miles that night. I had a goal to lost 50 lbs in 5 months and in may of 1982 I reenlisted back into the marines.
I did not quit back then despite the odds and I will not quite now but make no doubt about it … I am in the fucken fight of my life and I need all the skills I have learned in 50 yrs which including what I learned in the marines and well beyond. But this time around I need help and I acknowledge that I will not survive without help.
Last week I had an added stressor as therapist would say. I was called in for a 2nd mammogram because there were potential problems. I will blog about it tomorrow. If you think estrogen is anything where you can give less then 100 percent it is best if you turn back now.
I have the support of so many that are leaders in society and I hold on by a thread almost every day.
My goal is go to Thailand late next year and have a live video feed of my surgery and recovery. I am determined to break down the walls of secrecy of the journey of the transgendered community. This will ensure that the next woman has a better chance of survival and the support that we all deserve. Far too many are of us are our worst enemies. Again my mother told me that many times in my life. She was right and it is sad we could not talk when she was alive.
Lastly A good friend of mine said, “ everyone deserves a kindness and love.” this woman means the world me and in my darkest hours and she and a few others held me up last week. I thought I was about to lose everything and their faith helped me through the week and it has never waived.
Thank you god for my friends
Rachel
Sunday, August 25, 2013
private email 2 and my goals in life
I am working at xerox as care representative where I earn enough plus a little more than expenses. so surgery is something that gives me hope and I really need that for without the hope I am done. I have a acquaintance that tells me if I can come up with 5k that she likely can push through a loan for 5k. but 10k is the minimum and this does not take into consideration the time to recover after surgery. I have done some research and recovery time is 2-6 mos.
men? i call that the 50/50 rule. I have found that half of men will hold the door for me and the other half is filled with sexual harassment and outright neglect to far end of the spectrum which is threatening physical harm. I personally had a great experience xerox with a man that was in a leadership position that changed my prospective in men. he promoted and supported me whole heartedly after the promotion. he is trying to bring me to back for a short assignment because I am very good at projects where crisis management and delivering results are needed and that is me. This strong woman hid her talents for far too long .
I have gone through periods of depression which have included thoughts of suicide but because of the people around me and hope each give me the thoughts were no more than a passing thought.(but intense as hell at times) the women around me don't allow enabling in fact the men and women around me hold me accountable in a very sensitive way. I have found this is true in the va, xerox and other organizations within portland. I believe all this is possible because I want it all or nothing. the risk is I may not survive the journey but the women around me will not allow me to go into a dark space and not come out.
also the self destructive behaviors of the past are slowing being removed and this process is not an easy one . it has challenged in the moment to help me heal. in fact I just came from a new friends house and she used the word he to refer to me when we first met. what i realized is that once i am triggered I go into a space and build up barriers that will allow no one to get through effectively isolating from the world. I explained this to her and what was going on and told exactly how I felt. it was scary and in the moment I nearly crashed again. the time it takes me to process and heal is almost in the moment which is the key, in my opinion, to healing the heart and soul.
the event today with my new friends pushed me into a thoughts of suicide but I realized that when coming out of depression one is most prone to attempted suicide or suicide . I learned this in dr. cornwell's psychology class at penn state many years ago. my ability to access information so far back is a true asset and has helped me not only survive but thrive. I have found that the more I am challenged the more effective the estrogen becomes which pushes me to the edge at times.. I know this because I get a head rush and nearly pass out but I have learned to stay calm and let it pass knowing I am growing and healing faster and faster.
my ability to think in the middle of a crisis , think rationally , access or research information, process and change my behavior in the moment is critical in my healing. this is the core concept of dialectical behavior theory. applying what I have learned over the years will not assure my success and healing but will increase my ability to heal. I have been successful to this point because I allow myself to be extremely vulnerable and trust the women around me .
I have learned that my surgery is only part of the process and if I can keep it in prospective, which is really difficult, I will make it to the other side of fence and arrive a sexy, healthy and happy woman. like joan of arc I am wiling to risk my life because I would rather die than live how i have for the first 50 years.
and to quote zig ziglar if you think you can or can't you are probably right. he also says that someone without goals is like a ship without a rudder. my sales career has drastically altered my experience on hormones. my long term goal is to set up a international trading company and broker commodities such as oil , corn etc. I want my life and will settle for no less than a leadership role in society.
I have been blessed to have so many good women around me and I am still a bit perplexed how one man slipped through my all women network. the truth is I don't have transgendered , lesbian, gay or white, black friends but I have only friends. this man helped me through the crisis of my life at xerox and stood by me and helped me heal like so many others. he is a man of character and just does not talk the talk but walks the walk. his prospective is my gender disorder is a birth defect. a man that gets this is rare I think.
thank you
rachel
men? i call that the 50/50 rule. I have found that half of men will hold the door for me and the other half is filled with sexual harassment and outright neglect to far end of the spectrum which is threatening physical harm. I personally had a great experience xerox with a man that was in a leadership position that changed my prospective in men. he promoted and supported me whole heartedly after the promotion. he is trying to bring me to back for a short assignment because I am very good at projects where crisis management and delivering results are needed and that is me. This strong woman hid her talents for far too long .
I have gone through periods of depression which have included thoughts of suicide but because of the people around me and hope each give me the thoughts were no more than a passing thought.(but intense as hell at times) the women around me don't allow enabling in fact the men and women around me hold me accountable in a very sensitive way. I have found this is true in the va, xerox and other organizations within portland. I believe all this is possible because I want it all or nothing. the risk is I may not survive the journey but the women around me will not allow me to go into a dark space and not come out.
also the self destructive behaviors of the past are slowing being removed and this process is not an easy one . it has challenged in the moment to help me heal. in fact I just came from a new friends house and she used the word he to refer to me when we first met. what i realized is that once i am triggered I go into a space and build up barriers that will allow no one to get through effectively isolating from the world. I explained this to her and what was going on and told exactly how I felt. it was scary and in the moment I nearly crashed again. the time it takes me to process and heal is almost in the moment which is the key, in my opinion, to healing the heart and soul.
the event today with my new friends pushed me into a thoughts of suicide but I realized that when coming out of depression one is most prone to attempted suicide or suicide . I learned this in dr. cornwell's psychology class at penn state many years ago. my ability to access information so far back is a true asset and has helped me not only survive but thrive. I have found that the more I am challenged the more effective the estrogen becomes which pushes me to the edge at times.. I know this because I get a head rush and nearly pass out but I have learned to stay calm and let it pass knowing I am growing and healing faster and faster.
my ability to think in the middle of a crisis , think rationally , access or research information, process and change my behavior in the moment is critical in my healing. this is the core concept of dialectical behavior theory. applying what I have learned over the years will not assure my success and healing but will increase my ability to heal. I have been successful to this point because I allow myself to be extremely vulnerable and trust the women around me .
I have learned that my surgery is only part of the process and if I can keep it in prospective, which is really difficult, I will make it to the other side of fence and arrive a sexy, healthy and happy woman. like joan of arc I am wiling to risk my life because I would rather die than live how i have for the first 50 years.
and to quote zig ziglar if you think you can or can't you are probably right. he also says that someone without goals is like a ship without a rudder. my sales career has drastically altered my experience on hormones. my long term goal is to set up a international trading company and broker commodities such as oil , corn etc. I want my life and will settle for no less than a leadership role in society.
I have been blessed to have so many good women around me and I am still a bit perplexed how one man slipped through my all women network. the truth is I don't have transgendered , lesbian, gay or white, black friends but I have only friends. this man helped me through the crisis of my life at xerox and stood by me and helped me heal like so many others. he is a man of character and just does not talk the talk but walks the walk. his prospective is my gender disorder is a birth defect. a man that gets this is rare I think.
thank you
rachel
private email and my private thoughts, beliefs
edited email to .....
I hope you had a great week. I am off sun and monday from work.
I did not bring anyone from my former life sadly. I hope in time my will understand and embrace me. it is not a easy journey but one worth it. I have had highs I never dreamt at xerox, va and within the community.
I have found that opening up my heart was the key to healing my soul. I also believe facing the demons from the past and healing was critical in my growth. I have come to learn that surgery is just part of the process and having goals beyond surgery is critical in my opinion. I with all my heart believe that surgery will not heal my soul because that will come from within.
I believe there is a window of opportunity where one must seize the dream and go for the surgery but if one get the surgery before mentally healing it could be dangerous. I honestly have one transgendered friend. I have had the courage to reach out to people and understand I don't have black, white or glbt friends but just friends.
in all honesty my friends are predominately heterosexual women that are spiritual. I would not trade one of my friends who has stood with me while facing my demons . they mean the world to me and it just so happens all but a few are women. the same kinda women I grew up with.
this is my experience and email when you can
take care and thank you
I hope you had a great week. I am off sun and monday from work.
I did not bring anyone from my former life sadly. I hope in time my will understand and embrace me. it is not a easy journey but one worth it. I have had highs I never dreamt at xerox, va and within the community.
I have found that opening up my heart was the key to healing my soul. I also believe facing the demons from the past and healing was critical in my growth. I have come to learn that surgery is just part of the process and having goals beyond surgery is critical in my opinion. I with all my heart believe that surgery will not heal my soul because that will come from within.
I believe there is a window of opportunity where one must seize the dream and go for the surgery but if one get the surgery before mentally healing it could be dangerous. I honestly have one transgendered friend. I have had the courage to reach out to people and understand I don't have black, white or glbt friends but just friends.
in all honesty my friends are predominately heterosexual women that are spiritual. I would not trade one of my friends who has stood with me while facing my demons . they mean the world to me and it just so happens all but a few are women. the same kinda women I grew up with.
this is my experience and email when you can
take care and thank you
Monday, August 19, 2013
thank you to my friends at xerox and a more positive story on hormones tonight
please forgive the grammar mistakes i will proof read the blog tomorrow it is 3 am here now
thank you
rachel
I have a hard time deciding what to put in my blog since my life moves so fast. A friend of mine once said , “ Rachel, you have to have scorecard to keep up.” She is so right.
I could talk tonight about the two men that followed me home and how I pulled out my mace. Or I could talk about the other events that happened since I am Portland that were either verbal, physical or emotional assault. I have focused on a lot of the negative events in my life so let me show you a glimpse of the good life I have in Portland.
I will talk about the negative issues another time. First, I would like to talk about my perspective of how lucky I am to have had so many opportunities in my life. Today I was wondering why I have had so much success in such a short time on hormones. The answer is that the process started decades ago.
Why do I say this? I thought of what advantage did I have over any other homeless person in Portland, Oregon? Yes I was homeless and lived in a women’s shelter for six weeks followed by a transitional homeless project for 2 yrs. But what did I bring into Portland that others do not process? The answer came to me quickly as most answer do since I started hormones. ( you cannot hide your emotions, who you are or the true you on hormones) The answer is my education and experiences in life.
I was educated at Pennsylvania State University arguably one of the best universities in America. But how did I fund such a Endeavour? The answer is the United States Marine corps. The marines, veteran’s administration , paid nearly $20, 000.00 over a four year period between 1984-88. That was half of the total cost to attend Penn State University.
But how did I decide to go into the marines ? Well , I was in band in high school and a band member had enlisted in the marines and ask me to join too? I thought all of 2 seconds before saying yes. Why? I wanted to go to Penn State and I wanted to travel and that was what the marines promoted. However, I received much more than I bargained for , much more.
So on October 17, 1976 I enlisted on delayed entry into the marines and went through boot camp on July 19, 1977. I was in platoon 2088. As a marine there are things you don’t forget and the above are a couple of them. My father motivated me by saying, “ there is no way you will make it through boot camp.” I think he understood me better than I did myself at the time. My attend was that of a typical teenager at the time,” I show my dad that he is wrong.” I graduated from boot camp in parris island , south carolina in October 1977.
I served in the marines for 2 tours for a total of nearly 6 years and was a sergeant when I was honorably discharged. My last position in the marines with that of a communications center supervisor. The marines have a sick sense of humor and they had place me in charge of all of my friends. It all worked out and I never management my friends like most marines were trained to do. Again , I did things my way and me and my friends were the number one watch at the base telecommunications center.
I have always been defiant and do things my way despite advice unless you can show me your way is a better way , “I am going to it my way.” This defiance has followed me all of my life and especially on hormones. I knew before I spoke at the regional veterans’s administration conference that I was defying an entire subculture. I knew it was the right thing to do and followed my heart like I have for all of my life.
Like us we american’s say , “ the marines was ground zero for me.” I risked everything to leave a small town and live my life as I sought to and on my own terms. I have been successful and I have met some fantastic men and women on my journey.
Back to my advantage moving from homelessness to working a large corporation while in transitional housing project. The combination of my sales career, my education, raising my daughter, and life experience were a distinct advantage in moving from homelessness to independence in 2 short years in Portland. Also my passion and ability to draw others toward me to help me cannot be discounted either. Put all of these skills sets together and you have one unique woman, Rachel Reid.
What I did not know is that the leadership and skills I learned in the marines would be utilized like never before in my life. Us marines have this saying, lead , follow or get the fuck out of way. When I was in the Marines I laughed at that phrase thinking that is not me but on hormones it is me and much more.
When leadership was/is lacking the transgendered community I stepped forward when few, if any, would dare speak from their heart in front of so many in veteran hospitals. Like wise at Xerox no one was willing to stick their neck out and offer a solution to issue that was crippling a company. I did all of this while I was technically homeless . Who would dare, a marine. I am more of a marine than I thought. Further more when I asked for the authority to lead at Xerox I practically asked them to fire me. I said, “ give me the authority to improve sales and if I fail you can fire me.” I knew there was a woman inside me but never thought in a million years she was this damn strong and driven.
Ground zero for me on hormones was February 2012. Again on hormones you cannot hide the reality of your world like you have in the past. You see things as they really are not how you want them to be. So in February of 2012 a woman had faith in me and risked maybe not her career but at some level a lot to give me the opportunity to speak in front of 50 directors and deputy director of a the four state region of Alaska, Idaho, Oregon and Washington. The faith in me was unparalleled and gave me the courage and strength to step forward when the opportunity presented itself at Xerox.
I have been validated by the Va health system, Xerox and so many in the Portland community which has altered the my experience on hormones. It is my theory because of my experience on hormones is so different this had effected the overall experience on hormones. So many men and women have pulled me out of isolation in a sudden and dramatic way that this has altered the effectiveness of estrogen and increased the effectiveness of the drug.
I risked so much and my all or none way of doing things worked but surrounding myself with the wrong people could have meant total failure and maybe even a suicide attempt. But this never happened since , for the first time in my life, I openly trusted so many so deeply and risked it all knowing there was no way I could take on this disease by myself. I had done enough research to know I was in the fight of my life. If I did not I did the 2nd week when I started to become left hand dominant.
In the 2nd week I visualized a comparison on hormones to be placed in an never ending roller coaster. To this day it scares me because I don’t know if I can handle , over the long haul, the exponential grown and challenges of this drug. Since , again, no one talks about it openly and honestly I have more questions every day than answers.
I know how powerful this drug is first hand. I cry and I am crying now because I am so , so scared and I have no idea what the future holds. I know so many people care about me and have faith in me to help others . But my deepest fear is what if? One day I wake up and because of the drug I consciously am in so much shock it affects my memory. Is this a real concern? I have no idea since there is no long term studies to guide the doctors nor any open conversations . I have asked a few transgendered women why doesn’t the community talk opening about estrogen and the effects of the drug? I get the same answer every time. “ I don’t know.” I know I will not toe the party line and will talk all I can about this drug so I can be one of the one’s that makes it through the journey.
I have been trained by the best the marines and I can honestly tell you that the marine boot camp is like a vacation compared to hormones. That is no joke. My hormones are raging 24/7 each and every day with no let up now. This 24/7 effect started on month 23.
Lastly, the key to making through the journey is blending the past with the present but how to do this I don’t know yet. I think so many want to forget they were born with male anatomy in the transgendered community. To me that would mean I would have to forget the memories of the marines and traveling to 8 countries by the time I was 20, my years and experiences at penn state university, my sales career and most of all my time raising my daughter. I would never forget my daughter and all the friends I made all the way in the first 50 years. This is the real challenge is blending the past with present and it is a painful process since you have to relive so much and at times I think why did I have to wait so long.
The answer to that questions is I had to know it was safe to be the woman of my dreams. I want to arrive alive not dead like some however the reality is that people would like to harm or kill a woman like me just for the pleasure of doing so. I have seen statistics of concerning this years ago which profiled that most attackers are two men between 20-25 years old. So when the two men following me home after dark fall into this category it scared me so much. What did I do when I closed my apartment door? I cried and cried asking why ?
Again the answer came to me there is not reason why and because of my constant blogging and speeches /conversations I quickly acknowledged that I would rather ended up dead by the hands of an attacker then die a slow death in isolation in my apartment. The fact is I risk my life every time I leave my apartment and there is nothing I can do to change some people. I can only control me. This is easier said then done and much easier to say.
I am one of the most sensitive , soft spoken women you would every meet in your life. I changed for society for so many year thus I will stay sensitive and cry so much and embrace the pain so I can heal and then I can heal others. There are many good people in the world and I seek to meet more of you via the net and in person.
I updated my face book and other social network today. I know I am changing every day and it is not easy when your perception of the world changes by the hour.
I have not talked about Xerox much in my blog but honestly there are two people that in my darkest hours along with the va that saved my life. Without these two people I might have committed suicide . Many think that corp america does care and this is so far from the truth. Xerox management could have looked the other way and perhaps there is an argument that the corp backed me because my plan to increase sales. But given my emotion state of mind at the time I doubt a risk manager would have said stay with Rachel she will pull out and move forward.
What many do not know is that I resigned twice in a 4 day period at Xerox because of my own issues and each time management at Xerox said , “ are you sure you want to resign.”
Who ever would have dreamt that the va health care system and Xerox would be in their corner in their darkest hours on hormones? Not me .
Thank you to the man and woman at xerox that helped me pull through my darkest hours.
God bless
rachel
thank you
rachel
I have a hard time deciding what to put in my blog since my life moves so fast. A friend of mine once said , “ Rachel, you have to have scorecard to keep up.” She is so right.
I could talk tonight about the two men that followed me home and how I pulled out my mace. Or I could talk about the other events that happened since I am Portland that were either verbal, physical or emotional assault. I have focused on a lot of the negative events in my life so let me show you a glimpse of the good life I have in Portland.
I will talk about the negative issues another time. First, I would like to talk about my perspective of how lucky I am to have had so many opportunities in my life. Today I was wondering why I have had so much success in such a short time on hormones. The answer is that the process started decades ago.
Why do I say this? I thought of what advantage did I have over any other homeless person in Portland, Oregon? Yes I was homeless and lived in a women’s shelter for six weeks followed by a transitional homeless project for 2 yrs. But what did I bring into Portland that others do not process? The answer came to me quickly as most answer do since I started hormones. ( you cannot hide your emotions, who you are or the true you on hormones) The answer is my education and experiences in life.
I was educated at Pennsylvania State University arguably one of the best universities in America. But how did I fund such a Endeavour? The answer is the United States Marine corps. The marines, veteran’s administration , paid nearly $20, 000.00 over a four year period between 1984-88. That was half of the total cost to attend Penn State University.
But how did I decide to go into the marines ? Well , I was in band in high school and a band member had enlisted in the marines and ask me to join too? I thought all of 2 seconds before saying yes. Why? I wanted to go to Penn State and I wanted to travel and that was what the marines promoted. However, I received much more than I bargained for , much more.
So on October 17, 1976 I enlisted on delayed entry into the marines and went through boot camp on July 19, 1977. I was in platoon 2088. As a marine there are things you don’t forget and the above are a couple of them. My father motivated me by saying, “ there is no way you will make it through boot camp.” I think he understood me better than I did myself at the time. My attend was that of a typical teenager at the time,” I show my dad that he is wrong.” I graduated from boot camp in parris island , south carolina in October 1977.
I served in the marines for 2 tours for a total of nearly 6 years and was a sergeant when I was honorably discharged. My last position in the marines with that of a communications center supervisor. The marines have a sick sense of humor and they had place me in charge of all of my friends. It all worked out and I never management my friends like most marines were trained to do. Again , I did things my way and me and my friends were the number one watch at the base telecommunications center.
I have always been defiant and do things my way despite advice unless you can show me your way is a better way , “I am going to it my way.” This defiance has followed me all of my life and especially on hormones. I knew before I spoke at the regional veterans’s administration conference that I was defying an entire subculture. I knew it was the right thing to do and followed my heart like I have for all of my life.
Like us we american’s say , “ the marines was ground zero for me.” I risked everything to leave a small town and live my life as I sought to and on my own terms. I have been successful and I have met some fantastic men and women on my journey.
Back to my advantage moving from homelessness to working a large corporation while in transitional housing project. The combination of my sales career, my education, raising my daughter, and life experience were a distinct advantage in moving from homelessness to independence in 2 short years in Portland. Also my passion and ability to draw others toward me to help me cannot be discounted either. Put all of these skills sets together and you have one unique woman, Rachel Reid.
What I did not know is that the leadership and skills I learned in the marines would be utilized like never before in my life. Us marines have this saying, lead , follow or get the fuck out of way. When I was in the Marines I laughed at that phrase thinking that is not me but on hormones it is me and much more.
When leadership was/is lacking the transgendered community I stepped forward when few, if any, would dare speak from their heart in front of so many in veteran hospitals. Like wise at Xerox no one was willing to stick their neck out and offer a solution to issue that was crippling a company. I did all of this while I was technically homeless . Who would dare, a marine. I am more of a marine than I thought. Further more when I asked for the authority to lead at Xerox I practically asked them to fire me. I said, “ give me the authority to improve sales and if I fail you can fire me.” I knew there was a woman inside me but never thought in a million years she was this damn strong and driven.
Ground zero for me on hormones was February 2012. Again on hormones you cannot hide the reality of your world like you have in the past. You see things as they really are not how you want them to be. So in February of 2012 a woman had faith in me and risked maybe not her career but at some level a lot to give me the opportunity to speak in front of 50 directors and deputy director of a the four state region of Alaska, Idaho, Oregon and Washington. The faith in me was unparalleled and gave me the courage and strength to step forward when the opportunity presented itself at Xerox.
I have been validated by the Va health system, Xerox and so many in the Portland community which has altered the my experience on hormones. It is my theory because of my experience on hormones is so different this had effected the overall experience on hormones. So many men and women have pulled me out of isolation in a sudden and dramatic way that this has altered the effectiveness of estrogen and increased the effectiveness of the drug.
I risked so much and my all or none way of doing things worked but surrounding myself with the wrong people could have meant total failure and maybe even a suicide attempt. But this never happened since , for the first time in my life, I openly trusted so many so deeply and risked it all knowing there was no way I could take on this disease by myself. I had done enough research to know I was in the fight of my life. If I did not I did the 2nd week when I started to become left hand dominant.
In the 2nd week I visualized a comparison on hormones to be placed in an never ending roller coaster. To this day it scares me because I don’t know if I can handle , over the long haul, the exponential grown and challenges of this drug. Since , again, no one talks about it openly and honestly I have more questions every day than answers.
I know how powerful this drug is first hand. I cry and I am crying now because I am so , so scared and I have no idea what the future holds. I know so many people care about me and have faith in me to help others . But my deepest fear is what if? One day I wake up and because of the drug I consciously am in so much shock it affects my memory. Is this a real concern? I have no idea since there is no long term studies to guide the doctors nor any open conversations . I have asked a few transgendered women why doesn’t the community talk opening about estrogen and the effects of the drug? I get the same answer every time. “ I don’t know.” I know I will not toe the party line and will talk all I can about this drug so I can be one of the one’s that makes it through the journey.
I have been trained by the best the marines and I can honestly tell you that the marine boot camp is like a vacation compared to hormones. That is no joke. My hormones are raging 24/7 each and every day with no let up now. This 24/7 effect started on month 23.
Lastly, the key to making through the journey is blending the past with the present but how to do this I don’t know yet. I think so many want to forget they were born with male anatomy in the transgendered community. To me that would mean I would have to forget the memories of the marines and traveling to 8 countries by the time I was 20, my years and experiences at penn state university, my sales career and most of all my time raising my daughter. I would never forget my daughter and all the friends I made all the way in the first 50 years. This is the real challenge is blending the past with present and it is a painful process since you have to relive so much and at times I think why did I have to wait so long.
The answer to that questions is I had to know it was safe to be the woman of my dreams. I want to arrive alive not dead like some however the reality is that people would like to harm or kill a woman like me just for the pleasure of doing so. I have seen statistics of concerning this years ago which profiled that most attackers are two men between 20-25 years old. So when the two men following me home after dark fall into this category it scared me so much. What did I do when I closed my apartment door? I cried and cried asking why ?
Again the answer came to me there is not reason why and because of my constant blogging and speeches /conversations I quickly acknowledged that I would rather ended up dead by the hands of an attacker then die a slow death in isolation in my apartment. The fact is I risk my life every time I leave my apartment and there is nothing I can do to change some people. I can only control me. This is easier said then done and much easier to say.
I am one of the most sensitive , soft spoken women you would every meet in your life. I changed for society for so many year thus I will stay sensitive and cry so much and embrace the pain so I can heal and then I can heal others. There are many good people in the world and I seek to meet more of you via the net and in person.
I updated my face book and other social network today. I know I am changing every day and it is not easy when your perception of the world changes by the hour.
I have not talked about Xerox much in my blog but honestly there are two people that in my darkest hours along with the va that saved my life. Without these two people I might have committed suicide . Many think that corp america does care and this is so far from the truth. Xerox management could have looked the other way and perhaps there is an argument that the corp backed me because my plan to increase sales. But given my emotion state of mind at the time I doubt a risk manager would have said stay with Rachel she will pull out and move forward.
What many do not know is that I resigned twice in a 4 day period at Xerox because of my own issues and each time management at Xerox said , “ are you sure you want to resign.”
Who ever would have dreamt that the va health care system and Xerox would be in their corner in their darkest hours on hormones? Not me .
Thank you to the man and woman at xerox that helped me pull through my darkest hours.
God bless
rachel
Sunday, August 18, 2013
my facebook about me and my goals
I moved to portland via altoona pa a little over two yeas ago. I absolutely love it in Portland and seek to become the voice of reason from and seek to promote change through conversations with the decision makers not only in the va but within society. this will ensure there is longterm change in society.
first, and foremost, i seek to remove labels so we see each other as a human being . I have friends, I don't have transgendered friends, black nor white, nor male or female. I just have friends.
My heart and soul is committed to speaking creating a bridge between the transgendered community and society. however I have found that some within the community seek to divide and isolate by saying " you are don't know what it is like as transgendered woman." I firmly believe that we have more in common than simply gender. I look at the big picture and open my heart up and understand I risk much but I have gained so many friends by opening up my heart.
I was privileged and honored to speak at a regional Veteran Health Care conference February 2012. I also spoke in october 2012 at another va hospital where over 100 staff and others were in attendance.
http://www.southernoregon.va.gov/docs/Sourcespringrr2013r.pdf
(page 6)
My goal is to put myself front and center, marine thing, so people can see people are just people with so much more in common than gender. the largest sex organ is the brain. question who get to define who or what a woman is ?
thank god for the women in my life.
rachel
facebook post today and quote from sir winston churchill
my latest posting from facebook and will write in blog tonight too
you have enemies? good you stood for something in your life.
sir winston churchill
I have made friends in my journey and god knows I have made enemies by speaking out about my experiences. in all honesty my allies are women and many within my subculture have clashed about this issue to the point I was removed from a transgendered facebook community.
this is/was hurtful but I will not compromise principals and my friends, allies, and loved ones , the women , of my life to toe some party line that is self destructive. in my darkest hours when so many in my community turned their backs on me the women in my life held me and protected me from my worst enemy me. the debt i owe women goes back to when I was a kid. Girls would literally, at times, put her body between me and the men bullying me.
the women in my life have given me the strength and courage to lead in a community where leadership is lacking. this has lead to my strength to push for leadership role within the va community, xerox and in my private life.
god bless the women from the bottom of my heart
rachel
you have enemies? good you stood for something in your life.
sir winston churchill
I have made friends in my journey and god knows I have made enemies by speaking out about my experiences. in all honesty my allies are women and many within my subculture have clashed about this issue to the point I was removed from a transgendered facebook community.
this is/was hurtful but I will not compromise principals and my friends, allies, and loved ones , the women , of my life to toe some party line that is self destructive. in my darkest hours when so many in my community turned their backs on me the women in my life held me and protected me from my worst enemy me. the debt i owe women goes back to when I was a kid. Girls would literally, at times, put her body between me and the men bullying me.
the women in my life have given me the strength and courage to lead in a community where leadership is lacking. this has lead to my strength to push for leadership role within the va community, xerox and in my private life.
god bless the women from the bottom of my heart
rachel
Thursday, August 15, 2013
My secret , beliefs and god
I also believe the dialog is ever so important. My challenge is the stereotyping of any subculture and , even more challenging, is the audacity of some of my subculture to demand special consideration based on the perceived discrimination which occurred in the past to others of the subculture. or take a select number of incidents to form a general conclusion.on a subculture. it is my firmly held position that once you give special consideration to any one individual or subculture you have effectively discriminated against another individual. I have repeatedly talked to many in my so called subculture that want society to pay for the discrimination that someone , who happened to a cysgendered, placed upon them from their prospective and life experiences.
I believe that the open discussion is the best way to change the prospective of people and help us on our journey which will unite us as people. the anger in society and in the transgendered community is a critical component that will continue to divide the community at large. I believe that open dialog and conversation with an open heart is the only way we can begin to repair the soul . it seems like I am alone because of my experience with the transgendered community and what divides me from the community is not my experiences on hormones but my belief in god and morality. my belief in god and my ability to open up the deep wounds of the past and ask for help from so many in the va and outside the va and risk so much mentally to heal my heart and soul is critical in my healing.
I have known that merging the past with the present is critical in my healing. i know many within the community many wish to forget who they were before hormones. i believe this is a mistake and this will not be effective in the long term. i am looking for solutions and open to out of box solutions which is part of my sales career. I have been wrong more than I have been right in my journey on hormones. my ability to admit this in large audiences and in my private life has healed me decades in 2 short years. Lastly, if i try to forget my past I would have to push my daughter out of my life. this effective kill my heart and soul. This also would mean I would have block in my memory my accomplishments of graduating from penn state university, two tours in the united states marine corps, my sales career and all the good men and women I have met on my journey of life. I am extremely proud I am a marine, parent, sales woman and so much more. my gender will never be the totality of who I am but a part of who I have become.
I wish I had more answers but it seems like for every answer I have 3 or more questions. i honestly feel like I don't belong in a culture with so much hatred, misconceptions and anger. I have found that I have so much in common with people moving forward . I also demand the very best of myself and my support group is filled with women moving forward and ones that will not enable me. I believe far too much enabling occurs in the transgendered community. at some point after acceptance by society is achieved the community has to move forward and heal the wounds of the past.
My little secret is that the common denominator between with all of my friends is that you are spiritual people and moving forward and most of all positive minded. this is my comfort zone because of my sales career and my mentor i never met zig ziglar. I know I have been blessed by god and each day I cry because of the pain of my gender and thank god and beg that I can mentally heal before the surgery. i also thank him for you and all the women in my life and others for being brought in my life. i wish others in my community could open their hearts to god and know that so many in society do care. Give society a chance to say no and you might be surprised of how many say yes. zig ziglar would say each no brings you closer to a yes. yes I believe in society and there are so many good people .
thank you for your personal thoughts. i value the friendship and kindness you have shown me over the past two years. today when I wrote my thread I remembered what you said to me when we first met , " rachel who gets to define who a woman is?" this was the best thing you have done for me ; you got me to think, grow and understand people in society really care.
rachel
note: this woman has helped me heal and the biggest gift she has given me is her time, friendship and kindness. I offered my heart and friendship and the same was returned with no exceptions
I believe that the open discussion is the best way to change the prospective of people and help us on our journey which will unite us as people. the anger in society and in the transgendered community is a critical component that will continue to divide the community at large. I believe that open dialog and conversation with an open heart is the only way we can begin to repair the soul . it seems like I am alone because of my experience with the transgendered community and what divides me from the community is not my experiences on hormones but my belief in god and morality. my belief in god and my ability to open up the deep wounds of the past and ask for help from so many in the va and outside the va and risk so much mentally to heal my heart and soul is critical in my healing.
I have known that merging the past with the present is critical in my healing. i know many within the community many wish to forget who they were before hormones. i believe this is a mistake and this will not be effective in the long term. i am looking for solutions and open to out of box solutions which is part of my sales career. I have been wrong more than I have been right in my journey on hormones. my ability to admit this in large audiences and in my private life has healed me decades in 2 short years. Lastly, if i try to forget my past I would have to push my daughter out of my life. this effective kill my heart and soul. This also would mean I would have block in my memory my accomplishments of graduating from penn state university, two tours in the united states marine corps, my sales career and all the good men and women I have met on my journey of life. I am extremely proud I am a marine, parent, sales woman and so much more. my gender will never be the totality of who I am but a part of who I have become.
I wish I had more answers but it seems like for every answer I have 3 or more questions. i honestly feel like I don't belong in a culture with so much hatred, misconceptions and anger. I have found that I have so much in common with people moving forward . I also demand the very best of myself and my support group is filled with women moving forward and ones that will not enable me. I believe far too much enabling occurs in the transgendered community. at some point after acceptance by society is achieved the community has to move forward and heal the wounds of the past.
My little secret is that the common denominator between with all of my friends is that you are spiritual people and moving forward and most of all positive minded. this is my comfort zone because of my sales career and my mentor i never met zig ziglar. I know I have been blessed by god and each day I cry because of the pain of my gender and thank god and beg that I can mentally heal before the surgery. i also thank him for you and all the women in my life and others for being brought in my life. i wish others in my community could open their hearts to god and know that so many in society do care. Give society a chance to say no and you might be surprised of how many say yes. zig ziglar would say each no brings you closer to a yes. yes I believe in society and there are so many good people .
thank you for your personal thoughts. i value the friendship and kindness you have shown me over the past two years. today when I wrote my thread I remembered what you said to me when we first met , " rachel who gets to define who a woman is?" this was the best thing you have done for me ; you got me to think, grow and understand people in society really care.
rachel
note: this woman has helped me heal and the biggest gift she has given me is her time, friendship and kindness. I offered my heart and friendship and the same was returned with no exceptions
private email on my struggles with the transgendered community
hi,
I am kinda sad now because I was checking the updates on a transgendered group and I have removed apparently. I was having a discussion , heated one, but one I think is necessary but it was in direct conflict with radical females. it is the label attached to a group apparently that want to utilize whatever means to force change in society. my last thread focused on the olive branch brings more bees than a baseball bat. I stressed there is an issue that offering a solution will help heal the wounds and open the door for further decision.
I am crying because at times I think I am so alone but although the above was very painful. A woman names was ? , born a woman, backed me openly in the group on the issue of labels. like I said at my first speech my enemies are not in the va they are beyond the thick walls of va. I feel so safe with the va and feel protected from the anger and misconception of so many in my community. I will never toe the party line and be open and honest and admit and apologize when I am wrong. it is my time of healing my heart and soul and god is a big part of this healing.
I was really depressed today and ended up at subway after having my mammogram done today. I was talking to a young African american woman and she asked me what is wrong? I am so transparent. I told her I felt marginalized in a marginalized community. she said she felt the same. I said really? I think the leadership of many communities does not embrace open conversations.
I talked to another transgendered woman that was in involved in trans right issues long ago. she disengaged because of the politics of the groups which did not represent her ideals of how to accomplish the goals of the group.
I think there are many of me that are marginalized in so many subcultures. the lessons on estrogen have been hard and fast . last week I thought for few moments maybe i should do back to don. I cannot go back because I know who I really am inside and out now. also i am involved in a group project that is so much larger than me. I have never been challenged like I have been in the last 2 yrs.
I will never toe the party line that society is to blame for all the ill the transgendered community. I strongly disagree with some of the leaders in the transgendered community that believe that you can change people through implementation of laws. the laws are important but changing the hearts and minds of people means you have to willing to share and have open and honest conversations. and in the transgendered community this may mean you have to publicly talk about your demons.
I am a strong woman but the stress of being outed by your own subculture is very painful. my saving grace is the strength of my cygender, born women, who are by my side and never have waived in their belief in me. they are and will be forever the ones that saved my life and are helping me heal myself and others.
thank you for allowing me show my journey ,
rachel
Monday, August 12, 2013
stressful relief 101 for women
hi
I was stressing a bit from work and life in general so what do women do? See your Hair Stylist for a new look and go shopping with your female friend will relive stress. so I went to see my hair stylist who has a bad habit of making me laugh at myself and much more. I had my hair dyed and styled which took a grand total of 3 1/2 hours lol. I had a great time and many laughs with my hair stylist.
then I headed out with a female friend and the only thing that got hurt was my bank account. $400.00 later with a tint of red/pink in my hair and several new outfits and many laughs I am ready to go back to work tomorrow.
I am challenged at times and feel that I barely hold on but with a thread. the tears are so intense at times I feel like I nearly am about to break. my female friends hold me up and watch over me at times and help me heal.
I have only survived the last two years through god's grace and a handful of women who are strong, spiritual and live by their principals each an every day. I honestly would give and risk my life by giving a organ to any of of them to ensure they would live another day. I would not trade one of my female friends. As I told my daughter when she was growing up , I would not trade you for anyone. I also would want you for my daughter if I was born again. I believe the same of my female friends .
thank you to each one of you and god bless,
rachel
ps I will try to upload a new pic this week
I was stressing a bit from work and life in general so what do women do? See your Hair Stylist for a new look and go shopping with your female friend will relive stress. so I went to see my hair stylist who has a bad habit of making me laugh at myself and much more. I had my hair dyed and styled which took a grand total of 3 1/2 hours lol. I had a great time and many laughs with my hair stylist.
then I headed out with a female friend and the only thing that got hurt was my bank account. $400.00 later with a tint of red/pink in my hair and several new outfits and many laughs I am ready to go back to work tomorrow.
I am challenged at times and feel that I barely hold on but with a thread. the tears are so intense at times I feel like I nearly am about to break. my female friends hold me up and watch over me at times and help me heal.
I have only survived the last two years through god's grace and a handful of women who are strong, spiritual and live by their principals each an every day. I honestly would give and risk my life by giving a organ to any of of them to ensure they would live another day. I would not trade one of my female friends. As I told my daughter when she was growing up , I would not trade you for anyone. I also would want you for my daughter if I was born again. I believe the same of my female friends .
thank you to each one of you and god bless,
rachel
ps I will try to upload a new pic this week
Friday, August 9, 2013
lastest posting on facebook in response to the label cis
my facebook id is
rachel.candie. reid
I belong to this transgendered group and I just leaned about the label cis. cis means anyone that was born the gender that one prefer to live and work as . my opinion of labels are they are designed to divide humanity. we are human beings first who happen to be women , men and so on .
I sounded off, damn marine in me, about my opinion of cis and they are my best friends and the group I identify with and have all of my life. in my darkest hours when I was near a suicide attempt two women in the va held me up and that relationship ensured the suicide attempt never happened.
my relationship with women goes back to my days when I was a child. I seem to be one of a kind in the transgendered world and I will not apologize for who I am nor my friends I love and care about and this goes both ways with my friends.
I simply identify as a woman and honestly the largest sex organ in the body is not between our legs but our brain. so for all that what to label me please come up with a criteria that can evaluate and define me by my brain. the way I think can and does explain why I can relate to woman and not men which goes back to when i was a child.
here is my email i sent to a friend on facebook in response to the less than positive comment i posted concerning cis
ol I write emails so often to so many people that signing my name is a habit. in my darkest hours honestly I had to women in leadership positions at the va holding me up while a man and women within xerox helped me at work. I barely made it out of that deep black space in my life but it is also true for the first time in my life I trusted people that they had my best interest at heart.
i spoke at the visn 20, regional va , conference in 2012 and to the best of my knowledge and others within the va was the first woman like me to speak at regional conference. in attendance were 50 directors and deputy directors of a 4 state region. I spoke from my heart about my experience on hormones and much more about my life including how estrogen helped my arthritis.
I just believe that the anger in some people inside and outside the glbt community in the name of gender or sexual orientation is a cloak for the deep seeded personal pain. I have found by writing my blog and speaking i have been able to heal and let go of any anger that was within me.
rachel.candie. reid
I belong to this transgendered group and I just leaned about the label cis. cis means anyone that was born the gender that one prefer to live and work as . my opinion of labels are they are designed to divide humanity. we are human beings first who happen to be women , men and so on .
I sounded off, damn marine in me, about my opinion of cis and they are my best friends and the group I identify with and have all of my life. in my darkest hours when I was near a suicide attempt two women in the va held me up and that relationship ensured the suicide attempt never happened.
my relationship with women goes back to my days when I was a child. I seem to be one of a kind in the transgendered world and I will not apologize for who I am nor my friends I love and care about and this goes both ways with my friends.
I simply identify as a woman and honestly the largest sex organ in the body is not between our legs but our brain. so for all that what to label me please come up with a criteria that can evaluate and define me by my brain. the way I think can and does explain why I can relate to woman and not men which goes back to when i was a child.
here is my email i sent to a friend on facebook in response to the less than positive comment i posted concerning cis
ol I write emails so often to so many people that signing my name is a habit. in my darkest hours honestly I had to women in leadership positions at the va holding me up while a man and women within xerox helped me at work. I barely made it out of that deep black space in my life but it is also true for the first time in my life I trusted people that they had my best interest at heart.
i spoke at the visn 20, regional va , conference in 2012 and to the best of my knowledge and others within the va was the first woman like me to speak at regional conference. in attendance were 50 directors and deputy directors of a 4 state region. I spoke from my heart about my experience on hormones and much more about my life including how estrogen helped my arthritis.
I just believe that the anger in some people inside and outside the glbt community in the name of gender or sexual orientation is a cloak for the deep seeded personal pain. I have found by writing my blog and speaking i have been able to heal and let go of any anger that was within me.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
brain biggest sex organ
http://ezinearticles.com/?HGH,-Our-Brain,-Primary-Sex-Organ&id=7180627
the largest sex organ is not below the waist but between the ears. the largest sex organ is the brain. this brings me to what determines one's sex? in today society at birth if a child has a penis he is boy and if the child has a vagina she is a girl.
A very smart woman asked me this exact question " rachel who gets to determine who a female is?" honestly she caught me off guard especially since I was the one trying to define what a women is. I was left nearly speechless. the point she was trying to get across to me is no one should determine or define a human being.
I believe you should define who you are and this is based upon nature and nature and your prospective of life. As my aunt told me years ago, "Donnie there is so much grey in the world." I like to put things into black and white but I am learning that my aunt was so right. it is not about being right but healing the soul.
Like so many women in my world my aunt was a very spiritual woman.
this is probably the shortest blog I have ever done but the point is very effective.
thank you
rachel
the largest sex organ is not below the waist but between the ears. the largest sex organ is the brain. this brings me to what determines one's sex? in today society at birth if a child has a penis he is boy and if the child has a vagina she is a girl.
A very smart woman asked me this exact question " rachel who gets to determine who a female is?" honestly she caught me off guard especially since I was the one trying to define what a women is. I was left nearly speechless. the point she was trying to get across to me is no one should determine or define a human being.
I believe you should define who you are and this is based upon nature and nature and your prospective of life. As my aunt told me years ago, "Donnie there is so much grey in the world." I like to put things into black and white but I am learning that my aunt was so right. it is not about being right but healing the soul.
Like so many women in my world my aunt was a very spiritual woman.
this is probably the shortest blog I have ever done but the point is very effective.
thank you
rachel
Monday, August 5, 2013
private email and thoughts on the va and surgery
you made me cry because through all of my journey you and have never pushed me away or forgotten me. I feel you both care and respect what I have to say as a human being. this has been so pivotal in my life.
(edited out for privacy reasons of my friends)
it is my heart felt belief that others do not talk because , this is a rachel theory, if you take your anger out of someone else you don't have to deal with the real issue , you. I say this because of the anger within the community and statement like "they don't understand us/me." if one does that you don't have focus on the real issues, again you. the longer you are on estrogen the deeper the pain the more angry you become. I made the choice to use my pen and voice to release the angry and cry each morning. I understand in the middle of a crisis that the crying is needed each day to move forward. but to learn this in the middle of a crisis is a gift from god. I have never had such a gift before the healing of my soul began.
why am I so different then others? It is my opinion that your kindness and caring helped me heal by giving me a voice and sharing some of your lives with me . this showed me that you really care. this is all I want in life is to know people care and respect me. so many in the past did not care and to also acknowledge people care then this helps yet compels one to move forward. \ the hard part is letting go of the past and moving forward and I have had some really good teachers and the seemingly endless emails have been a huge part of my healing.
edited part
. this really made me want to push away from her and others like her but after I wrote the email I thought about what I had written and evaluated the email and the whole issue. quickly I realized to push her and others like her away would be hurting her and myself because of what I wrote in the second month on hormones. I wrote down my goals and beliefs and said: "...I have the ability and ethical responsibility to advocate for those that cannot speak for themselves." I also promised many including you and god that I will help all I can in my journey so pushing her away and others like her would hurt me and break my so many promises.
also One day, recently< I was thinking about surgery and realized once it is completed what then? I have to move forward mentally before the surgery so after surgery i can resume my life goals and keep the healing process moving forward. this is really an important concept to know and to learn this on your own wow. I now think of and visualize the surgery and can see the surgeon cutting my penis down the middle to make it into a vagina. my ability to visualize things like this on estrogen is so powerful because it is so life like in my mind. how am I comforted ? many would not believe it but my biggest concern is follow up care and the trust I have in the va that they will be able to resolve any issues after my surgery is without exception. also the relationships I have developed has been ever so important in this trust in the va health care system.
the whole thing as i cry is I feel so safe at xerox because of (edited out) and other women and I feel safe in the va. I don't feel safe between my home and xerox or va. it is a combination of my own fear and how much of this fear is my own mental health, being a woman , or transgendered woman? I think most of it is being a woman and to learn all of this on my own has been real a challenge.
I wanted to let you know you have helped me when you may not know you are helping.
again thank you
(edited out for privacy reasons of my friends)
it is my heart felt belief that others do not talk because , this is a rachel theory, if you take your anger out of someone else you don't have to deal with the real issue , you. I say this because of the anger within the community and statement like "they don't understand us/me." if one does that you don't have focus on the real issues, again you. the longer you are on estrogen the deeper the pain the more angry you become. I made the choice to use my pen and voice to release the angry and cry each morning. I understand in the middle of a crisis that the crying is needed each day to move forward. but to learn this in the middle of a crisis is a gift from god. I have never had such a gift before the healing of my soul began.
why am I so different then others? It is my opinion that your kindness and caring helped me heal by giving me a voice and sharing some of your lives with me . this showed me that you really care. this is all I want in life is to know people care and respect me. so many in the past did not care and to also acknowledge people care then this helps yet compels one to move forward. \ the hard part is letting go of the past and moving forward and I have had some really good teachers and the seemingly endless emails have been a huge part of my healing.
edited part
. this really made me want to push away from her and others like her but after I wrote the email I thought about what I had written and evaluated the email and the whole issue. quickly I realized to push her and others like her away would be hurting her and myself because of what I wrote in the second month on hormones. I wrote down my goals and beliefs and said: "...I have the ability and ethical responsibility to advocate for those that cannot speak for themselves." I also promised many including you and god that I will help all I can in my journey so pushing her away and others like her would hurt me and break my so many promises.
also One day, recently< I was thinking about surgery and realized once it is completed what then? I have to move forward mentally before the surgery so after surgery i can resume my life goals and keep the healing process moving forward. this is really an important concept to know and to learn this on your own wow. I now think of and visualize the surgery and can see the surgeon cutting my penis down the middle to make it into a vagina. my ability to visualize things like this on estrogen is so powerful because it is so life like in my mind. how am I comforted ? many would not believe it but my biggest concern is follow up care and the trust I have in the va that they will be able to resolve any issues after my surgery is without exception. also the relationships I have developed has been ever so important in this trust in the va health care system.
the whole thing as i cry is I feel so safe at xerox because of (edited out) and other women and I feel safe in the va. I don't feel safe between my home and xerox or va. it is a combination of my own fear and how much of this fear is my own mental health, being a woman , or transgendered woman? I think most of it is being a woman and to learn all of this on my own has been real a challenge.
I wanted to let you know you have helped me when you may not know you are helping.
again thank you
Sunday, August 4, 2013
2nd yr anniversary on hormones and private email to friend on men, xerox, depression and moving forward
Today is the 2nd anniversary on hormones and I don't regret where I am but I am far more challenged than I was just over 2 yrs ago. I would like to thank everyone that helped me in me journey for without your help I would not be here. No one person can go through hormones treatment alone and heal because the demons of the past will come forward so fast and hard that without help your destination is a dark place that one cannot imagine.
(am I the only one that has had this intense experience? that would be very difficult for me to believe. once I saw a transgendered advocate on tv stating "I am fantastic , my family is fantastic." it is very difficult for people to understand when one moves from one gender to another after family and friends have known you as one gender for years up to generations. ) It is time to have the difficult conversations so others don't have to endure the pain I and others have because of "misconceptions" and fear. ziglar calls fear, false evidence appearing real.
I have known people that think that if we pretend there is no issue , there is not issue and therefore we do not have a problem to talk about. Let's stop pretending so others know it is safe to come out and talk about their true experiences. I have talked to enough people who don't talk about the tough issues, glbt, pdst, etc and this in turns lead to further and eroding mental health issues which cost society in many ways. When will the this change when people open up their hears and minds to understanding one another. we have so much in common yet we push away people we don't understand. I am as guilty as anyone else because I am human being like everyone else.
I could have filed for disability but fortunately I had the courage and support that many others don't have in life journey to succeed in my personal and professional life. I truly believe that through god's good grace I have been given me opportunities to help others. Through blogging, speaking and moving forward in my professional life and challenging myself has paid off in many ways. My courage to speak out about the taboo topics has healed me so much in the past 2 yrs.
honestly I work in a call center where I hear " your name is what..." every other call and this happens while my hormones are raging. without the support at xerox and va and my friends I would not not made it through the last 24 mos on hormones. at times my hormones were raging so bad not so long ago I could not see the computer screen to complete a sale because my anxiety was so intense. instead of going home , this is a marine thing, I continued working and covered one eye with a one hand and thank god I had the sales script memorized. I never went home early one day and even worked a double shift on xmas.
A similar thing happened when I pulled my hamstring in May 12 when I had 3 panic attacks and was rushed to the portland va hospital via ambulance. after that injury my physical therapist told me not to run for 6 weeks because of the damage done to the hamstring. I don't know if this is a marine thing or rachel thing but within 5 weeks I was back to running my 6 miles. I am a strong willed woman and I am determined to be successful in my life despite the minor set backs.
I am determined to show that a woman like me can be a positive role model who is ethical, driven , successful while working in a large corporation and speaking about my experience from the prospective of my life experiences.
I know those that are stealth, like me, will come out if they know it is safe. I have a know a thing or two about this because of the safe environment in xerox and the va I have been able to lead. honestly, I had the courage because I felt safe to go to my boss at xerox and say , " give me the authority to increase sales in the next 60 days and if I fail fire me. I now know what I am capable of whereas I had no idea such a strong woman existed in me before moving to portland and going on hormones.
what was the cost to me to stay in hiding ? I cannot begin to measure how much damage was / is done because I am still healing. I can tell you that I would in all probably have been dead by 60 because my weight was averaging 300- 350 lbs at any given time. I hid my pain not with drugs or alcohol but my drug of choice .... food. my arthritis was so bad I could barely walk to my van and go to the grocery store.
today: I can run and have very little pain although I have advance rheumatoid arthritis which nearly took me down in 1997. I take enbrel injections twice a week coupled with my caffeine and estrogen which seem to have reduce my arthritis to a minimum level. thus my gender issues that seem to have nearly destroyed me saved my quality of life because I am on estrogen.
the people I would like to thank for the past two years on hormones:
the women in portland community, dress for success, women's crisis, catholic social services, va and xerox. to all of you thank you from the bottom of my heart. Leaders in the community have enabled me to move from "donald" to "rachel" and embraced, held me up but not enabled me which ensured a successful journey. This also has given me the strength to speak and lead while going through hormone replacement therapy.
note: 1989meeting with ceo of scott fizler corp at convention
when I was at a kirby convention in cleveland ohio in 1989. I had the pleasure to meet and talk with the ceo of scott fitzer who owns kirby. I thought to myself that he is like anyone else and this helped me understand that people are people and social economic status has some meaning but not the determining factor in success. I have had so many great life experiences which propelled me light years ahead in my journey over the last 2 yrs.
My sales career helped me heal and everyday I heard different prospectives from people from all different backgrounds. I did mostly door to door sales and some of it was in the dead of winter in the east which means it is cold as hell . I remember once I walked up an ice covered porch and fell back nearly hitting my head on the ice covered ground. the woman answered the door and while lying on my back i said, " i am doing special interviewing work in this area." sales takes a special type of person with the passion and drive to succeed.
I need a job where I am paid for my production not an hourly wage. my passion and drive to succeed is a key difference in my experience because doing the bare minimum will ensure in the sales field that you will be unemployed really fast. My experience in sales changed my prospective of life and why goals are important in a person's life. also I met some real characters in sales which could come from the movie like , "tin man" personally i think the movie depicted how sales people really think and act to large degree. we , sales people, are competitive, driven and not fit to work for min wage. also micromanaging us is a waste of resources and one given the direction " just make sales" we deliver results. we also have a bad habit of doing things our way and work hard and play even harder. this is another motto of sales.
I landed in lubbuck tx in 1988 soon after graduation from penn state University with no money and within 2 weeks I had job, car and a career. I walked into a car dealership with no money and a few days later I walked out with brand new escort with no money down. a saleswoman had a friend that was an insurance agent and she paid the insurance for me to drive the car off the sales lot.(i paid back the agent on my first pay check)I was paid draw against commission so otherwise if I did not sell I would be unemployment. like all of my life I have followed my heart.
who other than a sales woman with the passion to succeed would even consider such an adventure? my life has been like this since I was a kid. my mother use to say, " donald you live by the seat of your pants." she was right . I always want to do things my way and only alter my behavior if you can explain why your way is better.
sales people have this saying, zig ziglar, each no brings you closer to a yes. I hear no surgery, no surgery, but I know each no brings me closer to a yes and a solution for surgery and I also realize that surgery is part of my healing. my bigger goals of becoming a leader in society trumps my surgery and this thought process has changed my experience on hormones.
my experience is a rare experience? I honestly believe my fearlessness and drive to succeed and lead has altered my experience and growth on hormones. Speaking in public in front of audiences of 100 people, taking the lead on a project at xerox, and confronting your demons while on hormones will over load most every one but a marine. the truth is without the marines there would have not been a rachel. I have accomplished so much in 2 short years but had the experience of 50 yrs to help me navigate this journey while working in the low stress environment of a call center lol.
email is below to friend
I am working at xerox as care representative where I earn enough plus a little more than expenses. so surgery is something that gives me hope and I really need that for without the hope I am done. I have a acquaintance that tells me if I can come up with 5k that she likely can push through a loan for 5k. but 10k is the minimum and this does not take into consideration the time to recover after surgery. I have done some research and recovery time is 2-6 mos.
men? i call that the 50/50 rule. I have found that half of men will hold the door for me and the other half is filled with sexual harassment and outright neglect to far end of the spectrum which is threatening physical harm. I personally had a great experience xerox with a man that was in a leadership position that changed my prospective in men. he promoted and supported me whole heartedly after the promotion. he is trying to bring me to back for a short assignment because I am very good at projects where crisis management and delivering results are needed and that is me. This strong woman hid her talents for far too long .
I have gone through periods of depression which have included thoughts of suicide but because of the people around me and hope each give me the thoughts were no more than a passing thought. the women around me don't allow enabling infact the men and women around me hold me accountable in a very sensitive way. I have found this is true in the va, xerox and other organizations within portland. I believe all this is possible because I want it all or nothing. the risk is I may not survive the journey but the women around me will not allow me to go into a dark space and not come out.
also the self destructive behaviors of the past are slowing being removed and this process is not easy. it has challenged in the moment to help me heal. in fact I just came from a new friends house and she used the word he to refer to me when we first met. what i realized is that once i am triggered I go into a space and build up barriers that will allow no one to get through effectively isolating from the world. I explained this to her and what was going on and told exactly how I felt. it was scary and in the moment I nearly crashed again. the time it takes me to process and heal is almost in the moment which is the key, in my opinion, to healing the heart and soul.
the event today with my new friends pushed me into a thoughts of suicide but I realized that when coming out of depression one is most prone to attempted suicide or suicide . I learned this in dr. cornwell's psychology class at penn state many years ago. my ability to access information so far back is a true asset and has helped me not only survive but thrive. I have found that the more I am challenged the more effective the estrogen becomes which pushes me to the edge at times.. I know this because I get a head rush and nearly pass out but I have learned to stay calm and let it pass knowing I am growing and healing faster and faster.
my ability to think in the middle of a crisis , think rationally , access or research information, process and change my behavior in the moment is critical in my healing. this is the core concept of dialectical behavior theory. applying what I have learned over the years will not assure my success and healing but will increase my ability to heal. I have been successful to this point because I allow myself to be extremely vulnerable and trust the women around me .
I have learned that my surgery is only part of the process and if I can keep it in prospective, which is really difficult, I will make it to the other side of fence and arrive a sexy, healthy and happy woman. like joan of arc I am wiling to risk my life because I would rather die than live how i have for the first 50 years.
and to quote zig ziglar if you think you can or can't you are probably right. he also says that someone without goals is like a ship without a rudder. my sales career has drastically altered my experience on hormones. my long term goal is to set up a international trading company and broker commodities such as oil , corn etc. I want my life and will settle for no less than a leadership role in society.
I have been blessed to have so many good women around me and I am still a bit perplexed how one man slipped through my all women network. the truth is I don't have transgendered , lesbian, gay or white, black friends but I have only friends. this man helped me through the crisis of my life at xerox and stood by me and helped me heal like so many others. he is a man of character and just does not talk the talk but walks the walk. his prospective is my gender disorder is a birth defect. a man that gets this is rare I think.
thank you
rachel
(am I the only one that has had this intense experience? that would be very difficult for me to believe. once I saw a transgendered advocate on tv stating "I am fantastic , my family is fantastic." it is very difficult for people to understand when one moves from one gender to another after family and friends have known you as one gender for years up to generations. ) It is time to have the difficult conversations so others don't have to endure the pain I and others have because of "misconceptions" and fear. ziglar calls fear, false evidence appearing real.
I have known people that think that if we pretend there is no issue , there is not issue and therefore we do not have a problem to talk about. Let's stop pretending so others know it is safe to come out and talk about their true experiences. I have talked to enough people who don't talk about the tough issues, glbt, pdst, etc and this in turns lead to further and eroding mental health issues which cost society in many ways. When will the this change when people open up their hears and minds to understanding one another. we have so much in common yet we push away people we don't understand. I am as guilty as anyone else because I am human being like everyone else.
I could have filed for disability but fortunately I had the courage and support that many others don't have in life journey to succeed in my personal and professional life. I truly believe that through god's good grace I have been given me opportunities to help others. Through blogging, speaking and moving forward in my professional life and challenging myself has paid off in many ways. My courage to speak out about the taboo topics has healed me so much in the past 2 yrs.
honestly I work in a call center where I hear " your name is what..." every other call and this happens while my hormones are raging. without the support at xerox and va and my friends I would not not made it through the last 24 mos on hormones. at times my hormones were raging so bad not so long ago I could not see the computer screen to complete a sale because my anxiety was so intense. instead of going home , this is a marine thing, I continued working and covered one eye with a one hand and thank god I had the sales script memorized. I never went home early one day and even worked a double shift on xmas.
A similar thing happened when I pulled my hamstring in May 12 when I had 3 panic attacks and was rushed to the portland va hospital via ambulance. after that injury my physical therapist told me not to run for 6 weeks because of the damage done to the hamstring. I don't know if this is a marine thing or rachel thing but within 5 weeks I was back to running my 6 miles. I am a strong willed woman and I am determined to be successful in my life despite the minor set backs.
I am determined to show that a woman like me can be a positive role model who is ethical, driven , successful while working in a large corporation and speaking about my experience from the prospective of my life experiences.
I know those that are stealth, like me, will come out if they know it is safe. I have a know a thing or two about this because of the safe environment in xerox and the va I have been able to lead. honestly, I had the courage because I felt safe to go to my boss at xerox and say , " give me the authority to increase sales in the next 60 days and if I fail fire me. I now know what I am capable of whereas I had no idea such a strong woman existed in me before moving to portland and going on hormones.
what was the cost to me to stay in hiding ? I cannot begin to measure how much damage was / is done because I am still healing. I can tell you that I would in all probably have been dead by 60 because my weight was averaging 300- 350 lbs at any given time. I hid my pain not with drugs or alcohol but my drug of choice .... food. my arthritis was so bad I could barely walk to my van and go to the grocery store.
today: I can run and have very little pain although I have advance rheumatoid arthritis which nearly took me down in 1997. I take enbrel injections twice a week coupled with my caffeine and estrogen which seem to have reduce my arthritis to a minimum level. thus my gender issues that seem to have nearly destroyed me saved my quality of life because I am on estrogen.
the people I would like to thank for the past two years on hormones:
the women in portland community, dress for success, women's crisis, catholic social services, va and xerox. to all of you thank you from the bottom of my heart. Leaders in the community have enabled me to move from "donald" to "rachel" and embraced, held me up but not enabled me which ensured a successful journey. This also has given me the strength to speak and lead while going through hormone replacement therapy.
note: 1989meeting with ceo of scott fizler corp at convention
when I was at a kirby convention in cleveland ohio in 1989. I had the pleasure to meet and talk with the ceo of scott fitzer who owns kirby. I thought to myself that he is like anyone else and this helped me understand that people are people and social economic status has some meaning but not the determining factor in success. I have had so many great life experiences which propelled me light years ahead in my journey over the last 2 yrs.
My sales career helped me heal and everyday I heard different prospectives from people from all different backgrounds. I did mostly door to door sales and some of it was in the dead of winter in the east which means it is cold as hell . I remember once I walked up an ice covered porch and fell back nearly hitting my head on the ice covered ground. the woman answered the door and while lying on my back i said, " i am doing special interviewing work in this area." sales takes a special type of person with the passion and drive to succeed.
I need a job where I am paid for my production not an hourly wage. my passion and drive to succeed is a key difference in my experience because doing the bare minimum will ensure in the sales field that you will be unemployed really fast. My experience in sales changed my prospective of life and why goals are important in a person's life. also I met some real characters in sales which could come from the movie like , "tin man" personally i think the movie depicted how sales people really think and act to large degree. we , sales people, are competitive, driven and not fit to work for min wage. also micromanaging us is a waste of resources and one given the direction " just make sales" we deliver results. we also have a bad habit of doing things our way and work hard and play even harder. this is another motto of sales.
I landed in lubbuck tx in 1988 soon after graduation from penn state University with no money and within 2 weeks I had job, car and a career. I walked into a car dealership with no money and a few days later I walked out with brand new escort with no money down. a saleswoman had a friend that was an insurance agent and she paid the insurance for me to drive the car off the sales lot.(i paid back the agent on my first pay check)I was paid draw against commission so otherwise if I did not sell I would be unemployment. like all of my life I have followed my heart.
who other than a sales woman with the passion to succeed would even consider such an adventure? my life has been like this since I was a kid. my mother use to say, " donald you live by the seat of your pants." she was right . I always want to do things my way and only alter my behavior if you can explain why your way is better.
sales people have this saying, zig ziglar, each no brings you closer to a yes. I hear no surgery, no surgery, but I know each no brings me closer to a yes and a solution for surgery and I also realize that surgery is part of my healing. my bigger goals of becoming a leader in society trumps my surgery and this thought process has changed my experience on hormones.
my experience is a rare experience? I honestly believe my fearlessness and drive to succeed and lead has altered my experience and growth on hormones. Speaking in public in front of audiences of 100 people, taking the lead on a project at xerox, and confronting your demons while on hormones will over load most every one but a marine. the truth is without the marines there would have not been a rachel. I have accomplished so much in 2 short years but had the experience of 50 yrs to help me navigate this journey while working in the low stress environment of a call center lol.
email is below to friend
I am working at xerox as care representative where I earn enough plus a little more than expenses. so surgery is something that gives me hope and I really need that for without the hope I am done. I have a acquaintance that tells me if I can come up with 5k that she likely can push through a loan for 5k. but 10k is the minimum and this does not take into consideration the time to recover after surgery. I have done some research and recovery time is 2-6 mos.
men? i call that the 50/50 rule. I have found that half of men will hold the door for me and the other half is filled with sexual harassment and outright neglect to far end of the spectrum which is threatening physical harm. I personally had a great experience xerox with a man that was in a leadership position that changed my prospective in men. he promoted and supported me whole heartedly after the promotion. he is trying to bring me to back for a short assignment because I am very good at projects where crisis management and delivering results are needed and that is me. This strong woman hid her talents for far too long .
I have gone through periods of depression which have included thoughts of suicide but because of the people around me and hope each give me the thoughts were no more than a passing thought. the women around me don't allow enabling infact the men and women around me hold me accountable in a very sensitive way. I have found this is true in the va, xerox and other organizations within portland. I believe all this is possible because I want it all or nothing. the risk is I may not survive the journey but the women around me will not allow me to go into a dark space and not come out.
also the self destructive behaviors of the past are slowing being removed and this process is not easy. it has challenged in the moment to help me heal. in fact I just came from a new friends house and she used the word he to refer to me when we first met. what i realized is that once i am triggered I go into a space and build up barriers that will allow no one to get through effectively isolating from the world. I explained this to her and what was going on and told exactly how I felt. it was scary and in the moment I nearly crashed again. the time it takes me to process and heal is almost in the moment which is the key, in my opinion, to healing the heart and soul.
the event today with my new friends pushed me into a thoughts of suicide but I realized that when coming out of depression one is most prone to attempted suicide or suicide . I learned this in dr. cornwell's psychology class at penn state many years ago. my ability to access information so far back is a true asset and has helped me not only survive but thrive. I have found that the more I am challenged the more effective the estrogen becomes which pushes me to the edge at times.. I know this because I get a head rush and nearly pass out but I have learned to stay calm and let it pass knowing I am growing and healing faster and faster.
my ability to think in the middle of a crisis , think rationally , access or research information, process and change my behavior in the moment is critical in my healing. this is the core concept of dialectical behavior theory. applying what I have learned over the years will not assure my success and healing but will increase my ability to heal. I have been successful to this point because I allow myself to be extremely vulnerable and trust the women around me .
I have learned that my surgery is only part of the process and if I can keep it in prospective, which is really difficult, I will make it to the other side of fence and arrive a sexy, healthy and happy woman. like joan of arc I am wiling to risk my life because I would rather die than live how i have for the first 50 years.
and to quote zig ziglar if you think you can or can't you are probably right. he also says that someone without goals is like a ship without a rudder. my sales career has drastically altered my experience on hormones. my long term goal is to set up a international trading company and broker commodities such as oil , corn etc. I want my life and will settle for no less than a leadership role in society.
I have been blessed to have so many good women around me and I am still a bit perplexed how one man slipped through my all women network. the truth is I don't have transgendered , lesbian, gay or white, black friends but I have only friends. this man helped me through the crisis of my life at xerox and stood by me and helped me heal like so many others. he is a man of character and just does not talk the talk but walks the walk. his prospective is my gender disorder is a birth defect. a man that gets this is rare I think.
thank you
rachel
Friday, August 2, 2013
pink video and this is so how I felt omg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3GkSo3ujSY&list=LLc8dChWdbSxWn7OKYGZoanw
listen to the words and the emotions are so how I feel inside and thank god I am healing after all these years of pain. I am blessed to have so many spiritual women in my inner circle of friends. I now have a new female friend and she so like me. She is strong, driven and out spoken.
My experience and my inner circle are women that very, spiritual and just happen to be heterosexual. I have been welcome to woman years ago by women and this is why I am so strong. My journey started when i was child talking to women that are strong and my grandmother, mother and aunts are still a source of my strength.
again thank you to all the women who have given the fearless strength to grow, heal and share my story.
god bless and thank you,
rachel
listen to the words and the emotions are so how I feel inside and thank god I am healing after all these years of pain. I am blessed to have so many spiritual women in my inner circle of friends. I now have a new female friend and she so like me. She is strong, driven and out spoken.
My experience and my inner circle are women that very, spiritual and just happen to be heterosexual. I have been welcome to woman years ago by women and this is why I am so strong. My journey started when i was child talking to women that are strong and my grandmother, mother and aunts are still a source of my strength.
again thank you to all the women who have given the fearless strength to grow, heal and share my story.
god bless and thank you,
rachel
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