where my mind is now ... dark place but

..........................think i need to consider moving to a smaller town in Washington state or south oregon.  the stress of portland is a major issue now and despite what my case manager sees i am much more fragile then i have ever been in my life. i have the same emotions as when i was a teenager. the woman from the tri cities asked me if my hormones were tested as a teenager. i told her know but i think i am predisposed because of my feminine qualities and how i walked etc. i also would like to have known what my hormones were back then.

i cannot get it out of my head that had i been on estrogen yrs ago i would never had developed RA? it is really possible since i am walking on the balls of my feet i have to develop diff muscles in my ankles and my inner thighs and this had taken the pressure off of my knees where i can stand for long period of time. why? i am crying could not just be me and not go through this hell. none of this was necessary except for the moral twisted majority.  i always knew who i was since i was no older than

i lost my life and memories as a girl because why? there is no damn reason.  people made fun of me, bullied me for so long and it will not stop unless i can find an environment that is safe. i am saying all of this and i am almost 55 yrs old. i am tired of crying ..... the memories that were suppose to be will never be...... i know god was laughing but so many beat me to beat me knowing who i was as a child.

i think over and over again .... i am terrified of this surgery and what if i mentally break in thailand. it will not be all fun and probably none of it will be fun then i think of facial surgery only so i can mentally survive the rest of my life.i am tired of hearing rachel you are strong... the amount of brain power and energy that was wasted and continues to be wasted because of society's view of me being a freak could be spend of a project that changes society. think about all i had to do to get this far and the brain power and emotional trauma?  where would i be if i was just little rachel? .........       the risk was too high for me when i was a child.

i hate my familyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy because i had to hide and hide .

..... i am glad we met but none of this part of life's struggles was necessary. noneeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

i am still fighting for me at 55 yrs old and to be taken to my grave when? i ask my self over and over why am i fighting and for what? to have a vagina so i can be buried as a woman?  my mother use to say donald you are too smart for your own good and maybe that is true. i see things for what they are most of the time and this struggle with my gender, work etc ... it is not rational