my mentor my grandmother, my political ideas and more

 hi 

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I know because of all of this that my grandmother was my tutor and mentor on saying nothing and just listening like one does not know what is really going on in any given situation.  The fact is my grandmother was very smart and on more than one occasion I would tell my grandmother your children do not think you are that sharp anymore. To the that she would say I know but watch and let them do xyz.  One time my mother and her sister tried to pull one over on my grandmother and me but it was not to be lol. Then I told my mother grandma and I knew what you and your sister were doing and then we did abc. My mother looked at me in awe and my grandmother told me please don’t tell them again how we did it. I told my grandmother I just don’t like the idea they think you are not so smart now. That really bothered me because my grandmother was a sharp cookie in her 60’s, 70’s and almost until the age of 90 or so. She lived until she was 95 yrs old and only passed after her youngest son passed away. That is what finally did my grandmother in was the death of her son where this broke her heart sadly.

So as my mentor taught me over near 40 plus yrs of tutoring me on life and achieving ones goals to just shake your head ok just like a sales person and when the time is right you resolve a situation. This method served me well in the marines. It is not particularly good for a functional relationship but sadly great in today society where so much passive aggressive tactics are used to mislead and abuse others.  So when you think you are fooling me ask yourself one question do you think a student of a woman from 1909 who raised 5 children during the great depression from one of the poorest families in the area, who later owned a grocery store, would be mislead? My grandmother was a survivor like her grandchild because it is demanded in a society where being honest, leadership and character are trumped by politics. 

I have made mistakes but I have the values of a woman born in 1909 who is willing to be thrown on the street and take on all that would challenge her ethics.  I tell the truth and it gets me into big trouble. People including my mother would say, “ Donald your big mouth get you into trouble” and I would say you wanted to know what I think so I told you mother. 

I would also tell my mother why are you treating me like I am stupid. She would say I am not treating you like you are stupid. Yes you are because I know what you are doing and here is what happened and what was said.  Sometimes, like my grandmother, I say nothing and people assume that you can just use and abuse me but in all honesty I am probably the last person in the room you want to fuck with.  I let you do what you want and like my grandmother I will put you in your place.  I don’t like these kind of relationships but surviving in my grandmother’s world and in my world in a quest just to be me it has and will serve me well.

I truly just want to bake peanut butter cookies and be a wife to a wife. this is not something my grandmother would want but the baking cookies and a sense of family is everything my grandmother taught me that are what is important in life.

She encouraged me to go to college when my mother urged me to go to work in the railroad shops. I told her I do not want to work in a railroad shop and she said, “ Donnie go into the marines then go to college and leave this area because there are no real jobs here.” I said , “ I know grandma.” 3 yrs after leaving for the marines the railroad shops started to slowly close down because the US steel industry did not reinvest in their technology. It was replaced by japanese steel because of the more efficient Japanese steel plants. 

Despite any feminine characteristics  my grandmother would say I love you and all she would say when my mother would say Donnie likes the color pink,  Donnie.  I would say I really like pink grandma and the most important thing was she gave me the space to speak my mind and empowered me in a man’s world from the prospective of a strong woman.  This relationship was tested over time in my family but never once did my grandmother abandon me due to anything. She stood by me even when some members of my family want to out me and she never waived in her faith in me. I frustrated her and we challenged each other’s prospective but above all we respected each other. This respect was picked up by a senior manager at Xerox and this sadly is not an important to some people that are in my inner circle of friends and family.

Most recently my daughter and a friend from college have categorically put my gender issue under the column of mental illness.  That is easy to do if you want to distance yourself from dealing with a challenging situation. I mean my daughter and friend from college would have to accept and admit that I am not a woman but a man that is mentally ill.  But if you label me mentally ill now you do not have to understand anything and all the blame is on me and  how sad too.

It is true the people closest to you can hurt you the most.  My mother would say to me that “Donnie you want people to change and they are not going to change.” I really do think people are basically good but what I have come to find out is people are not willing to do the right thing unless there is something in it for them.  so much materialism in this world in my opinion give people a warped sense of reality. If you walked in my shoes for one week you would be very aware of how harder life is if you are born like me. the response once I am identified as a gender other than genetic woman ranges from putting your nose up to me, to aggression or even sexual aggression or more likely open conversation. But so many from the subculture say nothing to a stranger because I think they believe if you do not hear my voice you may not know I am a bit different but an opportunity to learn on both sides is missed in my opinion. I know it is so hard to take a pounding from an aggressive experience then bounce back to talking for pleasure.  It is mentally wearing to get beat up mentally over and over again. I get that.

I thought in 2011 and into 2012 I could make a difference in this world but I refuse to get involved in GLBT politics and toe the party line. There are many of us that just want to live our lives and it is my experience that politics to the left or right is simply politics and as my grandfather would say, “ politicians are a bunch of crooks.”    One of the leading politicians for the trans community states in interview, “ my life is fantastic, my family is fantastic and I am fantastic.” Really let me ask you something if everything is so fantastic why aren’t your children, family and friends on camera with you? The fact is hormones and the life I did not chose but it chose me is not fantastic. It is a nightmare beyond hell.

Many of us, including me, lose our entire family and friends to being in the gay, lesbian or a woman like me.  then there is a dynamic I never realized before starting hormones and that is so many lesbians’ families are not supportive or one family is and the other is not.  Plus just because you will talk to me in public does not mean you want to hang out with me or introduce me to your friends and family.  The continued secrecy and the lies of the trans community is what is killing so many of us and those who are supposedly leaders have no idea how to lead but they know how to be a politician with precise precision.  Like many businesses the community lacks leadership and the marines and my grandmother taught me very well how to lead and this it is important but not until I was me would that leadership ever come to light. I am the most reluctant leader you can imagine and I only step forward when a voice of reason is needed in aspects of my life. Ok I will say what needs to be said is where I am coming from.

Now in my mind I speak for the silent majority that are quiet because we do not support the politicians but many people in the general population think they speak for so many of us. the fact is that is the reason when I am talking to so many in private I hear over and over again, “ Rachel we have never met anyone like you.”
 I will never toe the party line such as we are one united front on all issues. If you are right about a topic I will support you but if I think you are wrong and I am passionate about the topic I will, like my grandmother, set the record straight on why in my opinion you are wrong.  I tend to align myself with women and not trans women but the trans women I have met in my personal life seem to toe the party line and/or  they are the drama queens. Rachel is only a member of the silent majority that has laid quiet for long enough.

I really have a goal of opening up the wall of secrecy of the trans community layer by layer.  The hiding behind our newly transformed body and surgery will not hide the pain for decades of being denied our true identity but blaming society and people that had nothing to do with it will never be my way either. This means many in the trans community and I are in direct conflict because I believe you must treat all equally as a human being.

The hatred of some in the community is really the nemesis of some of our sisters and brothers. The hatred drives them to activism so hard that there is no time for self inspection of our own personal issues. No matter how hard and how much you hate it will not ease your pain one bit but I can tell you one thing it does from my prospective create more issues. The hatred will turn off your hormones and put you in fight or flight mode.

I have  known of this issue for the last two yrs that anytime I am in fight or flight or misplacing my anger my hormones are so diminished that I cannot even feel the effect of the hormones. but when I am in a functional state of mind I feel so feminine and alive and my breast hurt so bad while I am light headed. This sounds so bad but this is when I heal mentally and, the more functional people that are around me, the more I grow as a human being. it is proven fact that we are a product of our environment. As ziglar would say if you wanna go forward surround yourself with positive people who are moving forward and positive thinking will get you so much further than negative thinking.

Recent research has shown that the larger your social network the larger your amydala will become which is the emotional control center of your brain. So thinking outside the box if you have a diverse network of friends from many backgrounds and experiences you will become more functional? Is that possible? I think this is why diversity is so important to our relationships and businesses but diversity does not have to mean GLBT.  If you strictly, as I make more enemies, have only friends in the GLBT community you will have a limited prospective however if you have friends who happen to be GLBT and ok it does not matter to me. I have friends or talk to people who happen to be gay, straight, bi, etc or black, white etc. I see people as a human being not a label.  This enables me to be drawn to many types of people and gives me multiple prospective’s. the diversity in my life compelled me to grow and think outside the box and resolve many of my own personal issues as I talk and talk each day.

I have this gift from god that I can talk to a woman at 181^st/ burnside ave in Portland that is homeless to an executive director and I treat each equally where I can learn something from each of you.  I have been avoided by people in homeless soap kitchen to directors and yet if I can get someone to talk I usually stand a good chance of finding something in common with almost anyone that is rational. If you are aggressive person and an ass I will avoid you like the plague and move on.  This is true diversity where you are draw upon your coworkers, managers, executive directors, homeless in the community and I will believe to the day I die I learn more from talking to people then I share.  This is something I learned while on hormones.

Well I have typed enough for tonight. I hope I have stirred some conversations at the dinner table and if so I have achieved my goal tonight.

Thank you

rachel