rachel advantages of facebook, utube and my prospective

I have been on hormones for 34 mos and the major shift at this point is how i walk and run has been alter to a more feminine style. i literally cannot sprint like i have in the past because although i tell the brain to sprint while running at the end of my run the signal will not switch to my muscles.  example 1:  I was running to the max and , today, and the other day and i now have a shorter gate and i cannot wider the gate. example 2:  when i walk i am touching the ground lighter and the impact on my knees has been substantially reduced which may have profound positive effects that may reduce or i hope eliminate the arthritis in my joints. 

however, i hate this word lol, i am using muscles in my ankles and knees that i have never used because of the angle that my foot /toe touches the ground. this angle change, don't know how else to explain it, makes my hips move back and forth more in a feminine motion. i think i have this picture of how i should walk , per a french model yrs ago, and now it is becoming a reality. all of the shifts in my life are so dramatic and sudden , as i cry, that it scares me.  i am so scared of how fast i am changing which was preceded simply by my physical therapist helping me sit up properly.

my mother and father would say to me , " stop flopping down in the chair, etc" now i use my back to lower my body into a chair or couch. this is coupled with the change in how i walk and all of this happened in less then one weeks time.

i was watching a lesbian utube clip and realized why i watch the clips. i wanna be the girls in the clips but more importantly i want to do anything but move forward with surgery eg get a job. but come this weekend i will set up a fund site and begin to job search. i am so terrified of surgery that i will do anything and i mean anything to delay surgery that may kill me.

i am so scared and i cry ... what has god done to me..... i can handle the laughs but to think i may die because of this disease is insane. i want a way not to have surgery but there is no way to delay it much longer.  i would not wish this on anyone but satan.  i have enough friends to support me but i need someone to hold my hand in thailand but i do  not want anyone to hold my hand if i am going to die in a foreign country. why is it me that must bring this to the public's attention in a graphic way for the first time? i cannot understand why no one has had the courage to do this before and have the surgery video taped.  everyone around me thinks the same thing that why has no one talked in the depth like i have in the past. the lack of leadership?  mental illness? i don't know.

i just ask you to hold me up and pray to god that i survive a surgery that no one knows the true outcome physically or mentally on the human body. there is are no other solutions now.

when did I know who I was ? in 10th grade we learned of transgenderism while i wore a black thong. this shocked my world like nothing else and around the same time frame Renee Richards the tennis play came out about her life. I asked my mom , look at her, my more said, " he." i knew the consequences if i told my family or friends about the real me and it was not good in the 1970's. 

i was telling my therapist that before now there was no solution for me and utube and facebook has propelled me yrs ahead due to the validation each day with my experiences on both mediums.  yet all of my friends on FB are female and the advantage of utube is I can go back to the shows i watched when i was a child and reflect on what i was thinking then and what i am thinking now. this happened about the 1 -2 yr mark on hormones and this challenged me to reflect in ways that never existed before in society. thus the experiences i have had with the Va, xerox, portland community and the advantages of the technology today have given me advantages over others in so many ways.

thank you