i was doing very good until i looked a video
where paul davis, popular in the 60's or so, died at 60. then i read
post of how this guy said "cool nights" reminded him of his gf at the
time who sadly died of cancer at 21. this all brought to the surface
that I am fighting to be me before i die and mother time is not on my
side. i will be 55 yrs old this sept and i am playing the ultimate game
of all or none where i will no undoubtedly risk it all and go to
thailand for this surgery. i am so damn scared and how i wish god would
allow me to have surgery here in portland or the USA.
i am terrified i will die in thailand or mentally break down. i
think i am in my fantasy world because god knows if i was in the real
world 24/7 i would realize how bad the situation has become and time is
critical at my age. my mother would tell me you think you are
invincible? no mother i know now what it is that drives me and that is I
have known all of my life the biggest gun is pointed at my head; my
gender.
i am tired of fighting but i cannot stop the fighting nor the
fantasy world until i have srs. the face and etc might come later but I
am trying to do all of this in a way that I will survive and be able to
do what others have not been able to do ; move on with their life and
talk about this in a semi public way.
i thought today i have no interest in traveling on any tours
after surgery to talk about my surgery. i would be very content on
sharing my story in the safe confines of the VA and going home at night
to a loving wife to cook the both of us peanut butter cookies. so
basically i would love to be a loving mother before i die and wife to a
wife. no matter how i look at this again it comes back to god and being
happy.
i hope i live long enough to see this dream come true. this is the
real reason i left the small town i lived in ; just to be me and have
the freedom that was denied to so many where i was raised.
i
also was thinking out of all the people in my family i would be me if i
did it over again. but what i cannot wrap my head around is i probably
was the smartest one in the family and because of my gender i was pushed
literally out of the family. this is not rational nor logical to me.
there is no way to go back home since there was never a home for me in
the first place. my home is in portland or where ever i live with my
wife i have yet to find.
i am in denial and i admit it but i have to just to survive this life until surgery is completed.
thank you
rachel
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