i was thinking of what ...said once ....
it is hormones and surgery on top of the normal stress of life. it
really is that simple and i keep ..... I wish the surgery was not
necessary. i really do because now it is becoming as i come out of
decades of depression very clear to me what i am asking a doctor to do.
but i cannot even envision if i force myself with a woman while i have a
vagina. i never even thought of the obstacles that have been placed
before me.
I have an very strange life. so yesterday i
guess the morality police, an employee of the library, told me that i
need to watch what i am viewing on line. I like watching clips of the L
word etc. I was livid and told my friends on face book of this incident
and how men sux lol. so then i received a comment to my posting that one
girl liked my comment. then i was offered an open door visit to a
lesbian couples home in..... I thought ohhh two women then my hormones
began to rage lol. then i thought they might be like me if i lived back
east with no friends. i think so many in the GLBT community live in
rural areas and the closest thing many have to a normal life, if there
is one, is facebook.
I was also thinking that too many
here are fake....... then she changed the conversation about me. i am pretty sharp
and picked up on the move. i think so many here will allow me to talk to
them in small corners but you would never invite me to your BBQ or
intro me to your friends and family. my life has not changed that much
from where i use to live except i wear a dress. i have zero friends but i
have some great friends who i talk to from afar. that is more than i
had before.
i just want to be part of a family, as i cry and cry,
and that is all i want. people will not even give me a chance here. i
really respect the people that laugh at me more than the fake people to
be honest. ( this sunday was the first time my daughter did not call
me on father's dad. so much plied up over the last week)
then
last week i remembered how my father noticed when we were at blue knob
state park that i walked feminine. so in front of my family my father
walked then my brother and then me. my father said you walk like a
queer. then my brother walked mocking me as a woman for fem would walk.
i was so devastated of this event that i cried. my family knew exactly
who i was and they mocked and beat me because of it at times. i was not
stealth at all when i was a child. i could not hide like some do and my
family was glad i went into the marines to make a man out of me. LMAO i
went into the marines to get to hollywood and go to college.
i
am walking very fem now and the great thing is since i am walking
lighter the pain i felt when i walked is almost gone. what if i have
arthritis not due to the abuse but due to my gender. my arthritis doctor
said he saw one case of RA disappear so maybe and that is a big maybe i
can beat RA with my gender. this would be a very unique case then not
that is not already lol
the downside of walking more
feminine is i cannot sprint like a man anymore. i tried to force myself
to sprint and i cannot omg. so the incident at the max was not a one
time deal. so to sumerize i have loss muscle mass and my ability to
sprint and walk like a male because? I NEVER was suppose to walk but
one way and live one way. i tried to be a male and i did a poor job
because i not very good at pretending.
thank you
rachel
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