the blue bike, walmart, and the montreal canadiens of 1993

Hi

I was in walmart today and wow I went into shock and barely could stop the tears from flowing down my face when I was a young girl with a very pretty blue bike. The incident gave me an immediate flashback of when I asked my mom for a girls bike that was baby blue just like the one I saw the girl pushing at walmart today. 

What did I think? That will never be me but it could have been me. but in my family if they really knew who I was and I had told them I would have been punished via corporal punishment more than I was already receiving at home. I am unsure of how my friends would have responded in the 1970’s since there were no known lesbian or gay children at the high school.

The only time I had ever seen girls like me was on the television where a tennis player Renee Richard came out to tell her story. I was quickly corrected by my mother that she was a he. So I know how my family would respond to such a “freak” in their family.  My brother asked me I was listening to that queer on the radio? I was listen to Elton John and when my brother made the comment my father laughed.  I said I just like his music. So it was not hard to conclude what others in my community and family would think or do to me. 

Then immediately after I walked passed the girl I headed to the sports section of walmart because I was looking for a foam football to use to stimulate my brain and use my left hand.  I know what I am trying to do but at 55 yrs old I am running into a time issue that no one can beat. I am trying to recreate my childhood so I can move forward and experience what I should have been encouraged to do as a child and this would include using my light hand to play baseball.  I even remembered today that I use to try to use my left hand to throw the baseball.  Every experience opens up doors to the past and that is hard to deal with in the real world while simply completing such task as shopping. 

I and others will never know my true potential because I was denied a childhood of growing up a girl because I am different.  So the way I talk, walk, think, act was directed by my family and society to the point I did not care what you did to me which left me clinically depressed to the point I ran away to the marines. That is not the action of a sane person but one that isolated and moved out of their parent’s home because they were not wanted nor respected.  This is why respect to this day is so important to me.

So I know now that I talk much softer, walked more feminine and my  mother and father actually not only told me but coached me and made me change the behavior to a more acceptable male type. I threw the baseball like a girl my father would say and he would taunt me so finally I got so pissed off I threw it as hard as I could and he would say there you go.  So I did boy things with so much anger behind and the anger and hatred was motivated by my father and mother who demanded  male characteristics.  Basically this is where I began to love to play football, baseball and basketball just to beat the men and that was the real goal.  None of this was necessary and the older I got the more I isolated because the more I understood who I was even in my mid teens.  Once I was able to buy my own stereo because of working I lived most of my time at home in my bedroom listening to music.

The key to what I was thinking was in the songs I listened to for example Helen Reddy’s “ I am woman,” Olivia Newton John “ Mellow,”  Kiss “ flaming youth” and most of all the Runaways with joan jett “ cherry bomb.”  I was in my own world most of the time and wore women’s thongs. I would hide the thongs and put the thongs on in the school band room restroom.  The only time I did not wear my thongs at school was when I had gym that day and I changed into no underwear to made the trip home so I was not caught with women’s thongs on at home.  I knew who I was as early as 13 yrs old and before that I knew I was different but I could not put my finger on it.  Then at 14 yrs old in 10^th grade biology we studied about transgenderism and then I knew I was not alone. the puzzle of who I am was solved but what to do was another issue about it. 

I think over and over how much more effective I would have been if people would have accepted me?  we will never know because the time is lost forever.  People say to me you have today but if I had been born with a vagina or in my teens to have surgery I could have felt between my legs long ago.

I know why I masturbated so much over the yrs before hormones and the answer is very simply it numbed the pain. I would go into my fantasy world and I dreamed of being with a woman but oddly enough not as a man. I thought for yrs that I thought of myself in my fantasies as a man but I did not.  So today I have no masturbated for nearly one yr at this point and why? I know what is between my legs is not a vagina and I don’t care if I ever have sex again until I have surgery. the only possible scenario I can conceive is pleasuring a woman but then how could she please me as I cry and cry?  This is a fucken nightmare and people wanna think that hormones make it all better. Hormones make it worse because you now know that your body and brain do not match. So you want surgery and will do what you need to do to get it and that means you will consider prostitution and that is where I am today.

Everyone says no no Rachel on prostitution. Have you any idea as I cry how bad each day is and the pain is worsening by the day exponentially.  How and what do I use to cope with this enormous pain? One word food and I have gained 80 lbs after losing over 100 lbs in my initial stages of hormones. now I need to lose most of the 80lbs to have surgery to be on the safe side to ensure the best possible outcome of surgery.

But now my face does not match a feminine imagine etched in my brain so I plan to have srs, facial etc so I can at least look somewhat feminine.  This is a nightmare unlike any I have even read about.  The lies and down playing what hormones does to the body by the trans and medical community is insane.  It is a fact you are in the fight of you life where others have failed, attempted suicide, committed suicide but above all never talk to anyone publicly after any surgery.  what is sane about any of this?

I am going on and on and I need to somehow focus and move forward while the hormones increase by the day or second while funding surgery and planning  a life after surgery.  this is why others have failed or they have decided to not talk. I can understand that the whole process takes so much emotional energy out of you that you simply have nothing left. So when the next girl starts her journey she is starting from scratch just like you. That is the sad part about the trans community and to that I have had responses it is the best we can do. I say we can do better.  The problem is I am carrying a cross that is so heavy that one day it may crush me and I could mental break or attempt suicide. anyone that thinks this is not possible is not looking at hormones from a realistic prospective.

I am looking for things to motivate me but the depth of this challenge is unlike anything in sports or sales etc.  It does remind me of the montreal canadiens hockey team in the 1993 stanley cup playoffs. In the playoffs the canadiens won 20 games and 10 of them were in overtime and what is so special is the team won all of this overtime games which is a record number in the playoffs. But in the final series with the Kings (los Angeles)  in the second game we were losing and the coach for the canadiens asked for a call on the kings player’s stick that was too curved. If he was right it was a man advantage for montreal if he was wrong it was a one man advantage for the kings. He was right and montreal had a one man advantage but the coach went for broke and pulled the goalie to give the canadiens a two man advantage. The canadiens tied the score up with seconds left and won the game in overtime. this is how my life is now where I am going for broke every day and when I go for surgery I am pulling out all the stops ( my goalie) and praying the surgeon in Thailand can stop the emotional pain and win this battle in the last period of the game of my life. I have no other option at 55 yrs old but to go for broke.

Thank you

rachel

more on political view and how i differ from other in the community

Hi

Wow things have come down to were I had hope they would not but I was painfully aware that others lack the character to stand with me against the true oppression created by the GLBT political action groups.  Whereas I have little to lose since I am not working at this time  and  I  live a funded apartment provided by the state of Oregon right now. I refuse to toe the party line that if we only had hormones and surgery we all would be happy. This is not the case and could not be further from the truth.  The depth of my pain which is paralleled to  many I talk to who go on Hormone replace therapy radically changes the brain and how you see the world to the point many stop hormone therapy.

This is also true of genetic women who start hormone replacement therapy and from a blog it is apparent that the age range of genetic women on hormones ranges from someone on their teens to the senior years.  So what I am trying to convey is gender does not matter when it comes to estrogen being used as a supplement to the human body.  The experiences are nearly identical and this probably is because that estradiol is an exact match for female estrogen molecule by molecule.  So that would explain in part why my experiences are so representative of genetic women but genetic women talk about hormones whereas the trans community does not even talk amongst themselves on the depth of their pain women do.  This is why couple along with the fact I have had more female relationships as friends then trans friends.  The open conversations I have had with women has help heal me.

But the point of this conversation is not about the hormone experience but how politics of the trans  community is effectively silencing the truth of the community.  The activist from Australia to Washington believe we all should walk and talk the same and promote that all will be ok if only surgery and hormones were approved more easily or at all.  The fact is when others start hormones they have no idea what they are getting themselves into as my mother would say.  Then we have the political activist in the proverbial bed with politicians who then change policy based on the activist whims which does little to help others. but it does help make it easier for the activist groups to raise monies for their specific organization all in the name of their special interest group. I am not a woman that will ever toe the party line and I take issue with the activist that continue to do what they need to ensure they raise more monies while making themselves look good in the public eye.

But then we have businesses and government leadership toeing the same line as the politicians so it look like to everyone on the outside that so much is getting done.  However it would be political suicide to say the trans activist do and behave in the manner I have described but someone in their ranks like me speaking out is unconscionable to the activist.  I have been belittled in public and one line because I believe that we need to look at each other as human beings. I have had such responses as “ are you suggesting we sit down with the cysgenders?” ( cysgender is the label some use to identify a genetic man or woman that lives as their birth gender) I personally detest the label and my response to this comment was , “ yes.” I was thrown out of a facebook group because the discussion was so heated and the next day the individual trans woman stated, “ there we always be someone to fight.” These are the types of people that are in bed with various political leaders, companies, and government agencies.

The time for me staying quiet has come to an end. I have talked to some in the trans community and on line and when I speak they all say, “ Rachel you need to talk.” I say, “ why not you?” sadly they say nothing or walk away from the conversation.  I think I represent the silent majority that have little say in what the public thinks who and what we are as a subculture. trust me what you hear activist say in the media is not me.

My political leanings are in the middle and to the right. Otherwise I am a fiscal conservative, social liberal who believes in a strong military and increased spending for our veterans who have served in wars where many of our brother and sisters paid the ultimate price of their life. A bleeding heart liberal I am not and in fact I despise the bleeding heart liberal that says poor me and we need more policies to protect our right by passing more laws to protect us. the fact is we have had laws on the books to protect African Americans and other minorities including women and the discrimination still is prevalent but it is more subtle now since the laws were past.

I have heard too many time behind enemy lines what some white males think of women and African Americans and it is not good. For instance I was working for a door to door book company and I was working my way into management when I was asked who do I think was a good candidate for the job of all the people we interviewed. I said the black guy was dressed the sharpest and I really like him as a candidate for the job. Without any hesitation the manager said, “ Don we don’t hire Niggers.” I shook my head in disbelief and this was 1988 in Altoona, PA.

I have also heard white collar men talk of what they think of working for a female manager. Some things I have heard is “ I will not work for a dyke bitch, give me five minutes to show her who is in charge, etc.”  this was the attitude of men in the marines and in the sales field where I worked most of my life.  I detested the comments and when I attempted to defend others I was label “ Nigger lover” or when I back the females men would say, “ what are you a bitch?”  I detest discrimination but equally directed at me or anyone else because it is wrong. You are basing your entire opinion of someone based only on their race, gender etc.

But equally important to me is the reverse discrimination I hear in the trans community directed at cysgender people and especially women.  This is my pet peeve of all pet peeves with the community. I have actually heard on many accounts “ I hate women.” Here is a personal example where I hear someone that identified as a trans woman say” I hate women.” 

I had just walked outside my work and a coworker pulled up her car and asked if I could talk to her because, the trans woman, was having thoughts of suicide. I said sure. So I got into the car and I said I will help you the best I can because I have gone through this too. then she said, “ I hate women.” I said why? At this point I did not know why but then she said, “ I hate women because they have a vagina and I don’t.” I immediately shut my emotions off because I was so upset that anyone would make such a statement. From this point on I tried to act as a therapist and go my way.  I told her I am sorry but all I could think of is all my friends are genetic women and so is my daughter and so you hate my friends because they have a vagina. This is not logical and I get it is ok to discriminate against others just as along it is not one of us. excuse while the marine steps in since I am so pissed off to say, “ fuck that.” Are you kidding me and sadly this is how some think the trans community. How many or what the percentage is I do not know.

So to recap it is ok to discriminate against other just as long as it is not you and above all we are not to talk to any outsiders of what the experience is like on hormones and surgery included.  Also the most striking theme is that even in the trans community who speaks of their nightmares and the challenges of hormones. so not a soul is speaking and lastly many activist refuse to be an education tool for the general population. To all of them I ask you a question if you want the general population to understand you how do you expect anyone to understand unless you talk. But more importantly if no one is talking about what it is really like and why surgery is necessary then how will the general public support as a whole surgery paid for by the government.

I do not perceive myself as a radical but simply a voice of reason where in the subculture lacks leadership, vision and the ability to trust others is lacking. This is my strength because of the marines but probably more importantly  I was trained by some of the best sales people in multiple product lines.  This sales training has help me effective communicate with people from different background from the people that happen to be homeless to executive directors. Also my deep belief in the zig ziglar sales system that each no is a step closer to a yes and his teachings that “ the goal is not as important as the person you become by reaching the goals.”  Ziglar has had more impact on me than anyone I never met and his methods work despite your product. I have sold aluminum siding, Kirby vacuums, cars and insurance and now I am selling me and my story and why it is important to others.

My prospective is different than others because of my ability to talk to people and by the time I was 20 yrs old I had traveled to 8 countries courtesy of the marines. After the marines I was educated at Penn State University where I met some people that were really school smart and others were business smart. For instance I had one professor in an international business class who had retired from Eastman Kodak after 31 yrs. Dr. Seyna had his 3 rules of think, plan and do. He talked about his experiences in the middle east and the customs of people in the middle east from real life interactions not a book.  Another professor that I was drawn to was my psychology professor who was a bit off to many but I spend many hours in his office just asking him questions. I also spend time talking to my French teachers who were from France in their office for hours. Diversity? One of my roommates was from Sweden and I became a honorary member of the Swedish club where I attempted to ski. My roommate thought it was easy but it was use to skiing in the French alps. I am simply drawn to people that are moving forward in their lives and in so many ways I have lived a blessed life.

If I had discriminated against people the experience of my life would limited prospective. Because I reached out to others outside my subculture in school, the marines, raising my daughter and beyond I have developed into a human being that see others as part of the human race. This prospective has given me the best chance to do something that others have never done before and that is share3 my experience on hormones. Then next year I will, in a worse case scenario, set up a skpe link for others to watch me before, during and after surgery.

 this is unheard of in the subculture and if I can point to why I am different it has to be the many perspective’s I have developed because of the diversity of the people around me all of my life. I am determined to open a door into a world that is so secret in some parts even I cannot get an invite. ( the doctor’s in Thailand have facebook groups and to join the group you have to have surgery schedule with that specific doctor, made a down payment on surgery, or have had surgery completed. Then you are assigned a identification number.) I am speechless on how secretive I have found this subculture to be and for me not to be able to access it info is wow.

By some I am sure I am viewed as a traitor giving up the secrets but if we are to ask people to understand us we need to share. That is a pragmatic difference between me and the other activist. Many , if not all, activist and groups want to educate the public but not me. I believe if I share my story I am helped many times over then the amount of info I share.

The illusion that the trans woman is the expert on her experience is luscious. How can I be a expert on my experience when I am in the middle of my living floor crying and thinking of taking a knife to cut off my penis. I cannot even think logically so how can I be an expert of that experience.  I can only tell others, to the best of my ability, what I thought in the moment when I was having an emotional melt down. How I was able to pull myself off the floor is a mystery. I think the drive to be me and my open story is what enables me to go forward with my life while viewing all of this as a group project. Where everyone has a voice and any prospective will help me learn about myself and become a more functional human being. this is my prospective on my experiences on hormones but surgery is a total mystery because no one and I mean no one talks about the emotional trauma of surgery. above all no one speaks even in quiet corners of how they were able to overcome the depression.  Why? I have not idea from my prospective .

     

my mentor my grandmother, my political ideas and more

 hi 

.........

I know because of all of this that my grandmother was my tutor and mentor on saying nothing and just listening like one does not know what is really going on in any given situation.  The fact is my grandmother was very smart and on more than one occasion I would tell my grandmother your children do not think you are that sharp anymore. To the that she would say I know but watch and let them do xyz.  One time my mother and her sister tried to pull one over on my grandmother and me but it was not to be lol. Then I told my mother grandma and I knew what you and your sister were doing and then we did abc. My mother looked at me in awe and my grandmother told me please don’t tell them again how we did it. I told my grandmother I just don’t like the idea they think you are not so smart now. That really bothered me because my grandmother was a sharp cookie in her 60’s, 70’s and almost until the age of 90 or so. She lived until she was 95 yrs old and only passed after her youngest son passed away. That is what finally did my grandmother in was the death of her son where this broke her heart sadly.

So as my mentor taught me over near 40 plus yrs of tutoring me on life and achieving ones goals to just shake your head ok just like a sales person and when the time is right you resolve a situation. This method served me well in the marines. It is not particularly good for a functional relationship but sadly great in today society where so much passive aggressive tactics are used to mislead and abuse others.  So when you think you are fooling me ask yourself one question do you think a student of a woman from 1909 who raised 5 children during the great depression from one of the poorest families in the area, who later owned a grocery store, would be mislead? My grandmother was a survivor like her grandchild because it is demanded in a society where being honest, leadership and character are trumped by politics. 

I have made mistakes but I have the values of a woman born in 1909 who is willing to be thrown on the street and take on all that would challenge her ethics.  I tell the truth and it gets me into big trouble. People including my mother would say, “ Donald your big mouth get you into trouble” and I would say you wanted to know what I think so I told you mother. 

I would also tell my mother why are you treating me like I am stupid. She would say I am not treating you like you are stupid. Yes you are because I know what you are doing and here is what happened and what was said.  Sometimes, like my grandmother, I say nothing and people assume that you can just use and abuse me but in all honesty I am probably the last person in the room you want to fuck with.  I let you do what you want and like my grandmother I will put you in your place.  I don’t like these kind of relationships but surviving in my grandmother’s world and in my world in a quest just to be me it has and will serve me well.

I truly just want to bake peanut butter cookies and be a wife to a wife. this is not something my grandmother would want but the baking cookies and a sense of family is everything my grandmother taught me that are what is important in life.

She encouraged me to go to college when my mother urged me to go to work in the railroad shops. I told her I do not want to work in a railroad shop and she said, “ Donnie go into the marines then go to college and leave this area because there are no real jobs here.” I said , “ I know grandma.” 3 yrs after leaving for the marines the railroad shops started to slowly close down because the US steel industry did not reinvest in their technology. It was replaced by japanese steel because of the more efficient Japanese steel plants. 

Despite any feminine characteristics  my grandmother would say I love you and all she would say when my mother would say Donnie likes the color pink,  Donnie.  I would say I really like pink grandma and the most important thing was she gave me the space to speak my mind and empowered me in a man’s world from the prospective of a strong woman.  This relationship was tested over time in my family but never once did my grandmother abandon me due to anything. She stood by me even when some members of my family want to out me and she never waived in her faith in me. I frustrated her and we challenged each other’s prospective but above all we respected each other. This respect was picked up by a senior manager at Xerox and this sadly is not an important to some people that are in my inner circle of friends and family.

Most recently my daughter and a friend from college have categorically put my gender issue under the column of mental illness.  That is easy to do if you want to distance yourself from dealing with a challenging situation. I mean my daughter and friend from college would have to accept and admit that I am not a woman but a man that is mentally ill.  But if you label me mentally ill now you do not have to understand anything and all the blame is on me and  how sad too.

It is true the people closest to you can hurt you the most.  My mother would say to me that “Donnie you want people to change and they are not going to change.” I really do think people are basically good but what I have come to find out is people are not willing to do the right thing unless there is something in it for them.  so much materialism in this world in my opinion give people a warped sense of reality. If you walked in my shoes for one week you would be very aware of how harder life is if you are born like me. the response once I am identified as a gender other than genetic woman ranges from putting your nose up to me, to aggression or even sexual aggression or more likely open conversation. But so many from the subculture say nothing to a stranger because I think they believe if you do not hear my voice you may not know I am a bit different but an opportunity to learn on both sides is missed in my opinion. I know it is so hard to take a pounding from an aggressive experience then bounce back to talking for pleasure.  It is mentally wearing to get beat up mentally over and over again. I get that.

I thought in 2011 and into 2012 I could make a difference in this world but I refuse to get involved in GLBT politics and toe the party line. There are many of us that just want to live our lives and it is my experience that politics to the left or right is simply politics and as my grandfather would say, “ politicians are a bunch of crooks.”    One of the leading politicians for the trans community states in interview, “ my life is fantastic, my family is fantastic and I am fantastic.” Really let me ask you something if everything is so fantastic why aren’t your children, family and friends on camera with you? The fact is hormones and the life I did not chose but it chose me is not fantastic. It is a nightmare beyond hell.

Many of us, including me, lose our entire family and friends to being in the gay, lesbian or a woman like me.  then there is a dynamic I never realized before starting hormones and that is so many lesbians’ families are not supportive or one family is and the other is not.  Plus just because you will talk to me in public does not mean you want to hang out with me or introduce me to your friends and family.  The continued secrecy and the lies of the trans community is what is killing so many of us and those who are supposedly leaders have no idea how to lead but they know how to be a politician with precise precision.  Like many businesses the community lacks leadership and the marines and my grandmother taught me very well how to lead and this it is important but not until I was me would that leadership ever come to light. I am the most reluctant leader you can imagine and I only step forward when a voice of reason is needed in aspects of my life. Ok I will say what needs to be said is where I am coming from.

Now in my mind I speak for the silent majority that are quiet because we do not support the politicians but many people in the general population think they speak for so many of us. the fact is that is the reason when I am talking to so many in private I hear over and over again, “ Rachel we have never met anyone like you.”
 I will never toe the party line such as we are one united front on all issues. If you are right about a topic I will support you but if I think you are wrong and I am passionate about the topic I will, like my grandmother, set the record straight on why in my opinion you are wrong.  I tend to align myself with women and not trans women but the trans women I have met in my personal life seem to toe the party line and/or  they are the drama queens. Rachel is only a member of the silent majority that has laid quiet for long enough.

I really have a goal of opening up the wall of secrecy of the trans community layer by layer.  The hiding behind our newly transformed body and surgery will not hide the pain for decades of being denied our true identity but blaming society and people that had nothing to do with it will never be my way either. This means many in the trans community and I are in direct conflict because I believe you must treat all equally as a human being.

The hatred of some in the community is really the nemesis of some of our sisters and brothers. The hatred drives them to activism so hard that there is no time for self inspection of our own personal issues. No matter how hard and how much you hate it will not ease your pain one bit but I can tell you one thing it does from my prospective create more issues. The hatred will turn off your hormones and put you in fight or flight mode.

I have  known of this issue for the last two yrs that anytime I am in fight or flight or misplacing my anger my hormones are so diminished that I cannot even feel the effect of the hormones. but when I am in a functional state of mind I feel so feminine and alive and my breast hurt so bad while I am light headed. This sounds so bad but this is when I heal mentally and, the more functional people that are around me, the more I grow as a human being. it is proven fact that we are a product of our environment. As ziglar would say if you wanna go forward surround yourself with positive people who are moving forward and positive thinking will get you so much further than negative thinking.

Recent research has shown that the larger your social network the larger your amydala will become which is the emotional control center of your brain. So thinking outside the box if you have a diverse network of friends from many backgrounds and experiences you will become more functional? Is that possible? I think this is why diversity is so important to our relationships and businesses but diversity does not have to mean GLBT.  If you strictly, as I make more enemies, have only friends in the GLBT community you will have a limited prospective however if you have friends who happen to be GLBT and ok it does not matter to me. I have friends or talk to people who happen to be gay, straight, bi, etc or black, white etc. I see people as a human being not a label.  This enables me to be drawn to many types of people and gives me multiple prospective’s. the diversity in my life compelled me to grow and think outside the box and resolve many of my own personal issues as I talk and talk each day.

I have this gift from god that I can talk to a woman at 181^st/ burnside ave in Portland that is homeless to an executive director and I treat each equally where I can learn something from each of you.  I have been avoided by people in homeless soap kitchen to directors and yet if I can get someone to talk I usually stand a good chance of finding something in common with almost anyone that is rational. If you are aggressive person and an ass I will avoid you like the plague and move on.  This is true diversity where you are draw upon your coworkers, managers, executive directors, homeless in the community and I will believe to the day I die I learn more from talking to people then I share.  This is something I learned while on hormones.

Well I have typed enough for tonight. I hope I have stirred some conversations at the dinner table and if so I have achieved my goal tonight.

Thank you

rachel  

rachel's fund raising site set up and contact number

hi

i am not sure how to post a link to my fund raising site but if you visit my facebook page you can access the link. my facebook id is rachel.candie.reid and it is one of my newest posting.  i will try to find out how to attach a link to my blog asap. i appreciate any help or assistance anyone can give me. i am in the process of searching for 1-2 women to accompany to thailand for my sexual reassignment. 

thank you

rachel

the funding source is www.gofundme.com
my phone number is , dear god i hope is not a mistake, 01-503-319-6038

where my mind is now ... dark place but

..........................think i need to consider moving to a smaller town in Washington state or south oregon.  the stress of portland is a major issue now and despite what my case manager sees i am much more fragile then i have ever been in my life. i have the same emotions as when i was a teenager. the woman from the tri cities asked me if my hormones were tested as a teenager. i told her know but i think i am predisposed because of my feminine qualities and how i walked etc. i also would like to have known what my hormones were back then.

i cannot get it out of my head that had i been on estrogen yrs ago i would never had developed RA? it is really possible since i am walking on the balls of my feet i have to develop diff muscles in my ankles and my inner thighs and this had taken the pressure off of my knees where i can stand for long period of time. why? i am crying could not just be me and not go through this hell. none of this was necessary except for the moral twisted majority.  i always knew who i was since i was no older than

i lost my life and memories as a girl because why? there is no damn reason.  people made fun of me, bullied me for so long and it will not stop unless i can find an environment that is safe. i am saying all of this and i am almost 55 yrs old. i am tired of crying ..... the memories that were suppose to be will never be...... i know god was laughing but so many beat me to beat me knowing who i was as a child.

i think over and over again .... i am terrified of this surgery and what if i mentally break in thailand. it will not be all fun and probably none of it will be fun then i think of facial surgery only so i can mentally survive the rest of my life.i am tired of hearing rachel you are strong... the amount of brain power and energy that was wasted and continues to be wasted because of society's view of me being a freak could be spend of a project that changes society. think about all i had to do to get this far and the brain power and emotional trauma?  where would i be if i was just little rachel? .........       the risk was too high for me when i was a child.

i hate my familyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy because i had to hide and hide .

..... i am glad we met but none of this part of life's struggles was necessary. noneeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

i am still fighting for me at 55 yrs old and to be taken to my grave when? i ask my self over and over why am i fighting and for what? to have a vagina so i can be buried as a woman?  my mother use to say donald you are too smart for your own good and maybe that is true. i see things for what they are most of the time and this struggle with my gender, work etc ... it is not rational

my life parallels the marines in the 1970's right now

hi

i swear the laughing in my face will never end. i am tried of crying and crying because my mere existence makes people laugh. i get it i never will be accept into this society as a whole.  i was so enraged that i went on the wrong train but before i did i went up to the two girls that were laughing at me.  i said," how is it going girls? then i said, " i see you were laughing at me..... " they both denied and shook their heads. i hope they got a good laugh at me and i am sure they will tell their friends like so many others in this world.

i wish god would come take me away or .............i am tired of fighting. i just wnat to go away and never have people laugh at me but if i do this i can never get surgery.  i am in between a rock and rock....

this reminds so much of the marines and how civilians treated us off base. one time in the marines off base my friend and i went to a restaurant and the waitress tried to sit us in the back of the restaurant. we actually had to talk to the manager and press the issue before we were allowed to sit in the front. i am not talking about the 1960's but 1978 there abouts. 

then other times when we,the marines, were at bus stops people would yell nasty stuff at us. we were just waiting for the bus that is it.  people would glare at us and whisper then laugh just like my laugh today. there is no difference in how i was treated while serving our country in the late 1970's and now, none.  people laugh, glare and do not dare come near me and above all will not be seen with me by a friend or family member. my life today is an exact match of how i was treated by society in the late 1970's while serving this country.  Portland is no different than any other city in the united states based on my 3 plus yrs in this city.

I am safe at work, the va but in the public arena it all depends but others avoid association with me because????

thank you

my fight to be me the early yrs in my family

hi

i have a dear friend that i worked with that told me once

Rachel I cannot not imagine you being quiet? He was so right and a mentor of mine too.

here is some new info on me and my life

Hi

I am remembering more and more of my past and how I did not hide one part of me but instead tried to push the proverbial envelope in the 1970’s.  I now can recall now not only when I fought with my brother that I bite him but I also pulled his hair, scratched his face with my finger nails. My mother did not like any of this and in response to my nails scratching my brother she cut them so short a couple nails bleed. To that she said, “ well you will know better not to scratch your brother next time.”

 I also learned how to put boys in their place by my sister when she kicked my brother between the legs. So I tried out on my dad when he was trying to teach us to box and he wanted to kill me as he grabbed his crotch nearly falling to the ground lol.  I think on another note my sister learned from me that girls have equalizers such as the baseball bat from me.  my mother would say, “ see your what you sister learned from you? “ I would say, “ well it works.”  I swear to god estrogen is like truth serum with all the memories it recovers over time. 

Each time I displayed any girl like mannerisms my mother would say , “ you are not girl so stop acting like one.” As I got older I would sit in my dad’s chair and I would play with my hair and I think I started to cross my legs really feminine like I did today. I had a flashback today of playing with my hair in my mid teens and my mother said,” stop playing with your hair and uncross your legs.”  Then my mother would make me sit up military style in the chair with my hands on my lap. 

It is very apparent that I knew who I was from a very young age and my , as I cry and cry, my family and especially my mother and father did everything in their power to stop my feminine tenancies.  Mother nature can be delayed but not stopped.  Today the flashback of playing with my long curly hair in my dad’s chair is just another piece of the pie that growing by the day and hour.  Today I felt so alive and so me and yet as I cry again people tried to tell me who I am and how I should act to the point I told my mother, “ now today please tell me what you want me to do because I cannot make any choices by myself. So please tell me what you want me to do.” She would say, “ Donnie that is not how it is at all.” I would say, “ yes it is….. I cannot wait until I am 18 yrs old and I will be out of this house. “ she would say things like, “ where will you go and it is much harder then you think on your own.” I would reply, “ I will find a way out of this house by the time I am 18 yrs old.”  I just did not think the way out was the marines and in all honesty this choice enabled me to travel to 8 countries by the time I was 20 yrs old.  This gave me a prospective of the world not taught in classes or read about in any books.

Another classic example of how I was told what I like and what I could do in my family was my first adult bicycle.  We went to JC Penny’s to look at a bicycle for me. So I saw a bike that was light blue and what is called a girl’s bike. My mother said, “ that is a girl’s bike.” I said, “ I like it because it is blue.” ( I knew what I as doing and trying to frame in a way I could get a girl’s bike.) 

The discussion with my mother went back and forth and she tried to lead me to a red Foremost , JC penney’s brand of bicycle. I said, “ no I like the blue bike.” My mother said, “ you cannot have a girl’s bike. she also said, “ you cannot go around the neighborhood riding a girls’ bike.” I restated I want the blue bike and my mother said, “ it is the red bike , boys bike, or none at all.”  I said, “ I don’t want a bike then.” When we ate supper that night she told my father of the incident. I know my father laughed at me so I said nothing. I was simply quiet like I was not in the room. Then my mother said, “ we are going back to the store and do you want the red bike or not.” I guess I will take the red bike. so like so many other times in my childhood I was pushed in the proverbial corner and compelled to say yes t things I really did not want. ( this would have included clothes for school etc.) 

My mother knew who I was from an early age but did she want to admit any of the above would be a question that could only be answered with she was in denial until the day of her death.  Deny it or not at every avenue I presented a problem for any family in the 1970’s because I was not quiet about who I was nor what I liked which clashed with the boy image that was etched in my parent head. 

What was etched in my head is a slender sexy woman which at 55 yrs old , as I cry, I am still trying to achieve and this should not be the case.  I am still crawling and scratching for every inch as I move forward with surgery. I have made peace with the thought that I am prepared to die on the operating table to become Rachel. I did not pick this path, it picked me. I would not wish this on my worst enemy because it is a hell no one can imagine unless you go through it like I have for the last 50 yrs.

Consciously I knew from no later than 12 yrs old who I was and in Miss Benn’s comparative literature class when we read the poem “the path least taken” I knew that was me. I envisioned as we talked about the poem how some go to the left, some to right and I knew I was going somewhere in the middle. Now I was posing myself with the question what did all my feeling me and I had no idea nor heard of the word transgender until about 2 yrs later when we learned about transgenderism in Mr. Carson’s Biology Class. I talk in such detail about the how I remember both events because it demonstrates the clarity of the memories that only I have experienced while on estrogen.  Also when we talked about transgenderism it shocked my mind so much, in the moment that I uttered my lab partners name three times maybe in large part because I as wearing a girl thong in class. So by not later than 14 yrs old I knew there were others like me.   

Also during this time frame I pointed out Renee Richards who was a tennis play who had sexual reassignment surgery and my mother responded. “ you mean he.”  So based on this statement and my mother’s reaction to so much of my feminine mannerism I knew with a almost 100 percent of certainty I would be thrown out on the street if I say I am like Renee Richards. I also told my mother,” I wonder what would happen if I ran away” as we watched a commercial to help run away teenagers? “  my mother said, “ you run away you better keep on going …… do you want to end up like them.”  my mother knew who I was from an early age and the soft spoken ways were becoming much more pronounced.

Then about 16 yrs old my mother caught me and we both knew it. I had a large bulge in my white tube socks and under it was a thong. She asked me,” what is that?” I said, “ I don’t know.” She then said, “ is there something wrong with your ankle.” I said, “ no.” she did not want to really deal with a Renee Richards in our upstanding catholic family where her sister was a former sister of the catholic church.  Then again I was caught but this was even more pronounced when she asked me ,” aren’t you wearing underwear… none of your underwear in the laundry?”  I said, “ I am wearing underwear and that was true but girls thongs.”  Then to be a smart ass I would toss in the laundry my boys underwear with sneaker marks on it. My mother said, “ I know what you are doing with your underwear.” This game and tit and tack went on until I left from the marines when I was nearly 18 yrs old.

To recap what my mother knew beyond the above: I asked her to help carry her purse, why she stretched out her pantyhose’s, and I even knew which ear rings went with what shoes.  I also watched her put on her lipstick and make up. Additionally I never missed an opportunity to learn about being a woman as I watched my sister put on makeup. my mother would say,” your sister does not need to watch her put on her makeup.”

My mother knew who I was but was in denial and tried to keep this family secret hidden like so many families.  She went as far as to tell my grandmother which humiliated me. I just wanted to be me just like now. Just like years ago I have to fight every inch of the way for only the reason that I am not in a social norm that no longer exist but in the minds of people think the world is flat.  This is my prospective of the whole situation and is as logical as the world is flat. One thing  is so many in society think in a one dimensional way but sadly they fail to realize with live in a multiple dimensional world that is evolving exponentially as we talk. 

My friends have many things in common but the basis of our relationship is we see people as human beings who happen to be black, white, male, female etc.  The diversity of my experiences with people throughout the world has helped me evolve as human being and the small town mentality that plagues so many never had a chance to seed it nasty self in me. 

why? My father was from New York City and my mother was from a small town so there was diversity in my own family. On one side of my family were racist which I detested and on the other side was to look at people as human beings. I made my own choices at a young age and I make no apologies for those who I have offended from my hometown. The racial slurs and discrimination in my area was rampant and this spilled over into women in the work place and me.  I am going on and on but the whole thing is diversity builds strong communities and relationships and that means people like me too.

Some will say you are so strong Rachel and I will say only as strong as the people around me. when I fall down which is often on hormones I have some very strong women to help me get off the ground.  but surgery will test my strength and the women around me but I have no doubt surgery will come about soon. As one friend told me long ago about surgery and my mission to bring it to the forefront in society, “ Rachel if you cannot do then no one can.” 

My fight and struggles and my very private thoughts now

i was doing very good until i looked a video where paul davis, popular in the 60's or so, died at 60. then i read post of how this guy said "cool nights" reminded him of his gf at the time who sadly died of cancer at 21. this all brought to the surface that I am fighting to be me before i die and mother time is not on my side.  i will be 55 yrs old this sept and i am playing the ultimate game of all or none where i will no undoubtedly risk it all and go to thailand for this surgery. i am so damn scared and how i wish god would allow me to have surgery here in portland or the USA.

i am terrified i will die in thailand or mentally break down. i think i am in my fantasy world because god knows if i was in the real world 24/7 i would realize how bad the situation has become and time is critical at my age. my mother would tell me you think you are invincible? no mother i know now what it is that drives me and that is I have known all of my life the biggest gun is pointed at my head; my gender.

i am tired of fighting but i cannot stop the fighting nor the fantasy world until i have srs. the face and etc might come later but I am trying to do all of this in a way that I will survive and be able to do what others have not been able to do ; move on with their life and talk about this in a semi public way.

i thought today i have no interest in traveling on any tours after surgery to talk about my surgery. i would be very content on sharing my story in the safe confines of the VA and going home at night to a loving wife to cook the both of us peanut butter cookies. so basically i would love to be a loving mother before i die and wife to a wife. no matter how i look at this again it comes back to god and being happy.

i hope i live long enough to see this dream come true. this is the real reason i left the small town i lived in ; just to be me and have the freedom that was denied to so many where i was raised. 

i also was thinking out of all the people in my family i would be me if i did it over again. but what i cannot wrap my head around is i probably was the smartest one in the family and because of my gender i was pushed literally out of the family. this is not rational nor logical to me.  there is no way to go back home since there was never a home for me in the first place. my home is in portland or where ever i live with my wife i have yet to find.

i am in denial and i admit it but i have to just to survive this life until surgery is completed.

thank you

rachel

rachel views on facial surgery, weekend after being theatened for me ?

hi
i am doing much better today and apparently the more risk and more challenging the event the more my estrogen surges.  I think that event helped me much like other stressful situation. i think this because i was so calm on Sunday and a calm i never experienced. i am thinking that because i have overcome so much that i am beginning to believe I no longer need to use my maladaptive dreams. is this true?

i hope so and I was to dentist today and my mind never stops processing information. during the tooth filling I told myself it will be ok Candie. that is the name i use to go by and it is very apparent that i began my process probably in 1997 when my ex wife departs our residence.  also while i was having my tooth filled i used one nail to caress my leg to calm me down.

then immediately after the filling when i walked out of the doctor's office my estrogen hit me hard. i am beginning to think that the estrogen and new thought process will be an asset in thailand. however it was very apparent that i am more terrified of surgery then i thought because that minor filling of a tooth really hit home how much i am aware of in the moment.

i envisioned a surgery putting me to sleep for my SRS and that terrified me because i will be in a foreign country where their english is understandable to a point.  i miss the love and touch of the staff of the portland VA and honestly that has made a difference in my life and my well being and that will not be present in thailand.  this is what really scares me because i am more emotionally than i have ever been in my life and it increases with the day as i heal mentally.

I just wanted you to know i am doing better and i think the suicide idealizations are a thing of the past because i have a plan to raise monies for my surgery. however executing the plan and the holding myself together as i complete the biggest project of my life will not be easy.

i am seriously considering facial surgery after the events of the past few days and going back the last couple of yrs.  i cannot take the emotional abuse by people for the rest of my life. i cannot escape totally but i can minimize the hostility to a point. i do realize that my shorter hair has made me a bigger target. now i am trying to understand if i want facial surgery for myself or to go stealth to so many. this is a difficult decision and a loving wife could probably talk me out of this but not srs.  so maybe i am on the fence about facial surgery for now. but i look in the mirror and think i want a more feminine face but will the surgery made my face more feminine or a nightmare. ( i am very interested in the south Korean facial surgery that is the most invasive available but it is very new..

I am better but I never stop processing and thinking and that is a key issue i need to address, sound like a therapist lol, before surgery.

thank you

rachel

"rachel that is not the woman... that is you"

hi

A very good therapist, who was a grad student, told me in therapy when I brought the words to the video that " that is not the woman you are looking for .. that is you." I have had some of the greatest caring and loving therapist who have never had experience with girls like me. It is my prospective that experience in this disease is irrelevant and simply caring allows me to share all I can with people and my therapist.

God bless the therapist who have helped me in my journey.

thank you

rachel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fm6J0NmrHo&index=7&list=PLF7F490CF1339D9D7

rachel threats are real and it scares me to death

hi

i came into fred meyers store ( supermarket) and this guy starred me
down at their wifi spot. then his friend came to the table and he said
," I will beat his f----- ass but he ...." so i went to the cashier
and she called a management team member. the mgmt team member  suggested me relocating to
another table and i said i should be able to sit where i want here. am
i scared ? omg yes

the management team member talked to the guy but he was very spiteful
of the manager etc. standing my ground is becoming a daily task. it
was not the pronoun he but simply this guy wanted to beat me up because of
who i am.

this is why so many have facial surgery and disappear into society. i
am strong but in all honesty portland is not as loving and
compassionate as people would lead you to believe.

my goal yesterday .... why should this be a goal... was to get home
off the train without someone harassing me or laughing at me.  today i
did not achieve that goal because people just refuse to leave me
alone. there was no provocation for this event but my mere existence.
this is reflected in some of society. i hate that i have to go through
all of this just to be me.

the fact is there is no safe space on this planet and there is only a
safer area. as a gay male told me once that portland is safer not safe.  i do
not feel safe in public and this is not the last time i will encounter
such hostility for the reason that i exist.

god come get me... how i feel at times and this is one reason why


thank you

rachel























i think over and over again because of incident like the last email
details that i wish at some level i could be sent to white city where
i would feel half way safe.  all i did at fred meyers was walk in and
start to sit down at a table. trust me when i say this reminds me of
the men in the marines.  but in the marines i had no one to run to and
if they would have ever thought for one sec i was rachel they would
have killed me. i told one marine friend in the marines they... she
interrupted me and said .... rachel they would have killed you.  this
marine was an MP during the same time i served.

no one can protect me and sooner or later I will be hit or raped or
killed. i know this but in my mind i have no idea why people have so
much anger.

rachel

rachel hip pain and HRT moves hips forward?

hi

according to an article online .... i am trying to come to grips with what i heard is there is no way estrogen changes your bone structure and this article states that it does ....i am particularly interested in the last bullet point since my right hip has had some pain for the last few months..... so to recap HRT seems to have changed my bone structure and the muscle mass. this concerns me since my physical strength has decreased and my wt has remained at 250lbs. I think i need to take off at least 80 lbs and perhaps my ideal wt is what it was after bootcamp 149lbs. 

what is next?  i just wish i could grow a vagina and surgery was not necessary. i am crying because i don't want to leave this world because of this disease when i have worked so hard all of my life to get here.

thank you

rachel

Bone

• Both estrogens and androgens are necessary in both biological males and females for healthy bone. (Young healthy women produce about 10 mg of testosterone monthly. Higher bone mineral density in males is associated with higher serum estrogen.)
• Bone is not static. It is constantly being reabsorbed and created. Osteoporosis results when bone formation occurs at a rate less than bone reabsorption.
• Estrogen is the predominant sex hormone that slows bone loss (even in men.)
• Both estrogen and testosterone help stimulate bone formation (T, especially at puberty.)
• The hips will rotate slightly forward due to changes in the tendons so hip discomfort is not uncommon.

rachel advantages of facebook, utube and my prospective

I have been on hormones for 34 mos and the major shift at this point is how i walk and run has been alter to a more feminine style. i literally cannot sprint like i have in the past because although i tell the brain to sprint while running at the end of my run the signal will not switch to my muscles.  example 1:  I was running to the max and , today, and the other day and i now have a shorter gate and i cannot wider the gate. example 2:  when i walk i am touching the ground lighter and the impact on my knees has been substantially reduced which may have profound positive effects that may reduce or i hope eliminate the arthritis in my joints. 

however, i hate this word lol, i am using muscles in my ankles and knees that i have never used because of the angle that my foot /toe touches the ground. this angle change, don't know how else to explain it, makes my hips move back and forth more in a feminine motion. i think i have this picture of how i should walk , per a french model yrs ago, and now it is becoming a reality. all of the shifts in my life are so dramatic and sudden , as i cry, that it scares me.  i am so scared of how fast i am changing which was preceded simply by my physical therapist helping me sit up properly.

my mother and father would say to me , " stop flopping down in the chair, etc" now i use my back to lower my body into a chair or couch. this is coupled with the change in how i walk and all of this happened in less then one weeks time.

i was watching a lesbian utube clip and realized why i watch the clips. i wanna be the girls in the clips but more importantly i want to do anything but move forward with surgery eg get a job. but come this weekend i will set up a fund site and begin to job search. i am so terrified of surgery that i will do anything and i mean anything to delay surgery that may kill me.

i am so scared and i cry ... what has god done to me..... i can handle the laughs but to think i may die because of this disease is insane. i want a way not to have surgery but there is no way to delay it much longer.  i would not wish this on anyone but satan.  i have enough friends to support me but i need someone to hold my hand in thailand but i do  not want anyone to hold my hand if i am going to die in a foreign country. why is it me that must bring this to the public's attention in a graphic way for the first time? i cannot understand why no one has had the courage to do this before and have the surgery video taped.  everyone around me thinks the same thing that why has no one talked in the depth like i have in the past. the lack of leadership?  mental illness? i don't know.

i just ask you to hold me up and pray to god that i survive a surgery that no one knows the true outcome physically or mentally on the human body. there is are no other solutions now.

when did I know who I was ? in 10th grade we learned of transgenderism while i wore a black thong. this shocked my world like nothing else and around the same time frame Renee Richards the tennis play came out about her life. I asked my mom , look at her, my more said, " he." i knew the consequences if i told my family or friends about the real me and it was not good in the 1970's. 

i was telling my therapist that before now there was no solution for me and utube and facebook has propelled me yrs ahead due to the validation each day with my experiences on both mediums.  yet all of my friends on FB are female and the advantage of utube is I can go back to the shows i watched when i was a child and reflect on what i was thinking then and what i am thinking now. this happened about the 1 -2 yr mark on hormones and this challenged me to reflect in ways that never existed before in society. thus the experiences i have had with the Va, xerox, portland community and the advantages of the technology today have given me advantages over others in so many ways.

thank you

rachel: changes from hormones near 3 yr mark

i was thinking of what ...said once .... it is hormones and surgery on top of the normal stress of life.  it really is that simple and i keep ..... I wish the surgery was not necessary. i really do because now it is becoming as i come out of decades of depression very clear to me what i am asking a doctor to do. but i cannot even envision if i force myself with a woman while i have a vagina. i never even thought of the obstacles that have been placed before me.

I have an very strange life. so yesterday i guess the morality police, an employee of the library, told me that i need to watch what i am viewing on line. I like watching clips of the L word etc. I was livid and told my friends on face book of this incident and how men sux lol. so then i received a comment to my posting that one girl liked my comment. then i was offered an open door visit to a lesbian couples home in.....  I thought ohhh two women then my hormones began to rage lol. then i thought they might be like me if i lived back east with no friends. i think so many in the GLBT community live in rural areas and the closest thing many have to a normal life, if there is one, is  facebook.

I was also thinking that too many here are fake....... then she changed the conversation about me. i am pretty sharp and picked up on the move. i think so many here will allow me to talk to them in small corners but you would never invite me to your BBQ or intro me to your friends and family. my life has not changed that much from where i use to live except i wear a dress. i have zero friends but i have some great friends who i talk to from afar. that is more than i had before.

i just want to be part of a family, as i cry and cry, and that is all i want. people will not even give me a chance here. i really respect the people that laugh at me more than the fake people to be honest.   ( this sunday was the first time my daughter did not call me on father's dad. so much plied up over the last week)

then last week i remembered how my father noticed when we were at blue knob state park that i walked feminine. so in front of my family my father walked then my brother and then me. my father said you walk like a queer. then my brother walked mocking me as a woman for fem would walk.  i was so devastated of this event that i cried. my family knew exactly who i was and they mocked and beat me because of it at times. i was not stealth at all when i was a child. i could not hide like some do and my family was glad i went into the marines to make a man out of me. LMAO  i went into the marines to get to hollywood and go to college.

i am walking very fem now and the great thing is since i am walking lighter the pain i felt when i walked is almost gone. what if i have arthritis not due to the abuse but due to my gender. my arthritis doctor said he saw one case of RA disappear so maybe and that is a big maybe i can beat RA with my gender. this would be a very unique case then not that is not already lol

the downside of walking more feminine is i cannot sprint like a man anymore. i tried to force myself to sprint and i cannot omg.  so the incident at the max was not a one time deal.  so to sumerize i have loss muscle mass and my ability to sprint and walk like a male because? I NEVER  was suppose to walk but one way and live one way.  i tried to be a male and i did a poor job because i not very good at pretending.

thank you

rachel

surgery and moving forward

Hi

I am seeking a friend or one more to accompany me to thailand if possible. I am not walking more feminine and the ability to sprint like I did all my life is gone. this has been one amazing trip and I am scared to death of the surgery but it is a must for me.

I will have my funding site set up by the 15th of June and I truly hope I can find a friend or 2 to accompany to thailand to help me and video tape everything including the surgery. the surgeon has ok the video taking of the surgery.

So maybe and just maybe others can see what it is really like going through srs there will be less resistance for others not to go through the hell I have gone thought for yrs. I really hope my journey and sharing it with so many has helped others and that is it.

thank you and god bless

rachel

ps thank you to the women who took my picture on the max today in portland. I knew in the moment i am in the right city to live the rest of my life