The impact others have had on my hormones experience is , if
there is a word to describe it, profound.
I believe my experience has been very unique because of my work with the
veteran’s administration hospital (va).
Why do I think this?
It is my strong held belief within the transgendered
community we isolate without knowing it.
We , the transgendered community, hold in secrets that have a ripple
effect in every aspect of our lives. I
know for myself that this disease, gender identity disorder, has had a severe
negative impact on my personal, professional and social life.
The chance of a life time happened
in 2011. I had asked for clarification
of the VA policy which had been instituted in June 2011. I was persistent and requested information of
how the new va policy would be applied in my case at the Portland VA. Portland VA
I realized by December of 2011
that I as able to open a door that was unheard of at the time. I did not do this by myself literally dozens
of men and women and many others I will never meet helped me in this Endeavour.
What happened next falls under the category you need to be very careful what
you wish for because you might actually get it.
I just wanted an opportunity to
speak with someone that implemented policy in the Va who could help me help
others veterans. In my heart this was never about the transgendered community,
nor rachel but about equal access for medical care for all veterans. In December of 2011 I achieved what no one
else, to the best of my knowledge, had
accomplish and that is a meeting with a person in a leadership position within
the VA leadership.
Quite honestly I thought that I
could say I did all I could and the VA was the VA that was going through the
motions just like everyone hears in the media.
Oppps I was wrong again. The
meeting lasted for about one hour and towards the end of the meeting she said,
“ rachel, you’re not what I expected. “
I said , “ you’re not what I expected either. “ She had granted my
request to speak to Va staff on my experience while taking hormone replacement
therapy. I knew that the laws and
regulations in place had no real substance unless the decision makers who
prescribe the estrogen know what the real life experience is really like.
Immediately following the meeting
I walked out of the conference room and I thought what the hell did I just
do? She was suppose to say no not
yes. I honesty was so scared because …..
again she was suppose to say no and we both say we met with each other and …
well you know the VA . The opposite happened and I was given an opportunity and
with it the risk few, if any, would take in my position.
I was scheduled to speak at the
Regional VA Conference in February 2012.
This was on the less than two weeks after the death of my mother. I wrote the speech the day after my mother’s
death because I knew I would be in shock soon. I was right and that is exactly
what happened. But this speech in front
of 50 directors and deputy directors was the focus I needed after the death of
my mother. This was important but I did not realize that what was more
important at the time is the VA pulled me out of isolation and my life would be
forever changed. What am I talking about?
It is my perception now that this
single event , along with my continue work with the va, pulled me out of isolation and validated
me. This was a coming out party that was
by invite only to the men and women that care about veterans. All I offered was a true story of what it is
really like to go through hormone treatment.
I did not down play the challenges and obstacles I had to overcome in
the first six months on hormones.
I realized that in the moment that
I spoke for the entire transgendered community within the va. I was allowed in an inner circle without
restrictions. In fact the prepared speech
I found out that leadership has a
price. I have many friends within the Va
but there are never was given. The
speech turned into an open conversation where I spoke from my heart and at no
point did my any va official try to redirect the conversation. There are some people who envy not only my
work with va but my success in corp America, Xerox/ This is something that makes me sad and I cry
from time to time about because I am simply trying to help veterans.
I have learned over the last
couple years on hormones ….here is my response to another transgendered woman,
actually she is intersex, who asked me to start a transgendered group with
her. I ask myself and everyone around me
the tough questions. I asked her ,” who
would have the power to determine who is in the group and who is removed from
the group.” Her response was, “ we would.” This implicitly states that I would
have the power to decide the fate of who are members and who is not a member
based on my perceptions.
When you belong to a group you
cannot speak freely like I do with the Va and will in public later this year. I
would have to take into consideration the politics and money that would
undoubtedly come into play in time with a group. I do not want to be part of an
organization where I would be compelled
to filter out the real story. Thus I
cannot see me building an organization at this point. My organization is as big
as I want it to be ….. me and a very select people who I would trust with my
life , literally.
I believe so deeply in the va
health care system, which to me is the people I have contact with on a regular
basis, I have offered my brain for
research after my natural death. I also
have provided unedited diaries , notes to my therapist about the depth of the
demons one has to confront on hormones. Someone
has to take the lead for a better understanding of this disease but I just did
not see myself as a leader anywhere in society until 2011.
Far too many of us in the
transgendered community believe that no one understand us. We are effectively
saying no for men and women who never were given a chance to get to know
us. I have and still do this at
times. I have found that given the
opportunity more people want to know us, me, than the transgendered community
thinks. By saying no for everyone that
is not a member of the transgendered community we effective isolate and do not
realize it.
I dared to risk so much by
speaking opening about my experiences in the VA and Xerox and was shocked that
rejection is an exception not the rule.
Give society a chance to say no before you say no for them. I learned
this early in my process thanx to the VA community from top to bottom. This is also true of so many people in Xerox.
Two women in the Va heard my story and shared with me that they know veterans
that were female to male transgendered.
If I had not openly shared my story I would have never learned this part
of their story. I will believe that I get 10x back by sharing my story with
others.
The biggest gift god gave me was
the courage to speak in public. I heal more and more mentally every time I
share my story. I think my story is not
about being a woman but being part of the human race after decades of
isolation. By opening listening to other
people’s story and having the ability to have honest conversation where I say
often , “ I think you are right.” It is not about being right or wrong but how
to help each other grow.
I want to thank all the men and
women of the Va , Xerox, Portland women crisis,
catholic social services, Dress for success and all the men and women of Portland
I am doing my part to help myself
heal and in the process others heal too.
Fyi I want to thank everyone that
is looking at my blog. It has reached many countries since the publication of
my article in the va . The blog is not viewed from usa ,
Canada , russia , Ukraine ,
oman ,uk
In my darkest hours know that each
one of you help me a way you cannot imagine.
In my next blog I will tell you
the real story in depth that few , if any, would tell the general public. It is the right thing to do and in my mind it
is that simple.
Thank you
Rachel
Fyi I will do a utube video by the
2 yr anniversary of hormone treat , aug 4, 2013
http://www.southernoregon.va.gov/docs/Sourcespringrr2013r.pdf
http://www.southernoregon.va.gov/docs/Sourcespringrr2013r.pdf
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