The prending ended with estrogen and also my toys

I have decided tonight to really let others know what it is really like on estrogen treatment.  I can tell you from the beginning I have known that I was in the fight of my life. But before taking estrogen I was under the illusion that the major changes would be physical not mental.  I had been told and read many times prior to treatment that emotional changes were part of the process but no one ever elaborated any further , on line or by any medical profession anywhere. 

The illusion of the challenge on estrogen came full force in the 2^nd week of my treatment. I was so scared and I had no one to talk to because no one to talks  about it.  I had worked in U.S government contracting for two plus years before coming to Portland Oregon.  I had developed skills in finding information and resources few if any could find in this sector of work.  One time my boss had a contract to repair a 1955 GE switching locomotive which has not work in over 20 years.  In less than three months I have found someone to repair the locomotive who was not even on the radar.  But to find resources and information while in fight or flight on hormones was vastly different but the skills I learned in accessing information was essential to my understanding of estrogen and the disease, gender identity disorder.

I have only told a few people prior to now the pain and suffering that I have endured over the last two years.  I was and am in tears a lot because the estrogen treatment compels you to confront your deepest demons , ones that you hide deep in your mind, and simultaneously brings out your greatest assets.  This is my experience on hormones. This process happens exponentially from the time you take your first estrogen pill. Who would be prepared for such a challenge especially without any forewarning?

What happened by month two  I was on my bed crying, crying uncontrollably because the estrogen made me confront I was born as a male with a penis.  I cried  and cried and there was no one to talk to about this.  In the transgendered community the defacto protocol is no one ever talks about the horrors on hormones.  I refused to toe the party line and talk about it a lot especially with women and when I speak. I will never go stealth. I have promised so many and myself that I will not go into hiding and go stealth now or after the surgery. 

I am dancing because honestly what I am going to tell you tonight is really how it is on estrogen.  The pain is so deep and ….. I am crying while I write this….. honestly if someone stabbed me with a knife or shot me it would hurt me less. Because the wound from either one would either kill me or the wound will heal. This wound will never heal. 

This became apparent to me over the last year plus.   Before estrogen I honestly believed I just wanted to have my breast get a bit larger or more lol.  I did not realize I was getting a new brain and way of thinking.  By month two I honestly knew I had to have surgery and this demon would not go away.  When you are on your bed crying  and crying  and cannot control the tears and have never experienced this before in your life you have to have a large support network to learn on.  Because the people with you at the beginning of the process may realize you have changed.  My experience is it was not my gender changing that was the biggest change but who I am and my personality that lied just beneath the surface  changed who my friends are today. None of my friends nor family are close to me now.  This is something I realized before the “Journey” but acknowledging it before and living the reality of it are two different things.  It was kinda like College and the real world and there is no comparison.

How big was the change and how dramatic was it? This is an adult topic but it demonstrates the drastic change and how fast estrogen works on the brain. Within the transgendered community the anus is referred to as the “ pussy.” I had pretended in private to some degree the same thing until I took estrogen. Once I took estrogen the adult toys I had used to pleasure myself , in my words, went away for good and never to return. Bluntly I put my vibrator and other adult toys I have used in the past away and they  are no longer used. The pretending for me was done with estrogen and this drug is/ has dragged me full force into the real world in shock wave events over the last two years. I am at 23 months now.

I have realized that to survive this I had to understand that the world as I know does not exist any longer. But the larger acknowledgement is that my world is constantly changing  up to several times a day.  I call them shifts and most are not very gently nor peaceful. I had / have the mindset to survive I would have to be honest with myself or it literally could have meant my death by my own devices or who knows what.

 My attitude is that I will fight this disease head on and admit that suicide and who I am is changing and this gives me a better change of surviving an experience/events that takes so many lives we hear about on line, news, etc. I will not be a statistic nor back down my dosage. It is my intend to fight this disease with every fiber of my body because this is what it will take.  This experience is not for the weak and I cannot make this journey alone.  I have so many good women around me and prior I was in isolation in an apartment on the east coast of usa. 

The lies about estrogen treatment stop with me.  I will not toe the party line.  I am no joan of arc but I will not quit because if I quit I will die.  When I speak and blog about my experience it has healed me mentally decades in 2 short years. Also when I see people from 10 countries looking at my blog this also has had a profound effect on my life. 

Thank you for allowing me to share,

Rachel

Rachel.reid.1959@gmail.com