Now here is the real story about me and the , if you want to call them, challenges. It was truly a time of do I really want my life? If I did I would have to risk my life and knew this early on in the process at week two. But I did not realize that I literally would think of suicide and actually think of writing a suicide note to someone close to me. This did not occur to me But I am so different than many on hormones and put it in the realm of possibility that I might think of suicide since my perception of the world is different compared to the first 50 years. This is the scary part you think you know who you are but you really don’t know who you are and this changes from day to day on estrogen.
How serious was this situation? At my urging I asked my therapist to work with me on a suicide prevention plan. We sat down and wrote out what and who I would contact if the situation reached a level I thought of committing suicide. When you read the end of the suicide prevention plan and it says, “ … the things I will do so I don’t kill myself” it really drives home the idea this is serious. This would be so important and maybe one of many reasons I did not follow through on a plan of suicide plus a couple other factors.
Let me set the stage of how stressful my life was at this time:
At my work I had been smart enough to figure out that unless someone stepped forward to lead we all would be out of a job. I looked at the sales figures everyday and quickly I could access that 1-2 sales per person was not enough to keep us in business. So I went to the overall manager of the project at Xerox and said this: I have a plan … give me 60 days and the authority to do it and … if I fail you can fire me.” This is an exact quote.
I did not mix my words. After two months I had several , let’s call them interviews, and I was granted the permission to put my plan in place to increase sales and the conversion rate . The conversion rate is the percentage of calls to sales. I also said I want the responsibility of the conversion rate for the call center. I held nothing back. If you know me you would understand that I am truly an all or nothing woman.
With the plan in place I was now interviewing and preparing for my first class. I simply believed in myself because of my work with the Va and the leadership of Xerox. However to get to this point was not an easy task. I resigned at Xerox and was reinstated the same day. I was granted most of the authority I had asked for , or demanded depending on your perception of the situation, and an increase in pay. This included all the responsibility of the sales for the dept .
This almost did not happen because I had an emotional melt down and resigned a second time. However the leadership in Xerox saw the promise and passion I brought to the work place. They also knew as much of many of you know about me too. I am very transparent in my life. This has helped me grow and challenged me at the same time. People at Xerox helped me work through this difficult time in my life and put the responsibility in my hands I had asked for in the contract.
Now back to training my first class. I was given total latitude in the training material and I realized I have to produce or they actually might take me up on the offer to fire me . Honestly I don’t think Xerox would have done that but I delivered in the first class. The results in the second day of the new trainees on the floor produced results similar to agents who had been on the phone for 2 months. I had delivered on my promise.
While this is going on at work and I am leading in the work place my home life was falling apart. I was in a transitional housing situation. In plain English I was homeless and working out of small studio and had quite honestly I had ruffled some people’s feathers. ( since some are not from the usa, I upset people because I asked challenging questions.) Thus there was the chance I would be homeless again. I refused to back down and advocate for myself in a positive way which was not well received by some people. This was my life and if I wanted it I would have to fight for it.
Honestly I was so scared inside and cried because I had no outlet no where to turn but I had developed some close friends in the VA, and at Xerox that this would be the edge I need to overcome the stress that nearly caused me to move forward with suicide. The stress from my housing situation , work, and hormones pushed me to a space I have never been and never want to go again.
I would come home crying, crying and crying almost every day because of the hormones. I could no longer pretend that what was between my legs did not match my brain. I was totally left handed and struggling to figure out which hand to use. I also cried because I could not figure out why some people had gone out of their way to hurt me. I could not understand this… I cried and cried about this
A female friend told me that you need to develop thicker skin. I told her I refuse to change who I am because I did that for far too long. I am sensitive , loving and caring and cry a lot when hurt and that is me. A very special friend told me , “Rachel they , the people hurting me, are just people.” I know this but I never want to know why people hurt others just because they have the power to do it.
Now to the heart of why I wrote this particular blog. One night I am coming home and I am crying and crying and thought to myself no one cares about me and who would miss me?. The relationship with my family has been more than strained and my daughter is back east and I have not seen her in long time. This was no one’s fault but it was my reality.
Then going home in tears and then I get to my apartment I am uncontrollably crying . I am lying on my bed and think , again, no one will miss me. Then I thought I could just take some pills and end my life and no one would care nor miss me . Immediately I thought of who I would write the suicide note to …. If I wrote it to her… then I have to write to the other one too ….. My relationship these particular women ….. Stopped the thoughts of suicide :
they would miss me and had made me feel so safe . Then I thought of all of people I had spoken to in my “ conversations.” The impact of my public speaking was the edge for me . I risked so much and the reward was the life I had dreamt of for so long.
I have learned that I am drawn to women that have good hearts. Again I don’t have Tran gendered, gay , white , black , male or female friends. I just have friends who have good hearts.
So I had women in the Va, Portland, Xerox pulling for me and I am one of lucky ones that has not attempted suicide. I have and always will say that I am only as strong as the people around me. The women in my life are my rock and I will be forever eternally grateful for each one of you who has touched my heart.
Thank you
Rachel
Fyi if you like to email me and ask me questions
Rachel.reid.1959@gmail.com
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