hi
I have decided that by the anniversary on two years of treatment on estrogen I will start doing you tube video's. the two year anniversary is aug 4, 2013. I know I will risk so much but when weighing out how much I will heal and help others there was no decision to make.
I have never been challenged like I have on estrogen nor has been talked about in the media, internet, transgendered community etc. I wish I had someone to help guide me on hormones and learning on the fly is not really wise but there were no other choices for me once I started the treatment.
A therapist in portland asked me to never stop speaking about my experiences on hormones about one year ago. I said to her, " I am just getting started ... I will not go stealth once I am healed and have surgery." I have made promises to many who have helped me in my journey and I will keep those promises without exception.
I cry so much now because of this disease and my advantage is my ability to speak about this disease. my sales ability has been pivotal in my growth. my ability to speak on something so close to my heart while in crisis has challenged me and helped me grow, heal in two short years beyond anything I could have imagined .
I cry now when I go to the bathroom and, how do i say this politely, adjust my panties. The pain is like nothing you can imagine. I don't know what cancer is like nor do I want to but it is my cancer and I need it cut out and removed . This is a ziglar thing, the glass is half full and I will figure a way to get surgery and heal before the surgery.
the question I have to my self is will surgery relieve the pain or move me to the next level and challenge me even more? I really will not know but last week when I acknowledge that what I am undertaking is radical and needed is also dangerous. we are talking about cutting my penis and making it into a vagina. this is not removing a gall bladder this major excuse me shit. this is scary and if I was not scared it would not be rational .
I know in my heart that mentally healing my soul is critical before surgery. it is not surgery or suicide because if one thinks surgery will alleviate all that ills depression and anxiety you are wrong. and perhaps this is why no one really talks about the surgery afterwards is because it is not a cure all .
I have talked to doctors on this topic and one medical provided said , "rachel you get it , while pointing both of her fingers at her head, it is mental." I have developed a support group and none are transgendered and you might ask why ?: I don't have transgendered , black, white friends i simply have friends who have my best interest at heart and are multi dimensional and gender is part of our conversation but not overwhelming part of it . another thing I love about my friends is they never enable me .
for instance ..... as i edit out the names... hard for a transparent person to do.
my friend and I were talking about sexual orientation. I said to her " if a woman is a smoker that is a deal breaker." without missing a step she said, : if you are smoking you better be on fire." I laugh to this day how she took the wind out of my focused conversation and make me laugh.
and yet another woman liked how I was despise any special treatment based on my gender. she said that is what I love about you rachel. I questioned a manager , " are you giving me special treatment?" the manager laughed and said no rachel while laughing about my ridiculous statement. I laughed too because it was ridiculous, my selection of words.
No enabling allowed in circle of friends and allies and thank god because my experience would have been so different. the women in my circle are just like the women I grew up with strong, determined and straight forward. my kinda women where if the wind blows the wrong way we are still by your side and the good weather friends are not.
oops here is a bit more about me. a woman once said to me you want to do it better than anyone else and in fact girl you want to do it 3x better. yes I have chip on my shoulder and am determined to win this battle with gender identity disorder . I am risking it all and betting my life I will win.
henry ford and zig ziglar say, if you think you can or can't you are probably right.
in my journey sadly I have learned that leadership has a price . as follower i had no enemies but as a leader that has changed. again sadly this leadership role and the new unfriendly people has nothing to do with my gender. This hormone treatment has been a lesson in life and brought me out of isolation.
you have enemies? good that meant you stood for something in your life.
by Sir winston Churchill
thank you
rachel
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