blessingn or curse of estrogen?

Today was the best of times and worst of times

I should not be surprised after nearly two years on hormone replacement therapy. But honestly estrogen pushes you so hard and fast to confront every issue you ever dreamt of or experienced in your life. I have had challenges that I have faced in my life but nothing compares to the rage of emotions of estrogen. Nothing.

I keep saying to myself that the world as I know it does not exist any longer. I also say to myself that every day brings a new perceptive of how I respond and react to my world. This is suppose to help me in my mind but in reality it is so much harder than one can imagine. The person that started out to be on this journey two years ago does not exist any longer. In fact that person was someone that I became to appease society but it is what I did to survive.

My experience on estrogen is that the rate has increased exponentially from day 1. That probably is hard to believe but it is the truth. As I have said before by week 2 .I was doing more repetitions with my left arm than my right arm when I lifted weights. This was uncharacteristic because prior to estrogen I did the opposite so the estrogen effect was immediate in my case.

I have been debating for months if I should share with everyone the depth of the effects of estrogen because it has to do with the mind and my mental health. I have known since before I spoke at the regional va conference that I had to be willing to put my mental health on the “ chop block.” I can also can say that few , if any , would use the methods I have to resolve my issues. My approach has been and will remain to attack my issues directly and not back down. I may fail at the end of the day but it will not be from lack of effort.

Now comes the hard part how much to share? There could be many critics that say that gender identity disorder is a mental health condition and it is in the minds of the people who believe they , like myself , were born the wrong identity. I honestly have asked myself that question. I don't give any one a pass including myself in my journey. When I asked this question I immediately asked myself am I happier than I have ever been in my life, healthier and more successful? The answer came to me immediately that yes I am happier, sexy and more successful in my life than I have ever been. As one manager told me, not so long ago, the proof is in the pudding. My ability to produce results speaks for itself.

After two years of hormone replacement therapy I am working a full time position in a large corporation. Additionally when the contract was on the line in the company I went to the manager and said ,” give me 60 days to increase the sales or fire me.' I had never had the heart to do anything before like this in my life. I have spoken for the Va health care system twice and had an article published about me in the same time frame. I have gone from a follower in society to a leadership position in my professional and private life. Where is the down side? I win and society wins because I risked so much and my friends and allies stood by me and their faith in me never waived. They gave me hope and a dream was born. Now that sounds like a zig ziglar speech now but it is the , as he would say, the gospel truth.

Now I would like to talk to you about the depth, strength and the ability of this drug, estrogen. This drug in the wrong hands with false expectations could be deadly and has been deadly in the past. Imagine if you can the ability to go back to yesterday, last week , last year but how about to the late 1960's? Estrogen has given me the gift, or curse, of not only remembering the past but the ability to feel, touch and remember past events with clarity one cannot imagine unless you are in my shoes.

The way estrogen works with me is that when I feel, touch or taste something or remember an event it can and has triggered memories of the past with clarity one should not have in my opinion. The ability to go back to my first grade teacher's class and focus deep enough that I reach into my crayon box and pull out a crayon color I have not used in 40 years is not a gift. When I did this and pulled out a silver crayon I realized that this was not necessarily a gift but could put me in a state of mind where I could go deeper and deeper into the past and perhaps not come back. Personally this scared me so much I learned in the moment to control my thoughts. I have this god given ability to step back from a pressure situation and look at it with perceptive that I had not had before estrogen.

Hence my prior experience to understand that writing a suicide note was the precursor to perhaps an attempted suicide is an ability that few process. I was in the crisis of my life and to ascertain the gravity of the situation and realize that despite my seemingly rational thought to write a suicide note it was not rational at all since a few women close to me really care about me and would miss me if I was not here on this earth. I am speechless to this day of how I was able to , in the moment, diagnose and resolve what could have been a fatal decision on my part and could have ended my life. This is the best example of why your support group is so important while on estrogen. Surrounding yourself with positive and people that are interested in moving forward is the biggest piece of advice I could give any one about to embark on estrogen. Conversely surrounding yourself with negative people could have the opposite effect.

Now that I have danced around what I want to talk about let me tell you about one event that I had no recollection of before estrogen. I had a dog, rusty, and I loved her very much. She was our family dog and … how do I tell you this??? when I was a teenager I must have known I was different because of this an event involving my dog. Last week I remembered going behind my dog's house where no one could see me and crying, crying many times. I had remembered this earlier on estrogen but last week I recalled exactly what I was saying to my dog when I was a young teen. It was “ they don't understand me.” I was referring to my family and everyone else. I just did not remember saying this but due to the estrogen I can almost feel my dogs fur etc. I know it was in the past but what is important is that the memories are so much more vivid and real than before estrogen.

It has become apparent to me because of this event and others that I knew for many years who I was before I left home for the marines. I knew something was different about me but as a child I did not know what. I also remember other events which I will talk about in later blogs that show that my family has to have concerns. But in the 1970's being raised in a conservative part of the country coupled with living in a catholic family I am sure this was very challenging for my mother. I say my mother since my father worked in sales and was not home as much as my mother.

However I have a letter from my father dated in 1984 and he stated in the letter that ...” I tried to make you into a man..... your mother cuddled you.” but many thought since I joined the marines everything was ok. Not exactly!!! I was moving away because I knew in my heart that I could not become who I was inside where I lived.

But every time the door cracked open the opportunity to show the world who I was I pushed the door as hard as I could . For example while at local lingerie store back home around 2000 I was purchasing some lingerie and was trying to figure out if it would fit me. I asked the lady “ do you think this would fit my wife?” She seemed puzzled and said, “ I really don't know.” with me at times I have spoken my mind and things just come out. At this particular time I said, “ okay the lingerie is for me , do you think it will fit me?” The woman's mouth dropped to what I thought was the floor. She was speechless so I said “ I will take the lingerie. “ I proceed to pick up a few more item in the store and went home.

The process of becoming a woman is apparent to me now which started in my teens and I would push a little more each time. To me it was like sales every no lead to a yes. Over the last two years I have plenty of yes's and very few no's but it has taken 40 plus years. I want to help others so it is just a bit easier for the next generation.

Thank you again for allowing me share

rachel

ps the worst today is that every little thing at times because of the depression of 40 years and estrogen brings me to tears but I seem to always find a way to move past and grow. It is so scary in the moment but I am only an email or phone call away from friends. I have put my trust in my friends because I know in my heart that in a crisis making a rational decision without listening to other perceptive could have dangerous results .. This journey is not easy but it is the best of times and worst of times.

Ziglar

“ if you think you can or can't you are probably right.”

the biggest key tp success is the ability to laugh at yourself. I also think the ability to allow and trust others to help you is important and so many have been willing to help me too. I thought I was alone but this is not true.

At times the hardest thing in writing this blog is not giving credit to the men and women who have helped me that you may never see. Honesty many of them are in the va health care system and at xerox. These men and women range from admin assistant, medical staff, fellow employees and others are in leadership positions. Everyone of them helped me understand their perspective which helps me understand my perceptive and grow. This was not possible when I was in isolation and before estrogen.