I understand so much about myself that I did not 23 months ago. ( I have been on estrogen treatment for 23 months as of July 4, 2013.) I understand that in my mind because of the actions of the VA made me feel very, very safe. This enabled me to grow and learn at a very rapid pace. The safer I feel the more I am willing to share. (info edited for my friends privacy)
This is only because I have not been able to explain everything to ? my therapist, because of the pace I have been compelled to process information and problem solve. The pace that I must problem solve has increased exponentially since week two of hormone therapy treatment.
I honestly knew from week two of the treatment I was in for a journey no one talks about. It was such a shock to my body that I imagined myself in a roller coaster and I was holding on for my life. I was aware of this and acknowledged this to myself in week two. I wanted to be who I was born to be , a woman..
In the second month of therapy I wrote a few profound statements. I put them aside and looked at them the next day. I wondered who is this woman? I knew at this point god had touched me. I never had written anything like this in my life. When I wrote things like … it is my obligation to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves, I am willing to risk homelessness to achieve my goals, etc. I had committed to goals that might put me in danger and was willing to die for my beliefs. I had no idea how this woman inside me had stayed quiet for so long.
(edited out for privacy)
The only time I thought of turning back was in May 2012. My mother had died in January, my aunt died in April and by may of 2012 I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I had pulled my hamstring shortly after my aunt died. In may I had three panic attacks which resulted in three trips to the Portland VA via ambulance.
I was determined to see it through and started a blog initially because if I did not survive the hormone therapy there would be at least one true story for people to read. I was so scared in May of 2012 but I have never told anyone just how bad that phrase of my life was at the time. I would go to sleep with my cell phone next to my head and fall asleep with 911 already keyed in so all I had to do is press send to call an ambulance. I was so scared I would die from the panic attacks.
One panic attack was so bad that I woke up from a dead sleep and was blacking in and out and tried to walk out my apartment naked at first. I went back into my apartment put some clothes on quickly. I was walking out of my apartment blacking in and out of consciousness while dialing 911 (emergency) for an ambulance. I heard….. For English.. Press . I was in true fight of flight mode and quickly processed that this meant press 1 for English. By the time I was in the elevator I was not blacking out too much and started to calm down some. I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance and VA staff reassured me every step of the process that it will be ok Rachel. This help me calm down quickly and the panic attack went as fast as it had come.
I realized now that I have to say this is not real and the panic attack will not kill me. I had a friend who was a nurse tell me this. I am so blessed to have so many women around me that care about me. This seemingly small statement helped me understand and realize that although I had the symptoms of a panic attack, It was not real. This was a major hurdle. My friend was right that my heart is strong and I would make through this part of my life.
After this my right handed dominance which started to switch to left hand dominance in week two was moving very quickly to affect more than a few parts of my life. It started in June -July to put my make up on, shave, etc with my left hand. It was no more a choice any more than my gender. I know in grade school I tried to use my left hand in first grade and my mother said no you are right handed. One must understand that in the 60’s and 70’s if you were left handed this might mean you had a mental illness.
By September 2012 I had started my job at Xerox and now I was using my left hand to use the mouse. The anxiety was increased when I don’t use my left hand and I have noticed since about the one year mark on estrogen. I can tell now if I switch back to my right hand I am in fight or flight mode because of the stress. This is a clear indication that the stress I am in and the situation is too much for me. This was in the first year of hormone
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