I have provided an exact copy of an email sent to my friends which tell the truth of the challenges, horrors, and the gift of a good life on hormone treatment. This journey is not easy nor for anyone that wants to give it less than 100 percent effort.
I will not toe the line of a subculture that endorses secrecy at the expense of lives. So many "transgendered" women have gone through what I have with no support only to commit suicide. Why? From my prospective the secrecy is because of the fear of losing their hormone prescription. The lack of support and understand contributes further depression which results in suicide. (one study states the attempted suicide rate is 30-50 in the transgendered community)
I have edited out some portions of the email because as much as I have the right to go public my friends have the right to their privacy.
here is the email below:
hi,
I have to share a copy of my blog stats with the both of you. I was
crying and in disbelief of where the audience of my blog has gone
since the publication of the veteran's administration article. I have found my work with
the veteran's administration and the blog to have made a profound difference in my life. to
actually see people from so many countries viewing what I write about
my life is profound and has had a positive affect on my attitude and enable me to survive the hormone replacement therapy.
There are no words to describe the impact the both of you have had in my life.
June 4 will mark the 22nd month of hormones replace therapy. I can
honestly say that the hormones are raging nearly 24/7 . I have never
felt the pull like this with the hrt treatment. I am becoming more
feminine and my right hand dominance has switched to left. I do
everything in my life with my left hand. I have picked up a pen to write with my left hand only to realize I am suppose to be right handed. I am learning to write with
my left hand. for the last few months . I realized last week I cannot fight it any longer and I have started to practice printing with my left hand.
the journey is getting more and more intense. I am literally holding
on by a thread so many days but I seem to find a way to overcome the
challenges and move forward. there is a coworker at xerox where I work
now and she says she was made to do female things when she wanted to
do male things growing up. we talked a few times and she is convinced
that I need to speak on the local radio here. I tried to explain that I
have tried to talk to the local media but they are not too warm to me.
This woman says that is their problem. " you need to help the younger
generation."
I feel the moral obligation to speak but need a little more time. Once
I am settled in my new apartment and have job which is more stable I will
speak in public but until then I will work on my blog and my personal
life. I am seeking work in sales field outside of the call center and once I have found a direct sales position I will be in a position to speak in public.
I believe all the struggles and challenges while I am on hormones have
increased the effectiveness of the estrogen. i have seen this every
time I overcome a new challenge. how? I can feel the surge of estrogen in
my body beyond what it ever has been before. The empowerment of the
challenges are proportional to the effectiveness of the estrogen. I
believe what happens is with the combination of the estrogen growing
and expanding the neurons of the brain and the new path ways I create
because of the challenges has accelerated the overall effectiveness
and rate of the hormone therapy.
I have new friends at work and well , as usual, the women in my life
are the source of my energy. They have make me feel safe and have empowered
me. I have been able to let my guard down and enjoy who I am in a
company atmosphere. The conversation with my friends at work helped
me grow into more and more of the woman which I sought to become for
decades. One woman and I are flirting with each other very openly.
Portland is a very different environment compared to where I lived for
so many years.
I think the reason for my rapid success on hrt is a combination of my
environment in the VA health care system, portland, and my work
environment. This combination has created a nearly perfect environment
for the estrogen to work most effectively. I believe with each step of
empowerment it will increase the effectiveness and help me heal and grown.
I believe it is both nature and nurture when it comes to hormone
therapy. one without the other will only return marginal returns but
both return a life that few have the opportunity to enjoy. i am one of
the lucky ones and from what I see one of the few that talks about it
openly. The women at work are amazed at my strength to speak about my
life. I try to explain to people that I receive 10 times what I give when I
speak of my life and challenges.
I had not yet met one transgendered woman I could have a heart to
heart conversation. all my close friends are women. the fact is I don't have female , male, black, white , lesbian,
hetero friends but I have friends and all of them happen to be women.
I have friends where we have many other things in common other than our
gender. we speak of politics , religion, work, etc and yes some
gender. but the gender issue does not dominate the conversations.
I am struggling more and more with sexual reassignment surgery. to be
perfectly honest I am crying each night and morning about this issue
and it is very hard to cope with most of the time. The only thing I
can do is save money for the surgery and it can not come quick enough. I am
glad I have so many women around me to help me understand so many care
about me.
although at times there are some suicide thoughts which are
preceded by thoughts of why am I like this and why can't I get the
surgery yet?( had a made the choice to surround myself with the
people who focus on negatives in life..... I might not be here otherwise dead...... so many blame
society for everything that is wrong with them..... at some point one
must move forward with their life......and engage society and the
challenges that come with it) again I have chosen my support network and friends very carefully which has made a big difference in my experience on hormones.
the bigger issue I thought of the other day could be? what if after
the surgery it is even more challenging? it is my prospective that nothing is like it was in past nor will it be in the future or today. my mindset and prospective can change suddenly by the day or hour. this medicine is , in my words, the most dangerous medicine one can put in her body. it changes who you are to the point ... as one woman told me, " rachel it is not that you changed , it is how fast you changed."
you cannot understand how scary this is for me. I don't like the same foods, movies, everything and anything has changed. the scariest part is that there is no one to talk to about it because of this wall of secrecy . The doctors and providers cannot help because no one talks. This is total insanity. A doctor who is on the WPATH board I talked to is right, my experience too, " they will not talk to us nor you." But , I , Rachel, will talk to the doctors and providers and anyone that will listen. The real story needs told. If not me , then who ????
I think my forward thinking
is an asset which helps me cope and realistically look at my gender
issues. my secret is I have brought so many women close to me because
I knew it would be a difficult journey. I thought bringing so many
close would help me go off the medicine if the doctor recommended it
any point. I now think no matter what I would resist any reduction or
removing estrogen treatment . everything is well monitored but it
still scares me to think there is a possibility what if?
I am in a space I did not conceive nor thought existed. I am praying
to god that I can make it through this journey and heal myself and
others. I honestly cried today because I feel like I have almost made
it to the other side of the fence in my personal life. I have no idea
how I made it this far in only two years when I was "trapped " in an
apartment in Pennsylvania less than 3 year ago. I asked myself why do I have so
much and yet others struggle with no or little support. I am compelled
to talk and help. I have been blessed with gifts and people in my life
only god could have provided.
I know before I spoke at the regional conference that if I did not
speak the opportunity for someone like me to speak may not have
happened for decades. I took it so serious and realized the impact I
could have on the heals of the death of my mother. But I had no idea
people would know about me from other countries. I cannot stop what
was started back in feb 2012 nor do I want to.
thank you so much ,
rachel
Rachel Reid "woman of her dreams" • Stats › Audience
May 25, 2013 9:00 PM – Jun 1, 2013 8:00 PM NowDayWeekMonthAll time
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