private email to a dear friends and panic attack

hi here is a personal email and it really tells the story of what it is like on the front lines of trying to go public about my story.... and so many others i am sure too

no accident and the grace of god.(oops) the situation had reached a level that caused a panic attack last night, major binge eating and I awoke in the middle of the night with a panic attack.... chest pains, stomach pains..... i told myself it is not real but i was so scared I did what I have done in the past.... pre dialed 911...and feel asleep with the phone next to me. if people knew what damage and stress it causes they would be more compassionate towards not only transgenderd people but humanity.

i also sounded off in a facebook group about the regional speech and how I was part of large group and it was not all me, but I just did my part. and several " trans" women liked the comment. there are many of me but we remain stealth. there will be a time for me to speak publicly but it will have to be on a ground of my choosing and with people I trust. no truer words were spoke when i stated at the regional conference.... my enemies are not in the va but outside the thick walls of the va. I also told........ I am well protected in xerox but not outside of it. i have known for a long time the reality of the situation but I am searching for a way to enlisted the help of the public in helping so many.

note:  it my opinion that on monday I will be the media darling and worshiped and by friday the certain members of media would hang me out to dry.i have known the risk of going public since before the speech at the va regional conference. i effectively broke ranks with an entire subculture for the greater good of the subculture .  before me I don't think any one dare speak to the depth and truth on hormones publicly . however if the public does not know the truth all they have to go on is what is in the media. my goal is to change the perceptions of women like me and I am doing it one heart at a time.

the pain between my legs increases by the day but the women around me again have protected me for my worst enemy me and those who would take advantage me for reasons of pure greed.

you have a great weekend too

thank you

rachel

ps i am much more at peace with myself today .... had i left that situation go on much longer ..... I don't want to think about it ..... i am glad I am back to normal ..... moody, bitchy at times, passionate with my trusting friends, crying, all the emotions of a woman.... i am happy once again ..............thank you

rachel unedited interview from last week

hi ,

i have decided to let the public see the unedited portion of my interview.  I hope it helps others understand and creates conversations within society for real change. please download the video before viewing. the second portion of the interview I cannot share at this time because of the xerox name.  I have the utmost respect for xerox but using their name entails legal issues .  as soon as I edit out the xerox name or get the approval of xerox legal I will post that portion of the interview.
thank you for allowing me to share

rachel

https://www.dropbox.com/s/utd714kxxwsbupi/Rachel%20Reid%20on%202013-10-20%20at%2017.44.mov

please do virus scan after download... it is from a 3rd party..... i will start doing utube this weekend

rachel it is time to raise money and bring this surgery to the forefront via live feed

hi

I am very determined to beat this disease and succeed where so many have failed. My goal is to ensure that others do have to endure the pain I have over the last few decades and fight the wars I have in the last 2 yrs.  There was no reason for people's  actions in many cases except their perception of who I am based on the media, experiences and generalization of who and what a woman like me is, none.  I intend to bring this disease to the forefront and with me there is literally no in between . there is only success and failure . I have been pressed into a leadership position because there really is no leadership within the subculture but plenty of politics is going on today.

again woman like me almost always just blend in society especially after surgery. not me , I intend to lay the foundation for a longterm solution for others with the help of so many others in society.  there is no way I can do this by myself and this comes from a woman that prided herself on doing it her way and by her self.  in the past I tend to , when I decide, move you out of my way with an oliver branch and if that did not work I did not hesitate using any methods available less physical force. I have changed dramatically in the last two years because of hormones. I have found who I am and I can work with others but trusting others  to do their job is hard for me since  in the past I have found so many are inept.  I have been compelled to change to survive and I have grown personally and professionally.

here is an email to a friend and my goals

I am going to talk to my banker friend about setting up a separate account to fund surgery since I read an article where paypal. stop and seized monies that funded a site for surgery not related to surgery .they held all monies for six months quoting irs regulations. I would be crushed if that happened to me.

the kinda site I would set up is below and I would link it to utube , facebook and my blog and anything you have in mind. i plan to reach out to my friends at xerox, va and who ever to reach the goal of 20k. but honestly If I reach 15k I am going to thailand. The relationship I have at xerox would make it possible to leave tomorrow If I had the monies in place.

I cannot take the pain much longer. I am mentally preparing and the mental issues of the past are quickly falling to the way side. the estrogen is a powerful drug and will either cure me or kill me. i have no in between and that is my personality. I like my chances of success and I would not wish this hell on anyone in the world. there is no reason for the wars I have fought in the last 2 yrs and well beyond.

talk to you later today

thank you

rachel

just fixed a glitch in blog oopps and here is video again

hi

i just fixed the settings so anyone can leave a comment now. thank you for bringing that to my attention. and here is the link to my video again. and thank you to peter for taking the time to cut and put it all together. now our project is to put together a sponsor to fund my surgery for video and in the ultimate world ... real time feed.

here is the link to my video again

thank you

rachel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTeRDCPQIxc

rachel's big goal to help my self and so many others..... real time surgery video feed

hi

This project I started nearly two years ago was to created awareness and remove the misconceptions of what woman like me is or is not.  I wanted to created one real story that was so transparent that it will help so many others in society. This is a group project unlike any other which has brought together the very best men and women in society . What pains me is that as big as this project gets the men and women that you will never see have had and will have the biggest impact in my life and this project. the group has put endless hours and devoted their time when they did not have to because it helps others and is the right thing to do.

the goal of this group , and myself, is to continue doing videos and find way to have a live video feed of my surgery where the process is completely transparent.this would include the up close and personal video of the entire surgery and the men and women around. I am determined to become the one that breaks the wall of secrecy of the subculture and this disease. I intend to win and help myself and so many others. But , unlike so many times in my life, I cannot do this alone because it will take a large group of people to accomplish a goal that no one has dared take on in the past. but I thought while I was in bed of what zig ziglar would say," it is not the goal that is important but who you become in the process. " this is a profound and such a true statement.

Early next week I will put a link in my blog to a external site for the express purpose of raising monies necessary for surgery. the fund will be set up so the only way I can access the monies are for the surgery and not unless the goal of 20k is reached. this is perfect to me because I am all or none woman and I intend on succeeding.

god bless all of you for helping in my journey,

thank you so much

rachel

finally rachel's first video clip from the interview over the weekend

hi,,

here is my video clip posted on youtube. please keep in mind I was sick all the night before so I am not at my best  but the message is what is important is the message. I hope you  like the clip and please know what you think and if you have any suggestions for future videos.

thank you

rachel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTeRDCPQIxc

rachel first video promo available by Friday

hi

I just received and viewed the clips of my nearly 2 hr interview which will be put into a 4 minute clip to be promoted in the nyc area.  I know what others see in me now... a genuine woman..... next time I need to focus on the positive changes with estrogen and how my life has changed for the better. I think I did better than when I was speaking... i was focused on the message when I speak .... now I can work on the delivery of the message next time.(the 4 minute clip will be ready by Friday)

I have gone from the shy kid in the corner of the classroom to a public speaker and that alone is proof positive estrogen can , and in my case, is worth all the heart ache and pain.  I am putting all of my efforts into this project because the fact is no one knows if I will die tomorrow or I will live to be 100 yrs old.  more than likely I will live to be a strong old woman since one grandmother lived to 100 and another to 95.  God help us all lol.

I am in awe if I step back and really see all I have accomplished in 2 short years on hormones.  but in the moment it rips at my heart like nothing that is talked about. I pray to god I will make it to surgery and beyond to help so many . this is my dream ... help others after I heal myself .... with my friend's and god's help.

thank you

rachel

making first video today wow

the opportunity to grow beyond my dreams is within my grasp.  i am scared as hell and wonder if god and friends  can with stand something so bold ? i think so but believe me when i nearly backed out of this opportunity i have the realization of the criticism I will receive on the left and right .  no one has dared talk about the mental health aspect of the hormone treatment and share their personal story before it seems. but i hope my message will be one of hope and others will tell their story from the prospective of humanity where everyone's opinion is important to the conversation.  this is not a transgender story but a story of a woman who has lived a good life and wants all that life has to offer and is willing to risk it all including death given the surgery is just beyond experimental stage but the possible complication can be dangerous to your well being and not talked about in the public realm.

I will share the video once I have the clip available to me.

thank you for allowing me share

rachel

article concerning transgendered community and so true

http://www.infobarrel.com/Lateral_Hostility_and_the_Transgender_Woman

this is so true and why I cannot remain silent.

thank you

rachel

rachel: how I healed and back to rachel and xerox

hi

I wanted to share how I healed my heart and soul in such a short period of time. first, the women around me are angels in my life. their faith in me never waived however they did not enable me but held me up and they actually pushed me forward because of the relationship we have developed over the years  .

I have a great therapist at the portland va and well... she said rachel you want to work on this worksheet or..... as you pulled it away from me... i said yes... she said are you sure.. i was laughing so hard because she was closing me on a sale of helping myself and I knew it. i would not trade her for anyone. she has been nothing but fantastic to me.

The woman who requested I see the therapist .... said words I never heard her use..... " you promise you will go to your therapist..... that scared me because that is when I knew the situation last week was serious.  I immediately reached out to my therapist.

The third woman well this is a complicated situation.  I can say this publicly that some might think she is really stern but I see her as a very strong woman .  she says what she feels she has to and what is in your best interest not what you want to hear. this is exactly what a friend does , a true friend any how.  she told me .... I expect you to do follow though with what your therapist told you ... and relax....this woman makes me laugh because she is so much like the women in my family. but more importantly she says many things I am thinking in any given moment and in all honesty knows what and how I will react to any given situation.  she is a source of strength to me that  many would  not understand ......

here is the email i sent to a friend and what helped me along with my friends


i really healed because I changed what I watch and listen to . I watched a movie on netflix "the perfect ending." which was about a lesbian love affair which ended with one passing due to an illness. I was in tears and it really touched my heart.

I also listened to celine dion.... love her music .....over one hour of xmas and very calming music

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTS-2CJkbKQ&list=LLc8dChWdbSxWn7OKYGZoanw


thank you all for allowing me to share my story . as my one friend would say , " it is a honor..."

rachel

private email to a friend with edited info

hi

I thought I would share a private email to a friend with edited info for our privacy

thank you

rachel


I am on a journey and my ability to piece the puzzle together is very unique . i ran across the first article in science daily about suicide rate and BDNF. I searched the key words BDNF and estradiol. (not sure how to turn off bold sorry) I came up with a possible reason why estradiol was/is so effective with me not possible others have a different experience.

it turns out what is termed BDNF is effected estradiol in a positive way. I also read a article where some doctors prescribe estradiol and recommend exercise. this is precisely what I have followed over the especially the first six months. perhaps this would explain my intense experience on estrogen which was mixed with a health dose of dopamine as ...... would say.

I also read an article that the protective layer that estradiol gives the brain can be undone by progesterone which used in treatment of some trangendered patients especially in the  community. it is my understanding that progesterone is prescribed for patients that do not respond well with estrogen to develop breast.

However, in my case the right mix of exercise and estradiol has challenged me like no other I have talked to so far. the left handed issue I have experienced and a switch of hand dominance is rare at best. and with me the more I fight it the more it creates anxiety. one cannot fight mother nature.

I am somewhat better and realized today that it is not transitioning to female or how one what to label it that has challenged me but deprogramming a marine and...... from fighting.(edited out info) . the realization that this is my core issue which is holding back my healing is very painful.

it took me nearly breaking to admit this is the core issue and I learned this while I was running today. I don't know what happens during running but weights do not have this same effect. the .......r and the training of the marines has programmed me to do one thing fight the enemy but now the enemy is me.

to move forward I have to let the woman within me guide me. letting go of the passive aggressive behavior and fight and flight mode is what i need to heal before surgery. only the woman inside can heal me and guide me through surgery and the whole process. but every time i feel any stress i go back to fight and flight and all of it's self destructive behaviors.


here are the links that I am referring to in the email

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/10/131010205325.htm?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+sciencedaily%2Fhealth_medicine%2Fpsychology+%28ScienceDaily%3A+Health+%26+Medicine+News+--+Psychology+Research%29

http://journals.cambridge.org/action/displayAbstract?fromPage=online&aid=8653809

http://www.grad.illinois.edu/content/effects-estradiol-and-exercise-brain-derived-neurotrophic-factor-levels-untrained-naïve-fema

thoughts on video I am making ...asking for god's guidance

Hi,

Again I have come to a crossroad in my life. I think all of us can relate to reaching milestones in our life but putting yourself in public eye comes with more risk as well as personal growth. I thought I had everything planned out and would  start doing Utube videos last month. The fact is there is a vast difference between speaking in an audience of the Veteran's Administration Hopstial or Regional conference. First , the audience is more narrow than the general public because they serve veterans. . Also , it is my opinion that each one that attended had a positive experience which was talked about in the work place and at home. I knew in the crisis of my life what was at stake when I spoke at the Regional Conference on the heels of my mother's death. However, recording and putting videos in the public domain opens up the doors for far more criticism and much more.(I am concerned because I know how sensitive i am and how easily I cry.)

I thought I had , in my head, calculated everything from my family seeing the videos to my fellow employers who know me as Rachel. But, knowing me as Rachel at work and revealing so much that is personal to me in the public domain could change my personal and professional life. To me the benefits out weigh the risks. Well I was wrong again.

Not everything was taken into consideration. First, I set up the webcam which had been in my possession for over one month. Not that I am procrastinating or anything lol. So I am setting  up the webcam and I am hoping that some software glitch will delay my ability to do videos. That did not work out because everything downloaded and installed smoothly. Second, I looked at myself in the webcam and I have a self image issue because of what I think and what I think others will think of me. This self confidence issue has been in my mind most of my life. This evidently is not resolved. So I definitely will have to get all dolled up for the videos. As zilgar would say,” first impressions are lasting .” we all are in sales whether we sell a service or product. I am trying to sell that a woman like me can live a professional life and help others. That has been my goal from day one and much before I took estrogen. But my healthy self image is an issue and that is not the major issue to me.

The major issue is not something I had planned on. The fact that my family , friends from back home will see me is not a concern. My self image I can work around and once I start , just like a sales call or a speech, I will be rocking and rolling and that is simply me. The major problem is when I blog there is not one time I do not break down crying because of the pain involved with the healing of my soul. I cry so hard sometimes writing my blog that I cannot see my words. It is that emotional to me. Now everyone from the USA to europe , asia , south america and beyond will see me for the first time. There will be a face and real person behind the blog. I am trying to make peace with this and it is harder than I thought it would be to go public on the net with videos.  

As I have told my friends I cannot stop something I started and my willingness and ability to help us is an obligation to me. But in all honesty I heal 10X as much when I share my story. I am attempting to upload a video by tomorrow but more than likely it will be next Monday.I will probably let my close friends take a peek and get feedback then post one on line. I will then put the link in my blog.  

My emotions are I am terrified, scared so much I am crying now. I am not sure how this will impact my physical and mental health. But if the speeches at the VA are any indications it will heal me immensely.

Honestly this journey of hormones and what so many call “transitioning” is not for someone that wants to give a go at it. Your heart and soul must be into it but the journey on hormones and it will test you like you never have been tested. It makes raising my daughter, college and marine corps bootcamp seem like a vacation. I would highly recommend you have a healthy support system and friends inside and outside the GLBT community before starting hormones . I am only as strong as the women around me. I know I have said this many times and I believe it with all my heart.

Again thank you to all of my friends who make my journey possible,

god bless

rachel

facebook post on xerox , va and me

i have taken a short leave of absence, one week, from work due to hormones and stress related to it. I found out , as months before, so many do care about me from the most unlikely places, xerox and the portland va. all the stories in media, online and other sources have been misrepresentations and distorted points of view from my experience with both xerox and the va. because of line news articles that we are bombarded with on a daily basis many in america have drawn conclusions of how and what both organizations act and respond to concerns.

in my darkest hours I have found that the people of xerox and the va have been with me every step of the way. the people in the organizations from the administrative assistant , coworker to upper level management have been nothing but kind , caring and supportive. I am deeply hurt that the media circulates news articles and editorials that are designed to do one thing , make money, at the expense of the good people in xerox and the va. As my mother would say , " shame on you."

I think you can see that I am very supportive of both organizations and people that serve veterans and the people who work with and for xerox. a ziglar quote :You are only as good as the people around you and thus I am one of the best at what I do because I am surrounded by the very best in society. Marine arrogance no just the fact of life. you are a product of your environment. also you are only as good as the people around you.

So when I had the courage to ask to speak in the va health care system which has included 50 directors and another speech of 100 plus. and take on a big project in xerox one that no one dare take on it was because of the people around me. I friend once told me , "rachel , it is all you." I responded, " if not fo you I would not be where I am today." She said, " I am just doing my Part." Thus I am just doing my part in both organizations and feel so blessed in so many way working for and around xerox and the va.

thank you and god bless each one of you

rachel

rachel real life challenges and estrogen changes how you think demands your very best

here is an email to a friend,

know what people think and that some , like her, think that I am no more than a freak in a dress. i even asked her is that what you really think that I am a guy in dress? ........that particular event told me so much about her and opened up a wound I know the real answer to. I thought in the moment what if I was dating a woman and she told me... you're not a real woman. how would I react. then I thought what if ........me as no more than a freak in a dress. I realized in a crisis that this was not the case but I also know this is why so many of the transgendered community hide from everyone. I will keep my distance from her but my other friendship with women will remained unchanged.

tonight was a horrible experience which I would not wish upon anyone. I did however think of suicide for a brief moment, going back to don etc. but the strange thing is that to calm myself down I started to caress my knee lightly with the fingernail tips of one hand. this is something that I do when I am in a crisis. this started when I had the 3 panic attacks in one month in may 2012. I just don't want to feel this pain . I only wish she knew how much I wished I was born a woman and every morning I cry and say .... mother why can you put me back up in you and pull out a girl...... every day.

I am not asking for pity from anyone but society's kindness and honesty would be nice . this woman could not even be honest with me even when given the opportunity ....... . then I thought of what you told me long ago. who gets to determine who and what a woman is... surely not her nor anyone. I run when i am hurt to the women I trust.

i just want the pain to end and it never will and I have made peace with this but someone that used to be close to me cut me so deep and this I do not understand. I know my mother would say consider the source. and I know the woman has issues but in the moment this does not ease the pain. but writing about it does and this transference of experience helped heal my soul.

I have a great life but the challenges are unparalleled too.  I am in the best health in 30 plus years and work in a major corporation.  I speak publicly and so much is good but behind the scenes there are half a dozen women guiding me on my journey. thank you and god bless to each of them.

without women, as I have said so many times, there would be no rachel

thank you and god bless

rachel

rachel... I was wrong again!!!!!!

hi

After talking with a friend of mine, ann, I realize that going down the path of self  destructive behavior has plagued me most of my life. what does this have to do with the people and organizations that have hurt me , everything.  Everything I wrote about in the last few days is true, however, I am not like them and I do not want their problems. they have hurt me so, so bad but to stoop to their level is falling into the self destructive behaviors and hatred gets no one any where.

My friend Ann simply asked me ? what is/are my goals? I want to  live my life with a loving woman in the country and I want to be happy.  This brought me to tears because the path I almost choose would have destroyed me . how do I know this? last time I went after someone , my employer from back east, I brought the fiery of a woman scorned. I brought it hard and fast and dug up information on his hidden companies. I worked 12 hour days putting cases together for federal and state agencies which put me in contact with FBI and IRS agents.  I was on a first name basis with federal agents and a US senator aid . It cost him probably 1/2 million to a million in us government contract business and the potential for more  contracts  at  US military bases.  But he still was in business and I gained really nothing but I did learn that hatred is very self destructive.

thus, as my friend Ann told me today it is my love that draws people to me. She helped me so much, as I cry, to heal and stop something before it got started. I am so lucky to have so many women that care around me . I would have  destroyed so much and for what?

This healing of the soul on hormones is so hard. you really learn who you really are and the people around you are far more important than estradiol.  the kindness of women around me has saved my soul.  others are not so lucky.

thank you everyone that has helped me heal and thank you for protecting me from my worst enemy , me.

rachel