sexual reassignment sugery money ideas

hi


The situation with my surgery is reaching a critical threshold and I have to find a way that is out of the box to raise monies for surgery.  I am pondering about speaking in public and request donations for my surgery.  I honestly never thought the drive or need for surgery would be this intense.

I am thinking about how would my mentor , zig ziglar , handle this situation and keep my dignity.  the issue has become overwhelming and this requires something that is out of the box.  I have competed projects in us govt contracting that no one else seem to be able to completed but my own personal issues are pressing my silence nature and ability to think in aq crisis.

I always find a way but I am exhausted every day after work because I cry and cry and cry.  I am being tested like never before in my life.  I will find a way to raise monies but I have not figured it out yet.

advice: if you start hormones you should have plan in place to raise monies for surgery . because you may think you don't want surgery when you start hormones but that can change quickly .

this is what happend to me.

thank you and thank you for allowing me to share my story,

rachel

promise of youtube video on anniversary of estrogen

hi

I have decided that by the anniversary on two years of treatment on estrogen I will start doing you tube video's.  the two year anniversary is aug 4, 2013. I know I will risk so much but when weighing out how much I will heal and help others there was no decision to make.

I have never been challenged like I have on estrogen nor has been talked about in the media, internet, transgendered community etc.  I wish I had someone to help guide me on hormones and learning on the fly is not really wise but there were no other choices for me once I started the treatment.

A therapist in portland asked me to never stop speaking about my experiences on hormones about one year ago. I said to her, " I am just getting started ... I will not go stealth once I am healed and have surgery." I have made promises to many who have helped me in my journey and I will keep those promises without exception.

I cry so much now because of this disease and  my advantage is my ability to speak about this disease. my sales ability has been pivotal in my growth. my ability to speak on something so close to my heart while in crisis has challenged me and helped me grow, heal in two short years beyond anything I could have imagined .

I cry now when I go to the bathroom and, how do i say this politely, adjust my panties. The pain is like nothing you can imagine.  I don't know what cancer is like nor do I want to but it is my cancer and I need it cut out and removed .  This is a ziglar thing, the glass is half full and I will figure a way to get surgery and heal before the surgery.

the question I have to my self is  will surgery relieve the pain or move me to the next level and challenge me even more? I really will not know but last week when I acknowledge that what I am undertaking is radical and needed is also dangerous. we are talking about cutting my penis and making it into a vagina. this is not removing a gall bladder this major excuse me shit. this is scary and if I was not scared it would not be rational .

  I know in my heart that mentally healing my soul is critical before surgery. it is not surgery or suicide because if one thinks surgery will alleviate all that ills depression and anxiety you are wrong. and perhaps this is why no one really talks about the surgery afterwards is because it is not a cure all .

I have talked to doctors on this topic and one medical provided said , "rachel you get it , while pointing both of her fingers at her head, it is mental." I have developed a support group and none are transgendered and you might ask why ?: I don't have transgendered , black, white  friends i simply have friends who have my best interest at heart and are multi dimensional and gender is  part of our conversation but not overwhelming part of it . another thing I love about my friends is they never enable me .


for instance ..... as i edit out the names... hard for a transparent person to do.

my friend and I were talking about sexual orientation.  I said to her " if a woman is a smoker that is a deal breaker." without missing a step she said, : if you are smoking you better be on fire." I laugh to this day how she took the wind out of my focused conversation and make me laugh.

and yet another woman liked how I was despise any special treatment based on my gender. she said that is what I love about you rachel.  I questioned  a manager , " are you giving me special treatment?" the manager laughed and said no rachel while laughing about my ridiculous  statement. I laughed too because it was ridiculous, my selection of words.

No enabling allowed in circle of friends and allies and thank god because my experience would have been so different. the women in my circle are just like the women I grew up with  strong, determined and straight forward.  my kinda women where if the wind blows the wrong way we are still by your side and the good weather friends are not.

oops here is a bit more about me.  a woman once said to me you want to do it better than anyone else and in fact girl you want to do it 3x better. yes I have chip on my shoulder and am determined to win this battle with gender identity disorder . I am risking it all and betting my life I will win.

henry ford and zig ziglar say, if you think you can or can't you are probably right.

in my journey sadly I have learned that leadership has a price . as follower i had no enemies but as a leader that has changed.  again sadly this leadership role and the  new unfriendly people has nothing to do with my gender. This hormone treatment has been a lesson in life and brought me out of isolation.

you have enemies? good that meant you stood for something in your life.
by Sir winston Churchill


thank you

rachel

email " i may know why others don't speak in public"

I realized long ago I had to find a way to blend/merge the past with the present and future. On my wall are my accomplishments as "Donald" and "Rachel." I cannot change the past nor would I want to in my mind. I served my country as a Marine, graduated from Penn State and raised my daughter. effectively would amount to cutting myself and destroy me.


I have read and heard others like me that once they " transition " that they want to forget the past because it is too painful I would suspect. This is a zig ziglar thing where I turn a negative into a positive. where others see their past as a negative and have lived a lie which I would concur I have done too. however, I can only move forward and accept things for what they are. this is easier said then done but it is necessary to heal in my opinion. I have known this for nearly 1 1/2 years . this is critical in the healing process but how to do it is another thing.


I believe this may be the central reason why others do not want to go public about their stories. You have to open up wounds that only god could help one heal. I literally have opened up and continue to open up more wounds by the day. but with each challenge I overcome this accelerates the estrogen and heals me more.

edited out due to private email

. I hope as I go more public others will it is safe to speak out . again I cannot stop what I started with god's guidance. honestly most days I feel like the thread I am holding by will break. 'during these days my breast hurt so much and then I become light headed. this is when at times , on occasion, the experience is so intense I feel like I am going to pass out.  Not so long go the experience was so shocking to my body my vision became so blurred I could not see at work. I literally holding my hand over one eye and relying on my memory for the sales script.


thank you for helping me in my journey. I cried a lot this weekend because I have so much help and still my life is so surreal.


rachel


ps edit out..... I think my drug of choice is estrogen and subconsciously my body and mind want more and more estrogen.

blessingn or curse of estrogen?

Today was the best of times and worst of times

I should not be surprised after nearly two years on hormone replacement therapy. But honestly estrogen pushes you so hard and fast to confront every issue you ever dreamt of or experienced in your life. I have had challenges that I have faced in my life but nothing compares to the rage of emotions of estrogen. Nothing.

I keep saying to myself that the world as I know it does not exist any longer. I also say to myself that every day brings a new perceptive of how I respond and react to my world. This is suppose to help me in my mind but in reality it is so much harder than one can imagine. The person that started out to be on this journey two years ago does not exist any longer. In fact that person was someone that I became to appease society but it is what I did to survive.

My experience on estrogen is that the rate has increased exponentially from day 1. That probably is hard to believe but it is the truth. As I have said before by week 2 .I was doing more repetitions with my left arm than my right arm when I lifted weights. This was uncharacteristic because prior to estrogen I did the opposite so the estrogen effect was immediate in my case.

I have been debating for months if I should share with everyone the depth of the effects of estrogen because it has to do with the mind and my mental health. I have known since before I spoke at the regional va conference that I had to be willing to put my mental health on the “ chop block.” I can also can say that few , if any , would use the methods I have to resolve my issues. My approach has been and will remain to attack my issues directly and not back down. I may fail at the end of the day but it will not be from lack of effort.

Now comes the hard part how much to share? There could be many critics that say that gender identity disorder is a mental health condition and it is in the minds of the people who believe they , like myself , were born the wrong identity. I honestly have asked myself that question. I don't give any one a pass including myself in my journey. When I asked this question I immediately asked myself am I happier than I have ever been in my life, healthier and more successful? The answer came to me immediately that yes I am happier, sexy and more successful in my life than I have ever been. As one manager told me, not so long ago, the proof is in the pudding. My ability to produce results speaks for itself.

After two years of hormone replacement therapy I am working a full time position in a large corporation. Additionally when the contract was on the line in the company I went to the manager and said ,” give me 60 days to increase the sales or fire me.' I had never had the heart to do anything before like this in my life. I have spoken for the Va health care system twice and had an article published about me in the same time frame. I have gone from a follower in society to a leadership position in my professional and private life. Where is the down side? I win and society wins because I risked so much and my friends and allies stood by me and their faith in me never waived. They gave me hope and a dream was born. Now that sounds like a zig ziglar speech now but it is the , as he would say, the gospel truth.

Now I would like to talk to you about the depth, strength and the ability of this drug, estrogen. This drug in the wrong hands with false expectations could be deadly and has been deadly in the past. Imagine if you can the ability to go back to yesterday, last week , last year but how about to the late 1960's? Estrogen has given me the gift, or curse, of not only remembering the past but the ability to feel, touch and remember past events with clarity one cannot imagine unless you are in my shoes.

The way estrogen works with me is that when I feel, touch or taste something or remember an event it can and has triggered memories of the past with clarity one should not have in my opinion. The ability to go back to my first grade teacher's class and focus deep enough that I reach into my crayon box and pull out a crayon color I have not used in 40 years is not a gift. When I did this and pulled out a silver crayon I realized that this was not necessarily a gift but could put me in a state of mind where I could go deeper and deeper into the past and perhaps not come back. Personally this scared me so much I learned in the moment to control my thoughts. I have this god given ability to step back from a pressure situation and look at it with perceptive that I had not had before estrogen.

Hence my prior experience to understand that writing a suicide note was the precursor to perhaps an attempted suicide is an ability that few process. I was in the crisis of my life and to ascertain the gravity of the situation and realize that despite my seemingly rational thought to write a suicide note it was not rational at all since a few women close to me really care about me and would miss me if I was not here on this earth. I am speechless to this day of how I was able to , in the moment, diagnose and resolve what could have been a fatal decision on my part and could have ended my life. This is the best example of why your support group is so important while on estrogen. Surrounding yourself with positive and people that are interested in moving forward is the biggest piece of advice I could give any one about to embark on estrogen. Conversely surrounding yourself with negative people could have the opposite effect.

Now that I have danced around what I want to talk about let me tell you about one event that I had no recollection of before estrogen. I had a dog, rusty, and I loved her very much. She was our family dog and … how do I tell you this??? when I was a teenager I must have known I was different because of this an event involving my dog. Last week I remembered going behind my dog's house where no one could see me and crying, crying many times. I had remembered this earlier on estrogen but last week I recalled exactly what I was saying to my dog when I was a young teen. It was “ they don't understand me.” I was referring to my family and everyone else. I just did not remember saying this but due to the estrogen I can almost feel my dogs fur etc. I know it was in the past but what is important is that the memories are so much more vivid and real than before estrogen.

It has become apparent to me because of this event and others that I knew for many years who I was before I left home for the marines. I knew something was different about me but as a child I did not know what. I also remember other events which I will talk about in later blogs that show that my family has to have concerns. But in the 1970's being raised in a conservative part of the country coupled with living in a catholic family I am sure this was very challenging for my mother. I say my mother since my father worked in sales and was not home as much as my mother.

However I have a letter from my father dated in 1984 and he stated in the letter that ...” I tried to make you into a man..... your mother cuddled you.” but many thought since I joined the marines everything was ok. Not exactly!!! I was moving away because I knew in my heart that I could not become who I was inside where I lived.

But every time the door cracked open the opportunity to show the world who I was I pushed the door as hard as I could . For example while at local lingerie store back home around 2000 I was purchasing some lingerie and was trying to figure out if it would fit me. I asked the lady “ do you think this would fit my wife?” She seemed puzzled and said, “ I really don't know.” with me at times I have spoken my mind and things just come out. At this particular time I said, “ okay the lingerie is for me , do you think it will fit me?” The woman's mouth dropped to what I thought was the floor. She was speechless so I said “ I will take the lingerie. “ I proceed to pick up a few more item in the store and went home.

The process of becoming a woman is apparent to me now which started in my teens and I would push a little more each time. To me it was like sales every no lead to a yes. Over the last two years I have plenty of yes's and very few no's but it has taken 40 plus years. I want to help others so it is just a bit easier for the next generation.

Thank you again for allowing me share

rachel

ps the worst today is that every little thing at times because of the depression of 40 years and estrogen brings me to tears but I seem to always find a way to move past and grow. It is so scary in the moment but I am only an email or phone call away from friends. I have put my trust in my friends because I know in my heart that in a crisis making a rational decision without listening to other perceptive could have dangerous results .. This journey is not easy but it is the best of times and worst of times.

Ziglar

“ if you think you can or can't you are probably right.”

the biggest key tp success is the ability to laugh at yourself. I also think the ability to allow and trust others to help you is important and so many have been willing to help me too. I thought I was alone but this is not true.

At times the hardest thing in writing this blog is not giving credit to the men and women who have helped me that you may never see. Honesty many of them are in the va health care system and at xerox. These men and women range from admin assistant, medical staff, fellow employees and others are in leadership positions. Everyone of them helped me understand their perspective which helps me understand my perceptive and grow. This was not possible when I was in isolation and before estrogen.

my grandmother, my toughess and the rachel's world

I have focused on the challenges on estrogen but not  I have not  shared my story prior to estrogen. I have always lead with my heart. On my wall in my living room is the phrase, “ follow your heart.”  I have followed that statement all of my life. I don’t regret doing it but I have been hurt many times because of it.  I am soft, sensitive and get hurt easily and this will never change.   

In 1977 I was a senior in High school without the resources to go out on my own and live the life I have dreamt of so many times in my dreams. Then I friend in the high school band asked me , simply, “ Donnie wanna join the marines?” why not the marines would pay for my education at Penn State University but the thought process was with my heart and took all of 2 seconds to complete. 

After college I in 1988 I headed to Texas to live with my girlfriend at the time.  She knew nothing about “ rachel.”  I arrived in Texas with no car and no job. Again the thought process was with my heart and I wanted to live my life on my terms.  So the first week there I applied for a job selling aluminum siding. Yes I was about to embark on my sales career as a “ Tin woman.” Opps is that tin man lol.  The problem was I had no car to go to my appointments so I walked into a car dealership and applied for a 1988 escort. Again I had no money so why and how would I afford a down payment?

The sales woman at the dealership pushed the sale forward and within days she called me to say you have been approved. The dealership did some creative financing but I still needed the money for the insurance to pick up the car. So , as so many times in my life, a woman helped me in the crunch and she had a friend that was an insurance agent. The insurance agent paid the first premium and then I paid her back on my first pay check. 

To compound the challenge I never sold anything in my life.  But within two weeks  I had a new car and job in a state I never lived.  This is the world according to rachel. My mother was right I can do anything I put my mind to.  I never fail and I never quit.  This is not a marine thing. This is a rachel thing and I have been like this all of my life.

My mother said so many times, “Donald you have thick head.” I am tough as mother and my grandmother . ‘to quote my grandmother when I asked her if she wanted a walker because she was having hard time  walking in her 80’s “ “Donnie I shove that walker up your ass.”  I have my grandmother’s toughness  and miss her dearly.  Looking back I am so much like her and just as tough as her. 

My conversations I have in public started with my grandmother when I was teenager. We would talk about racism, gays and lesbians, the catholic church , etc. everything and anything was on the table to talk about. We would intense decisions that lasted hours and hours some days and neither one toed the party line.  The both of us spoke our mind in a respectful way . so  when I speak in public it is so natural because I have been doing this for nearly 40 plus years. 

Fyi no I did not tell my grandmother about rachel.  I am not sure what she would say . I know she loved me unconditionally and was the rock with me in my hour of darkness when I was diagnosed with arthritis in 1997.  it took me 2 yrs to push that disease to a point of living with it. I risked so much by taking enbrel when it was in the experimental stages. I always seem to find a way to not only survive but thrive.  Why? Probably my attitude and my drive to succeed to prove it can be done.

The prending ended with estrogen and also my toys

I have decided tonight to really let others know what it is really like on estrogen treatment.  I can tell you from the beginning I have known that I was in the fight of my life. But before taking estrogen I was under the illusion that the major changes would be physical not mental.  I had been told and read many times prior to treatment that emotional changes were part of the process but no one ever elaborated any further , on line or by any medical profession anywhere. 

The illusion of the challenge on estrogen came full force in the 2^nd week of my treatment. I was so scared and I had no one to talk to because no one to talks  about it.  I had worked in U.S government contracting for two plus years before coming to Portland Oregon.  I had developed skills in finding information and resources few if any could find in this sector of work.  One time my boss had a contract to repair a 1955 GE switching locomotive which has not work in over 20 years.  In less than three months I have found someone to repair the locomotive who was not even on the radar.  But to find resources and information while in fight or flight on hormones was vastly different but the skills I learned in accessing information was essential to my understanding of estrogen and the disease, gender identity disorder.

I have only told a few people prior to now the pain and suffering that I have endured over the last two years.  I was and am in tears a lot because the estrogen treatment compels you to confront your deepest demons , ones that you hide deep in your mind, and simultaneously brings out your greatest assets.  This is my experience on hormones. This process happens exponentially from the time you take your first estrogen pill. Who would be prepared for such a challenge especially without any forewarning?

What happened by month two  I was on my bed crying, crying uncontrollably because the estrogen made me confront I was born as a male with a penis.  I cried  and cried and there was no one to talk to about this.  In the transgendered community the defacto protocol is no one ever talks about the horrors on hormones.  I refused to toe the party line and talk about it a lot especially with women and when I speak. I will never go stealth. I have promised so many and myself that I will not go into hiding and go stealth now or after the surgery. 

I am dancing because honestly what I am going to tell you tonight is really how it is on estrogen.  The pain is so deep and ….. I am crying while I write this….. honestly if someone stabbed me with a knife or shot me it would hurt me less. Because the wound from either one would either kill me or the wound will heal. This wound will never heal. 

This became apparent to me over the last year plus.   Before estrogen I honestly believed I just wanted to have my breast get a bit larger or more lol.  I did not realize I was getting a new brain and way of thinking.  By month two I honestly knew I had to have surgery and this demon would not go away.  When you are on your bed crying  and crying  and cannot control the tears and have never experienced this before in your life you have to have a large support network to learn on.  Because the people with you at the beginning of the process may realize you have changed.  My experience is it was not my gender changing that was the biggest change but who I am and my personality that lied just beneath the surface  changed who my friends are today. None of my friends nor family are close to me now.  This is something I realized before the “Journey” but acknowledging it before and living the reality of it are two different things.  It was kinda like College and the real world and there is no comparison.

How big was the change and how dramatic was it? This is an adult topic but it demonstrates the drastic change and how fast estrogen works on the brain. Within the transgendered community the anus is referred to as the “ pussy.” I had pretended in private to some degree the same thing until I took estrogen. Once I took estrogen the adult toys I had used to pleasure myself , in my words, went away for good and never to return. Bluntly I put my vibrator and other adult toys I have used in the past away and they  are no longer used. The pretending for me was done with estrogen and this drug is/ has dragged me full force into the real world in shock wave events over the last two years. I am at 23 months now.

I have realized that to survive this I had to understand that the world as I know does not exist any longer. But the larger acknowledgement is that my world is constantly changing  up to several times a day.  I call them shifts and most are not very gently nor peaceful. I had / have the mindset to survive I would have to be honest with myself or it literally could have meant my death by my own devices or who knows what.

 My attitude is that I will fight this disease head on and admit that suicide and who I am is changing and this gives me a better change of surviving an experience/events that takes so many lives we hear about on line, news, etc. I will not be a statistic nor back down my dosage. It is my intend to fight this disease with every fiber of my body because this is what it will take.  This experience is not for the weak and I cannot make this journey alone.  I have so many good women around me and prior I was in isolation in an apartment on the east coast of usa. 

The lies about estrogen treatment stop with me.  I will not toe the party line.  I am no joan of arc but I will not quit because if I quit I will die.  When I speak and blog about my experience it has healed me mentally decades in 2 short years. Also when I see people from 10 countries looking at my blog this also has had a profound effect on my life. 

Thank you for allowing me to share,

Rachel

Rachel.reid.1959@gmail.com

Article about the Name Rachel ; this is so me

Hi,

I am on journey that I realized long ago changes from day to day. So I wondered why and what the name rachel means? So I did some research and came upon this article.

This is me and if you ever meet me in person you will understand why. the key is all of my journey through life is my Heart.  I do not have the ability to hate nor hurt people.  It is not in my heart. Years ago I was stopped in a Walmart by a perfect stranger and she said, "why are you always smiling?" I said , " because that is just me."

here is the article:

Rachel
Gender: Female
Usage: English, Hebrew, French, German, Biblical, Biblical Latin, Biblical Greek, Biblical Hebrew

Meaning: Rachel=the bestest friend ever that never stops smiling.

She is happy 95.9% of the time.

No one can hate Rachel because she's silly and lovable.

I have a Rachel as my best friend...she is caring, kind, funny, a genius, and the best friend I could ever ask for...she's like a sister to me :], that's what all Rachel's should aspire to be ^^!!

Rachel is awsome!!!

a loyal person

Rachel is my BFFL!!!!! shes awesome!

rachel means innocent lamb

its my name!!!! and i luv it

i no wat my name means it mean a little lamb and please dont write bad things it hurts my feelings

rachel is awesome!!! she is my best friend

God of Kindness

rachel means sexy best




thank you for allowing me share my life again,

rachel

rachel.reid.1959@gmail.com for any questions you have

Rachel thoughts and near attempt of suicide

Now here is the real story about me and the , if you want to call them, challenges. It was truly a time of do I really want my life? If I did I would have to risk my life and knew this early on in the process at week two. But I did not realize that I literally would think of suicide and actually think of writing a suicide note to someone close to me. This did not occur to me But I am so different than many on hormones and put it in the realm of possibility that I might think of suicide since my perception of the world is different compared to the first 50 years. This is the scary part you think you know who you are but you really don’t know who you are and this changes from day to day on estrogen.

How serious was this situation? At my urging I asked my therapist to work with me on a suicide prevention plan. We sat down and wrote out what and who I would contact if the situation reached a level I thought of committing suicide. When you read the end of the suicide prevention plan and it says, “ … the things I will do so I don’t kill myself” it really drives home the idea this is serious. This would be so important and maybe one of many reasons I did not follow through on a plan of suicide plus a couple other factors.

Let me set the stage of how stressful my life was at this time:

At my work I had been smart enough to figure out that unless someone stepped forward to lead we all would be out of a job. I looked at the sales figures everyday and quickly I could access that 1-2 sales per person was not enough to keep us in business. So I went to the overall manager of the project at Xerox and said this: I have a plan … give me 60 days and the authority to do it and … if I fail you can fire me.” This is an exact quote.

I did not mix my words. After two months I had several , let’s call them interviews, and I was granted the permission to put my plan in place to increase sales and the conversion rate . The conversion rate is the percentage of calls to sales. I also said I want the responsibility of the conversion rate for the call center. I held nothing back. If you know me you would understand that I am truly an all or nothing woman.

With the plan in place I was now interviewing and preparing for my first class. I simply believed in myself because of my work with the Va and the leadership of Xerox. However to get to this point was not an easy task. I resigned at Xerox and was reinstated the same day. I was granted most of the authority I had asked for , or demanded depending on your perception of the situation, and an increase in pay. This included all the responsibility of the sales for the dept .


This almost did not happen because I had an emotional melt down and resigned a second time. However the leadership in Xerox saw the promise and passion I brought to the work place. They also knew as much of many of you know about me too. I am very transparent in my life. This has helped me grow and challenged me at the same time. People at Xerox helped me work through this difficult time in my life and put the responsibility in my hands I had asked for in the contract.

Now back to training my first class. I was given total latitude in the training material and I realized I have to produce or they actually might take me up on the offer to fire me . Honestly I don’t think Xerox would have done that but I delivered in the first class. The results in the second day of the new trainees on the floor produced results similar to agents who had been on the phone for 2 months. I had delivered on my promise.

While this is going on at work and I am leading in the work place my home life was falling apart. I was in a transitional housing situation. In plain English I was homeless and working out of small studio and had quite honestly I had ruffled some people’s feathers. ( since some are not from the usa, I upset people because I asked challenging questions.) Thus there was the chance I would be homeless again. I refused to back down and advocate for myself in a positive way which was not well received by some people. This was my life and if I wanted it I would have to fight for it.

Honestly I was so scared inside and cried because I had no outlet no where to turn but I had developed some close friends in the VA, and at Xerox that this would be the edge I need to overcome the stress that nearly caused me to move forward with suicide. The stress from my housing situation , work, and hormones pushed me to a space I have never been and never want to go again.

I would come home crying, crying and crying almost every day because of the hormones. I could no longer pretend that what was between my legs did not match my brain. I was totally left handed and struggling to figure out which hand to use. I also cried because I could not figure out why some people had gone out of their way to hurt me. I could not understand this… I cried and cried about this

A female friend told me that you need to develop thicker skin. I told her I refuse to change who I am because I did that for far too long. I am sensitive , loving and caring and cry a lot when hurt and that is me. A very special friend told me , “Rachel they , the people hurting me, are just people.” I know this but I never want to know why people hurt others just because they have the power to do it.

Now to the heart of why I wrote this particular blog. One night I am coming home and I am crying and crying and thought to myself no one cares about me and who would miss me?. The relationship with my family has been more than strained and my daughter is back east and I have not seen her in long time. This was no one’s fault but it was my reality.

Then going home in tears and then I get to my apartment I am uncontrollably crying . I am lying on my bed and think , again, no one will miss me. Then I thought I could just take some pills and end my life and no one would care nor miss me . Immediately I thought of who I would write the suicide note to …. If I wrote it to her… then I have to write to the other one too ….. My relationship these particular women ….. Stopped the thoughts of suicide :

they would miss me and had made me feel so safe . Then I thought of all of people I had spoken to in my “ conversations.” The impact of my public speaking was the edge for me . I risked so much and the reward was the life I had dreamt of for so long.

I have learned that I am drawn to women that have good hearts. Again I don’t have Tran gendered, gay , white , black , male or female friends. I just have friends who have good hearts.

So I had women in the Va, Portland, Xerox pulling for me and I am one of lucky ones that has not attempted suicide. I have and always will say that I am only as strong as the people around me. The women in my life are my rock and I will be forever eternally grateful for each one of you who has touched my heart.

Thank you

Rachel

Fyi if you like to email me and ask me questions

Rachel.reid.1959@gmail.com

The first year on hormones and the real story

I understand so much about myself that I did not 23 months ago. ( I have been on estrogen treatment for 23 months as of July 4, 2013.) I understand that in my mind because of the actions of the VA made me feel very, very safe. This enabled me to grow and learn at a very rapid pace. The safer I feel the more I am willing to share. (info edited for my friends privacy)

 This is only because I have not been able to explain everything to  ?  my therapist, because of the pace I have been compelled to process information and problem solve. The pace that I must problem solve has increased exponentially since week two of hormone therapy treatment.

I honestly knew from week two of the treatment I was in for a journey no one talks about. It was such a shock to my body that I imagined myself in a roller coaster and I was holding on for my life. I was aware of this and acknowledged this to myself in week two. I wanted to be who I was born to be , a woman..

In the second month of therapy I wrote a few profound statements. I put them aside and looked at them the next day. I wondered who is this woman? I knew at this point god had touched me. I never had written anything like this in my life. When I wrote things like … it is my obligation to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves, I am willing to risk homelessness to achieve my goals, etc. I had committed to goals that might put me in danger and was willing to die for my beliefs. I had no idea how this woman inside me had stayed quiet for so long.

(edited out for privacy)

The only time I thought of turning back was in May 2012. My mother had died in January, my aunt died in April and by may of 2012 I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I had pulled my hamstring shortly after my aunt died. In may I had three panic attacks which resulted in three trips to the Portland VA via ambulance.

I was determined to see it through and started a blog initially because if I did not survive the hormone therapy there would be at least one true story for people to read. I was so scared in May of 2012 but I have never told anyone just how bad that phrase of my life was at the time. I would go to sleep with my cell phone next to my head and fall asleep with 911 already keyed in so all I had to do is press send to call an ambulance. I was so scared I would die from the panic attacks.

One panic attack was so bad that I woke up from a dead sleep and was blacking in and out and tried to walk out my apartment naked at first. I went back into my apartment put some clothes on quickly. I was walking out of my apartment blacking in and out of consciousness while dialing 911 (emergency) for an ambulance. I heard….. For English.. Press . I was in true fight of flight mode and quickly processed that this meant press 1 for English. By the time I was in the elevator I was not blacking out too much and started to calm down some. I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance and VA staff reassured me every step of the process that it will be ok Rachel. This help me calm down quickly and the panic attack went as fast as it had come.

I realized now that I have to say this is not real and the panic attack will not kill me. I had a friend who was a nurse tell me this. I am so blessed to have so many women around me that care about me. This seemingly small statement helped me understand and realize that although I had the symptoms of a panic attack, It was not real. This was a major hurdle. My friend was right that my heart is strong and I would make through this part of my life.

After this my right handed dominance which started to switch to left hand dominance in week two was moving very quickly to affect more than a few parts of my life. It started in June -July to put my make up on, shave, etc with my left hand. It was no more a choice any more than my gender. I know in grade school I tried to use my left hand in first grade and my mother said no you are right handed. One must understand that in the 60’s and 70’s if you were left handed this might mean you had a mental illness.

By September 2012 I had started my job at Xerox and now I was using my left hand to use the mouse. The anxiety was increased when I don’t use my left hand and I have noticed since about the one year mark on estrogen. I can tell now if I switch back to my right hand I am in fight or flight mode because of the stress. This is a clear indication that the stress I am in and the situation is too much for me. This was in the first year of hormone

She was suppose to say no.... Validation by society ....saved my life

The impact others have had on my hormones experience is , if there is a word to describe it, profound.  I believe my experience has been very unique because of my work with the veteran’s administration hospital (va).  Why do I think this?

It is my strong held belief within the transgendered community we isolate without knowing it.  We , the transgendered community, hold in secrets that have a ripple effect in every aspect of our lives.  I know for myself that this disease, gender identity disorder, has had a severe negative impact on my personal, professional and social life. 

The chance of a life time happened in 2011.  I had asked for clarification of the VA policy which had been instituted in June 2011.  I was persistent and requested information of how the new va policy would be applied in my case at the Portland VA.  Much to my surprise the men and women of the Portland VA were not only willing to answer my questions but meet me in person at my request.

I realized by December of 2011 that I as able to open a door that was unheard of at the time.  I did not do this by myself literally dozens of men and women and many others I will never meet helped me in this Endeavour. What happened next falls under the category you need to be very careful what you wish for because you might actually get it. 

I just wanted an opportunity to speak with someone that implemented policy in the Va who could help me help others veterans. In my heart this was never about the transgendered community, nor rachel but about equal access for medical care for all veterans.  In December of 2011 I achieved what no one else, to the best of my knowledge,  had accomplish and that is a meeting with a person in a leadership position within the VA leadership.

Quite honestly I thought that I could say I did all I could and the VA was the VA that was going through the motions just like everyone hears in the media.  Oppps I was wrong again.  The meeting lasted for about one hour and towards the end of the meeting she said, “ rachel, you’re not what I expected. “  I said , “ you’re not what I expected either. “ She had granted my request to speak to Va staff on my experience while taking hormone replacement therapy.  I knew that the laws and regulations in place had no real substance unless the decision makers who prescribe the estrogen know what the real life experience is really like. 

Immediately following the meeting I walked out of the conference room and I thought what the hell did I just do?  She was suppose to say no not yes.  I honesty was so scared because ….. again she was suppose to say no and we both say we met with each other and … well you know the VA . The opposite happened and I was given an opportunity and with it the risk few, if any, would take in my position. 

I was scheduled to speak at the Regional VA Conference in February 2012.  This was on the less than two weeks after the death of my mother.  I wrote the speech the day after my mother’s death because I knew I would be in shock soon. I was right and that is exactly what happened.   But this speech in front of 50 directors and deputy directors was the focus I needed after the death of my mother. This was important but I did not realize that what was more important at the time is the VA pulled me out of isolation and my life would be forever changed. What am I talking about?

It is my perception now that this single event , along with my continue work with the va,  pulled me out of isolation and validated me.  This was a coming out party that was by invite only to the men and women that care about veterans.  All I offered was a true story of what it is really like to go through hormone treatment.  I did not down play the challenges and obstacles I had to overcome in the first six months on hormones.

I realized that in the moment that I spoke for the entire transgendered community within the va.  I was allowed in an inner circle without restrictions. In fact the prepared speech

I found out that leadership has a price.  I have many friends within the Va but there are never was given.  The speech turned into an open conversation where I spoke from my heart and at no point did my any va official try to redirect the conversation.  There are some people who envy not only my work with va but my success in corp America, Xerox/  This is something that makes me sad and I cry from time to time about because I am simply trying to help veterans. 

I have learned over the last couple years on hormones ….here is my response to another transgendered woman, actually she is intersex, who asked me to start a transgendered group with her.  I ask myself and everyone around me the tough questions.  I asked her ,” who would have the power to determine who is in the group and who is removed from the group.” Her response was, “ we would.” This implicitly states that I would have the power to decide the fate of who are members and who is not a member based on my perceptions. 

When you belong to a group you cannot speak freely like I do with the Va and will in public later this year. I would have to take into consideration the politics and money that would undoubtedly come into play in time with a group. I do not want to be part of an organization where  I would be compelled to filter out the real story.  Thus I cannot see me building an organization at this point. My organization is as big as I want it to be ….. me and a very select people who I would trust with my life , literally. 

I believe so deeply in the va health care system, which to me is the people I have contact with on a regular basis, I have  offered my brain for research after my natural death.  I also have provided unedited diaries , notes to my therapist about the depth of the demons one has to confront on hormones.  Someone has to take the lead for a better understanding of this disease but I just did not see myself as a leader anywhere in society until 2011.

Far too many of us in the transgendered community believe that no one understand us. We are effectively saying no for men and women who never were given a chance to get to know us.  I have and still do this at times.  I have found that given the opportunity more people want to know us, me, than the transgendered community thinks.  By saying no for everyone that is not a member of the transgendered community we effective isolate and do not realize it. 

I dared to risk so much by speaking opening about my experiences in the VA and Xerox and was shocked that rejection is an exception not the rule.  Give society a chance to say no before you say no for them. I learned this early in my process thanx to the VA community from top to bottom.  This is also true of so many people in Xerox. Two women in the Va heard my story and shared with me that they know veterans that were female to male transgendered.  If I had not openly shared my story I would have never learned this part of their story. I will believe that I get 10x back by sharing my story with others.  

The biggest gift god gave me was the courage to speak in public. I heal more and more mentally every time I share my story.  I think my story is not about being a woman but being part of the human race after decades of isolation.  By opening listening to other people’s story and having the ability to have honest conversation where I say often , “ I think you are right.” It is not about being right or wrong but how to help each other grow.

I want to thank all the men and women of the Va , Xerox, Portland women crisis, catholic social services, Dress for success and all the men and women of Portland and others that helped me in my healing. 

I am doing my part to help myself heal and in the process others heal too.

Fyi I want to thank everyone that is looking at my blog. It has reached many countries since the publication of my article in the va . The blog is not viewed from usa, Canada, russia, Ukraine, oman ,uk, and many countries.

In my darkest hours know that each one of you help me a way you cannot imagine.

In my next blog I will tell you the real story in depth that few , if any, would tell the general public.  It is the right thing to do and in my mind it is that simple.

Thank you

Rachel

Fyi I will do a utube video by the 2 yr anniversary of hormone treat , aug 4, 2013

http://www.southernoregon.va.gov/docs/Sourcespringrr2013r.pdf