Marine veteran from Portland Oregon. "Those who have the ability to advocate and lead have the moral and ethical responsibility to do so. That time is now or never.
(by Rachel Reid)
A few of my favorite quotes:
"Rarely do well-behaved women make History"
(unknown author)
You have enemies? good that means you stood for something in your life. Sir Winston Churhill
In my first blog I promised my blog would be very, very
honest however until now I have sugar coated the real effects of hormone
replace therapy (HRT). It will be
exactly 16 months on December 4, 2012 since I initialized HRT. I can honesty state, without exception, that
this experience has tested my heart and soul like nothing else in my life. It has compelled me to confront every demon I
have ever had in my life ranging from five years old to fifty years old. Many within my close network know that I have
said many times I hold on by a thread. I
mean this statement with every fiber of my body.
The fact is that every day is harder than the last. I am at the point that I would never want to
go back but going forward challenges, not a word strong enough, my heart and
soul to the very limits and nearly breaks me.
I hold on by a thread and sometimes I use self talk therapy to work
through the depression and yet other times I reach out to one of three women
for help. I also seem to know my
threshold of when I need to reach out to one of them. I have been blessed by each one of them. The following day after working through this
seemingly impossible situation and issue I feel stronger than the day
before. Yet the next time I get
depressed it presses me even harder than the previous situation and still I
find a way to cope and move forward. As
the blonde has told me I always find a way to get things done but this has
taken every fiber of my body to hold on for my life. I also know in my heart I have become one of
the strongest women I have ever known via HRT.
I did not know a woman lived just underneath the surface of someone that
pretended to be a man for nearly 50 years.
Now let me take you deep into just how bad it becomes and
how hard I am tested day in and day out on hormones. Yesterday I was waiting for my bus to work
and I had to walk away from the bus stop where others were sitting because I
knew I had to cry and talk myself through this issue. I knew I had to work through this to make it
through work. Does this therapy work for
me? You can be the judge I had more sales than any other day since I started
over two months ago. I think I am a lot
smarter than I want to acknowledge opening.
The issue that is tearing at my heart and soul that I cannot hide any
longer since I started Hormones is I not only need sexual reassignment surgery
but it has become essential to my very survival as a human being. The truth is that there is not a day that
goes by now that I don’t cry at least once that I am not quite a woman; almost
a woman. No one could ever completely
understand what it does to me unless you were in my shoes. It like having cancer one can be
compassionate but until you walk in my shoes, which you can’t, only then could
you feel the deep unrelenting pain I feel every minute of my life today.
Now back to the bus stop.
I said to myself I cannot live like this much longer I have to find a
way to surgically have my penis removed.
You would have to understand that every time I cross my legs I can feel
something between my legs that is not suppose to be there nor should it even
been there. I honestly think why did God
do this to me? The pain takes a grip of
my heart and soul and the pain cuts me so deep the pain is imaginable. I
thought at that moment at the bus stop I cannot cut the damn thing off but I
cannot have surgery. After crying,
crying and crying some more and barely holding I made the decision I told
others I would not do…. I am going to go to Thailand
to get my surgery.
Yesterday I tried to visualize what was between my legs and
for the first time I honestly thought it was a vagina knowing consciously it is
a penis. What am I to do? I cry and cry and there seems to be no
solution. I am holding on by a thread
about this issue, more than an issue to me, for the last year which reared its’ ugly head
in month two of HRT. Otherwise it was
lying just below the surface waiting and waiting and came to the surface with a
force unspoken of after only one month of HRT.
I don’t know how much longer I can hold on living without
having my penis removed. If I did not
take action and set up an account and put a plan in place and set a target date
of surgery yesterday I could have been a casualty like so many others in the
transgendered community. What am I
speaking of ? Suicide or cutting the
penis off would have been a solution yesterday.
But, neither suicide nor cutting the penis is a long term solution and
would represent quitting and it is not in my DNA. I did not come this far to turn back and quit
after fifty years. I will succeed where
others have failed before “ persistence overcomes resistance. My real ace in my pocket is my natural born
sales ability and drive. Persistence
overcomes resistance is what I learned in my sales career.
Thus, I have put up a board titled Rachel goes to Thailand. I have dollar amounts in the thousand dollars
and once I hit 12 thousand I will have what I need and have needed for all of
my life. The way insurance is set up and
the regulation that are put in place it would take me years to jump through the
loops. I don’t have years and years but
what I do have is the ability and drive to sale more products to reach my goal
sexual reassignment. My goal date, to
some may seem impossible, is January 2014.
Zig ziglar and Henry Ford said, “if you think you can or
can’t you are probably right.” I believe
I can and I am preparing and planning and will reach this goal. It represents
the very essence of my life. I will not
fail.
Just may be now I can admit publicly that the Marines had an impact that goes far beyond anything I ever could imagine until now. To a Marine to quit is criminal and unthinkable and perhaps I am more a marine that I every thought and when others say it cannot be done we find a way to accomplish the mission. As the great Chester Puller said, " you can hurt me but you cannot stop me." I have been hurt, beaten down emotionally by society and do not have the anger others have and focused on the goal of becoming the best woman I can be and lead in my pursuit of this goal.
Some have told me I need to have thicker skin because I am so emotional and cry when I get hurt but to do that would change who I am and I changed for society due to my gender. I will not change who I am at any level for anyone. I know I get hurt easy and I am very sensitive woman and I will stay that way and men and women will get to know the real me...... the heart of rachel
Thank you again,
Rach
Ps I will spell check this later on the way to work but
needed to post this important post
I thought tonight I would share with you who
my mother and father were and how they impacted my life in profound ways that
can be felt to this day. One was from
the small town of Hollidaysburg, PA and the
other was from Queens, NYC. So, anyone could see that their view of the
world would be vastly different. That is
putting it mildly.
My father was from Queens, NYC who grew up there in the great depression
in a single household with his sister and mother. My grandmother, Nana, was direct from Ireland. My
father was schooled in a catholic school in Brooklyn
which was very strict and he was a golden gloves boxer. One time my father told me a story of how a
boy at a dance tried to adjust his tie.
My father’s response was tell the boy, “ let’s step outside…” (not the way I
would have handled it but…)
The character of my
father? A measure of a person’s
character can be judged by their actions in a crisis. (zig Ziglar)
On one hot summer day in our neighborhood a
fire broke out in a neighbor’s house. The
fire broke out and all the neighbors watched from their porch steps except one,
my father. My mother told my father , “
don’t go Donald.” My father ran down to the
neighbor’s house and made sure she made it out ok. The others just watched and did nothing and
never left their porch steps.(This is probably one of the biggest reasons I
think to do nothing when you can is down right criminal.)
Another time, my father was
talking to the land developer and the house builder. I can remember exactly what the land developer
said like it was yesterday, “ Don, I bet you hope a bunch of N***** mover in
here.” My dad responded, “ sure do.”
My mother, on the other hand,
was from small town Hollidaysburg where I was raised which was could not have
been more different than NYC. The town
of Hollidaysburg
is a small town where you are known as so and so daughter or son. It is very safe to walk the streets at night
because no one is out, lol. It is
typical small town America
where I was raised as a child. I played
in the band like my mother did in school and where kids were just kids. Crime was something we saw only on tv during
the 1970’s.
My mother was also catholic
but had her closely guarded opinions that differed with the Catholic Church. For example, when it came to abortion my
mother believed in the woman’s right to choose.
She was a strong conservative woman who believed in her values and stuck
by them, never waiving. This sounds
like someone I know, me. My mother
did not make waives and went along to get along.
However, Rachel does not go
along to get along nor has she ever.
Case and point, at my father’s funeral viewing a former manager of my
father’s came to visit and pay his respects.
My father had cursed this man’s name many times over the years and could
not stand the man. So, when he came to
pay his respects I was a little too forward for my mother’s comfort when I said
to him, “ what are you doing here.” My
mother promptly said, “ Donald.” I said,
“ dad did not even like this guy.” After
that, out of respect for my mother, I bowed out and moved away from the
entrance to my father’s viewing. I don’t
exactly blend in nor toe the party line even back then in 1988.
For years and years I said
that I was the best of my mother and the best of my father blended together. So I have the fire of golden gloves boxer
that drives the engine and the heart of my mother. My mother gave me the best gift anyone could
give a child and it was her heart. I
have passed my heart to my daughter.
God blessed with me two
parents that gave me so much to build on that my success was nearly certain in
my eyes. It was merely for the asking
and accepting the challenge to become the best woman I can be. I know in my heart that my mother would be
proud of me not publicly nor even privately but in her heart.
What did my mother teach me
beyond her death? She left me a small
inheritance which I used to buy the very best make up and clothes that any
woman would envy. Thus, while mourning
the death of my mother I covered myself in Clarin and Dior make up. Only to learn that the make up does not make
the woman; the woman makes the make up.
-->
I believe in large part to my work with the VA I had the
courage to speak up for others like I have done within the VA. But to
speak up at work with less than 60 days on the job was that smart? and who and
where did this woman come from? Where did Rachel get such incredible
courage and strength?
I am beginning to realize that I have been given gifts and talents others do not have and when the timing is right , in my heart, I need to step forward and lead. Many times I cry not because anything but how happy I am and how far I have come in the last year. I have been challenged like others but have had opportunities no one could dream of until. We MARINES never quit; it took nearly 50 years but I made it.
The results of the meeting with the mangers was the virtual the same was with the VA because I lead with my
heart and put my outlined issues to the side.
I learned much from my speeches at the VA. I have been blessed so much this past
year. I will blog on Friday about this
event.
How can I write
about something that I have had all of my life?
In my younger years teachers, boys and girls seemed to trust me without
giving it a thought. When I was in the Marines one day my Gunny
said, “If I cannot trust you who can I trust?”
At the time I gave it no further thought. I also knew that when I was in sales that
customers would trust me and take my word at what I was saying. I wondered why do perfect strangers trust
me? I had no idea why and not even a
clue.
A few times in
high school I remember kids told me I wear my heart of my sleeve. (Remember so
much with estrogen) I certainly had no
idea what that meant at that time. Then
in college the blonde told me that “you have a heart of gold.” I brushed that off as her just being kind to
me. There was something intangible about
me others saw in me that I could not even begin to understand. What was it?
I just thought it was me being me.
That is exactly what I said when others told me I had a heart of gold.
Again and again I would brush off comments like that for decades.
When I spoke last
February in public on the heels of my Mother’s death I had a carefully prepared
speech which never got told. Instead I
spoke from my heart and it flowed easily like I had been practicing the speech
for months. However, it literally was
all impromptu and never rehearsed. I
just told my story or I thought I was just telling my story of my life and
experiences on hormones.
In October I spoke again in front of about one
hundred men and women and again the same thing happened. I had a planned speech but instead of using
my notes I just spoke from my heart. By
then I began to realize that I was not giving speeches but speaking from my
heart and soul about my more than my life experiences. I just could not piece it all together quite
yet.
It would take two
events for me to see the light, literally.
People could see something special about me I could not see because I
have had it all along. First, a new
friend of mine sent me a very touching email which touched my heart and brought
tears to my eyes. I could not stop
crying, “… help people Rachel, we all have been gifts….” Still I was in denial that there was anything
special about me or at least that what I told myself.
Thus, again my
daughter would enlighten me in an old Christmas card. It had been hanging on my apartment wall for
months. When I opened it I realized that
I had given my daughter as much as any parent could give a child….. my heart. The card said, “ I love you from the bottom
of my heart…” I had written those almost
exact words in two separate emails to close friends in helping me in my journey
on hormones. My exact words were from
the bottom of my heart thank you. I
meant it just as much as my ten year old daughter did to me in that Christmas
card.
So you see when I
speak it is not a speech but I open up my heart and soul to the men and women in
the audience. I thought I was telling a
story about my experiences on hormones but in reality I was offering my gift of
opening up my heart. My power is in my
passion and ability to share and open my heart and soul to others. This in turn helps me heal and helps other
heal. The more I speak the more I
heal. I am not a transgendered woman speaking but woman opening up my heart to everyone so I can heal.
What started out on Aug 4, 2011 as a journey to womanhood has turned out to be a healing of my heart and soul of myself and all I come in contact with. I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for helping me in my journey.
I have come to the conclusion after 14 months of hormone
replacement therapy that my gender is the blessing of my life.How could that be Rachel?Many would say being a transsexual woman is a
curse?Until recently I would have
agreed with anyone who would have made that statement.I have never spoken of my true pain until now
and it has nothing to do with my gender.I can say now without any reservation that withoutmy gender identity challenge that my
rheumatoid arthritis would have crippled me for the rest of my natural life.
In 1997 I was diagnosed with RA(rheumatoid arthritis) which
attacked my fingers, wrist, elbows, knees and ankles to the point I could not
walk without the assistance with crutches. To quote my doctor, “ … out of ten
patients… nine were better than you.”Again, kinda like HRT(hormone replacement therapy), I took a leap of
faith and went on an experimental study drug which today is called Enbrel.It is an animal protein that is used to
reverse the affects of RA.It took nine
long months before my body even began to respond to the new experimental
drug.But two years later I was walking
and moving about much better than I was in 1997.The problem was I still tipped the scales at
300-347lbs.
Fast forward to 2011, I started HRT (hormone replacement
therapy) and I weighed in at 292lbs on August 4, 2011.Within six shorts months I had lost 100 lbs.
Today I weigh 170lbs and my goal is 150-160 lbs.My curse of my gender was the blessing of RA.
From what I researched estradiol is known to increase your
bone strength and Spriolatane is known to reduce the swelling of arthritis. (fyi:
both sprio and estradiol have dangerous side effects and should not be taken
for RA; please consult a physician before taking either drug) .I doubt many in this country have GID(gender
identity disorder) and RA as dual health
conditions.
Thus, my unique
experience may be exactly that unique because of taking estradiol with enbrel.
( enbrel has been tested on patients with dementia in elderly patients). Also
estradiol is given to stroke victims to recover their memory.The two medications are very potent and are
monitored very carefully for anything from cancer, heart attacks, stroke, TB
and many other side affects.So, one
could say I am living breathing experiment that has had great success but the
long term prognosis is truly unknown.
I keep a smile on my face but privately the pain of my RA
can consume me at times.How bad is the
pain?When I am stretching in the
mornings before my six mile run I stop stretching because I cannot take the
pain any longer and I begin to cry.My
ace, as my grandma would say, is my gender and taking estradiol (estrogen) has
enabled my mind to over ride the pain of arthritis.Perhaps among all the Gender issue the real
story is estrogen has over powered the arthritis with it’s shear will to
control my mind thus the actions of my body. How is the estrogen able to override the pain
of RA ? I have no idea but to say that when I am crying and the pain is so bad
that within a few minutes I am back to working out.I have never failed to complete a run of six
miles after crying doing the strength because of the incredible pain of RA.
This all seems great but with all the abilities of the
enbrel to fight my RA and the estrogen to fight off the pain in my mind I can
say with out one reservation that it is not enough.The third component is something I would never
have thought of as a weapon to fight RA, Caffeine.That is right in my Coke Zero is enough
caffeine to counter the effects of arthritis with enbrel, estrogen and
sprio.There is a major problem with
mixing spriolatane and caffeine and it is increased anxiety.
So with it is a constant balancing act between my estrogen,
sprio and caffeine and how to balance all three drugs.Finally after months of research and trial
and error I have come up with the best solution. My rationale is based on the
research that concluded that caffeine will reduce my estrogen levels and that
is very bad for me.High doses of
caffeine are considered 12 oz of coke per day.However caffeine is known to help
Arthritis.Note:
tried zero caffeine and the arthritis pain was so severe that I felt nearly no
effects of the estradiol .
Thus, I am now drinking one glass of coke per day with
plenty of water doing the day and this seems to keep my arthritis in check and
still allows for the max effects of estrogen with little increased
anxiety.But the one liter of coke cola
I use to drink pushes my anxiety levels too high and I have learned moderation
of caffeine consumption.This was a
difficult lesson.
I flying out tomorrow for a speech but I have come to realize that
what is needed is not a speech but a conversation. My goal is to open
the door for further conversations not speeches. In my mind I am the
most privilegedwoman to be part of a large project to develop dialogue between clinical providers and the transgendered community.
There
are literally hundreds who have helped me in my journey. I feel
morally and ethically obligated to share my journey as a woman because
so many have helped me. Now, it is my turn to do my part and have open
honest conversations with the people that can help the transgendered
community the most ; the clinincal providers.
As zig
ziglar says, " if you think you can or can't you are probably right."
I honestly think I can make a profound difference with the help of so
many men and women in the VA. Who knew a woman like me was this strong?
I have to get back on top of things and start blogging again. I have a
new job which plays to my strengths and has given me the biggest challenge of
my life in the employment area. I have taken my first job as a woman in
an area few, if any other transsexual women, would even dare to take on in a
life time. But, if you know me as others do I live by the principal it is
all or nothing.
After three weeks I am producing sales like I had in the past and the future
looks extremely bright. The added benefit is that my new company’s health
insurance has coverage for sexual reassignment. Thus, I want to stay with this
company for that reason and the people I work with are so supportive and have
welcomed with open arms. In fact the women at work, as in my
other areas of life, have reached out to me with great warmth and
understanding.I have had conversations
with my fellow employees, men and women, about my estrogen treatment and one
woman has shared her intimate thoughts of her sexuality and experiences in her
life.By sharing I have learned more
about her and myself and have found this so true of many conversations I have
had in the past year.
One woman suggested that I needed to develop “thicker skin” because I am
hurt so easily.I thought about that and
agreed at the time but now believe that if I did that it would fundamentally
change who I am.I am a very sensitive,
loving and a caring woman and would not change anything about me.I think one of my greatest strength’s is my
sensitivity and the ability to open up to people draws others in and I would
never change that.
In fact, let me take you to the first weekend of work and give you a snap
shot of how my worst fears of discrimination were confirmed in a phone
conversation by a customer.I answered
the phone and I said our company name and said this is Rachel how can I help
you.She said , Rachel? I said yes this
is Rachel how can I help you?The female
customer said to me , “ I guess your mom wanted a boy?” I did not respond and
continued the conversation. The problem was when I hung the phone up.
I thought in the moment that I could deal with the comment. Again, I was so
wrong.I threw my headset down ran from
my cubicle and started to cry as I ran to the bathroom.I cried and cried and thought how could
someone be so cruel and mean to me and I am so nice.The pain cut me so deep and I realized what I
thought I could handle I could not in that moment.( honestly 50 percent of the calls start with
Rachel? I have learned to address this and respond by saying yes this is Rachel
and your name is ?)
I came back to my cubicle where a female coworker who was training me was
sitting.I told her exactly what
happened on the phone.She listened and
then shared how because of her nationality others have said on the phone you
sound like you are …. We shared other private moments of our lives and it
helped me work through this horrible experience. Next, I knew the best thing
was to take another call and that is what I did and I made two sales that
day.I simply don’t quit but actually I
came really close to quitting the job the first week twice but my coworkers and
the blonde helped me to work through the several issues.
But with all my training in years of sales, 2 1/2 hrs of DBT, college
education, marine training and raising a teenage daugher and, perhaps most
importantly, my friend nathalie by my side I literally hang on by a thread some days on
HRT. My experience on hormones has challenged and pushed me to the edge
only for me to become stronger and stronger but physically and emotionally it
takes everything out of me some days. To the point I am so exhausted I
have to sleep to restore my strength and the next day I am so much stronger. HRT should not be undertaken lightly
because it will test you like you never have tested in your life and if you
think you can do it by yourself you will be wrong.The consequences on HRT could be dire if you
are not prepared for the experience and do not have an unshakable support
system.My support system and a positive
attitude and my willingness to open up and trust others to help me is what I
believe stacks the cards in my favor to succeed.
I reentered the workforce full time in my chosen profession of sales and all woman now. This is a serious challenge but who knew this marine was up to the task. I was so soft spoken and now , as one friend said, " you are no longer on the sidelines. That is the truth.
I also will speak again next month and will post my unedited speech in my blog. I have been given opportunities that others like myself never get or dream of. I feel privileged, honored and understand the responsibility that comes with speaking.
I advocate and tell my story in public in very small venues like on the max, bus or in a doctor office or whenever the opportunity present it self. I also speak in public forums on occasion and understand just how important and the potential impact I can and have had in the past.
For when I speak there are times when I will be viewed as representing a entire class of veterans. No matter how often I give the disclaimer that I do not represent the entire class of veterans the audience who , many of whom, have never seen a transsexual woman except in the media. Thus, like or not, what I say , how i act and respond or react to the audience will be what the audience takes home and to their work place and beyond.
What separates myself from speakers like me is that I will never educate but I will share my story. It is my deeply held belief that I learn just as much as I share when I speak. I am a student of life and on a journey of learning. I just did not know I could have the impact that I have had over the last year in my life.
the support I have received from so many women .... there are no words to express my deep gratitude for their caring and reaching out to me..... this is one of the biggest reasons i feel compelled to step forward to speak.
My path in life has been changed forever because of women stepping forward to help me in my journey.
On Thursday I was running and had a bit of an accident which included a spilt lip, laceration and chipping a tooth and a filling that will need replace this week. I was running and took a good fall which the blunt of fall was absorbed by my chin, the laceration, and my mouth. I was very lucky I did not knock a few teeth out.
So in the last year I had this accident and I have pulled my hamstring but that did not deter me from running down the VA hill today. I am recovered now and will up date my blog either wednesday or thursday.
Please read this and take into consideration this was
written at 5 am and I felt like I needed to put this on paper so I did not
forget this important information.There
are plenty of grammar and spelling errors but the message is very, very
important.
(I brought the information and tools with me that I needed
from the past but reflecting on the past over and over has no value because the
missing piece of the puzzle does not exist.I am speaking of I wanted to feel like what is was like and feel as a girl
and teenager and beyond.I cannot
recreate something that never happened.I also wanted to resolve what I felt as a child as a girl and when it
happened.The answer is that I was born
with a female brain and anatomically male parts.I was trying to resolve something that cannot
be resolved and it does not matter.What
matters are that I brought the people and tools I needed from the past to live
my life as woman.( one day the blonde
said to me we take things from the people we need in our journey of life.She is the one I needed to bring with me to
help me on my journey in living as a woman.The estrogen experience is 99 percent mental and the physical part of
the estrogen is so small compared the mental aspect.)
Last night I had a major break in solving a major part of
puzzle that my brain has worked on for the last three months.At about month nine the estrogen started to
really kick in and my memories of the past began to become so clear to the
point that I felt like I was not reflecting on the past but actually there
because of the clarity of the memory.
I have explained this experience on estrogen as if many
people see the past in a prism and it is a black and white prism.Whereas I can create a prism in the past in
color and if I concentrate my prism, while on estrogen, has been restored to
the point if I can put my self there and see things I find can be quit
dangerous.I felt it could be dangerous
because I was so drawn to this experience that it would become an
obsession.I found that at times I was
so drawn into the past in trying to resolve why I was the way I am that may be
I will not be able to return to the present.This experience is that strong and the memories are that powerful and for
that reason I believe it is very dangerous and while on estrogen you have to be
ever so careful when reflecting in the past.
How strong and powerful are the memories?For example, I can put myself in the chair I
sat in when I was in Mrs. Neal’s first grade class.I can remember with great clarity the boy
next to me Tim and, if I concentrate, I can look into my crayon box and see
what colors on in it.Then I remember
that my favorite color was silver and how crayon was so worn down.Furthermore, I can visualize picking the
crayon up and put it in my hand and that is where I stop.Fortunately I realize that no one should have
power to remember the past with such clarity and at this point it is an
obsession and wonder if I as I go deeper and deeper into this memory it could
become very dangerous.
In my research of estrogen I came upon several articles that
explained that estrogen is used in stroke victims to help restore their
memory.So given my experience on
estrogen my feeling is that if it can help stroke victims restore their memory it
can be a very powerful drug that an increase a undamaged brain with memories
that is unspoken of in any research or study or blog.
Also in my research estrogen has been found to increase your
memory and in doing this the estrogen uses the new memory to develop a new way
of learning and in my case I believe a more efficient way to learn.I concluded early in my estrogen treatment
that I was “thinking differently’ and because of it I was able to resolve
issues that I could not have resolved in the past nearly 50 years.For example, I struggled with my weight all
of my life.In the second week I began
to work out and I was able to draw out of my memory exercises and mix the right
exercises from my aerobics classes,martial arts classes, physical training in the marines, or anything I
had learned in books over the years on diet and physical fitness.In all honesty, I lost most of the 100 lbs
in just 5 months because I was able to mix the right diet and exercise because
my brain now was like a finely oiled machine and on a mission. Where there was
nothing that was going to stop me from becoming the woman of my dreams.
I believed this new ability to put all this information
together to loss the weight is because of the estrogen.I had resolved a major issue which had eluded
me for nearly 30 years and it was because of the estrogen treatment.
I will update my blog again by this friday, hopefully, about how the my experience with arthritis changed my perspective and prospective of life and how short it is and moved me from the sidelines to front and center. In particular I will focus on how advocating for my daughter lead to advocating for myself. My transformation began the minute my daughter was born not 2010 when I decided to stop being don.
I have come to realize that my blogs are so deeply emotional
to me and more physically and emotionally draining that I thought they would
be. But I believe in what I am doing and
hope it will help so many others.
This blog is dedicated to my daughter who I love more than
anything in the world.
The life changing moment in my life was when my daughter was
born in 1992. It was no accident that
she has the same name as my best friend Natalie. If I had my way my friend, Natalie, would
have been the god mother but due to the hard rules of the Catholic Church it
was not permitted. I was kicking and
screaming because Natalie was my first, second and third choice of god mothers
but I had to concede on this issue because of church rules.
With the birth of my daughter my life took a turn for the
positive and gave me a sense of direction and purpose that I had never had in
my life. I love my daughter more than anything
in the world like any parent. But to
hold a child that you know is part of you is beyond words until you are
actually in that moment. I felt so lucky
and fortunate to have shared in the birth of my one and only daughter.
Doing this time SIDS (sudden Infant Death Syndrome) was in
the news often enough that I will go in to my daughter’s room in the middle of
the night to make sure she was ok. I
also gave her bottle in the middle of the night and make sure she was good
through out the night. When I would go
to town she would come with me. I loved
my BaBa and she loved going by bys with her daddy.
But, as my mother would say, god forbid I try to sneak in
the bathroom in the morning so I could go to bathroom and go back to bed. I never would get back to bed because my
daughter would hear me going to bathroom and say, “dada , dada…” I would try to
ignore hoping she would go back to sleep but the Dada would get louder and
louder. So each morning I would go into
her room and get her bed. I might have
been just a bit over protective but she was my pride and the joy of my life.
But, by 1997 the relationship with my former wife had
reached a point of no return. I had
developed severe rheumatoid Arthritis where I was unable to get around without
the use of crutches. I was, in my mind, fighting for my very life
and by December 1997 the relationship with my former wife had ended. So, our family now consisted of me and
little Natalie who was 5 years old. Now
I was going to have to fight for myself and Natalie whose love would help me
fight the fight of my life against this horrible disease.
Doing this period of time I was on drug that was in its’
experimental trials called Enbrel. I
literally was a test subject for this new class of drugs that were supposedly
able to reverse the effects of rheumatoid Arthritis. I was fighting the depression that comes with
this disease, a divorce and raising my daughter with the shear will to never
quit but it was getting the best of me.
You have to understand that RA (rheumatoid arthritis ) has a cycle that
I would break down like this 1. Inflammation of the joints 2. followed by
fatigue 3. this is followed by sleep deprivation .
The RA has reached the sleep deprivation stage with me and
beyond and I did not know if I was coming or going. Yes, there were days I would cry because the
pain and depression was that bad. Plus,
my body would not respond to the enbrel for nine more months. So, how did I
hang on for nearly a year and fight the depression and extreme pain of RA?( how
bad was my RA ? according to my doctor out of 10 , 9 were better than me.)
I hung on and fought the RA and depression that comes with
it because of my five year old daughter needed a daddy. I could not look in her face and say “I quit.” Also on a few occasions I could not hold back
the tears because of the extreme pain of my RA and my daughter would see me
crying. She said, “daddy don’t worry it
will be ok.” She then would give me her
favorite stuffed animal and say he will make you better daddy. I am sure I cried more after she handed me
her stuffed animal. I knew by now I was
fighting RA not just for me but my daughter Natalie. (talking about a sense of purpose does it get
any more important?)
I am sure at some subconscious level this gave me the drive
to keep going and never quit because RA is one of the most crippling diseases
known to mankind. I also, looking back,
feel guilty that in my eyes that her childhood ended to some extent because she
had to take care of me to a point. So, my
daughter was experiencing the trauma of a divorce and her daddy was fighting
RA. I knew I had to fight RA and find a
way to be there for my daughter. There
was no way I was going to orphan my daughter due to this disease; this simply
was not going to happen.
Over the next two years with the help of Enbrel injections,
my daughter, doctor and physical therapy some times 3 days a week I was able to
reduce the RA inflammation. It was
caught early enough and with the right drug that my bones show no signs of Ra
to this day. But, the will to fight this
disease I tribute to the love of my five
year old daughter who gave me so much strength at such a critical time in both
of our lives.
Doing this time in my life, my gender was for another day, I
wanted to have the strength to take my daughter to school, preparing meals,
getting to the bathroom, the very basics we all take for granted in our lives
and I just wanted to survive this fight with RA. My primary and secondary concern was my
daughter and finding a way to be there for her every day.
To survive this was a
win in anyone’s book because I know what RA can be at its’ worst and I thought
I was not going to make it and my daughter would be without her father. I could not allow this to happen and found a
way to fight because of the love of my daughter. She is/was the most important thing in my
life and I was not going to let myself or her down.
I had plenty of help from my family but my grandmother in
particular. Natalie and I partially
lived at my grandmother’s house and my grandmother made sure Natalie knew she
was important to her and everyone. My
grandmother knew first hand about RA because she had it most of her life. She would say, “Donnie, wait till it get’s in
your big toe.” She made me us both laugh and helped us both through this hard
time in our lives. I will speak about my
grandmother in a blog but let me say for now that she was very important to
Natalie and helped her through the divorce and the time I needed to heal with
my RA. I think the family, as whole, gets
their toughness and stubbornness from my grandmother but that is for another
day. My grandmother was a rock for both
Natalie and myself until she passed.
I am sure reading through this blog that you probably did
not think once of transsexual or transgendered woman because I can tell you
without a doubt that I did not even think of it until my RA healed. I was lucky enough to have the medicine, the
will via the love of my daughter, and my will to be there for my daughter to
survive this stage of my life. I was one
of lucky ones in the fight with RA.
My daughter means the world to me and, like other parents, I
hated to see her see me like this and have to take care of me for the first
year of this disease.
As I told Natalie in the past, “ if I had another daughter I
would want it to be you.” I meant that from
the bottom of my heart and still do.
Thank you for being my daughter and loving me.
I will update my blog by Friday and it will be dedicated to the girl
that changed my life in a profound way. I have not made this journey
by myself but through the blessing of so many women around me that have helped me become my true self. Like every parent in America, like myself, I feel our
children are truly our national treasure that should not be taken for
granted. That could not be any truer especially with my daughter
Natalie.
In many ways I have lived a privileged life. I served in the marines corps and traveled to eight different countries by the time I was 24. Then I attended and graduated from one of the best universities in the country. That was followed by the privilege of raising my daughter until she was 18 years old. Then at 50 with my life experiences behind me I was able to become the woman of my dreams. Then add the opportunities to speak about my life experiences and my gender in a large public forum which helped so many others.
discussion:
Is this not a privilege?
but it is also sad that because I am different type of woman I had to wait 50 years to be a woman and why?
Like the blonde says it is all about perceptions and prospective and I have been very fortunate in my life with the best yet to come. I am like the energizer bunny and never quit.
I wanted to go forward and begin to talk about my thought
processes and how my memory has improved dramatically while on estrogen.However, when I was editing my speech from the
Regional Conference last week it brought to the surface just how deep the wounds are revolving around
my mother’s death. It took me the better part of two days to push my way
through editing this speech because I most definitely have not gotten past
it like I thought I had before I did the editing.
I thought enough time had past and I could edit it with a
few tears.Again, I was wrong because I
cried and cried, at times uncontrollably, as I edited the speech and at times I had to stop and come back to it. I was able to push through the editing because
it helped me heal and I believe in what I am doing by making the speech public.I also have no idea
how I was able to bring myself to rewrite the speech to include my mother’s death and
present it in front of the VA region in February.It must have been the fact that privately I dedicated my speech to my mother
that had just passed away.
So, tonight I will lighten things up a bit and try to inject
some humor into my blog at my own expense.
For years members of my family, friends and many others even
strangers in doctor’s office and other public places have said after I sneeze ,
“god bless you.”That usually elicited a
unique “grin” mixed with a bashful smile from me.Then I would reply, “thank you.” I have always left it at that and
smiled some more with no one paying any attention to my nonverbal expressions.
If they only knew why I was sneezing many would not say, “God
bless you.”As a woman said once to my
daughter and I, “I could tell you both beat a drum to a different beat".We all have our quirks that makes us very
unique and this one is mine.
Half the time I sneeze it is due to a chill I get but the
other half as nothing to do with the environment what so ever.As I work up to what I want to say in this blog….this Reminds
of the time when I was trying to ask for a special request that was out of the box
and wondered what the women would think of my request?. Back to my blog now, I also was thinking oh that is right I have
emailed my blog link to friends, associates and every one I know in Portland and beyond.WowI
wonder what everyone will think of this and then I thought they will understand
it is just how Rachel is and we know she is so transparent and wears her heart of her sleeve. I often get this comment because of my transparency, peopel say "I have never met anyone like you." This gets a laugh out of me. I just am thinking I am me.
Now, the other half of the time when I sneeze it is a because my mind has wondered to thinking about women. That right I am a lesbian and my mind could drift to thinking of very sexual hot woman which comes from a fantasy in my thoughts or someone I have seen recently that I was attracted to at the mall.
What am I thinking about these women? wow I love to be with her and have her kiss me so softly as we hold each other, perhaps I love her to caress my face ever so softly, caress up my arm with her long nails, or come behind me and push my hair to the side and kiss the back of my neck. Sorry to the anyone that is thinking it is about physical sex because that is not how I am wired. I will take a soft wet kiss over sex any day of the week. I have been like this since I can remember and I have traced it back to kissing a girl when I was 21.
The dead give away when I sneeze that it is about a woman is when I cannot stop sneezing and there is that grin mixed with a ever so slight blush. But who would know the difference? Until now no one because it was my little secret I kept to myself. The difference now is that a lot of people will know my little secret but we all have secrets. But now you know one of mine and it is something that is unique to Rachel.
I think by sharing some very private things about myself that it will open up deep conversations well beyond my gender and there is more to me than my gender. I have said in the past that " my gender is important to me but not the totality of me." We all have very complex personalities and a unique set of characteristics.
Which get back to my question in one of my first blogs do you really know a transsexual woman? I hope after you read more of my blogs that you will know at least one and that is me.
What is unique about you?
thank you
Rachel
ps I will dive into my memories and the powerful effects of estrogen and memory this week. I think I have healed enough to move on past the pain of last week and move on to revealing my private memories which estrogen has brought to the surface.
This weekend I will gather some information I have collected over the last several months on how estrogen improves ones ability to recall so much from your childhood. I will give very specific examples that I have experienced while on estrogen for the last year.
The detail is outright scary and I would describe it as most people look through a prism in the past that is in black and white. The estrogen allows me to see things in color and if I concentrate enough I can fine tune these events and places. This is what I meant by this can be a blessing or curse in my last blog.I do not believe my case is atypical but I do understand why so many
others would not want to talk about it.
I did not believe those on estrogen could recall their childhood back to the age of 5. Again, my perception has changed, I was wrong and believe it is true and if not managed well can be a major issue/stressor on HRT. I had to do my own research to connect the dots and I hope by sharing with others they will not have to connect the dots during such a vulnerable time in our lives.
I was seriously challenged to do research while going through HRT which caused a serious increase in my anxiety. My shear determination to become who I was born to me drove me and I had the tools many others do not have based on my previous job as a project manager for a US government contractor. I did this for a living for three years and had honed my skills while at that job in finding information that was difficult if not impossible for others to find.
For example the US Navy requested that former employer have a 1955 GE Switching Locomotive repaired. Many you might be wondering why this was so important to the US Navy? This old locomotive pulls a caboose which is attached to freight cars that carrier "highly sensitive" US ammunition and Nuclear ordinance to destinations throughout the country. The two locomotives that needed repaired had not worked in over 20 years properly. I found a guy that specialized in this rare locomotive and in three months it was working like it was new. I worked tireless night and day and put in 12 plus hrs a day on this project while managing others and delivered where others had failed before.
Not once in my three years while I was a project manager did I fail to find a solution to any project. I believe that there is always a solution. The blond told me one day years ago she had heard a saying, "either you part of the problem or the solution." I believe that am problem solver whereas negative thinking focus on the the problem and people cannot see the possibility that there is a solution.
I have been working on the biggest project of my life and that is my gender. I will not and cannot fail because I visualize success not failure. I will succeed where others fail not because I am the smartest but because I have an insatiable drive to succeed and you could label that as persistence. Zig Ziglar saying is , " persistence overcomes resistance." He also says, and henry ford, "if you think you can or can't you are probably right." My positive mental attitude is a major reason that I have succeeded in the Marines, Penn State, raising my daughter and my gender.
I will leave you for now but I will have a new posting on this topic by sunday pm.
I would like to dedicate this blog to all the women who have helped me and empowered me from subtle ways to giving me a voice in the community.
This includes the casual wink by the lesbian couple, women on the max or bus, ladies that help me with make up at Norstrom's, my close friends , the blonde, my mother, my daughter, and the VA from the ladies at the check in to the nurses, doctors, the regional office, the advocate office and all that helped me over my life time that have helped give me the strength to speak. There are hundreds of you and my sincere appreciation comes from the bottom of my heart and thank you.
All of you have done your part in my life and made my life so much better for it. Now I will do my part and open my heart of soul to the public and I hope that it will help others as you all have helped me.
again thank you,
Rachel
Now here is my speech from the regional conference and please take away the totality of the message and remember that I wrote this speech on the heels of one of biggest crisis in my adult life and thus there are typos and much more. The message is what is important. I risk much in revealing so much but much is to be gained. The benefits out weight the risk from my prospective.
The last and most important part of my speech is in outline form because I could not bring myself to write it up due to the trauma it created.
Lastly, this written speech is merely the content not the order in which it was presented at the conference.
My power is in passion and my ability to speak from my heart and this probably is the key reason I was invited to speak. Like the blonde says " I have a heart of gold."
Good Afternoon everyone!
First, I would like to thank everyone for coming and for
allowing me to share my story with you.
I am very honored and humbled to be such a position and I also realize
that with out a lot of help ….This opportunity would not be possible.
To me, this entire process has been so surreal and opened my
eyes to how much the VA has changed over the years and how the outreach to the
transgendered community has evolved. I
would like to thank Director Francoise and Director Jones for the opportunity
to speak with you today which demonstrates to me that the VA is sincere and
truly interested in hearing a voice of the Transgendered Community.
I would like to thank my Endocrinologist, who has
initialized my hormone treatment and who has coordinated my treatment with Dr.
Simon, my pcp, to ensure that I am
provided with hormones in the very better manner. I also would like to thank the Portland VA
Director and the chief of Staff of Portland VA, and the entire staff of the
Portland VA Hospital for the excellent quality of care I have received at the
hospital.
I want to digress for a minute and say that, not only the
care has been superb, but many of the staff have gone out of there way to make
me feel at home while at in the PortlandHospital. Such comments by the staff include: “I like your dress… and it looks good on you,
and you really look nice as always, and a hello from a pharmacy employee on the
local bus. This extra effort by the
staff, at this level, goes above and beyond what other medical providers have demonstrated
to me. This personal touch means a lot
not only to me but all Veterans. (additionally,
since this speech the women’s health care clinic reached out to me a day after
I called them with health concerns to ensure I was doing fine… I never had that
love and touch from the private sector.
It was very important to me since I am on hormone therapy… the most
vulnerable time in my life)
First, I also would like to take the time to thank the
entire staff at Portland East Clinic, especially Dr. Simon and her staff, who
created an atmosphere of trust with me from my first appointment at the Clinic.
This atmosphere of trust was critical in
my care as it has allowed me to have open and honest discussions about the
sensitive issues surrounding my unique needs as a transgendered woman for
example: When should I get my first mammogram?
Dr. Simon response was, “ … that is a good question rachel, let me find
out and get back to you.” I valued her
response because she did not know but was willing to research the question and
get back to me with the answer. She has
taken the extra time in the past to allow me to ask questions and I also had
complete answers before she ended the appointment. This extra time demonstrated to me that she
truly cares and she will take the time needed to gather the additional
information to make the best possible decision in providing excellent health to
me. The relationship I have with Dr.
Simon was so important in making me feel like I was part of the VA community
and at the same time it also increased my trust in, not just her, but the
entire VA hospital.
When I was informed that I was entitled to services at
Women’s Health Care Center; “I responded, “I am very confident in Dr. Simon
abilities and have developed an excellent relationship with her and prefer to
keep her as my Primary Care doctor. (since then Dr. Simon has moved out of the
VA system and I have moved to women’s health care for my medical needs.)
I would like to start by saying that …….. I am not an expert
on transgendered issues nor speak for the community but I will offer some of my
personal experiences from my prospective and perception. Everyone in the transgendered community has a
very unique experience. But I do believe that there are many parallels with my
story and other transsexuals and by sharing my story that it will open a window
into what it is like to be a transgendered woman. There are very unique challenges in a
transgendered woman’s life and I will offer some perspective from my
experiences.
I believe by sharing my story it will not only open a window
or door into the transgendered veteran community but could open the door for
further communication and understanding well beyond this meeting. I also think I will learn a great deal from
the questions you ask. It will give me
an idea of what the perspective and perception is of the transgendered
community.
For example, I was actually enlightened by my daughter that
my prospective of hormones and her prospective of hormones is quite
different. Specifically, from her point
of view, she sees hormones as in her words, “…daddy it is like plastic
surgery.” From my prospective, hormones
are medication that are medically necessary as any medication would be for
treatment.
After my daughter and I discussed hormones, there was a
pause in the conversation and she stated, “Daddy, I am really trying to
understand.” I said, “I understand where
you are coming from now.”
I honestly believe this type of conversation
between the staff of the VA and the transgender community would benefit the VA
community as whole.
How did I get to opportunity to speak with you today?
When I met with director Francoise back in December and I
shared my story with her and just how much progress I had made in such a short
time with my hormone treatment provided by the PortlandVA. I also went into detail about where I was
mentally and physically on August 4, 2011 and how far I had come in five short
months. I believe she was taken by my
success and just how transparent I was about my personal growth and experience
with the hormone treatment. I told her
about the challenges I had overcome and with each new challenge I had a new challenge
to work on and believe the hormone medication provided by the VA was a critical
piece of the puzzle that had been missing for at least the last 30 years.
I credited the
hormones and environment as the last two critical pieces of the puzzles to
resolve issues that I was unable and unwilling to revolve in the last 30 years.
I also believed that the supportive Portland
community and my medication were two critical pieces of the puzzle.
I requested to share my story with other Doctors and staff
because I believed I could make a difference and by doing this it would help
other Transgendered Veterans. (in all
honesty I realized few had the good fortune to meet with the senior leadership
of the VA and clarification on my specific issue was minor compared to my
larger goal of establishing a long term relationship where I could talk to the
people who implement policy. )
Today, I will give you an unedited and true account of my
experiences while on estrogen. At the time I started the hormone replace
therapy, I had no idea how critical the timing was in my life and on January
22, 2012 it would become so apparent why I needed the estrogen treatment
starting on August 4, 2011 and not a day or month later. I would be in the middle of family crisis
surrounding my gender identification. This crisis would change my life in such
a profound way and I could have regretted not transitioning with the assistance
of estrogen. It was literally a life changing experience which I will talk
about later. I am saying time was not on
my side and there was a sense of urgency that I was unaware of at this time.
I have done over thousands of hours of research on sites like
National Institute of Health and the WPATH(Benjamin Harry Standards), asking
questions to doctors, and talked to
other transgendered women on line and truly I understand what the physical implications of what estrogen does
and does not do to your body. However, I have yet to read one article on
the possible mental health transformation which I have experienced over the
last six months. The mental health transformation has been so profound that I
can state, without a doubt, that the transformation with the estrogen was 10
percent physical and 90 percent mentally. (at
this time I thought I knew what to expect but given how much I went through in
the 6 months since my speech … I had not a clue….another change in perceptive)
It is my intension to
reveal much of my thought processes and how I was able to overcome the
challenges. I know this is a bold and
racial new approach but I really don’t see how the current situation is
satisfactory to the doctors or the transgender community where there is this
wall of secrecy.
I truly understand I am literally opening Pandora’s box into
the mind of a transgendered woman. I
accept the risk involved and have been assured by director Francoise that what I am about to disclose
will be kept in strictest of confidence within the VA Medical System. I trust her and I will trust everyone will
respect my information and privacy with my family and my friends because I will
give their real first names. (my trust
was well placed and do not regret this to this day)
I going to start with my childhood and describe what is was
like to live in my household while pretending to be a boy. I will explain why I say “pretending to be a
boy” later but this is how I view myself at this point in my life. My family consisted of my father, mother,
younger brother and younger sister.
At this time, I thought we were your average family living
in Middle America in rural central Pennsylvania. My father was from Queens NYC and my mother
from a small town in Pennsylvania
as was her family where we lived. My
father was an insurance agent and my mother was a secretary at the local
elementary school. To me we were just
your average America
family. But, inside from early age
something was very different about me and I learned what was acceptable by
family standards and society as a whole.
In response I would alter my choices to conform to society to what a
male should like and not like and should do and not do.
From an early age I would softly challenge the rules and
social norms. It was more than a gender
issue and rooted much deeper that I knew about at the time.
For example:
I put my arms on the kitchen table and my mother said,
“Donald take your arms off the table.” I responded but the French put their
arms on the table and quickly she said, “we are not French…”
There was more than a rebellious kid underneath my skin and the
female was about to pop her head out for a quick peek and I am sure my mother
would never forget it.
My mother was painting the bedrooms and she had already
painted my sisters pink. She said, “what
color do you want your room?” I said, “the same color as my sister’s.” She said boys cannot have pink. So then she suggested the color blue. So the
both of us looked at different colors of blue on the paint chart and I found
that the baby blue was my second pick. My mother then said what about this
darker blue… I said no baby blue. So,
for nearly forty plus years I assumed my favorite color was blue and not
pink. This is the first time I can
remember I compromised myself and this compromising would be a critical issue that
I would regret.(according to many
research articles estrogen “rewires the brain” which started at week two for me. The estrogen works on the neurons of the
brain and elongates and thickens the dendrites and creates more efficient and
stronger connections between the neurons in the brain. This in turn improves your memory and your
ability to learn is improved. I did not
know this at the conference but it has become very clear to me over the one
year on estrogen. This could sounds like a gift but can be a mixed blessing
which I will discuss in a later blog)
Then, hint number two to my
mother came when I wanted to play the violin since my father had sit us
kids down and I had heard Beethoven 9th symphony. I fell in love with the sound of the
violin. I wanted badly to play the
violin however again boys don’t play the violin. So I ended up playing piano, then drums and
played trombone for seven years. Again,
I compromised and settled for second best and this will become very important
to me when I decided to stop pretending
to be a male. (once I compromised my
most basic self , my gender, I had to think what is one more compromise and
then another and then another??)
I was starting to understand that something might be
different about me from an earlier age but at the time I had no idea what was
going on. I do remember one day, like it
was yesterday, my dad and brother were cutting a piece of wood with a saw in
the carport and I was not very good at it.
So, I decided to go in and see if I could help my mother cook because
for some reason I felt like I wanted to cook.
So, I went into the house and asked to help her cook. She said, “No go out with your father.” Looking back, I felt like I did not belong. I am sure by this time I was feeling very
alone and not sure what was going on or where I belonged. (I do
remember trying to fish at a family picnic and the short of it is I forgot to
hold onto the fishing rod and the rod went flying in the lake. As my friend says I cannot make this up. The male thing was not there all of my life
but I pretended like so many of us do to fit in and not raise “eye brows”)
Fast forward to sixteen years old, this could have happened
at earlier age I am not sure, But, at
sixteen when I am working and able to leave the house I was a local five and
dime( like the dollar store today), and I located a pair of sexy red thongs. I want them but I live in small town and
everyone knows everyone so buying them is out of question. So, I make the
choice to purchase them but I know if I am discovered their will be dire
consequences for me at home. I am not talking
about privileges taken away like the car or ability to go to dances but the
corporal punishment from my father. You
have to realize I came from a very strict catholic family where you don’t ask
why except for me. My mother’s response
was, “because I told you Donald.”
(Corporal punishment
was the norm in the 70’s at home and used in the schools. At the local public high
school whose parents were doctors and lawyers and parents like mine; we had a
staff member whose job was to spank and keep all the kids in line and carried a
large paddle around the high school. I
keep a very, very low profile since the times were very different than today. )
So, getting caught with women’s panties would … there are no
words to describe the humiliation and punishment I would receive not only from my
family but other member of the community.
But honestly, it was something I needed and the benefit out weighted the
risk in this sixteen year’s old mind. So, I purchased a few thongs and thank god I
never got caught. I had no idea what was going on in my head but I knew I had
to keep it secret.
I held everything
inside that was feminine because I knew of the consequences if my secret ever
got out. It was a prison camp to me
without any possibility of parole so I did the most logical think I could or I
thought I could from the mindset of a 17 year old. I joined the marines via my friend in
band. One day my friend asked me, “hey
Donnie why don’t you join the Marines?”
That question demand at least 3 seconds of thought processing power to
say, “yes.” I thought freedom at last and the recruiter told me college money
and travel the world. I heard what I
wanted to hear. (on many occasions my
mother would say “think Donald”…. I should have thought that one through but I
was 17)
Now let’s skip forward to 2011.
I started on hormones on August 4, 2011 and weighted in at
291 lbs. Within two weeks, the estrogen
had suppressed my appetite to the point I started to lose weight. I no longer had to worry about over eating
and thought to myself what if I started to walk? So, I started to walk a few
blocks and before I knew it I was walking a few days a week.
Within the first month I must have lost twenty lbs. I really wondered how is this possible? Then I read an article on NIH website that
stated that Estradiol was known to speed up your metabolism. (national
institute of health; also told me of the danger of estrogen in rare instances
is anorectic state of mind and I thought what the hell have I got myself
into? This was no joke and HRT is serious
business. So, If you going to go on
hormones and think this is an experiment please turn back now. The consequences if you are not under the
care of therapist and doctor are can be deadly.
My personal
opinion is that I don’t care what the WPATH Standards ( formerly Harry Benjamin standards) which
state that you either need 3 months of therapy or three months of “real life
experience” they are wrong. I know
something about this and please ask yourself a question: Why do you think so many don’t make it or don’t
talk about this in public? There are very good reasons for it and I will
share in further blogs but for now be smart and get a good therapist, a doctor
with experience in HRT and someone that will support you that you can call on
24/7 . It has happened to me and will happen to others and you will need this
support person to call because hrt will test you like nothing in your life has
ever tested you. )
By the third month, I was down thirty lbs or so and had
mixed jogging and walking in with my workout.
But what perplexed me is that I have serious Rheumatoid Arthritis and had
broken both my ankles in the marines and also I had my left knee scoped. This progress did not make any sense. How was this possible? I did not know but I kept riding the
improbable wave. By December 1, 2011, I
was running up to VA Hospital and back down the hill non- stop in a time of
1:30 minutes and weighted 210 lbs.
I now run the same six miles in 1:08 hours two -three times
a week and lift weights twice a week and my weight is 188 lbs. Let me put this in to prospective; in six months I have gone from 292 lbs to 188
lbs and, that not the half of it, I can
do splits that I have not done since I was 19 yrs old and have strength to go
along with it. What happened to the
arthritis and what really happened inside was key to my overnight success. Everyone could see the physically changes but
that paled in comparison to what happened mentally.(no mystery to me now and the answer is partially that the spirolatane
reduced my arthritis inflammation as the estrogen “rewired my brain.” But how
it all came together in six months is the mystery and with over 100 lbs that
came off I have no excess skin )
This is the major reason I have decided to come out and
speak. My experience is so unique or is
it? I researched so much on hormones for
years and no article or medical doctor or transgender has ever spoken of what I
have experienced. The transformation
came from within and at a rate that is unspoken of to the best of my knowledge. I truly understand the concern of doctors and
prescribing hormones now from a point of view I did not have before. If I did not have thirty years of preparing
for this journey in the last six months I would be in serious trouble.
I had to use every skill set I ever learned in my life. This
included:
Marine
corps training for physical endurance
Aerobics
Two
½ years of Dialectal behavior
Therapy Classes
Zig
Ziglar and positive mental attitude
If
you think you can or can’t you probably right
FEAR;
false evidence appearing real
Strive
for progress not perfection
…who
you become in achieving your goals is so important
·Life experiences and that includes raising my
daughter for 18 years
My positive attitude was another key piece of the puzzle. There were so many pieces of the puzzle but
attitude was very important and my willingness to share my story was another
asset which many do not have. My sales
career had played another important role because I was used to talking to
people. I love to talk and it was
another gift that was needed in my “transition.” I have learned to blend what I need from the
past to the present and this is and was a serious challenge but I found a way.
I also found out that the running is what grounded me and this
established a goal each day where I started to feel good about “new” self. At first when I started to run I was very
angry and began to understand that I was using anger all my life when I ran to
compensate for the pain. This pain was associated with my joints and this had
existed since I was at least 19 yrs old.
I started to learn
and acknowledge the fact this was not what I was about and then change slowly
occurred. But slowly was measured in
weeks, not months or years, I was searching in my mind for what is going
on? I intuitive knew the way I was
thinking was dramatically changing and fast.
I was, at times, struggling to keep on the pace with my quick mental
transition and it literally took every skill I learned in my life.
But also, I realized I had merged the beliefs of Zig Ziglar
positive mental attitude and DBT.(Dialectal
behavior therapy) To such a
point, I began to perform to my
potential and reflected while in the act for example, I had started to run 8
miles and it was draining me to point I could not do anything else that
day. Then one day, I was running and I
asked myself: “why am I running 8
miles? What is the real Goal? Is it to
run 13k run or become slender and sexy woman? “I quickly realized on the run
that my goal was to become slender and sexy and a piece of paper on my wall
with certificate I had run 13k would mean nothing to me. I then realized something special had
happened for the first time in my life.
What was going on in my mind? What had dramatically changed that I was
able to put everything together in months where I had failed for nearly 50 yrs?
For months I refused to believe it could be my gender and it
was that simplistic. I had compromised
my morals to compensate and protect the woman within so she was safe. But in doing so, I had caused a conflict
between right and wrong and what was one more value compromised since I was not
being true to myself as a woman. (I compromised my basic value of my gender
and there was a cascade effect all aspects of my life)
But once I was being true to myself as a woman I no longer
needed vices such as pornography, cybering or overeating. This is the only way I could logically see
where all the vices I had used were not needed anymore. Not only where they not needed I found them
repulsive and thought how did I sink so low in my life? A life experience was about to bare how
vulnerable I had become , and in a painful way, that I had changed and it would
push my emotions to the edge. This
experience pushed me so hard and I never saw it coming.
I had been applying for work on line and had very little
success so I decided what hell, almost jokingly, I will apply on line at this
adult store. Because before the estrogen
and the changing internally it was part of my life and I frequented adult
businesses. So I thought I might enjoy
working around pornography. I went in
for the interview and doing the interview the guy asked me, “what kind of toys
and devices do you use that are in our store?
I responded “I have…then refused to give any details and I was in shock
he even ask that question. I left the
interview and went home thinking that guy was a “pig” for asking me that
question but figured what the hell.
I was in a lot worse
shape then I thought and immediately entering my apartment I started to cry and
could not stop. I said out loud, “how low
have I sank? I cannot do this and it is not me……many women like me cross this
line but I cannot. I reached out to a
friend, joy, I confided in her and I told her I have sunk so low and cannot
believe it. I cried uncontrollably and
cried and cried ….. I could not stop crying.
I was pushed so hard that I thought I was about to mentally break but
somehow I was able to talk to joy and calm down after about 20 minutes. Then,
after I got off the phone I was so mentally and physically exhausted that I
collapsed on my bed and went to sleep. (This is why you need the proper support on
HRT and if you think you can handle it on your own? You are wrong. I thought I had read everything there is to
read over a 30 yr period, the key word thought, I knew what I was getting
myself into but I was wrong. As the
smart ass blonde ,Natalie, told me one day Welcome to Womanhood.)
A few days later, I realized that something special had
happened but was not sure how to label it or how I would cope with it in the
future. Although at the time, I
understood that the crying was not only a release but a way my mind and body
was deal with difficult issues and I perceived crying as positive. (How often do similar events happen? It all depends on the mood of estrogen and it
could be days in between or hours or minutes.
You simply have no warning at all.
Fight it and I can almost guarantee it will do you in so, again, if HRT
is an experiment I would opt out now. I thought marine boot camp was hard my
perception of that is different now.)
There is another powerful example but before I tell you
about it. Let me say again, I had to
deal with every possible demon and emotion that was just below the surface and
this example was so powerful and I am glad I had the resources I did or the
door could have swung the other way. (Theother way can be defined as drug,alcohol or worse suicide. I will not sugarcoat the situation and all
that is good about estrogen can go that other way without the support network
which includes doctors, therapist, and the friend that on call 24/7.)
I had come to realize that my brain had
been rewired to the way it was suppose to be and I literally feel like I have
been reborn and for the first time in my life really feel alive. Then, I acknowledged that what was between my
legs did not match the brain. The breast
growth was to me very satisfactory but what is the penis doing there and as I
lost weight it became a major issue. However
one day it reached a crescendo I was in my apartment and begun to cry
again. This time I was looking between
my legs and could not believe how God or natural selection had done something
so wrong. I could not stop crying and
lying on my bed I had a thought “what if I was to cut it off?” Almost immediately my logical part of my
brain said, “what would that solve?”
Then, I thought what am I going to do? …. Crying some more…… Again I
called joy and she helped me thought this heart wrenching time again. The personal growth that was occurring was
dramatically fast and took so much out of me but it really was worth it. Why? Because I was crying and letting my true
emotions out there was no more depression or anxiety. The clinical depression that had plagued me
for decades was gone and in six short months. (fyi I used the exact language at the regional conference…the content
of my speech was mine and mine alone)
Just when I thought I
had it all figured out … actually I had put everything in nice box … exactly
what I ask others not to do with me. Of
all people, my daughter would point me in a direction that would unleash a
powerful force from the past that would explain so much of my life. This person I had not spoken to in years.
First let me explain that I raised my daughter from the age
of 5-18. So, I got my dream of sorts to be a mother less the child bearing
however I had developed severe Arthritis by 1997. It took nearly two years of physical therapy
three times a week and twice a week injections of enbrel. This was a true test of character and my will
to survive and make sure my daughter had a role model in her life.
My daughter was five when I developed this horrible disease
and I looked at her face and I remember how I was deeply hurt that her
childhood ended at five because she had to take care of me. I was determined to do what it took to get
better. How bad was my arthritis? I asked my doctor who treated me that exact
question and without hesitation he said, “out of ten , nine were better than
you.”
I had always made
sure my daughter knew she was important and I was positive role model. I knew my daughter, Natalie, was very smart
from an early age as I struggled to keep up in elementary school explaining the
concept of the big bang theory. I did
not struggle per say but was trying to mentally cope with how smart my daughter
was at an early age. I hoped my college education would be able to keep me
ahead of her to at least the age of 12.
On January 15, 2012, I was talking to Natalie and we had
been dancing around my transition for months.
We had talked briefly about her coming to see me and both of us back off
because of many reasons. Both of us had no desire to hurt each others feeling
and it was going to take more time.
I then said “ I really only had one best friend in my life
and that was Natalie.” She was a friend
of mine back in college who I named my daughter after. My daughter, Natalie, then said “ it would be
good to know how she is and may be you should email her?” I said I had thought about her a lot recently
and maybe I would try to find her.
What I had not told my daughter is that my Friend, Natalie,
probably was not only my friend but my female role model and I did not realize
it at PennState.
I was not ready for the door I was about to open a door and the intensity would equal that of my
gender for my friend Natalie, who I refer to as the blonde, was about to come
back into my life after eight long years.
What I need to tell you about the blonde first is that we
were such good friends at Penn state that our families honestly believed we
were dating. We always laughed about
that because as close as we were neither one was attracted to the other. But we shared something, intangible, between
us that neither of us could describe. At
PennState we were like our own little family
and she would cook for me and we just have this close bond. It was more than friends but you literally
cannot put our friendship into a box.
At critically times my friend, Natalie, has been by my side
to help me in life. That was never more
apparent then March 1988 when we both were seniors. My father had passed away on March 10, 1988
and the funeral scheduled a few days later.
I asked Natalie to come to be with me doing the funeral. Doing the
funeral when I could no longer contain my emotions I cried on Natalie s
shoulder. It occurs to me now that at
this point, if not before, we were more than friends and she had filled a void
in life where I felt empty and she is more like a sister than a friend.
Natalie said years later I was looking for someone to
develop a friendship with and we met and bonded almost immediately in the Fall
of 1984. She had just broken up with
student who had been in the marines and she was crying and I stopped while on
my bike and asked her if she was ok? She
was so touched that I was there for her and within a short time we were almost
inseparable for the next four years in college.
Looking back again, she and I had developed a most functional
relationship that I ever had that in my life prior to meeting her. I believe based on our relationship I was
able to build on it and, in my heart of hearts, believe it is a major reason I
was able to have better relationships in my life. She had a big impact on my life and me on
hers. She told me one day that she
learns just as much from me as I do from her.
So fast forward to 2004, while still fighting arthritis I
need her help in a big way and reached out to her. At this time, my friend, Natalie, and now her
family with husband and two children are in Florida.
I talked to my friend Natalie and I asked to come visit me and I needed
her help. Within a few days, she packed up
her children and traveled and dropped her children off with her parents and
came to assist me. Shortly after that we
had a falling out and I told her not to call me again. Back then she tried to help but I was unable
to accept any help from anyone.
I had written her off until January 16th this
year. I called and I asked for Natalie
on the phone and she said, “who is this?”
I said this is Don. She then
said, I did not think I ever hear from you again. First, I apologized for what
I had told her and done in the past and she thought I never would call
again. She also said I was worried
about you and then we started to talk.
The more we talked the more I wondered what really happened eight years
ago. She knew that it was exactly eight
years ago and asked how I was doing. We
talked for over three hours. Doing this
conversation I told her everything about me and that she was my female role
model in college. (She was the first person I ever told about my gender and it was while
we both were in college.)
I asked her why does this relationship work for us? She said, “we are both from opposite of the tracks and
…. You were always just nice to me.” I
was speechless since we had not talked in years and I had just walked away so
abruptly so to speak . When I got off
the phone I cried as hard as I have ever that I had hurt the one woman that
really loved me for me. I said out loud
to myself, “ my god what have I done???”
All my demons of self doubt had nearly destroyed my relationship with my
friend.
The next day we talked again and the following day with
talked for another hour. I started to
ask her about years ago…. She said, “don you were in your reality years ago…
but I can tell you are happy now.” This
may be true but how did I ever do this to you?
I have made peace with my actions and am resolved to ensure this never
happens again.
You would think this is the end of the story but not with
me. After reconnecting with my friend
Natalie after eight years I would need her just as much as I needed her when my
father died if not more. That following
Sunday, my mother passed and she was first one I called before calling my
daughter. This woman is of incredible
strength and character and has helped me through times that I hope no else has
to go through. (I had learned of the
death of my mother via the internet. Who
is to Blame? There is plenty of blame to go around from my family to me. The thing is my family and I did not talk and
funny thing our phones were working but I did not call and they did not call. I had written a letter to my mother making it
official I was Rachel Reid and left it up to my mother to call me. Everyone shares equally in the blame and six
months after her death nothing would have changed because we simply did not
talk. We both were wrong .)
Why tell this story?
Tells
a story that about how my family dealt with a transgendered woman in the
family
Time
of denial has ended and the family has to confront I am transgendered
woman
My
letter to my mother was passed to her priest ; she could not verbalize her
feelings but she could show my letter to the priest
How I
was able to turn the biggest crisis I have know in my life from a negative
to positive experience to the best of my ability
few in the family who love me as Donnie
love me as Rachel , no more no less
If you
did not like Donnie, you definitely had an excuse not to like rachel
My
perception of my family was there is no way they would accept me as female;
was right and wrong; everyone did not fit in to the “no” box
I
never gave them the chance to say no
I said
no for the entire family without talking to anyone
But
when communications between myself and family happened I was surprised of
the outcome….there were some that were put in a box by me that should have
not been….. that is all on me
How I
underestimated my mothers
capabilities and how she lead me
back home
my perception of my family could not have
been so wrong based on assumptions that were not based on communication
but on what I thought they could handle; perceptions
This
would test my support system and my ability to deal with stress at level I
never knew I could overcome, work through and give a speech about it in
less then three weeks later
Background
2004come out to mother
·she stated “it your father’s fault”
·Donnie, “
I have to walk the dog”
·We both never talked about it again; we agreed
to disagree ; this never works
January 2005
·Aunt confronts me at Grandmother’s funeral
viewing and I figured I will get in front of the issue and told a few I trusted
in the family I am a transgendered woman
·I blacked out that I told my cousin and aunt
that I was a transgendered woman
·90 percent of the family knew I knew I was
transgendered woman but this event traumatized me so much I did not recall
saying this
July-August
2011 Mother states am
dying and has know for one year and she says
Will fight it and never says another
word on the topic….
·Note I started hormones august 4, 2011
November 2011 I
write letter to mother
·I writing this letter so I can say what I need
to say
·I have transitioned to female and my new name is
Rachel and my gendered has been changed on my license
·I hope in time you can understand
·Here is my new phone number
·Signed Rachel
December 2011 Mom writes back
·I had two sons and daughter
·You were a Handsome baby boy and always will
·Come to my funeral as my son or not at all
·Love mom
(this is the last
communication I had with my mother and how sad for us both)
January 22, 2012 Sunday
looked
at altoona
mirror, local newspaper online, and her picture was on it in the death
notices and she had died Friday
(I thought I was prepared and I could
have not been more wrong … I was crying uncontrollably …. It was so
surreal )
I
leaned on Natalie and gained my composure to some extent
Then
called my daughter natalie
Told
my daughter of the viewing arrangement are set for that Tuesday
She
says I will go as I promised for both of us
Since
I never talked to my family they did not know I was going to stay away
from my mother’s funeral out of respect for the celebration of her life; I
did not want everyone in the family to remember her funeral as when “
Rachel” came home;
(do I regret this… honestly I am not
sure but what is done is done)
Monday
My
brother calls that Monday and states:
Hi
how are you …. I say good
Mom
died
I
know I saw it online
I
will not be able to attend
Ah
right
( we had not talked
in probably 10 years ….. both to blame again)
Tuesday
My daughter
goes to viewing and meets my one aunt
The aunt Helps my daughter through her emotions and …. I
just was so hurt by my brother waited until 3 days later to call me …..
Wednesday
Then I call my aunt to thank her for taking care of my
daughter while she was at the funeral home
My
perception of my mother is about to take a turn that I did not expect ;
nor ever dream she was capable of
Aunt
tells me in her last days my mom said… I keep calling Donnie but he will
not pick up the phone….I asked aunt how many times? aunt says I don’t know
I
thinking why did no one call me
(like I said earlier
plenty of blame to put on all including me…. Anyone in the family could have
called and after writing the letter I could have called and that part is on me)
My
mother sought the counselor of the priest …..about me
Mother
says I have talked to the father(the priest) ….. after talking to him my
mother states to aunt and uncle I need to tell you something about
Donnie. But my mother never says
another word about what it is?
I
believe my mother cracked the door so I could tell my aunt about me
I asked
my aunt you know what is …. I am transgendered woman
She
says I know
I
said “how hell you know that”
You
told me at your grandmother funeral… I did not even remember this… you
told your cousin too… basically 90 percent of family knew since 04-05 but my
letter to my mother made it official and before then we all could pretend
there was not a problem….like many families I am sure
I thought my mother did not love
me…she loved me enough to seek the
counsel of a priest and that lead aunt to me… my mother knew who I would reach
out to if anyone in the family and she was so right
I got home … My mother wanted to
make sure someone looked after me after she died … my aunt …we email each other
now and talk for hours……
(sadly this aunt died in April 2012; she lived long enough to give me
enough closure with my mother’s death)
Perception…I reached out to the priest that last talked to my mother….The
priest said your mother did not approve of your “lifestyle choice” but please
understand she did love you very much
There was only one person in the world that could bring
me home in my heart and she was the incredible woman that brought me into this
world… and in her dying days she reached out to a priest …. Then my aunt….. then she brought me home…… no gift was ever so
great to me from my mother
She changed my perception of her and the idea she did love
me
I am more committed than ever to helping other veterans like
myself so that perceptions are not misinterpreted which are based on zero communication with family or friends……
this was a painful lesson …. I seek to help other so they don’t have to learn
the way I did…….
(this is transsexual
issue, veteran issue and societal issue and so many lessons learned in such a
time of crisis and there were a lot of good things I learned when my mother
died but it is ashamed she had to die for me to understand she loved me.)
