the horror of hormones, srs and thailand bound

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In my first blog I promised my blog would be very, very honest however until now I have sugar coated the real effects of hormone replace therapy (HRT).  It will be exactly 16 months on December 4, 2012 since I initialized HRT.  I can honesty state, without exception, that this experience has tested my heart and soul like nothing else in my life.  It has compelled me to confront every demon I have ever had in my life ranging from five years old to fifty years old.  Many within my close network know that I have said many times I hold on by a thread.  I mean this statement with every fiber of my body.

The fact is that every day is harder than the last.  I am at the point that I would never want to go back but going forward challenges, not a word strong enough, my heart and soul to the very limits and nearly breaks me.  I hold on by a thread and sometimes I use self talk therapy to work through the depression and yet other times I reach out to one of three women for help.  I also seem to know my threshold of when I need to reach out to one of them.  I have been blessed by each one of them.  The following day after working through this seemingly impossible situation and issue I feel stronger than the day before.  Yet the next time I get depressed it presses me even harder than the previous situation and still I find a way to cope and move forward.  As the blonde has told me I always find a way to get things done but this has taken every fiber of my body to hold on for my life.  I also know in my heart I have become one of the strongest women I have ever known via HRT.  I did not know a woman lived just underneath the surface of someone that pretended to be a man for nearly 50 years.

Now let me take you deep into just how bad it becomes and how hard I am tested day in and day out on hormones.  Yesterday I was waiting for my bus to work and I had to walk away from the bus stop where others were sitting because I knew I had to cry and talk myself through this issue.  I knew I had to work through this to make it through work.  Does this therapy work for me? You can be the judge I had more sales than any other day since I started over two months ago.  I think I am a lot smarter than I want to acknowledge opening.  The issue that is tearing at my heart and soul that I cannot hide any longer since I started Hormones is I not only need sexual reassignment surgery but it has become essential to my very survival as a human being.  The truth is that there is not a day that goes by now that I don’t cry at least once that I am not quite a woman; almost a woman.  No one could ever completely understand what it does to me unless you were in my shoes.  It like having cancer one can be compassionate but until you walk in my shoes, which you can’t, only then could you feel the deep unrelenting pain I feel every minute of my life today.

Now back to the bus stop.  I said to myself I cannot live like this much longer I have to find a way to surgically have my penis removed.  You would have to understand that every time I cross my legs I can feel something between my legs that is not suppose to be there nor should it even been there.  I honestly think why did God do this to me?  The pain takes a grip of my heart and soul and the pain cuts me so deep the pain is imaginable.   I thought at that moment at the bus stop I cannot cut the damn thing off but I cannot have surgery.  After crying, crying and crying some more and barely holding I made the decision I told others I would not do…. I am going to go to
Thailand to get my surgery. 

Yesterday I tried to visualize what was between my legs and for the first time I honestly thought it was a vagina knowing consciously it is a penis.  What am I to do?  I cry and cry and there seems to be no solution.  I am holding on by a thread about this issue, more than an issue to me,  for the last year which reared its’ ugly head in month two of HRT.  Otherwise it was lying just below the surface waiting and waiting and came to the surface with a force unspoken of after only one month of HRT. 

I don’t know how much longer I can hold on living without having my penis removed.  If I did not take action and set up an account and put a plan in place and set a target date of surgery yesterday I could have been a casualty like so many others in the transgendered community.  What am I speaking of ?  Suicide or cutting the penis off would have been a solution yesterday.  But, neither suicide nor cutting the penis is a long term solution and would represent quitting and it is not in my DNA.  I did not come this far to turn back and quit after fifty years.  I will succeed where others have failed before “ persistence overcomes resistance.  My real ace in my pocket is my natural born sales ability and drive.  Persistence overcomes resistance is what I learned in my sales career.

Thus, I have put up a board titled Rachel goes to Thailand.  I have dollar amounts in the thousand dollars and once I hit 12 thousand I will have what I need and have needed for all of my life.  The way insurance is set up and the regulation that are put in place it would take me years to jump through the loops.  I don’t have years and years but what I do have is the ability and drive to sale more products to reach my goal sexual reassignment.  My goal date, to some may seem impossible, is January 2014. 

Zig ziglar and Henry Ford said, “if you think you can or can’t you are probably right.”  I believe I can and I am preparing and planning and will reach this goal. It represents the very essence of my life.  I will not fail. 

Just may be now I can admit publicly that the Marines had an impact that goes far beyond anything I ever could imagine until now.  To a Marine to quit is criminal and unthinkable and perhaps I am more a marine that I every thought and when others say it cannot be done we find a way to accomplish the mission.  As the great Chester Puller said, " you can hurt me but you cannot stop me."  I have been hurt, beaten down emotionally by society and do not have the anger others have and focused on the goal of becoming the best woman I can be and lead in my pursuit of this goal.

Some have told me I need to have thicker skin because I am so emotional and cry when I get hurt but to do that would change who I am and I changed for society due to my gender.  I will not change who I am at any level for anyone.  I know I get hurt easy and I am very sensitive woman and I will stay that way and men and women will get to know the real me...... the heart of rachel

Thank you again,

Rach

Ps I will spell check this later on the way to work but needed to post this important post