Sunday, November 4, 2012

rachel's heart

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How can I write about something that I have had all of my life?  In my younger years teachers, boys and girls seemed to trust me without giving it a thought.   When I was in the Marines one day my Gunny said, “If I cannot trust you who can I trust?”  At the time I gave it no further thought.  I also knew that when I was in sales that customers would trust me and take my word at what I was saying.  I wondered why do perfect strangers trust me?  I had no idea why and not even a clue. 

A few times in high school I remember kids told me I wear my heart of my sleeve. (Remember so much with estrogen)  I certainly had no idea what that meant at that time.  Then in college the blonde told me that “you have a heart of gold.”  I brushed that off as her just being kind to me.  There was something intangible about me others saw in me that I could not even begin to understand.  What was it?  I just thought it was me being me.  That is exactly what I said when others told me I had a heart of gold. Again and again I would brush off comments like that for decades.

When I spoke last February in public on the heels of my Mother’s death I had a carefully prepared speech which never got told.  Instead I spoke from my heart and it flowed easily like I had been practicing the speech for months.  However, it literally was all impromptu and never rehearsed.  I just told my story or I thought I was just telling my story of my life and experiences on hormones.

 In October I spoke again in front of about one hundred men and women and again the same thing happened.  I had a planned speech but instead of using my notes I just spoke from my heart.  By then I began to realize that I was not giving speeches but speaking from my heart and soul about my more than my life experiences.  I just could not piece it all together quite yet. 

It would take two events for me to see the light, literally.  People could see something special about me I could not see because I have had it all along.  First, a new friend of mine sent me a very touching email which touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes.  I could not stop crying, “… help people Rachel, we all have been gifts….”  Still I was in denial that there was anything special about me or at least that what I told myself.

Thus, again my daughter would enlighten me in an old Christmas card.  It had been hanging on my apartment wall for months.  When I opened it I realized that I had given my daughter as much as any parent could give a child….. my heart.   The card said, “ I love you from the bottom of my heart…”  I had written those almost exact words in two separate emails to close friends in helping me in my journey on hormones.  My exact words were from the bottom of my heart thank you.  I meant it just as much as my ten year old daughter did to me in that Christmas card.

So you see when I speak it is not a speech but I open up my heart and soul to the men and women in the audience.  I thought I was telling a story about my experiences on hormones but in reality I was offering my gift of opening up my heart.  My power is in my passion and ability to share and open my heart and soul to others.  This in turn helps me heal and helps other heal.  The more I speak the more I heal. I am not a transgendered woman speaking but woman opening up my heart to everyone so I can heal.

What started out on Aug 4, 2011 as a journey to womanhood has turned out to be a healing of my heart and soul of myself and all I come in contact with.  I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for helping me in my journey.






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