I wanted to go forward and begin to talk about my thought
processes and how my memory has improved dramatically while on estrogen. However, when I was editing my speech from the
Regional Conference last week it brought to the surface just how deep the wounds are revolving around
my mother’s death. It took me the better part of two days to push my way
through editing this speech because I most definitely have not gotten past
it like I thought I had before I did the editing.
I thought enough time had past and I could edit it with a
few tears. Again, I was wrong because I
cried and cried, at times uncontrollably, as I edited the speech and at times I had to stop and come back to it. I was able to push through the editing because
it helped me heal and I believe in what I am doing by making the speech public. I also have no idea
how I was able to bring myself to rewrite the speech to include my mother’s death and
present it in front of the VA region in February.
It must have been the fact that privately I dedicated my speech to my mother
that had just passed away.
So, tonight I will lighten things up a bit and try to inject
some humor into my blog at my own expense.
For years members of my family, friends and many others even
strangers in doctor’s office and other public places have said after I sneeze ,
“god bless you.” That usually elicited a
unique “grin” mixed with a bashful smile from me.
Then I would reply, “thank you.” I have always left it at that and
smiled some more with no one paying any attention to my nonverbal expressions.
If they only knew why I was sneezing many would not say, “God
bless you.” As a woman said once to my
daughter and I, “I could tell you both beat a drum to a different beat". We all have our quirks that makes us very
unique and this one is mine.
Half the time I sneeze it is due to a chill I get but the
other half as nothing to do with the environment what so ever. As I work up to what I want to say in this blog….this Reminds
of the time when I was trying to ask for a special request that was out of the box
and wondered what the women would think of my request?. Back to my blog now, I also was thinking oh that is right I have
emailed my blog link to friends, associates and every one I know in Portland and beyond. Wow I
wonder what everyone will think of this and then I thought they will understand
it is just how Rachel is and we know she is so transparent and wears her heart of her sleeve. I often get this comment because of my transparency, peopel say "I have never met anyone like you." This gets a laugh out of me. I just am thinking I am me.
Now, the other half of the time when I sneeze it is a because my mind has wondered to thinking about women. That right I am a lesbian and my mind could drift to thinking of very sexual hot woman which comes from a fantasy in my thoughts or someone I have seen recently that I was attracted to at the mall.
What am I thinking about these women? wow I love to be with her and have her kiss me so softly as we hold each other, perhaps I love her to caress my face ever so softly, caress up my arm with her long nails, or come behind me and push my hair to the side and kiss the back of my neck. Sorry to the anyone that is thinking it is about physical sex because that is not how I am wired. I will take a soft wet kiss over sex any day of the week. I have been like this since I can remember and I have traced it back to kissing a girl when I was 21.
The dead give away when I sneeze that it is about a woman is when I cannot stop sneezing and there is that grin mixed with a ever so slight blush. But who would know the difference? Until now no one because it was my little secret I kept to myself. The difference now is that a lot of people will know my little secret but we all have secrets. But now you know one of mine and it is something that is unique to Rachel.
I think by sharing some very private things about myself that it will open up deep conversations well beyond my gender and there is more to me than my gender. I have said in the past that " my gender is important to me but not the totality of me." We all have very complex personalities and a unique set of characteristics.
Which get back to my question in one of my first blogs do you really know a transsexual woman? I hope after you read more of my blogs that you will know at least one and that is me.
What is unique about you?
thank you
Rachel
ps I will dive into my memories and the powerful effects of estrogen and memory this week. I think I have healed enough to move on past the pain of last week and move on to revealing my private memories which estrogen has brought to the surface.
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