Please read this and take into consideration this was
written at 5 am and I felt like I needed to put this on paper so I did not
forget this important information. There
are plenty of grammar and spelling errors but the message is very, very
important.
(I brought the information and tools with me that I needed
from the past but reflecting on the past over and over has no value because the
missing piece of the puzzle does not exist.
I am speaking of I wanted to feel like what is was like and feel as a girl
and teenager and beyond. I cannot
recreate something that never happened.
I also wanted to resolve what I felt as a child as a girl and when it
happened. The answer is that I was born
with a female brain and anatomically male parts. I was trying to resolve something that cannot
be resolved and it does not matter. What
matters are that I brought the people and tools I needed from the past to live
my life as woman. ( one day the blonde
said to me we take things from the people we need in our journey of life. She is the one I needed to bring with me to
help me on my journey in living as a woman.
The estrogen experience is 99 percent mental and the physical part of
the estrogen is so small compared the mental aspect.)
Last night I had a major break in solving a major part of
puzzle that my brain has worked on for the last three months. At about month nine the estrogen started to
really kick in and my memories of the past began to become so clear to the
point that I felt like I was not reflecting on the past but actually there
because of the clarity of the memory.
I have explained this experience on estrogen as if many
people see the past in a prism and it is a black and white prism. Whereas I can create a prism in the past in
color and if I concentrate my prism, while on estrogen, has been restored to
the point if I can put my self there and see things I find can be quit
dangerous. I felt it could be dangerous
because I was so drawn to this experience that it would become an
obsession. I found that at times I was
so drawn into the past in trying to resolve why I was the way I am that may be
I will not be able to return to the present.
This experience is that strong and the memories are that powerful and for
that reason I believe it is very dangerous and while on estrogen you have to be
ever so careful when reflecting in the past.
How strong and powerful are the memories? For example, I can put myself in the chair I
sat in when I was in Mrs. Neal’s first grade class. I can remember with great clarity the boy
next to me Tim and, if I concentrate, I can look into my crayon box and see
what colors on in it. Then I remember
that my favorite color was silver and how crayon was so worn down. Furthermore, I can visualize picking the
crayon up and put it in my hand and that is where I stop. Fortunately I realize that no one should have
power to remember the past with such clarity and at this point it is an
obsession and wonder if I as I go deeper and deeper into this memory it could
become very dangerous.
In my research of estrogen I came upon several articles that
explained that estrogen is used in stroke victims to help restore their
memory. So given my experience on
estrogen my feeling is that if it can help stroke victims restore their memory it
can be a very powerful drug that an increase a undamaged brain with memories
that is unspoken of in any research or study or blog.
Also in my research estrogen has been found to increase your
memory and in doing this the estrogen uses the new memory to develop a new way
of learning and in my case I believe a more efficient way to learn. I concluded early in my estrogen treatment
that I was “thinking differently’ and because of it I was able to resolve
issues that I could not have resolved in the past nearly 50 years. For example, I struggled with my weight all
of my life. In the second week I began
to work out and I was able to draw out of my memory exercises and mix the right
exercises from my aerobics classes,
martial arts classes, physical training in the marines, or anything I
had learned in books over the years on diet and physical fitness. In all honesty, I lost most of the 100 lbs
in just 5 months because I was able to mix the right diet and exercise because
my brain now was like a finely oiled machine and on a mission. Where there was
nothing that was going to stop me from becoming the woman of my dreams.
I believed this new ability to put all this information
together to loss the weight is because of the estrogen. I had resolved a major issue which had eluded
me for nearly 30 years and it was because of the estrogen treatment.
More tonight time to work out
No comments:
Post a Comment