This includes the casual wink by the lesbian couple, women on the max or bus, ladies that help me with make up at Norstrom's, my close friends , the blonde, my mother, my daughter, and the VA from the ladies at the check in to the nurses, doctors, the regional office, the advocate office and all that helped me over my life time that have helped give me the strength to speak. There are hundreds of you and my sincere appreciation comes from the bottom of my heart and thank you.
All of you have done your part in my life and made my life so much better for it. Now I will do my part and open my heart of soul to the public and I hope that it will help others as you all have helped me.
again thank you,
Rachel
Now here is my speech from the regional conference and please take away the totality of the message and remember that I wrote this speech on the heels of one of biggest crisis in my adult life and thus there are typos and much more. The message is what is important. I risk much in revealing so much but much is to be gained. The benefits out weight the risk from my prospective.
The last and most important part of my speech is in outline form because I could not bring myself to write it up due to the trauma it created.
Lastly, this written speech is merely the content not the order in which it was presented at the conference.
My power is in passion and my ability to speak from my heart and this probably is the key reason I was invited to speak. Like the blonde says " I have a heart of gold."
Good Afternoon everyone!
First, I would like to thank everyone for coming and for
allowing me to share my story with you.
I am very honored and humbled to be such a position and I also realize
that with out a lot of help ….This opportunity would not be possible.
To me, this entire process has been so surreal and opened my
eyes to how much the VA has changed over the years and how the outreach to the
transgendered community has evolved. I
would like to thank Director Francoise and Director Jones for the opportunity
to speak with you today which demonstrates to me that the VA is sincere and
truly interested in hearing a voice of the Transgendered Community.
I would like to thank my Endocrinologist, who has
initialized my hormone treatment and who has coordinated my treatment with Dr.
Simon, my pcp, to ensure that I am
provided with hormones in the very better manner. I also would like to thank the Portland VA
Director and the chief of Staff of Portland VA, and the entire staff of the
Portland VA Hospital for the excellent quality of care I have received at the
hospital.
I want to digress for a minute and say that, not only the
care has been superb, but many of the staff have gone out of there way to make
me feel at home while at in the Portland
Hospital
First, I also would like to take the time to thank the
entire staff at Portland East Clinic, especially Dr. Simon and her staff, who
created an atmosphere of trust with me from my first appointment at the Clinic.
This atmosphere of trust was critical in
my care as it has allowed me to have open and honest discussions about the
sensitive issues surrounding my unique needs as a transgendered woman for
example: When should I get my first mammogram?
Dr. Simon response was, “ … that is a good question rachel, let me find
out and get back to you.” I valued her
response because she did not know but was willing to research the question and
get back to me with the answer. She has
taken the extra time in the past to allow me to ask questions and I also had
complete answers before she ended the appointment. This extra time demonstrated to me that she
truly cares and she will take the time needed to gather the additional
information to make the best possible decision in providing excellent health to
me. The relationship I have with Dr.
Simon was so important in making me feel like I was part of the VA community
and at the same time it also increased my trust in, not just her, but the
entire VA hospital.
When I was informed that I was entitled to services at
Women’s Health Care Center; “I responded, “I am very confident in Dr. Simon
abilities and have developed an excellent relationship with her and prefer to
keep her as my Primary Care doctor. (since then Dr. Simon has moved out of the
VA system and I have moved to women’s health care for my medical needs.)
I would like to start by saying that …….. I am not an expert
on transgendered issues nor speak for the community but I will offer some of my
personal experiences from my prospective and perception. Everyone in the transgendered community has a
very unique experience. But I do believe that there are many parallels with my
story and other transsexuals and by sharing my story that it will open a window
into what it is like to be a transgendered woman. There are very unique challenges in a
transgendered woman’s life and I will offer some perspective from my
experiences.
I believe by sharing my story it will not only open a window
or door into the transgendered veteran community but could open the door for
further communication and understanding well beyond this meeting. I also think I will learn a great deal from
the questions you ask. It will give me
an idea of what the perspective and perception is of the transgendered
community.
For example, I was actually enlightened by my daughter that
my prospective of hormones and her prospective of hormones is quite
different. Specifically, from her point
of view, she sees hormones as in her words, “…daddy it is like plastic
surgery.” From my prospective, hormones
are medication that are medically necessary as any medication would be for
treatment.
After my daughter and I discussed hormones, there was a
pause in the conversation and she stated, “Daddy, I am really trying to
understand.” I said, “I understand where
you are coming from now.”
I honestly believe this type of conversation
between the staff of the VA and the transgender community would benefit the VA
community as whole.
How did I get to opportunity to speak with you today?
When I met with director Francoise back in December and I
shared my story with her and just how much progress I had made in such a short
time with my hormone treatment provided by the Portland VA.
I credited the
hormones and environment as the last two critical pieces of the puzzles to
resolve issues that I was unable and unwilling to revolve in the last 30 years.
I also believed that the supportive Portland
I requested to share my story with other Doctors and staff
because I believed I could make a difference and by doing this it would help
other Transgendered Veterans. (in all
honesty I realized few had the good fortune to meet with the senior leadership
of the VA and clarification on my specific issue was minor compared to my
larger goal of establishing a long term relationship where I could talk to the
people who implement policy. )
Today, I will give you an unedited and true account of my
experiences while on estrogen. At the time I started the hormone replace
therapy, I had no idea how critical the timing was in my life and on January
22, 2012 it would become so apparent why I needed the estrogen treatment
starting on August 4, 2011 and not a day or month later. I would be in the middle of family crisis
surrounding my gender identification. This crisis would change my life in such
a profound way and I could have regretted not transitioning with the assistance
of estrogen. It was literally a life changing experience which I will talk
about later. I am saying time was not on
my side and there was a sense of urgency that I was unaware of at this time.
I have done over thousands of hours of research on sites like
National Institute of Health and the WPATH(Benjamin Harry Standards), asking
questions to doctors, and talked to
other transgendered women on line and truly I understand what the physical implications of what estrogen does
and does not do to your body. However, I have yet to read one article on
the possible mental health transformation which I have experienced over the
last six months. The mental health transformation has been so profound that I
can state, without a doubt, that the transformation with the estrogen was 10
percent physical and 90 percent mentally. (at
this time I thought I knew what to expect but given how much I went through in
the 6 months since my speech … I had not a clue….another change in perceptive)
It is my intension to
reveal much of my thought processes and how I was able to overcome the
challenges. I know this is a bold and
racial new approach but I really don’t see how the current situation is
satisfactory to the doctors or the transgender community where there is this
wall of secrecy.
I truly understand I am literally opening Pandora’s box into
the mind of a transgendered woman. I
accept the risk involved and have been assured by director Francoise that what I am about to disclose
will be kept in strictest of confidence within the VA Medical System. I trust her and I will trust everyone will
respect my information and privacy with my family and my friends because I will
give their real first names. (my trust
was well placed and do not regret this to this day)
I going to start with my childhood and describe what is was
like to live in my household while pretending to be a boy. I will explain why I say “pretending to be a
boy” later but this is how I view myself at this point in my life. My family consisted of my father, mother,
younger brother and younger sister.
At this time, I thought we were your average family living
in Middle America in rural central Pennsylvania Pennsylvania America
From an early age I would softly challenge the rules and
social norms. It was more than a gender
issue and rooted much deeper that I knew about at the time.
For example:
I put my arms on the kitchen table and my mother said,
“Donald take your arms off the table.” I responded but the French put their
arms on the table and quickly she said, “we are not French…”
There was more than a rebellious kid underneath my skin and the
female was about to pop her head out for a quick peek and I am sure my mother
would never forget it.
My mother was painting the bedrooms and she had already
painted my sisters pink. She said, “what
color do you want your room?” I said, “the same color as my sister’s.” She said boys cannot have pink. So then she suggested the color blue. So the
both of us looked at different colors of blue on the paint chart and I found
that the baby blue was my second pick. My mother then said what about this
darker blue… I said no baby blue. So,
for nearly forty plus years I assumed my favorite color was blue and not
pink. This is the first time I can
remember I compromised myself and this compromising would be a critical issue that
I would regret.(according to many
research articles estrogen “rewires the brain” which started at week two for me. The estrogen works on the neurons of the
brain and elongates and thickens the dendrites and creates more efficient and
stronger connections between the neurons in the brain. This in turn improves your memory and your
ability to learn is improved. I did not
know this at the conference but it has become very clear to me over the one
year on estrogen. This could sounds like a gift but can be a mixed blessing
which I will discuss in a later blog)
Then, hint number two to my
mother came when I wanted to play the violin since my father had sit us
kids down and I had heard Beethoven 9th symphony. I fell in love with the sound of the
violin. I wanted badly to play the
violin however again boys don’t play the violin. So I ended up playing piano, then drums and
played trombone for seven years. Again,
I compromised and settled for second best and this will become very important
to me when I decided to stop pretending
to be a male. (once I compromised my
most basic self , my gender, I had to think what is one more compromise and
then another and then another??)
I was starting to understand that something might be
different about me from an earlier age but at the time I had no idea what was
going on. I do remember one day, like it
was yesterday, my dad and brother were cutting a piece of wood with a saw in
the carport and I was not very good at it.
So, I decided to go in and see if I could help my mother cook because
for some reason I felt like I wanted to cook.
So, I went into the house and asked to help her cook. She said, “No go out with your father.” Looking back, I felt like I did not belong. I am sure by this time I was feeling very
alone and not sure what was going on or where I belonged. (I do
remember trying to fish at a family picnic and the short of it is I forgot to
hold onto the fishing rod and the rod went flying in the lake. As my friend says I cannot make this up. The male thing was not there all of my life
but I pretended like so many of us do to fit in and not raise “eye brows”)
Fast forward to sixteen years old, this could have happened
at earlier age I am not sure, But, at
sixteen when I am working and able to leave the house I was a local five and
dime( like the dollar store today), and I located a pair of sexy red thongs. I want them but I live in small town and
everyone knows everyone so buying them is out of question. So, I make the
choice to purchase them but I know if I am discovered their will be dire
consequences for me at home. I am not talking
about privileges taken away like the car or ability to go to dances but the
corporal punishment from my father. You
have to realize I came from a very strict catholic family where you don’t ask
why except for me. My mother’s response
was, “because I told you Donald.”
(Corporal punishment
was the norm in the 70’s at home and used in the schools. At the local public high
school whose parents were doctors and lawyers and parents like mine; we had a
staff member whose job was to spank and keep all the kids in line and carried a
large paddle around the high school. I
keep a very, very low profile since the times were very different than today. )
So, getting caught with women’s panties would … there are no
words to describe the humiliation and punishment I would receive not only from my
family but other member of the community.
But honestly, it was something I needed and the benefit out weighted the
risk in this sixteen year’s old mind. So, I purchased a few thongs and thank god I
never got caught. I had no idea what was going on in my head but I knew I had
to keep it secret.
I held everything
inside that was feminine because I knew of the consequences if my secret ever
got out. It was a prison camp to me
without any possibility of parole so I did the most logical think I could or I
thought I could from the mindset of a 17 year old. I joined the marines via my friend in
band. One day my friend asked me, “hey
Donnie why don’t you join the Marines?”
That question demand at least 3 seconds of thought processing power to
say, “yes.” I thought freedom at last and the recruiter told me college money
and travel the world. I heard what I
wanted to hear. (on many occasions my
mother would say “think Donald”…. I should have thought that one through but I
was 17)
Now let’s skip forward to 2011.
I started on hormones on August 4, 2011 and weighted in at
291 lbs. Within two weeks, the estrogen
had suppressed my appetite to the point I started to lose weight. I no longer had to worry about over eating
and thought to myself what if I started to walk? So, I started to walk a few
blocks and before I knew it I was walking a few days a week.
Within the first month I must have lost twenty lbs. I really wondered how is this possible? Then I read an article on NIH website that
stated that Estradiol was known to speed up your metabolism. (national
institute of health; also told me of the danger of estrogen in rare instances
is anorectic state of mind and I thought what the hell have I got myself
into? This was no joke and HRT is serious
business. So, If you going to go on
hormones and think this is an experiment please turn back now. The consequences if you are not under the
care of therapist and doctor are can be deadly.
My personal
opinion is that I don’t care what the WPATH Standards ( formerly Harry Benjamin standards) which
state that you either need 3 months of therapy or three months of “real life
experience” they are wrong. I know
something about this and please ask yourself a question: Why do you think so many don’t make it or don’t
talk about this in public? There are very good reasons for it and I will
share in further blogs but for now be smart and get a good therapist, a doctor
with experience in HRT and someone that will support you that you can call on
24/7 . It has happened to me and will happen to others and you will need this
support person to call because hrt will test you like nothing in your life has
ever tested you. )
By the third month, I was down thirty lbs or so and had
mixed jogging and walking in with my workout.
But what perplexed me is that I have serious Rheumatoid Arthritis and had
broken both my ankles in the marines and also I had my left knee scoped. This progress did not make any sense. How was this possible? I did not know but I kept riding the
improbable wave. By December 1, 2011, I
was running up to VA Hospital and back down the hill non- stop in a time of
1:30 minutes and weighted 210 lbs.
I now run the same six miles in 1:08 hours two -three times
a week and lift weights twice a week and my weight is 188 lbs. Let me put this in to prospective; in six months I have gone from 292 lbs to 188
lbs and, that not the half of it, I can
do splits that I have not done since I was 19 yrs old and have strength to go
along with it. What happened to the
arthritis and what really happened inside was key to my overnight success. Everyone could see the physically changes but
that paled in comparison to what happened mentally.(no mystery to me now and the answer is partially that the spirolatane
reduced my arthritis inflammation as the estrogen “rewired my brain.” But how
it all came together in six months is the mystery and with over 100 lbs that
came off I have no excess skin )
This is the major reason I have decided to come out and
speak. My experience is so unique or is
it? I researched so much on hormones for
years and no article or medical doctor or transgender has ever spoken of what I
have experienced. The transformation
came from within and at a rate that is unspoken of to the best of my knowledge. I truly understand the concern of doctors and
prescribing hormones now from a point of view I did not have before. If I did not have thirty years of preparing
for this journey in the last six months I would be in serious trouble.
I had to use every skill set I ever learned in my life. This
included:
- Marine corps training for physical endurance
- Aerobics
- Two ½ years of Dialectal behavior Therapy Classes
- Zig Ziglar and positive mental attitude
- If you think you can or can’t you probably right
- FEAR; false evidence appearing real
- Strive for progress not perfection
- …who you become in achieving your goals is so important
·
Life experiences and that includes raising my
daughter for 18 years
My positive attitude was another key piece of the puzzle. There were so many pieces of the puzzle but
attitude was very important and my willingness to share my story was another
asset which many do not have. My sales
career had played another important role because I was used to talking to
people. I love to talk and it was
another gift that was needed in my “transition.” I have learned to blend what I need from the
past to the present and this is and was a serious challenge but I found a way.
I also found out that the running is what grounded me and this
established a goal each day where I started to feel good about “new” self. At first when I started to run I was very
angry and began to understand that I was using anger all my life when I ran to
compensate for the pain. This pain was associated with my joints and this had
existed since I was at least 19 yrs old.
I started to learn
and acknowledge the fact this was not what I was about and then change slowly
occurred. But slowly was measured in
weeks, not months or years, I was searching in my mind for what is going
on? I intuitive knew the way I was
thinking was dramatically changing and fast.
I was, at times, struggling to keep on the pace with my quick mental
transition and it literally took every skill I learned in my life.
But also, I realized I had merged the beliefs of Zig Ziglar
positive mental attitude and DBT.(Dialectal
behavior therapy) To such a
point, I began to perform to my
potential and reflected while in the act for example, I had started to run 8
miles and it was draining me to point I could not do anything else that
day. Then one day, I was running and I
asked myself: “why am I running 8
miles? What is the real Goal? Is it to
run 13k run or become slender and sexy woman? “I quickly realized on the run
that my goal was to become slender and sexy and a piece of paper on my wall
with certificate I had run 13k would mean nothing to me. I then realized something special had
happened for the first time in my life.
What was going on in my mind? What had dramatically changed that I was
able to put everything together in months where I had failed for nearly 50 yrs?
For months I refused to believe it could be my gender and it
was that simplistic. I had compromised
my morals to compensate and protect the woman within so she was safe. But in doing so, I had caused a conflict
between right and wrong and what was one more value compromised since I was not
being true to myself as a woman. (I compromised my basic value of my gender
and there was a cascade effect all aspects of my life)
But once I was being true to myself as a woman I no longer
needed vices such as pornography, cybering or overeating. This is the only way I could logically see
where all the vices I had used were not needed anymore. Not only where they not needed I found them
repulsive and thought how did I sink so low in my life? A life experience was about to bare how
vulnerable I had become , and in a painful way, that I had changed and it would
push my emotions to the edge. This
experience pushed me so hard and I never saw it coming.
I had been applying for work on line and had very little
success so I decided what hell, almost jokingly, I will apply on line at this
adult store. Because before the estrogen
and the changing internally it was part of my life and I frequented adult
businesses. So I thought I might enjoy
working around pornography. I went in
for the interview and doing the interview the guy asked me, “what kind of toys
and devices do you use that are in our store?
I responded “I have…then refused to give any details and I was in shock
he even ask that question. I left the
interview and went home thinking that guy was a “pig” for asking me that
question but figured what the hell.
I was in a lot worse
shape then I thought and immediately entering my apartment I started to cry and
could not stop. I said out loud, “how low
have I sank? I cannot do this and it is not me……many women like me cross this
line but I cannot. I reached out to a
friend, joy, I confided in her and I told her I have sunk so low and cannot
believe it. I cried uncontrollably and
cried and cried ….. I could not stop crying.
I was pushed so hard that I thought I was about to mentally break but
somehow I was able to talk to joy and calm down after about 20 minutes. Then,
after I got off the phone I was so mentally and physically exhausted that I
collapsed on my bed and went to sleep. (This is why you need the proper support on
HRT and if you think you can handle it on your own? You are wrong. I thought I had read everything there is to
read over a 30 yr period, the key word thought, I knew what I was getting
myself into but I was wrong. As the
smart ass blonde ,Natalie, told me one day Welcome to Womanhood.)
A few days later, I realized that something special had
happened but was not sure how to label it or how I would cope with it in the
future. Although at the time, I
understood that the crying was not only a release but a way my mind and body
was deal with difficult issues and I perceived crying as positive. (How often do similar events happen? It all depends on the mood of estrogen and it
could be days in between or hours or minutes.
You simply have no warning at all.
Fight it and I can almost guarantee it will do you in so, again, if HRT
is an experiment I would opt out now. I thought marine boot camp was hard my
perception of that is different now.)
There is another powerful example but before I tell you
about it. Let me say again, I had to
deal with every possible demon and emotion that was just below the surface and
this example was so powerful and I am glad I had the resources I did or the
door could have swung the other way. (The
other way can be defined as drug, alcohol or worse suicide. I will not sugarcoat the situation and all
that is good about estrogen can go that other way without the support network
which includes doctors, therapist, and the friend that on call 24/7.)
I had come to realize that my brain had
been rewired to the way it was suppose to be and I literally feel like I have
been reborn and for the first time in my life really feel alive. Then, I acknowledged that what was between my
legs did not match the brain. The breast
growth was to me very satisfactory but what is the penis doing there and as I
lost weight it became a major issue. However
one day it reached a crescendo I was in my apartment and begun to cry
again. This time I was looking between
my legs and could not believe how God or natural selection had done something
so wrong. I could not stop crying and
lying on my bed I had a thought “what if I was to cut it off?” Almost immediately my logical part of my
brain said, “what would that solve?”
Then, I thought what am I going to do? …. Crying some more…… Again I
called joy and she helped me thought this heart wrenching time again. The personal growth that was occurring was
dramatically fast and took so much out of me but it really was worth it. Why? Because I was crying and letting my true
emotions out there was no more depression or anxiety. The clinical depression that had plagued me
for decades was gone and in six short months. (fyi I used the exact language at the regional conference…the content
of my speech was mine and mine alone)
Just when I thought I
had it all figured out … actually I had put everything in nice box … exactly
what I ask others not to do with me. Of
all people, my daughter would point me in a direction that would unleash a
powerful force from the past that would explain so much of my life. This person I had not spoken to in years.
First let me explain that I raised my daughter from the age
of 5-18. So, I got my dream of sorts to be a mother less the child bearing
however I had developed severe Arthritis by 1997. It took nearly two years of physical therapy
three times a week and twice a week injections of enbrel. This was a true test of character and my will
to survive and make sure my daughter had a role model in her life.
My daughter was five when I developed this horrible disease
and I looked at her face and I remember how I was deeply hurt that her
childhood ended at five because she had to take care of me. I was determined to do what it took to get
better. How bad was my arthritis? I asked my doctor who treated me that exact
question and without hesitation he said, “out of ten , nine were better than
you.”
I had always made
sure my daughter knew she was important and I was positive role model. I knew my daughter, Natalie, was very smart
from an early age as I struggled to keep up in elementary school explaining the
concept of the big bang theory. I did
not struggle per say but was trying to mentally cope with how smart my daughter
was at an early age. I hoped my college education would be able to keep me
ahead of her to at least the age of 12.
On January 15, 2012, I was talking to Natalie and we had
been dancing around my transition for months.
We had talked briefly about her coming to see me and both of us back off
because of many reasons. Both of us had no desire to hurt each others feeling
and it was going to take more time.
I then said “ I really only had one best friend in my life
and that was Natalie.” She was a friend
of mine back in college who I named my daughter after. My daughter, Natalie, then said “ it would be
good to know how she is and may be you should email her?” I said I had thought about her a lot recently
and maybe I would try to find her.
What I had not told my daughter is that my Friend, Natalie,
probably was not only my friend but my female role model and I did not realize
it at Penn State
What I need to tell you about the blonde first is that we
were such good friends at Penn state that our families honestly believed we
were dating. We always laughed about
that because as close as we were neither one was attracted to the other. But we shared something, intangible, between
us that neither of us could describe. At
Penn State
At critically times my friend, Natalie, has been by my side
to help me in life. That was never more
apparent then March 1988 when we both were seniors. My father had passed away on March 10, 1988
and the funeral scheduled a few days later.
I asked Natalie to come to be with me doing the funeral. Doing the
funeral when I could no longer contain my emotions I cried on Natalie s
shoulder. It occurs to me now that at
this point, if not before, we were more than friends and she had filled a void
in life where I felt empty and she is more like a sister than a friend.
Natalie said years later I was looking for someone to
develop a friendship with and we met and bonded almost immediately in the Fall
of 1984. She had just broken up with
student who had been in the marines and she was crying and I stopped while on
my bike and asked her if she was ok? She
was so touched that I was there for her and within a short time we were almost
inseparable for the next four years in college.
Looking back again, she and I had developed a most functional
relationship that I ever had that in my life prior to meeting her. I believe based on our relationship I was
able to build on it and, in my heart of hearts, believe it is a major reason I
was able to have better relationships in my life. She had a big impact on my life and me on
hers. She told me one day that she
learns just as much from me as I do from her.
So fast forward to 2004, while still fighting arthritis I
need her help in a big way and reached out to her. At this time, my friend, Natalie, and now her
family with husband and two children are in Florida
I had written her off until January 16th this
year. I called and I asked for Natalie
on the phone and she said, “who is this?”
I said this is Don. She then
said, I did not think I ever hear from you again. First, I apologized for what
I had told her and done in the past and she thought I never would call
again. She also said I was worried
about you and then we started to talk.
The more we talked the more I wondered what really happened eight years
ago. She knew that it was exactly eight
years ago and asked how I was doing. We
talked for over three hours. Doing this
conversation I told her everything about me and that she was my female role
model in college. (She was the first person I ever told about my gender and it was while
we both were in college.)
I asked her why does this relationship work for us? She said, “we are both from opposite of the tracks and
…. You were always just nice to me.” I
was speechless since we had not talked in years and I had just walked away so
abruptly so to speak . When I got off
the phone I cried as hard as I have ever that I had hurt the one woman that
really loved me for me. I said out loud
to myself, “ my god what have I done???”
All my demons of self doubt had nearly destroyed my relationship with my
friend.
The next day we talked again and the following day with
talked for another hour. I started to
ask her about years ago…. She said, “don you were in your reality years ago…
but I can tell you are happy now.” This
may be true but how did I ever do this to you?
I have made peace with my actions and am resolved to ensure this never
happens again.
You would think this is the end of the story but not with
me. After reconnecting with my friend
Natalie after eight years I would need her just as much as I needed her when my
father died if not more. That following
Sunday, my mother passed and she was first one I called before calling my
daughter. This woman is of incredible
strength and character and has helped me through times that I hope no else has
to go through. (I had learned of the
death of my mother via the internet. Who
is to Blame? There is plenty of blame to go around from my family to me. The thing is my family and I did not talk and
funny thing our phones were working but I did not call and they did not call. I had written a letter to my mother making it
official I was Rachel Reid and left it up to my mother to call me. Everyone shares equally in the blame and six
months after her death nothing would have changed because we simply did not
talk. We both were wrong .)
Why tell this story?
- Tells a story that about how my family dealt with a transgendered woman in the family
- Time of denial has ended and the family has to confront I am transgendered woman
- My letter to my mother was passed to her priest ; she could not verbalize her feelings but she could show my letter to the priest
- How I was able to turn the biggest crisis I have know in my life from a negative to positive experience to the best of my ability
- few in the family who love me as Donnie love me as Rachel , no more no less
- If you did not like Donnie, you definitely had an excuse not to like rachel
- My perception of my family was there is no way they would accept me as female; was right and wrong; everyone did not fit in to the “no” box
- I never gave them the chance to say no
- I said no for the entire family without talking to anyone
- But when communications between myself and family happened I was surprised of the outcome….there were some that were put in a box by me that should have not been….. that is all on me
- How I underestimated my mothers capabilities and how she lead me back home
- my perception of my family could not have been so wrong based on assumptions that were not based on communication but on what I thought they could handle; perceptions
- This would test my support system and my ability to deal with stress at level I never knew I could overcome, work through and give a speech about it in less then three weeks later
Background
2004
come out to mother
·
she stated “it your father’s fault”
·
Donnie, “
I have to walk the dog”
·
We both never talked about it again; we agreed
to disagree ; this never works
January 2005
·
Aunt confronts me at Grandmother’s funeral
viewing and I figured I will get in front of the issue and told a few I trusted
in the family I am a transgendered woman
·
I blacked out that I told my cousin and aunt
that I was a transgendered woman
·
90 percent of the family knew I knew I was
transgendered woman but this event traumatized me so much I did not recall
saying this
July-August
2011 Mother states am
dying and has know for one year and she says
Will fight it and never says another
word on the topic….
·
Note I started hormones august 4, 2011
November 2011 I
write letter to mother
·
I writing this letter so I can say what I need
to say
·
I have transitioned to female and my new name is
Rachel and my gendered has been changed on my license
·
I hope in time you can understand
·
Here is my new phone number
·
Signed Rachel
December 2011 Mom writes back
·
I had two sons and daughter
·
You were a Handsome baby boy and always will
·
Come to my funeral as my son or not at all
·
Love mom
(this is the last
communication I had with my mother and how sad for us both)
January 22, 2012 Sunday
- looked
at
- (I thought I was prepared and I could have not been more wrong … I was crying uncontrollably …. It was so surreal )
- I leaned on Natalie and gained my composure to some extent
- Then called my daughter natalie
- Told my daughter of the viewing arrangement are set for that Tuesday
- She says I will go as I promised for both of us
- Since I never talked to my family they did not know I was going to stay away from my mother’s funeral out of respect for the celebration of her life; I did not want everyone in the family to remember her funeral as when “ Rachel” came home;
- (do I regret this… honestly I am not sure but what is done is done)
Monday
- My brother calls that Monday and states:
- Hi how are you …. I say good
- Mom died
- I know I saw it online
- I will not be able to attend
- Ah right
( we had not talked
in probably 10 years ….. both to blame again)
Tuesday
My daughter
goes to viewing and meets my one aunt
The aunt Helps my daughter through her emotions and …. I
just was so hurt by my brother waited until 3 days later to call me …..
Wednesday
Then I call my aunt to thank her for taking care of my
daughter while she was at the funeral home
- My perception of my mother is about to take a turn that I did not expect ; nor ever dream she was capable of
- Aunt tells me in her last days my mom said… I keep calling Donnie but he will not pick up the phone….I asked aunt how many times? aunt says I don’t know
- I thinking why did no one call me
(like I said earlier
plenty of blame to put on all including me…. Anyone in the family could have
called and after writing the letter I could have called and that part is on me)
- My mother sought the counselor of the priest …..about me
- Mother says I have talked to the father(the priest) ….. after talking to him my mother states to aunt and uncle I need to tell you something about Donnie. But my mother never says another word about what it is?
- I believe my mother cracked the door so I could tell my aunt about me
- I asked my aunt you know what is …. I am transgendered woman
- She says I know
- I
said “how hell you know that”
- You
told me at your grandmother funeral… I did not even remember this… you
told your cousin too… basically 90 percent of family knew since 04-05 but my
letter to my mother made it official and before then we all could pretend
there was not a problem….like many families I am sure
I thought my mother did not love
me…she loved me enough to seek the
counsel of a priest and that lead aunt to me… my mother knew who I would reach
out to if anyone in the family and she was so right
I got home … My mother wanted to
make sure someone looked after me after she died … my aunt …we email each other
now and talk for hours……
(sadly this aunt died in April 2012; she lived long enough to give me
enough closure with my mother’s death)
Perception…I reached out to the priest that last talked to my mother….The
priest said your mother did not approve of your “lifestyle choice” but please
understand she did love you very much
There was only one person in the world that could bring
me home in my heart and she was the incredible woman that brought me into this
world… and in her dying days she reached out to a priest …. Then my aunt….. then she brought me home…… no gift was ever so
great to me from my mother
She changed my perception of her and the idea she did love
me
I am more committed than ever to helping other veterans like
myself so that perceptions are not misinterpreted which are based on zero communication with family or friends……
this was a painful lesson …. I seek to help other so they don’t have to learn
the way I did…….
(this is transsexual
issue, veteran issue and societal issue and so many lessons learned in such a
time of crisis and there were a lot of good things I learned when my mother
died but it is ashamed she had to die for me to understand she loved me.)
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